Low Self-esteem Patterns                   

Codependents often . . . 

• have difficulty making decisions. 

• judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough. 

• are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. 

• value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own. 

• do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons. 

• seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than. 

• have difficulty admitting a mistake. 

• need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good. 

• are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want. 

• perceive themselves as superior to others.

• look to others to provide their sense of safety. 

• have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects. 

• have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries. 

Compliance Patterns                              

Codependents often . . . 

• are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. 

• compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger. 

• put aside their own interests in order to do what others want. 

• are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings. 

• are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others. 

• accept sexual attention when they want love. 

• make decisions without regard to the consequences. 

• give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change. 

Control  Patterns                                   

Codependents often . . . 

• believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves. 

• attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel. 

• freely offer advice and direction without being asked. 

• become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice. 

• lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence. 

• use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance. 

• have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others. 

• demand that their needs be met by others. 

• use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate. 

• use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally. 

• refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate. 

• adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes. 

• use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others. 

• pretend to agree with others to get what they want. 

Avoidance  Patterns                              

Codependents often . . . 

• act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them. 

• judge harshly what others think, say, or do. 

• avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance. 

• allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships. 

• use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation. 

• diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery. 

• suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable. 

• pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away. 

• refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves. 

• believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness. 

• withhold expressions of appreciation.

The Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence may not be reprinted or republished without the express written consent of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. This document may be reprinted from the website www.coda.org (CoDA) for use by members of the CoDA Fellowship. Copyright © 2011 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved

Recovery  Patterns

For each Codependent Pattern, there is a corresponding Recovery Pattern. By making an honest effort to work the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, these Recovery Patterns begin to appear in our lives.