Flowers

“Jess, have you seen Anne this morning?” My husband asked while making his way into the kitchen.

“No, but she’s probably in the garden,” I replied, handing him a cup of coffee. “She better not be pulling out my flowers again. I’ve worked so hard on them this season.”

“I know you do,” He took a sip out of the warm mug. “If she does I’ll deal with it, alright?”

I nodded my head and wrapped my arms around his body. I squeezed him to let go of my frustration, although the thought of her wrapped up in my garden still left anger resonating inside me. I told her every day to not touch them, but it never worked. She was three now and was old enough to know better. She understood what trouble she would be in after she walked in with those filthy, dirty hands. I hated having to wash her, but that was just being a mother. The thought always popped in my head that maybe it was my fault for her misbehavior, but that was just silly. She was a child and children do stupid things. Maybe I had to discipline her more, but I didn’t really put much thought into that. I had much more important thoughts.

“Honey?” I looked up at his face. “I miss the times we would go on spontaneous dates. All the times we were bored and went to go on adventures together.”

“I miss all the times we would go on rides and find new restaurants or shops to look in,” he squeezed me tighter. “We should do that again one day.”

I pulled away and turned my face away, “You know we can’t do that anymore, Tyler.” I could feel myself starting to get emotional. I missed being with him so much. I missed the days where I didn’t have to worry and could just focus on us. I wanted my days back. But then I got pregnant. I didn’t think it would be that hard. Being a mom seemed like everyone’s end goal, but I was only nineteen. I should have known better. But everything in life happens for a reason. At least one day I’ll be free from motherhood.

“We could get a babysitter.” He turned my face and looked me in the eyes. “Let's just take off a couple of days and take a break. It will be good for the two of us.”

The tears started to leave my face, “Please. Let's do it.”

He wiped away my tears and kissed my cheek, “When, sweetheart?”

I pulled out my phone and searched for any babysitters in the area. I was so tired of my life and needed it to stop for a moment. “I can’t wait any longer,” I smiled at him. “Where would you like to go?”

“Well, we could go somewhere north. We should probably stay in Pennsylvania.” I lost my smile.

“No, no!” I started to get frustrated. “We need somewhere bigger. We’ll only be able to do this once, so we have to make special!”

“We could go down to the Jersey Shore?” there was a hint of fear in his voice. I rolled my eyes at him.

“You’re smarter than this,” I huffed at him. “We could go anywhere! Japan, Paris, Hawaii, I don’t care! Anywhere away from here!”

I was starting to get angry. I knew he understood me. I wanted to leave this place and see something new. He knew that I never wanted to stay in one place. I’ve always wanted to explore. I’d talk to him about all the countries we’d see before we settled down. But then I was given this “gift.” I did like motherhood, but it stopped me from doing everything I loved. I just needed time to think. A trip could help me cool down.

“Remember what I promised you when we were kids?” He grabbed my hands. “Remember all those days you’d sneak out of your house and come to me and cry. You’d tell me how much you wanted to move away from home because your mother wouldn’t stop yelling. Do you remember what I told you every time?”

Tears started forming in my eyes again, “You would protect me.”

“And now we live here,” He caressed my face and looked into my eyes. “And I will never stop protecting you. And if protecting you means taking a break from life together, I’ll do it.”

I wrapped my arms around him and pressed into him. I cried softly into his chest. Even though the tear I managed to get out a small, “I love you.” I squeezed me a little and kissed the top of my head. “I love you, too, sweetheart.”

There was a banging at the door. I wiped my face on his shirt and went to open the door. I twisted the knob and pulled the door back only to see a filthy toddler in front of me. Her hands were covered with mud and speckles of dirt were spread across her face, clothes, and hair. I could feel anger building up inside me. I had told her countless times that this was unacceptable, but she never listened. Why was I stuck with such a problematic child? I gave her everything and she couldn’t give anything back. I deserved more than this.

I bent down and grabbed her by the shirt. “What did I tell you about playing in my flowers?” I felt the dirt from her filthy shirt cover my hands and it only made me angrier. “Now I have to clean you!” I started to get louder. “You’re going to make me and the bathroom a mess! I’m already basically covered in mud!” Tears started to trickle down her face and she turned her face to the ground. “Look at me!” I screamed. “What do you have to say for yourself?”

Before she could answer Tyler ran up to us and swept the toddler out of my grasp. He held her close to him and started to hug her. She cried softly into his shirt, getting it covered in mud and tears. For a split second, I felt a warm sensation inside me. A strange kind of happiness flooded my body. Seeing them together, comforting one another, just felt right. It made me feel that maybe having a family wasn’t so bad. But it was only a second.

I grabbed her and tried to pull her away, but he wouldn’t let go. “Give her to me! I need to give her a bath,” I yelled in his face.

“You’re acting like a child,” he said. I was taken aback. “I’ll clean her. Go calm down.” I could feel my face getting redder. He had never gotten angry with me. He had never opposed me or talked back to me. I felt horrible. I wanted to apologize and hug them both. I wanted to admit that I was wrong and I never meant a single thing I said. But my rage was too strong; I couldn’t give up now. I wasn’t weak.

I pulled back harder and finally got him to let go. I looked at him and saw the anger and disbelief in his eyes. It hurt so much. I wanted to grab his face and kiss him, just make everything better. I tried my best to snap out of it and ran to the bathroom. I felt him right behind me, but I got inside and locked the door before he could stop me. I fell to the floor and clenched the three-year-old. Tyler screamed from behind the door to let him in, but I just sat and cried. I waited for him to go away and leave me alone. I could feel Anne’s tears soaking my shirt, but she didn’t make a sound.

After about a half an hour I stopped crying and Tyler’s pleading ended. “I’ll be in the living room,” he said while sniffling slightly. I hadn’t seen him cry in such a long time, and I couldn’t stand that this time it was because of me. I stood up and walked over to the bathtub. I turned on the warm water. I helped Anne take off her muddy clothes and led her to the tub. I grabbed the shower head and Anne climbed in. I sprayed the water over her hair and body. I watched the brown, dirty water go down the drain. It was excruciatingly quiet. I couldn’t stop thinking about how much I hurt Tyler. He didn’t deserve all these things I put him through.

“Mommy,” Anne broke the silence. “I’m sorry I hurt the flowers.”

I sighed, “It’s fine, sweetheart. Just don’t do it again, okay?”

“Okay, Mommy,” she smiled and started to splash water around. I lightly splashed some water at her and she started laughing. It made me feel good to see her laughing and playing again. She was always so forgiving and optimistic. She really took after her father. Her hair curled the same as his. Her bright green eyes were an exact copy of the ones belonging to my husband. He had always reminded me of a lion, but now he had a cub. They always understood one another. They knew exactly what the other was thinking and feeling. I always wanted to be a part of that, but I never was. I could never be as close as those two were. But Tyler and I used to be so close. Everything we did was for one another. We had that bond and she took it away from me. I needed that back.

“Is Daddy still mad at you?” She asked me in a faint whisper.

“Most likely,” I felt the tears well up in my eyes again. “Please just stop asking.”

“But Mommy,” she kept on, “what if something bad happens?”

“Nothing bad is going to happen. We are fine.” My voice was cracking.

“What if you guys stop talking forever?”, she asked one last time.

“Just shut up!” I screamed at her. “Me and your father are fine! There would be no reason why we would ever stop talking. We love each other dearly and he wouldn’t give me up for the world! So just stop asking questions!”

Tears streamed down my face as I continued to scream at her. I started sobbing and panicking. I couldn’t afford to lose Tyler. He was my everything. We had such a beautiful life together and I didn’t know what I would do without it. We were living the dream we wanted ever since we were fourteen. I couldn’t let that go. I knew we would be fine and he would forgive me for my wrongs. But the thought of him leaving with Anne was terrifying. I couldn’t survive without him. He was perfect and I was broken. He was the only thing that held me together in this terrible world. If I didn’t have him, I couldn’t have myself.

In those moments I felt something take over me. Like a force taking control of my body, something had captured me and wouldn’t let me go. I felt like I was drowning, but I was hyperventilating at the same time. Each breath in and out was painful. My whole body felt numb and I didn’t feel any movement from Anne at all. My vision was blurry and focused on a single tile on the wall. I was also violently crying, pleading for this to be over. I felt paralyzed and I started to panic. I started to feel my body fidget and twitch. The water splashing from the bath came into my view and I realized I needed to control myself.

I started to take deep breaths and calm myself down. Anne didn’t need to see all of this. I didn’t need her father knowing how deeply hurt I was. Once I finally started to calm down I realized I didn’t hear any noise. I had been looking down straight at the ground in front of me the whole time. But my arms were still in the tub. I slowly looked up and saw my hands dunked in dark red water. I pulled my hands out and stared at the warm, red, sticky liquid covering them. I looked under my fingernails to see red chunks stuck under them. I couldn’t comprehend what I had just done until a tiny body rose to the surface of the water. I stared at her body floating face down in the water. Thoughts flooded my head, but I knew what had happened: I had just killed my daughter.

I covered my mouth and tried not to scream. But seeing her warm, olive skin turn a deep purple was too much. I shrieked and pulled Anne’s body out of the bathtub. I flipped her over and held her in my arms. Blood had started dripping out of her nose and mouth. Streaks of the red liquid stained her neck. But little holes in her neck were still oozing little streams of blood. Her eyes were closed and her body was limp in my arms. I couldn’t believe that she was gone.

“Baby, please wake up!” I screamed while shaking her. “I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me.” I kept slapping her in the face and shaking her. I believed that she was somewhere inside there and that she was only sleeping. I couldn’t comprehend that she was dead and I was to blame. I don’t know if I did it on purpose. The last couple of minutes were a blur of anger and sadness. I never meant to take that pain out on her. But somehow I did. And the only thing I was left with was the cold, lifeless corpse of my child.

There was a banging at the door, “What’s wrong? Why are you screaming? Is everything okay?” I didn’t know how to respond. Everytime I tried to open my mouth and scream, nothing would come out. I didn’t know what to say. What could anyone say? How could someone explain that situation? I sat there on the floor, silent. Tears rolled down my face as I held her close to me. I hugged her and hoped that there was still an ounce of life within her. But she was already too far gone.

“Please, Jess, answer me!” He started to get louder. “I’ll break down this door if I have to.”

“No, please,” I managed to get out. My voice cracked and more tears started to fall. “I’m so sorry.”

“That's it!” Tyler screamed and threw himself against the bathroom door. I held Anne closer and started to sob even more. Tyler kept ramming his body into the door. I heard the wood tearing and cracking. I looked at Anne’s little face and caressed her cheek. Her face was so cold and lifeless. I just needed her back. The door swung into the sink behind me. I felt Tyler’s eyes on me. I knew he was staring straight into me. I didn’t want to tell him the truth.

“Where the hell is my daughter?”, he whispered.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried even more. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Jess, just give me my fucking daugh-” He pulled me away and saw her blue, lifeless body in my arms. He fell to the floor and snatched her out of my arms. He stared at her face and tears formed in his green eyes.

“No. No.” More tears fell to the floor and on her body. “Baby, please wake up. You’re just sleeping, sweetheart. Please just open your eyes for me.”

“Tyler, she’s gone,” I whispered.

“No!” He screamed at me. “She can’t be! You don’t know anything!”

“Tyler listen to me,” I grabbed his hand. “She’s gone.”

“Get your hands off of me!” He moved his hand away.

“Baby, let’s get up.” I grabbed his arms and looked in his eyes.

“Shut up!”, he screamed and slapped me across the face. I grabbed my cheek and looked at him in disbelief. His eyes were wide and he didn’t believe what he had done, either. But that look quickly disappeared from his face. He stood up and ran out of the bathroom. I could barely believe what was occurring, but I knew I had to chase after him. I quickly sprang up and ran behind him.

“Tyler!”, I screamed. “Get back over here. We need to talk.”

“I don’t think we need to talk anymore,” he yelled back. “I’ve already made up my mind.”

“No, baby, we can talk about this. Just give me a chance! I’m better tha--” I turned the corner and there he was, holding the body of our lifeless daughter, his eyes red and puffy from my mistake. His arm was straight out in front of me. Pointing a pistol at my head.

“You don’t want to do this,” I started to panic again. “We can fix this.”

“My daughter is dead and it’s because of you,” he hissed.

“Please, honey, put the gun down,” I pleaded. “I don’t want to be alone and neither do you.”

“I’m tired, Jess.” He started to cry. “I just want my daughter back.”

“Killing me won't get her back.” I took a step forward. “Give me the gun, Tyler.”

“But, I...” His voice was lost in his sobs.

I walked forward and gently took the gun out of his hands. I carefully placed it down in my pocket and a feeling of relief flooded my body. I walked towards Tyler and wrapped my arms around him. He stood there motionless, but more tears poured from his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” I hugged him tighter. “But we have to figure out what to do about this. We’re going to be in big trouble if anyone finds out.”

“Oh lord,” he sighed. “Where are we going to put her?”

“The backyard?” It hurt to say. I looked up at him and he nodded.

“I’ll get the shovels from the back,” he whispered and placed Anne in my arms. He frantically sprinted out of the hallway and into the back door. I fell to the floor and tried to calm down. I stared down at her little, cold face. I kissed her tiny forehead and wished she could do the same back. I wished I could feel her little arms reach around me and squeeze me as tight as they possibly could. I wanted to hear her laugh and all the silly things she had to say. I was blind to how much she meant to me. I took her for granted.

“I’m so sorry.” I held her tighter. “I’m sorry for how I treated you. I was wrong. I was always wrong. I don’t know why I was so mean to you. I wish I could’ve changed.”

I held her close to my chest and kept kissing the top of her head. The guilt flooded my body. My heart felt like it was sinking down into my stomach. I knew what I had done and that there was no going back, but I still wanted to fix it. I wanted to make things right, but I didn’t know how. I thought of my husband again. I thought of how he was taking things. I realized he was the only one I could help. I needed to protect him from the all the pain I’d caused him. I needed to save him.

I got up from the floor and went into my bedroom. I placed Anne on the soft blankets and wrapped her up. I cupped her face in my hands and whispered to her, “I’ll make this better. I promise.” I felt a tear fall from my eye, but I wiped it away quickly. I needed to be strong for her.

I looked at her one last time and then walked away. I made my way through the house and into the backyard. I stared at the man I fell in love with standing with a shovel: sweaty, digging a grave for our daughter.

“Babe!” I screamed at him. “We need to talk.”

He threw his shovel on the ground and laughed, “Well this isn’t the best time, is it?”

I ran up to him and grabbed his hands. “We have to leave.”

He ripped his hands away from my grasp, “Don’t touch me!” I stared at him and felt pain and betrayal in my heart. “And what the hell are you talking about? We can’t leave!”

“But if we leave now, no one can find us! No one will figure out what we’ve done until a week from now!” I started to smile. “If we leave and go on that trip like we wanted, we can stay and forget this ever happened! We can be happy again.”

“No!” he screamed. “Why the hell would I even want to be around you anymore.”

“Because you love me.” I cupped his face in my hands. “You promised you always would.”

“Well, I think this is a dealbreaker.” He pushed my hands away once again. “You took away what was most important to me, Jess!”

“I’m still here!” I started to get angry. “Everything I’ve done was for you! All the times I stayed up because you were sad. All the times I called off work because you needed me. All the times you hurt me, but made yourself the victim. I stayed through all of this. You even guilted me into keeping this damn baby instead of getting rid of it as soon as I knew it was there!” I covered my mouth. I never told him how I truly felt. I never wanted him to know I didn’t want to have a family. I never wanted him to know I did it for him. I never wanted him to know that I thought a life without Anne was a better choice. I didn’t believe that anymore. His eyes were wide open, staring into my soul.

“No I didn’t mean it,” I tried to reassure him.

“You’ve already said too much, Jess.” He turned his back to me. “Let me finish digging my daughter’s grave.”

“But what about us, Tyler?” I asked.

“There is no more us.” I could hear him wince. “I don’t want to see you again after this.”

I was in shock. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “You made me do this!”, I screamed “You didn’t protect her enough! You could’ve saved her!”

“What are you even talking about anymore?” He was breaking down. “Jess, please stop.”

“If you were stronger she would’ve still been here,” I was starting up again. “You were supposed to save her, but you couldn’t.”

“Jess, no...” It was too much for him.

I grabbed his arm and pulled him close to me. I pulled his face close to mine. I stared into those big, green, helpless eyes. “You’re the reason why our daughter is dead,” I hissed at him.

In an instant he started to sob. His cries were loud and and heartbreaking. He crumbled into a million pieces under me. I knew it was wrong, but the thought of losing him was too much to handle. I felt my something in my body take over again and its grasp was even tighter. I felt like was drowning, but free at the same time. Somehow I was convinced I was doing the right thing. I felt like this was my only way to keep my life intact. I needed him. He was my only hope.

“Give me your wallet,” I demanded.

“What? Why?” He was caught off guard.

“I’m going to go to the bank.” I dug my nails into his arms. “I’m going to take out everything. We are going somewhere far away. Somewhere out of the country. We need to be on the run for the rest of our lives if we want to live happily.Ttogether.”

“Okay,” he whispered, and handed me his wallet. “Do whatever you need to. I’m sorry. It’s all my fault”

I snatched it out of his hands and pushed him to the ground. He lay there, defeated, staring at the sky. I felt his pain, but knew I had to brush it off. I turned around and ran back in the house. I ran into the living room and caught my breath. But instead of catching my breath, I started to hyperventilate. Reality caught up with me as soon as I was alone, and I couldn’t deal with it. I looked at the wallet in my hand and threw it on the floor. I didn’t want it anymore.

“Oh lord,” I said to myself. “This will never work.” I knew I could never escape. This was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. On a street in Italy or in a prison cell, I could never be happy. I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I ran away from my daughter. I was losing my mind, but I needed to figure it out before it was too late. I wanted to save Tyler, but there wasn’t even a way to save myself. I just wanted everything to be over.

I looked at the walls and stared at the family photos. Pictures of the three of us smiling, having the time of our lives. There were photos of Tyler and me at prom in our cute outfits. I remember being so happy and in love. I thought it would never end. Even when I was pregnant, he made me believe that we would be fine. He was so excited to be a father, but I couldn’t feel the same; I felt guilty, but happy that I could finally do something for him. But once she finally came along, I knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I knew I should’ve spoken up and told him the truth, but what if I lost him? What would I do without him? I would be broken forever. I was going to be broken forever. I needed to stop this. I felt in my pocket and knew what I had to do. I could finally save him.

I took a couple deep breaths and clenched the handle of the gun. I looked out the window and saw Tyler still digging the grave. I closed my eyes and thought of how this would be so much better for the both of us. How I could save us both from the pain of courts and prisons. I pulled the gun out of my pocket and slowly walked to the backdoor. I quietly open the door and tip-toed out of the house. I stood behind Tyler and pointed the gun at his head. My hands started to shake and my mind was racing. I was tempted just to put the gun down and run away, Go with the original plan and forget this even happened. I wanted to put down the gun for good, but he turned around. I was terrified and immediately pulled the trigger. The sound was deafening and I covered my ears with my hands. The power of the gun made me fall backwards, but not enough to avoid the sight of Tyler’s chest exploding with blood. He fell forwards into the grave. I started shaking, but couldn’t move a single muscle by my own volition. I threw the gun and curled into a ball in the grass. I started to hysterically cry and scream. I felt hopeless, and fear controlled my body. I placed my hands over my mouth to muffle my cries and screams.

I tried to reason with myself and find a way to get up. I slowly started to rise from my place on the ground and made my way to the grave. My body felt weak, and my walking was unstable and wobbly. I tripped over my own feet, but managed to keep walking. Once I was close to the grave I saw the grass surrounding it painted with red liquid. I was too scared to walk any further and get blood all over my feet and ankles. I took a deep breath and walked forward anyways. I kept my eyes closed as I stepped forward and felt my feet submerged in the warm liquid. I covered my mouth and shut my eyes tighter. More tears covered my face as I moved through the blood. I wanted to scream again and cry for help, but no one would help me now.

I opened my eyes. I took a look into the grave and saw Tyler, covered in his blood, breathing. He looked at me with fear and betrayal in his eyes. I stood in shock and distress. I watched his chest fill up with breath and go back down in disbelief. For a second I believed I was in a horrible nightmare until he spoke, “Just finish this. Please.” I nodded and scrambled to get the gun in the grass. I threw myself onto the ground and swiped my hands through the grass. I was crawling through the grass and hoped that the gun would show up very soon. My hands hit a solid object, and my head filled with thoughts. I grabbed the gun, but I sat there, motionless. In one day my life had fallen apart and the only person to blame was myself. I had lost my daughter and soon my husband. I was a murderer. I tried to accept my horrible fate and stood up. I walked to the grave and my body felt numb. I had been through so much in one day. It was time to end it. I made it to the edge and looked at the love of my life in horrible pain, soaked in his own blood. I pointed the gun at his head and put my finger on the trigger.

“Wait,” he managed to say. His voice was weak and tired. I lowered the gun and waited for him to speak. To my surprise he started to smile. It made me feel comforted, but so guilty at the same time. “I’m sorry I didn’t do better.”

“No, no, this is my fault.” So many emotions filled my head. I felt an unbearable pain in my heart.

“It’s both our faults, honey.” He started to cry. “Please run away. Forget this happened. Go live your dream, you deserve it.”

I started shaking my head and covered my face with my hand. The only thing I deserved was to rot in prison. I had said too much and now he believed me. I wanted so badly to talk with him, apologize, and explain to him how he was the only good thing in my world. But it was too late. He already believed that he was the villain and he was going to die that way. I wanted him to live, I wanted him to experience life, and be happy, but that wasn’t possible anymore. I never could’ve saved him.

“Jess?” He called. I moved my hand from my face and looked into his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” I said and raised the gun. I placed my finger on the trigger. Before I pulled it, I looked at Tyler one last time. He was still as beautiful and handsome as always. Even soaked in his own blood, my heart still raced and the only thing I wanted to do was hug him. But I know I’d never get to again. I closed my eyes tight and pulled the trigger.

This shot was louder than the last one. It shook my entire body, and I fell to the ground. Gunpowder flew through the air and a little blood spattered on my clothes. I put the gun back in my pocket and threw my hands onto my face. I started to sob into them. My body felt heavy and moving each limb was difficult. I just wanted to lie there and rot away. I wanted to lay in the grass and soak in a puddle of my own sadness, but I knew I couldn’t. Someone would’ve checked in on me sooner or later. Maybe a friend from work would stop by to see where I was. Maybe a family member would visit and see why I wasn’t answering their calls. Or maybe the neighbor would smell the rotting bodies and have enough. Either way, I needed a way out. I needed to be stopped.

I wiped the tears off my face and stood up. I turned my head from the grave; I couldn’t bear to see him like that. I grabbed the shovel lying next to the grave and proceeded the push dirt into it. I pushed as much as I could with all the force in my body, but it was so heavy. I started sweating and my arms were shaking. I started screaming as I pushed more dirt into the grave. I knew it didn’t make me any stringer, but it helped me release my emotions. After everything that happened, I felt the tiniest bit of relaxation and reassurance. I knew I’d see the both of them very soon. I couldn’t wait.

After about an hour of pushing dirt back into the grave it was fully covered. I threw the shovel down and stared at the dirt covering my husband's body. It didn’t feel real; nothing felt real that day. I grabbed the shovel and walked to the shed. I opened the shed and haphazardly threw it in. But before I closed the door I saw a pack of pink lily seeds. I planned to grow them for Tyler’s birthday. Pink was his favorite color. He always told me it was such a soft, gentle color. He said it reminded him of me. But I never saw myself as soft. Tyler was the sweetest person I knew. I wish I could’ve told him that more. But I knew what to do instead.

I grabbed the seeds and my watering can out of the shed. I walked over to the new patch of dirt and sat down. I dug a tiny hole in the dirt above Tyler’s body. I gently tore open the package of seeds and poured them into my hands. I brought them up to my face and kissed them gently. I held them close to my heart for a couple minutes. I thought about all the amazing adventures Tyler took me on. I thought about all the memories we made from high school all the way into adulthood. I thought of every amazing characteristic about him and how I was so sorry I took them for granted. I wished that one day I’d see him again. I placed the seeds into the ground and looked at them one last time. I felt my heart flutter, but burn at the same time. I pushed the dirt over the seeds.

“I’ll see you soon, honey,” I sprinkled a little bit of water on the dirt. “I love you.”

I sat there for a while. I watched the sky go from a bright blue to a warm orange. I tried to relax one last time, enjoy the outdoors and nature one last time. Listen to the birds sing one last time. Look at the trees sway in the gentle wind one last time. Feel the cool spring air on my skin fr one last time. Watch the planes fly by with happy people aboard one last time. Hear a car drive by with people on a wonderful adventure together one last time. Letting go of my worries and loving the planet for one last time. Be able to be happy for the last time.

I got up and decided it was time to go. I looked back down at the new plant and smiled. I wished for it to grow big and strong. To not be hurt by the selfishness of other people and just love being itself. I turned around and walked back into my kitchen. I smelled the air of my home once more and felt at ease. I knew it was finally time to get ready. I walked to my cupboards and grabbed two small bowls and placed them on the counter. I grabbed the box of Anne’s favorite sugary cereal and poured it in. I grabbed the bowls and walked over to my bedroom.

“Anne,” I called. “I made you a snack.” I walked through the door and was met with her wrapped in a small pile of blankets. I wanted to unwrap her and hold her but I knew it wouldn’t make anything better. I placed a bowl next to her and sat with mine on the other side of the bed. I stared at the cereal and felt disgusting. Eating didn’t seem necessary anymore. I didn’t think I deserved to eat, either. I felt so much guilt, and the last thing I wanted to do was have a snack. But I knew it would make Anne happy. I wanted to do it for her. If she was watching, she would’ve wanted me to. I placed a single piece of cereal in my mouth and slowly chewed. My mouth was flooded with a sugary, artificial taste, a taste someone could only describe as a color. I was never a fan of sugary cereals, but I wanted to do something for her. I wanted to make her proud.

“Sweetheart,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry for all of this. You never deserved this. I hope you are with your father right now.” I felt tears drip out of my eyes. My stomach started to hurt. Each tear felt like it was taking so much out of me. Each droplet made my head pound harder and harder. I started to feel light-headed and lethargic. I wanted to sleep. I wanted to lay down and never be woken up again. But I refused and shoved more cereal in my mouth. Everytime I placed a piece in my mouth I would cry harder. This cereal was for her, but I was the only one who could eat it. The sweetness reminded me of her and how much she tried to please me. How could I have not cared? I didn’t even notice how much she did for me. I was a monster. I wanted to throw the cereal on the ground and rip every single strand of my hair out. I felt insane. I think I was.

“I killed him, Anne,” I said in between sobs. “He was such a good person. A great husband and an amazing father. I hope you two can forgive me.” My heart felt like it was sinking. The blood didn’t feel like it could make it to my head anymore. I felt broken. I knew I didn’t deserve forgiveness. How could anyone forgive me after what I had done? I just wanted my little girl back. I wanted to grab her and tell her how much she meant to me. I wanted to see her grow up. I wanted her to go to school and be a kid: Not do her homework, go to prom, find someone she thinks is her key to life all at age sixteen. I had that. I took it all for granted. She would’ve had a great time. She should’ve had an amazing time.

“I’ll see you soon, baby.” I started to get up. “I hope we can be happy again.”

I grabbed my bowl of cereal. Almost everything was gone except the blue pieces. Blue was always her favorite. I poured them in her bowl. She needed them more than me. I walked out of the room and made it to the kitchen. I washed the bowl in the sink and placed it on a drying rack. I took a final look at my house. It was small, but that's exactly what I wanted. I wanted a tiny, little house to grow old in. A place where the kids would be running out back with their father while I made dinner. A place so tiny that every step you took had a meaning. A place so tiny that it could hide many secrets. Unfortunately, I could only ever manage to do the last one.

After looking at around at pictures and pieces of decor, I decided it was time. I sighed and said my last goodbye to my pretty,little home. I made my way back into my bedroom. Before I returned to Anne and Tyler, I remember something I needed. I opened up Tyler’s drawers and looked for something very special. After digging through clothes for ten minutes, I finally found it: a sweater Tyler gave me when he left for college. I wore it everyday to bed after he left. The little dog mascot on the front always made me laugh. He asked for it back once we found out I was pregnant after one of his visits home. He had to quit school, so I never made a big fuss out of it. Even after having Anne and settling down I was still scared to steal it and wear it. But I needed it more now than ever. I knew he would understand. I ripped off my other shirt and threw it one on. It brought back so many memories of happiness and heartache. I realized that in the end, I was always happy. I hoped it could work is magic once more.

I got up and sat in bed next to Anne. I grabbed her and placed her onto my lap. I held her close and hugged her tight. I was too scared to look into the blankets and see her again. She deserved to be comfortable during this, anyways.

“Baby,” I spoke. “I’m going to be with you real soon. I’m going to hug you really tight as soon as I see you, I promise. Please just wait a little more.” A few tears started to stream down my face. I reached into my pocket and wrapped my hand around the hard plastic. I picked it up and put the other end to my head. I placed my finger on the trigger. I hugged Anne tight one last time. My hands started to shake and more tears flowed. I didn’t want to, but this was my only choice. I took a deep breath and accepted my fate. I pulled the trigger.