You only stayed because I was always available. You would’ve cut me out cold turkey if I wasn’t. My mind was so numb, and my heart spoke before I could think about the words leaving my body. You never truly got what you wanted from me, did you? I wanted to call this companionship love, when you just wanted whatever “benefits” came along with it. You needed a title, your reputation was on the frontline. Every time my phone rang, my heart fluttered with happiness but also a sense of “what now?”. I loved you, I still do. It’s so stupid for me to even say that, we were never actually dating. I bent over backwards to please you and make you want me just as much as I wanted you, it never worked. You withdrew time and time again without a single explanation. I think that’s what hurt the most, you didn’t even care enough about me to tell me why. Why you left as though I’d wronged you in a completely unforgivable way.

I spent two years of my High School career with the thought of when you would return to my side, because you always did. You always came back. That’s why I thought I was different than all the girls in your past. I needed confirmation that I was worth it, even if it was just from you. Not once did I concern myself with any other guys because none of them ever compared to how magical I thought you were. “We” were a travesty inside of a daydream that I began to actually think was a reality. I lost a lot of opportunities with other great guys because of you. I’m not trying to speak like I’m above anyone else, since you made me feel like appreciating who I am was a bad thing to do. I lost friendships because they saw your true intentions before I did. I took every ounce of anything positive in my life and put it into my love for you. But I was nothing to you. I was just, available.

We didn’t speak again until May 21st, 2017. Three days after my sister and her friend were hit by that “one crazy man that made a u- turn onto the sidewalk”. I was surprised you called, to tell me you were outside and to put on some clothes, shower if I wanted to. You probably figured I hadn’t left my house since the 18th so yeah. I got dressed and went downstairs, and got into your car, no hesitation. You told me that you loved me, and that I was the only one you wanted to be with. Even at my worst, you saw all the life that had been ripped away from my soul, return. You knew that you were the light of my life. You “had my back” ever since then, right? You stuck by my side in school when someone told me that “that guy shoulda’ just gone a little bit faster”, right? When I nearly had a panic attack every class period because someone brought it up when all I wanted was silence. You weren’t there, not then, not ever.

YOU NEVER LOVED ME. You never cared about me, I was always an afterthought for you. You were my everything, and I was left in the wind. I was available, that’s why you stayed as long as you did. Do I wish I could have gone back and ignored your first attempts to talk to me? Hell yeah I do. Would I ever go back if I was given the choice? Hell no I wouldn’t. I showed you that I was so vulnerable anything you did was still good enough, even if it didn’t benefit me at all. I loved you, I still do. But I’m not available anymore. No more phone calls, or texts at three in the morning about “why did you let that guy follow you?”. There is no love lost, I still want to see you eat, just not with me. I’m not available anymore.

I should have known better. I should have seen my efforts were scaling your mind and leaving empty handed. I should have known better that your desolate heart only had one intention. I should have known that you would leave me stranded, as you eventually did. Once you realized I was of no benefit to you, you left. I should have seen that. My mind was too open and my heart along side it, welcoming you with arms of embrace. You did not want any of that, I should have known. My attempts to make you care for me the way I so willingly had for you were left unmasked, showing your true colors.

I should have known that you were never really there for me. I should have seen that you would leave when the next best thing came along. I should have plucked the wilting petals of your flowers that attach themselves so easily to me. The roots that dug underneath my heart began to burrow into my soul. But I did not see any of it. I gave you my mind blindly, and you deceived me with your words. I should have known all along. The first time aI red flag went into the air, I pushed it under the carpet;, it was never there. As they flags continued to shoot up in my mind, the more my perception of you changed. I dismissed any bad thoughts of you or any actions that would put anyone on their toes. I cared so deeply for you, so much more I allowed you to control every aspect of my life.

I should have known the second you began to disappear from my vision. The clear glass window was now fogged with fingerprints of “when will you return”. But you didn’t, you manipulated everything you did that was so blatantly wrong, into making everyone around you that they were the cause. I should have known that you aren’t a real person. The facade you carried with you throughout our companionship was nothing but mashed up words and fake love. You lied to me. I should have known that I was nothing to you other than something to use until it’s no longer needed. I was almost literally a piece of chewing gum. You brought me into your life with warmth and comfort, and spit me out once I had no flavor anymore.

I know better now. I am strong, and beautiful. Someone will be pretty damn lucky to have me by their side. I write about you a lot, because I really should have known that you were no good for me. But I know now, and I am so happy I do. I am independent and loving. I show compassion and empathy where they are needed. I am someone’s shoulder to cry on even when I do not have one of my own. I am worth so much more than you made me believe I was. I am ready to give out my love like the sun gives us rays of light and warmth and joy. I know better. I am the Mona Lisa, priceless. I am the colosseum, timeless. I am the city of Rome, I was not built in a day. I was broken down and abandoned, and hated and destroyed.

I built myself back up, with others of course. I gave myself the love I needed and began to grow. I am the flowers that grow after each rainstorm. I grow stronger, and yes sometimes, when the storm is rough, I break, I wilt, and crumble. But I always grow back again. I am worth so much that words on a page could never describe. You will never define me, or manifest in my mind when the days are long and sorrowful. You are happy in your new life, and that is all I ever desired for you. I always only intended to make you happy. But now, I am happy too. You have changed me, for both the better and worst. Leaving me at my worst forced me to help myself become my best. So thank you. I should have known back then, but I know now.