Robert Downey Jr

Musk vs Zuckerberg CAGE FIGHT


Scene: Tesla Space Headquarters

Characters:


INT. TESLA SPACE HEADQUARTERS - DAY

We see Tony Stark in his casual attire, touring the facility with Elon Musk. Both wear sunglasses indoors for inexplicable yet perfectly on-brand reasons.


TONY STARK:
So, you want to go to Mars because Earth is too mainstream?

ELON MUSK:
I prefer the term "backup planet," Tony. You of all people should appreciate the importance of redundancy.

TONY STARK:
You got me there.


They pass by a SPACE INTERN nervously fumbling with a sophisticated looking gadget.

SPACE INTERN:
(whispering to himself)
Don't drop it. Don't drop it. Don't drop it...


The INTERN DROPS IT. A loud CRASH follows. Both Tony and Elon wince.

TONY STARK:
Yikes. That's coming out of someone's cosmic paycheck.

ELON MUSK:
(presses button on his phone)
Send that to the "Not-going-to-Mars" pile.


Jarvis interrupts through Tony Stark's earpiece.

JARVIS:
Sir, Ms. Potts is calling. Also, Mark Zuckerberg has tweeted about your visit.


TONY STARK:
(taps earpiece to answer)
Hey, Pep. You won't believe who I'm hanging with.


Pepper Potts appears on a holographic screen. She looks unimpressed.

PEPPER POTTS:
Unless it's a NASA accountant who can explain your recent "business expenses," I'm not interested.


TONY STARK:
Even better. I'm with the man who's making NASA obsolete.

ELON MUSK:
(waves at the hologram)
Hey, Pepper. Want to go to Mars?

PEPPER POTTS:
I can barely get you to go to couples' therapy, Tony.


Tony LAUGHS, Elon CHUCKLES, and the screen goes black as Pepper hangs up.

TONY STARK:
She's the reason I haven't bought a one-way ticket to your red paradise yet.

ELON MUSK:
Fair enough. We're still working on the Wi-Fi up there anyway.


JARVIS:
Sir, Mark Zuckerberg has tweeted, "Elon Musk might be aiming for the stars, but Facebook Connect is bringing people together without leaving Earth. #DownToEarth."

TONY STARK:
Ooh, a subtweet. Classy.

ELON MUSK:
Please, the only connection he’s made is connecting people's data to advertisers.


Elon hits a button, and a hologram of Mark Zuckerberg appears.

HOLOGRAM OF MARK ZUCKERBERG:
I heard that.

TONY STARK:
Look who's joining the cosmic party.

ELON MUSK:
Tell me, Mark. How's the metaverse coming along? Last I checked, reality is still in beta.


The hologram of Zuckerberg flickers and vanishes.

TONY STARK:
And he unfriends us. What a world.

ELON MUSK:
In that case, want to take a SpaceX rocket for a spin?

TONY STARK:
Oh, you had me at "Space."


Both laugh and stride off, leaving the nervous Space Intern picking up the pieces of the dropped gadget.

SPACE INTERN:
(to himself)
Is it too late to switch from Team Zuckerberg to Team Musk?


Fade to black, cue laugh track.

END SCENE.