You Look Fine To Me!
Lucy Barnes
Press Release- Spoofing the Oppressors
IDSA Concludes "You Look Fine To Me!
March 21, 2015- A recent study by the Infectious Disease Society of America (IDSA) has its new patients literally in an uproar.
After three decades of failing to develop adequate tests, failure to make an accurate diagnosis, failing to develop an effective and safe vaccine, and failure to adequately treat Lyme disease in humans to prevent chronic illness, disability and death, the IDSA Lyme disease guideline authors have shifted their focus and medical practices to treating animals, stating "the animals complain a lot less".
Gary Wormser, lead author on the IDSA/CDC Lyme disease guidelines, who was recently injured while running to the sand box in an attempt to bury his head, believes treating animals will be more rewarding.
"My colleagues agree the response we've gotten while treating humans is not what we had in mind when we got into the profitable business of Lyme disease.
Granted, the lucrative research money from our friends at the NIH and CDC is able to be used in any way we see fit, but the majority of patients and some of those Lyme literate doctors were actually able to READ the scientific literature and for some reason our plan wasn't going as expected," stated Wormser through his anti-anxiety metal head gear.
Raymond Dattwyler, practicing in a highly endemic area of New York, was a contributor and editor of the IDSA's most recent study. He also feels it is much easier treating animals.
"As you can see, my patients are doing just fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. They simply followed the standard Lyme treatment protocol, one that I arbitrarily set forth a couple of decades ago (2 weeks of doxy) that had absolutely no studies indicating a cure had been realized to support it, but, of course, animals can't read so it's really no big deal.
I have photos and testimonials from a number of my satisfied patients proving there is absolutely nothing wrong with them now."
Patient 1- Visited the clinic in the early stages of Lyme with the tell tale bulls-eye rash. He was treated with our insurance friendly protocol. As you can see he has no residual problems.
Patient 2- After our standard treatment for Lyme disease, Patient 2 falsely reported he remained ill. Rather than treat with more dangerous antibiotics, Dattwyler admitted to slipping him a placebo and sending him on his way.
On his last visit Patient 2 reported still not feeling normal, but he eventually accepted the fact that his Lyme disease was no longer active and he was diagnosed with the "aches and pains of daily living" and released.
Patient 3- We lost Patient 3 to follow up, however, he was perfectly oriented and looked fine when he last left the clinic.
Patient 4- Arrived at the clinic with a fever, claiming he was feeling "steaming hot". At his followup visit he reported his fever had not abated so we tested him for Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.
The test was negative indicating treatment he received for Lyme disease was successful.
Patient 5- Complained of knee problems, specifically pain and the inability to walk without difficulty. We reviewed her history and determined since she did not live in an endemic area and her knees weren't swollen she couldn't possibly have Lyme disease. Her test was obviously a false-positive. Treatment was deferred.
Patient 6- This patient was treated with 2 weeks of doxy. At his 6 month followup we determined he had suffered some unknown type of trauma as a young pup and referred him to the mental health clinic for further evaluation.
PHASE II
Phase II of the IDSA "You Look Fine To Me" study included a large cohort of four patients (#7- 10). Patients were seen at Johns Hopkins with lead investigator Paul Auwaerter assigned to evaluating and treating these patients.
Auwaerter claimed the "pseudo-science" Patient 7 heard about from his owner who had been reading on the internet, had convinced him he not only had Lyme disease, but also a rare disorder called Babesiosis. As we all know, this is not possible.
Auwaerter listening to patients at Hopkins in Baltimore, MD.
Auwaerter instructed Patient 7 to continue exercising and continue with his prescribed diet (seen here). "I explained to him he couldn't possibly have more than one tick borne disease at a time. In fact, we consider Patient 7 a success story", remarked Auwaerter.
Patient 8- This overweight patient reported multiple tick bites and a Lyme rash, however the rash was not documented in her chart and her Lyme test was negative two days after exposure to ticks.
The patient also experienced a cardiac event, neurological symptoms and had arthritic joints. Her most recent complaint was that of severe pain in the facial region. We ordered her to continue her daily swimming exercises, prescribed anti-depressants and instructed her to return in six months for a follow up visit.
Patient 9- On followup Patient 9 was determined by the staff to be Lyme free and had returned to normal. She was provided an all clear status so she could participate in the upcoming Pimlico Races.
Patient 10- Arrived at the clinic reporting vision problems, however we could not determine the cause. Tests for Lyme were positive. At follow up she reported weight loss and visual impairment and was referred to Eye Clinic for a consult.
Conclusion: In all, the animals faired quite well using the standard treatment established by the IDSA/CDC as curative for Lyme disease.
Stephen Dumler, also from Hopkins, was out of the office at the time of the interview and could not be reached for comment.
Funding for this study was provided by the generous tax-payers, yes America from YOU, every last cent of it.
References: "We do not need to list the references, heck, we wrote 'em and the CDC approved them for us!"
For The Record- This is not a press release from anyone or anywhere mentioned above in case you were wondering and it is all MY opinion. The statements shared above are not actual statements made by anyone. This is just for entertainment purposes- you know- that thing called having a little fun! ~smile~
Lucy Barnes