okay

Okay

by Bob on April 1, 2007

"Okay" is one of those odd words which are often asked of someone as to their present state of being.

One asks of someone else: "Are you okay?"

It's a very interesting meta-question, on the questioner's side, especially from psychological perspective. Looking at it, it can mean (a) simply nothing, just idle and unfounded banter, wherein the questioner in truth does not care at all about whether the other person is okay, (b) presuming the answer in the question, that one is okay or not okay, before it is responded to, (c) an imposition of the will of the questioner in the sense that it asks no question but subtly tells the questioned to answer un all circumstances that they are okay, or (d) just a knee-jerk question where the response is heard but not heard in the heart where it counts.

So we have the carnage of semantics for a seemingly straightforward question.

My aunt used to ask me how I was doing, and as I was about to tell her, before I answered she would say "that's absolutely marvelous!". She always said this regardless of what I answered.

In general, some or many people are positive people. But some are beyond that. They are pathologically positive which is harmful to others. They are positive to the extent of denying any troubles and acting helpfully on them, as these troubles are seen as a misconstruance of reality and circumstances by the person with the problem.

That is all very convenient.

There are so many ways to help other people. There is hardly ever an imaginable time when nothing can be done.

And they say in charity work that a busy person can always find the time, which is paradoxically true. Someone who just doesn't want to help will find an excuse. A busy person will know when time, regardless how little, is available. Then there's the question of effective help to another, not just half-thought-out or meant help.

I think the goal of any help to someone who we care about after we ask them if they are okay and they say "no" and we hear that in our hearts, is to stick it out with them until they are okay again. Remembering, of course, that being "okay" may be a rubbery definition for people.

See the course through all the way. Stay the course. There is nothing worse than offering help to someone and withdrawing it mid-stream, leaving them in the lurch, just as there is nothing as dangerously un-tasty as a half-cooked meal.

In some countries and traditions, if one saves another's life, one is responsible for that person for the rest of his life. That's an amazing concept.

Then there is also the problem of trying to please everyone at once, somewhat like a diplomat does. In everyday situations, all parties could wind up getting burnt. That's not a good outcome for anyone.

So we must tread carefully in our helping other people when we respond to someone's saying that they are not okay after we asked and listened to the response.

It also might be better to have a number of people helping to spread it out and hedge calamity.

"Okay" means so many things. If we go by most dictionaries, it would mean as an adjective, "all right", or "satisfactory". But in common parlance, it is a bit more loaded with meaning than that. If someone really means it when they ask "Are you okay?" then it's a lot more than asking if someone's life is satisfactory. It's inviting the whole spectrum of possibilities.

So, when the question is usually asked in polite company, there is an implicit emotional negotiation going on behind the words. Should someone say he's okay if he's not ? How much of a non-okay situation should the questioned reveal ? And more twists and turns.

One might arrive in thinking about this at the 1988 song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin. That would be a bit too expeditious. And that big smiling happy yellow smiley-face was so very 1980s and all that that implies. It became almost a mantra and national anthem of the otherwise troubled late 1980s. And 1988 was a very complicated year for so many people.

As a counterpoint one is reminded of Iggy Pop and his 1969 song, "No Fun" which was a national anthem of sorts for punk rock music.

And a July 17, 2006 article in New York Magazine, entitled "Happiness: A User's Manual" raises a veritable smile for us all. Or even OPM and their 2001 hit song "Heaven is a Halfpipe" make us consider what enjoins a carefree skateboarder to bliss.

At some point it would seem we would also arrive at a junction or even crossroads in this whole business, where we can easily consult a few books relevant to the matter. One is the 1964 book, "Games People Play" by Dr. Eric Berne. Another might be the 1969 book "I'm OK, You're OK" by Dr. Thomas Anthony Harris.

No doubt that Transactional Analysis is complicated and can be used in some hugely over-extended ways and helpfulness-es. But it might lead to some psychological knots, in the fashion that Dr. R.D. Laing defined knots.

* * *

[excerpt from "Knots" by R.D. Laing]

There must be something the matter with him

because he would not be acting as he does

unless there was

therefore he is acting as he is

because there is something the matter with him

He does not think there is anything the matter with him

because

one of the things that is

the matter with him

is that he does not think that there is anything

the matter with him

therefore

we have to help him realize that,

the fact that he does not think there is anything

the matter with him

is one of the things that is

the matter with him

* * *

We might also dare to mention a 1985 book by Dr. Daniel Goleman, "Vital Lies, Simple Truths: the Psychology of Self Deception".

Or one might also dare to mention Dr. Stanley Milgram and his classic experiment on the theme of imposition of will on the questioned, in the 1960s, or The Stanford Prisoner Experiment conducted in 1971 by Dr. Philip Zimbardo.

But that wasn't the question.

The question was simply "Are you okay?". But is the question really simple at all ? For maybe the answer is simply "yes". But it all depends on what the person asking had in mind, and how emotionally effusive the person being asked wants to be. And there's always a danger of one's becoming an unwilling prisoner of other people's perceptions despite the facts. Then we must arrive at R.D. Laing again and his 1967 book, "The Politics of Experience".

But that's seemingly another discourse entirely. Maybe not. Or a knot maybe.