Reflection

David W Coon 

Addiction Disorders, Fall 2018 CCP-640 SP01

Professor Bernier

Date 11/15/18 

12-Step Recovery Meeting

Reflection Journal Paper

Introduction

The first part of this reflection journal is my summary of what 12 step recovery support groups are all about. I comment on the 12-step recovery philosophy of sobriety and surrendering to a higher power. I define my higher power as the God of the Bible. I then comment on the 12 steps themselves, and briefly reflect on my experience with each step, and where I personally am with regards to my progress and recovery.  The second part of this journal is my brief summary of my attending a local meeting.

About 12 Step Meetings

The 12-Step philosophy was originally pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous, and is utilized by many of treatment centers. The basic premise of this model is that people can help one another achieve and maintain abstinence from substances of abuse, and that healing cannot come about unless people with addictions surrender to a higher power and go through the steps with help from sober people. 

The 12-Step movement can be a force for good for many people, but some struggle with what they interpret as a strong religious element of the program. I think it is more spiritual than religious. Anyways AA is of the most well-known and commonly used types of recovery support groups that use the 12-Step model. Just about everyone has heard of these meetings as they are in every city and town just about everywhere. Formally, AA defines the 12 Steps as “a set of principles, spiritual in nature, when practiced as a way of life, that can expel the obsession to drink (or use drugs) and enable the sufferer to become happily and usefully whole.”

Less formally, the 12 steps are a process of getting real with yourself and your world, righting the things you’ve made wrong and learning how to live your life in a better, more meaningful way. Structured around the idea of God as each individual understands him, and the 12 steps are generally spiritual in nature, yet highly practical. I have heard that is best if recovering addicts and alcoholics go through them in sequential order, as each step builds on the ones that come before. So here’s my overview of the 12 steps and how each one relates to supporting someone in addiction recovery. 

The 12 Steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My comments on each step, and the spiritual principle behind each step as I understand them:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.
   I have been in dark places in my life before, and ‘unmanageable’ is a nice way to put it. Of course my story starts the same as every other lost soul that succumbs to alcohol and other substances, largely for fun at first, until it grew to using just to numb the pain. It all started slowly, in college mostly, drinking at parties, lots of parties, and lots of hangovers. And lots of completely blacked out nights. Way more than I can count. Thank God that was years and years ago for me. But I realize that that demon is always still at my door, so to speak, just waiting for me to let them in. Keeping those demons at bay is fundamentally what AA or any other 12 step recovery program is really all about, if you ask me.  The spiritual principles behind this step are honesty and acceptance.
   
   

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
   For me, personally, that higher power couldn’t be any clearer, it's Jesus Christ, my God, my Lord and Savior. I am a born again Christian, and I love actively attending church. It is so helpful and powerful at healing an unmanageable life. The spiritual principle behind this step is hope.
   
   

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
   This is still something I struggle with, but God knows my heart, and how hard I try. And it really is only by His grace and mercy that I am saved. I try to surrender everyday. It's harder than it sounds, but when I do humbly surrender, God consistently restores peace and calm in my otherwise hyper-vigilant life. At this step, I admit that I must fully turn my life over to God. The spiritual principle behind this step is faith.
   
   

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
   Even with all the meetings I’ve been to, I have only really dabbled in sponsorship. I get the concept. Someone new to sobriety teams up with someone who has been sober for years. Your sponsor is supposed to help take you through the 12 steps, and in no big hurry to, it often takes people years to go through all the steps. I guess the reason I haven’t ever made it very far is I have never really maintained any long period of sobriety myself. This sort of disqualifies me from being a sponsor myself. Anyways, this 4th step is about as far as I ever got in the 12 step program. Maybe this is a new beginning for me finally take life seriously enough to get through all 12 steps. This step can be one of the most difficult and requires true soul-searching and self-examination. To make this step most effective, I must take an honest look at negative consequences of my behavior, including past embarrassment, regret and guilt. The spiritual principle behind this step is courage.
   
   

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
   What a beautiful step, and one that I desperately want to make. I have so much buried in me that I want to get off my chest.  A trusted therapist would be a good start. But who else can I really truly be honest with and genuinely confess everything? I need to tell someone the exact nature of everything I have done wrong. Confess with my mouth to another person’s ear the truth of my errors and terrible weaknesses.  By admitting to the past poor behavior examined in step 4, I am able to let go of the shame and guilt. The spiritual principle behind this step is integrity.
   
   

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
   I see this step in my near future. I desperately crave that all my defects of character would be removed permanently. Please Lord, remove this thorn from my self and allow me peace and rest from my constant horrible affiliations. I want to get better. I can’t go on like this. God, I am ready…  At this point, I as an addict must admit I am ready to allow Jesus to take away the wrongs I have admitted in step 4. The spiritual principle behind this step is willingness.
   
   

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
   I totally realize that only God can save me now. Truly there is no one else who has the power. Please Lord, I humbly ask You to remove my shortcomings. Please God, I pray for the right therapist/counselor or whoever I need to get better to come into my life. As a recovering addict, I must ask God to remove my character defects, which include impulsivity, selfishness, impatience, pride and anger. In order to do this, I must admit that I am not strong enough to remove these character flaws on my own. The spiritual principle behind this step is humility.
   
   

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
   This step sounds like it is going to be a doozy. Completely necessary if you ask me, a challenging task for sure. My list of damages and harm I have caused other people throughout my life is not a terrible long list, but it would be at least a few pages. I definitely have unresolved business out there I would love to make amends with.  During this step, I as an addict must make a list of all the people in my life that I have wronged as a result of my substance abuse. These wrongs include small things, such as a lies I have told to hide intoxication, as well as big infringements, such as… well, that is part of the confessional. The spiritual principle behind this step is justice.
   
   

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

And then take that list and make amends. Find closure for myself, and hopefully those who I have harmed. I know I have been reckless with some precious hearts and souls out there, I truly am sorry.  At this stage, I as an addict must attempt to rectify my wrongdoings by confronting the people I have harmed. I can start the conversation through a written letter or email or by sitting down face to face. The spiritual principle behind this step is self-discipline.

10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
    This is about how far I see myself going anytime soon. I always get close to finishing something and then turn my focus elsewhere, leaving many unfinished projects and loose ends. It’s never easy to admit you’re wrong, but this step requires it. So I, as an addict must commit to monitoring myself for behaviors that could harm me or someone else. And I must freely admit when I am wrong. The spiritual principle behind this step is perseverance.
    
    

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
    As part of this step, I as a recovering addict must commit myself to spiritual purity, and practice seeking after His righteousness. This will take practice, and can come in many different forms, including meditation, prayer and reading the Bible at least once a day. The spiritual principle behind this step is awareness.
    
    

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
    This final step encourages people in recovery to help others in their recovery as well. This is something that I am particularly interested in doing.  It’s common for recovering addicts to go on to sponsor others once they themselves have completed the 12 steps. By giving away the gift of recovery, they are better able to keep it themselves. The spiritual principles behind this step are love and service.

Reflecting on my life after writing down my thoughts on each of these steps, it has become crystal clear to me that I need to change my life in a big way. And this spiritual route that the 12 steps takes you through is, let’s say “evidence-based”, and time tested route that works if you work it. It includes not only the spiritual stuff, but it includes a life of self-discipline, maturity and self-control. This is something I really want. And this is not what my life is now, but by God, it will be. 

This reflection paper has made me realize, and it’s not the first time either, that I simply cannot continue living my life the way I do now. Things are not as they should for me. I have some soft of anxiety disorder, I would say more simply: I am rarely at peace. I know I need to seek therapy for myself. And I need to really seek after sobriety. I need to take this seriously. I need to major some major changes in my life. I am in a good place right now, I don’t want to mess it up and lose everything. 

I do not want to go back to that dark place in my life... where I once was. Thank God my life is pretty good right now. But I can see that darkness could be a real possible if I don’t change something. I see that my life from here can go in one of two directions. One is to make major changes in my life, graduate from Cambridge, start my career, support my family, you know all the good stuff. I need clarity in mind and a healthy life ahead of me. The other path is to continue as is, make no major life changes, and let my life go down hill and lose it all. That is not what I want.  

About My Recent Meeting

This is the meeting I went to on Monday 11/19/2018

7:00 pm Bridge Group

Serenity Club, The Monkey Wrench Building, 143 Main St. 2nd Floor          H/A-OSO

So I've been too many AA meetings in the past. I used to, at one point be required to go to them. That was when I was homeless living in a homeless men's shelter for veterans, so  it was required that we all go to AA meetings weekly. I also stay in the inpatient treatment facility for 30 days back in 2014, and I had to go to AA meetings at the VA facility.

Because I've been to so many meetings before I'm already familiar with the format and I kind of like the format to. I like how they have the traditions and they read the 12 traditions and the 12 steps. This meeting one person read the 12 steps and someone some read the rest before the speaker started sharing her story. I remember I used to knit or crochet during meetings to keep my hands and mind busy. And to keep me from falling asleep. 

Why is AA relevant to me? Addict isn’t quite the right word, I am totally dependent on some kind of combination of medication or drugs. I currently take quetiapine and ritalin. And I feel like I can’t live without meds, but I think my medications I am currently taking is not the right kind. I hope to get a medication change soon, in combination with starting CBT for myself. I need a treatment plan for myself, lol.

Anyways, the meeting was extremely impactful. The lady that was the speaker for the night shared her tragic story of downward spiral into drug addiction and unmanage life.  Everyone that speaks at AA speaker meetings always have the same kind of tragic story, and I have always found these tragic stories to be almost necessary for me to keep hearing over and over again. Of course her story led her to sobriety, it only took her until she was in her 40s to get sober and actually start living life. I am only 34. 

I always loved the message of hope to alcoholics and drug addicts that is really the spirit of AA. Of course I’ve heard this message before, but something about this time really gave me chills. I need to keep going to meetings, I should find a homegroup and start going regularly. 

It is extremely helpful for me to hear this message, over and over again. These people who contribute to AA are truly a great inspiration for me. One of the most constant reminders is that even people who are 10 years sober, still get those impulses to use drugs or drink. Lesson I take away from that: the temptation will never go away completely. 

That is a chilling reminder of how dangerous addiction can be. So by God, if they can get over crack and heroin addictions, then I can get over my problems too.  All I need to do now is start therapy from myself at Crosspoint, keep trying hard, graduate, and keep doing what the Lord expects of me. And continuing going to AA meetings won’t hurt either…. 

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