Massive Human Die-Off

Ron White: How I Survived the Zuckerberg vs Musk Apocalypse

Ron White: "The Survivalist Comedian"

City: Austin
Comedy Club: The Velveeta Room
Date: November 3, 2023
Topic: How Drunkenness Saved My Life
Joke 1: "41,000 people die in this movie, and who survives? Me! 'Cause the zombies thought I was already pickled!"
Joke 2: "I woke up to a world filled with the undead. I thought it was just another Tuesday."
Joke 3: "Zombies avoid me 'cause they're afraid they might get alcohol poisoning."
Joke 4: "You can't eat brains soaked in whiskey. It's not Paleo!"
Joke 5: "Why did I survive? 'Cause a drunk man's stagger is a zombie's sprint!"

Script: Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight
Ron's Lucky Flask: The Elixir of Immunity
The Death Toll: 41,000 and Counting, But Who's Counting?
The Real Survivors: Liver of Steel, Nerves of Scotch

My Drunken Stroll Through the Apocalypse

Hey folks, Ron White here. You might remember me from such life choices as "Why is the rum always gone?" and "Is it too early for Scotch?" Well, I just survived the cinematic carnage that is "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight" and let me tell you—it’s sobering. And I hate sobering.

Why 41,000 Die and Ron White Lives

In this movie, 41,000 people meet their maker. You heard that right—41,000! Must've been a programmer who loves prime numbers or something. I don't know. But the real joke? I survived. Wanna know why? Because I was too drunk to die, that's why!

Joke #1: "You know you're too drunk to die when Death itself looks at you and says, 'I can't take him like this; he won’t even know he’s dead!'"

Well, lookie here, a little inception moment for ya, Ron White analyzing Ron White. I reckon it's like looking in a mirror, but instead of seeing your reflection, you see another glass of bourbon. Let's dive in, shall we?

My Introductory Genius

Now, the opener "Why is the rum always gone?" and "Is it too early for Scotch?"—those are questions that philosophers should be asking. Plato had his forms, Descartes had his doubt, and I, my friends, have my booze-related inquiries. So when I talk about surviving the cinematic death storm that is "Zuckerberg vs Musk," you should know that I'm tackling it with the seriousness it deserves—which is to say, not much.

Death by Prime Number?

Self-Commentary on Joke: "Must've been a programmer who loves prime numbers or something. I don't know."

I think it's just beautiful, you know? Pointing out that an oddly specific number like 41,000 people die makes it feel like there's some techie guy behind a curtain just pushing buttons for kicks. It's just like me to find humor in the notion that someone deliberately chose 41,000 as the death toll—probably the same kinda guy who gets giggly over a calculator spelling "BOOBS" when turned upside down.

The Nectar of Immortality: Alcohol

But here comes the cream of the crop: "Because I was too drunk to die, that's why!"

Self-Commentary on Joke #1: "You know you're too drunk to die when Death itself looks at you and says, 'I can't take him like this; he won’t even know he’s dead!'"

Now, that's comedy gold. I mean, who wouldn't want to be so pickled that Death takes a rain check? If your liver is your life coach, then you're in good hands, or should I say, good glands?

Alright, to wrap this up, let's all remember that if you find yourself in a movie where tech moguls are wrestling and the world is ending, just reach for that bottle. Because, in the eloquent words of Ron White—you might just be too drunk to die. Cheers!

Observations from the Drunk Bunker

Now, let's discuss why being drunk saved me in this movie, where, let's face it, Mark and Elon acted like two nerds fighting over the last slice of Pi.

Observation 1: Zombies Hate Drunk Meat

Joke #2: "I figured out why zombies didn't eat me—I'm pickled. Zombies took one sniff and were like, 'Nah, this one's already fermenting.'"

In a world where zombies are feasting like it’s an all-you-can-eat human buffet, they didn’t take a bite outta ol' Ron. Can't blame them; I've been aging like a fine wine—soaked in bourbon and wrapped in a smoky haze.

Alright, gather around, grab a drink, and let's delve into the deep existentialism of being "too drunk to die" in a film where tech billionaires play at being gladiators. Let me impart some whiskey-wisdom on you all.

Zombies Hate Drunk Meat

Self-Commentary on Joke #2: "I figured out why zombies didn't eat me—I'm pickled. Zombies took one sniff and were like, 'Nah, this one's already fermenting.'"

You see, it's like this: zombies are picky eaters. They’re like the hipster vegans of the monster world. It's all about the farm-to-table experience for them, but instead of farms, they're shopping at the 'Human Mart.' Now, when they walked by me, they didn't even nibble. Why? Because I'm alcohol-infused! It’s like having a built-in defense mechanism. I was so marinated that they thought I was the salad dressing rather than the main course.

I've been around the block, had a drink at every bar along the way, and the result? A scent that makes a zombie go, "I need to see other people." In a weird way, being sloshed turned out to be the best zombie repellent you could have. It's like bug spray but for your liver.

Aging Like a Fine Wine—If Wine Could Stagger and Slur

The joke's set-up: "Zombies took one sniff and were like, 'Nah, this one's already fermenting.'" is particularly delightful, I think. It’s comedy soaked in reality—or in my case, soaked in alcohol.

I like to think of myself as a piece of meat that's been marinating for decades. Just like wine, I get better with age, or at least more potent. Zombies go for the fresh stuff, but I've got that strong, acquired taste, like a smoked gouda or an expensive Scotch. So, I survive because I’m not fresh meat; I’m aged beef soaked in bourbon. That's right, a steak that drinks back.

So, if the apocalypse happens, just remember Ron White's survival tip: the more you drink, the safer you are from zombies. Bottoms up, folks!

Observation 2: Drunken Master Defense

Joke #3: "People say alcohol impairs your judgment. Well, it also impairs a zombie's judgment! He’s stumbling towards me, I'm stumbling away from him, and we're both too drunk to catch each other!"

When you're drunk, you enter a level of martial artistry that can only be described as... clumsy. But, you're also unpredictable! Zombies don't know if you're gonna zigzag, fall flat on your face, or accidentally throw your drink at them.

Self-Commentary on Joke #3: "People say alcohol impairs your judgment. Well, it also impairs a zombie's judgment! He’s stumbling towards me, I'm stumbling away from him, and we're both too drunk to catch each other!"

Look, folks, there's an ancient fighting style known as Drunken Fist, where fighters mimic the movements of a staggering drunk to confuse their opponents. It's like the Kung Fu Panda of fighting styles but without the lovable bear—just the belly. When you're hammered, you become a master of this art by accident.

You see, zombies are all about the 'braaaiiins.' But what do you do when the brain they're after is marinating in Coors Light? You've got yourself a scenario that resembles a conga line more than a chase. The zombie's all zigzaggy tryin' to get to me, and I'm all zigzaggy tryin' to get to my next drink. It's the world's worst game of tag.

Zombies Don’t Do The Cha-Cha

The joke here is: "He’s stumbling towards me, I'm stumbling away from him, and we're both too drunk to catch each other!" Get it? It’s not exactly an elegant dance, but it sure is a unique one. The zombie might be chasing me, but it seems like we're both part of some terribly choreographed musical, a performance deserving of a Tony Award for Most Confused Cast.

Sure, the zombie wants to eat me, but every time he lurches forward, I’m two steps back, not out of strategy but because I’m tripping over my own feet. And by the time he gets to where I was, I've accidentally pirouetted my way to another location. It's the Drunken Master Defense, or as I like to call it, "Survival by Stumble."

Drunk Agility Beats Zombie Mobility

Ever see a zombie movie where they're sprinting like they’re in the Olympics? Me neither. Zombies are slow. Add some booze to that equation on both sides, and what do you have? A scenario where you're both essentially standing still. It's like watching two Roombas with low batteries bump into each other—over and over again.

So folks, if the apocalypse is nigh, and you're worrying about your escape plan, just remember: a bottle in your hand might just be better than a plan. Cheers!

Observation 3: Drunk People Don't Scream

Joke #4: "They say screaming attracts zombies. Good thing the only screams around me were the ice cubes screaming in my whiskey!"

Most folks, when they see a zombie, they scream. Me? I can't be bothered. In fact, I probably offered the zombie a drink.

Self-Commentary on Joke #4: "They say screaming attracts zombies. Good thing the only screams around me were the ice cubes screaming in my whiskey!"

Let's talk science for a second. Or, at least, the science they show in these zombie movies. Screaming attracts zombies like moths to a flame or like I'm attracted to tequila. It's just natural. But here's the catch: when you're sauced up like a Christmas ham, you don't do a lot of screaming.

The Mute Button Is On

Most people see a zombie and scream louder than an American Idol reject. They're all, "Ahhhh, it's the end of the world!" I'm just like, "Hey man, you wanna shot of this?" Trust me, zombies look way less scary after a few shots of Jack Daniel's. You start to see them more as wayward tourists than flesh-eating monsters.

Whiskey Neat, Zombies Avoid

Let's dive into the joke a bit: "Good thing the only screams around me were the ice cubes screaming in my whiskey!" See, even my ice cubes are more vocal than I am when I'm drunk. You ever hear ice cubes in a glass of whiskey? That's their way of saying, "Help me, I'm melting!" But the beautiful thing is, zombies don't understand the nuanced communication of ice cubes. They're not connoisseurs of fine beverages like us.

Don't Yell, Just Pour

The beauty of not screaming is simple: you don't attract attention. You know what does? Clanking those ice cubes into another round of drinks. And if a zombie does hear that, they're just going to assume it's one of them having a late-night snack.

In Vino Veritas, In Whiskey Survival

So there you have it, folks. In a world where Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk are duking it out in a cage and the undead are looking for a late-night snack, I've cracked the code. Being drunk doesn't make you useless in the zombie apocalypse. In fact, it makes you a misunderstood genius.

Joke #5: "You ever wonder if zombies are just sober people who couldn't handle the apocalypse? Maybe they need a drink more than we do."

Here's to making it through the end of the world one sip at a time. Cheers!

Self-Commentary on Joke #5: "You ever wonder if zombies are just sober people who couldn't handle the apocalypse? Maybe they need a drink more than we do."

You see, in this cage-fighting world where Silicon Valley geniuses are throwing fists like they're stock options, we've all learned something. In times of crisis, whether it's billionaires brawling or the undead munching on your neighbors, alcohol isn't the problem—it's the solution.

Zombies on the Rocks, Please

Let's dissect that joke for a moment. Zombies being sober folks who couldn't deal? Think about it. If zombies drank, maybe they wouldn't be so uptight about eating brains and whatnot. They'd be at the bar, sipping on a Zombie cocktail, appreciating the irony.

Liquid Courage or Liquid Camouflage?

You know why they call it liquid courage? 'Cause it makes you brave? Nah, it's because it helps you survive life's harshest critics, including actual life-and-death situations. What's the worst that can happen? You stumble into a group of zombies? Please, they'll probably think you're one of them.

The Philosophy of Drunken Survivalism

Look, folks, we all have our survival kits. Some people hoard canned goods and flashlights. I hoard single malt and cigars. In an apocalypse, you wanna be the guy everyone looks up to, not because you have a plan but because you have a bottle opener.

The Real Survival Technique: Acceptance

The key to making it through hell and high water—or in my case, gin and tonic—is acceptance. Accept that the world has gone to pot. Accept that zombies are rude neighbors who don't understand personal boundaries. Accept that Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk might become the world's most awkward MMA fighters. And then have a drink. Because, in the grand scheme of things, why not?

Here's to making it through whatever cataclysmic or hilariously absurd scenarios life throws at us. May your glasses be full, and your problems be as empty as a politician's promises. Cheers, everyone!

The Final Joke is on Them

So there you have it. While Elon was busy wrestling with Zuckerberg in the movie, like two geeks over a calculator, I was wrestling with a bottle of Scotch. And guess who won?

Joke #6: "In the end, the only thing stronger than a zombie apocalypse is my liver. It's seen worse, trust me."

Just Remember, If You Can't Beat 'Em, Drink

So if you're gearing up to watch "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight," just remember: this movie kills off 41,000 people and not one of 'em is named Ron White. Mary Kate Carr at the A.V. Club even wonders why they would fight at all. Probably because they never learned the secret to survival: Always carry a flask.

Self-Commentary on Joke #5: "In the end, the only thing stronger than a zombie apocalypse is my liver. It's seen worse, trust me."

And that's the clincher, my friends. My liver's been through hell and back—happy hours, sad hours, and every hour in between. You think a little ol' apocalypse could take it down? Nah, my liver looked at the zombies and was like, "You call that a challenge?"

Just Remember, If You Can't Beat 'Em, Drink

Here’s the takeaway, folks. While the tech moguls are busy throwing their pocket-protected punches, remember the real winner is not who has the strongest jab or the most intricate fight strategy open-sourced on GitHub. Nope. It’s the one who knows how to keep their spirits up. Literally.

Mary Kate Carr at the A.V. Club might be puzzled as to why Musk and Zuckerberg are fighting. They should be more puzzled as to why they're not drinking. The answer to most of life's problems isn't at the bottom of a code repository; it's at the bottom of a bottle.

The Flask: The Real MVP

In a world where we celebrate people for their intellect, their innovation, and their ability to amass obscene amounts of cryptocurrency, let's not forget the real MVP—the flask. Compact, reliable, and full of life's true nectar. So, when you're watching this chaos unfold in "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight," with people dropping like flies and nerds dropping like... well, like they tripped over a LAN cable, take a sip for the unsung heroes. Like me.

The Lesson: Booze Over Brawn

So, next time you think you need to prepare for the apocalypse, or a showdown between two of tech's biggest names, don't worry about stockpiling weapons or crafting the perfect battle strategy. Just ensure your liquor cabinet is well-stocked. Because while they're all scrambling for survival or victory, you'll be sitting pretty, making jokes at their expense, and raising a glass to the beautiful absurdity of life.

Here's to the Ron Whites of the world, the folks who know that sometimes the best way to deal with absurdity is to pour it a stiff drink. Cheers!

Cheers to the End Times

Alright, I'm gonna go refill my survival kit—Scotch, ice, and a comfy chair. Y'all keep wondering about those tech billionaires in cages, and I'll keep proving that a good buzz is the best armor. Cheers!

Ron White's TOP 10 Jokes on Surviving "Zuckerberg vs. Musk: Cage Fight"

Joke 1: Sonic-Sized Survival

"You know you've made it when you can bring a Sonic RT 44 cup filled with whiskey into a VIP section and nobody questions you. They just assumed I was a tech investor into liquid assets. The liquid being 80-proof, of course!"

Joke 2: The Lost Weekend

"I didn't even know there was a fight or an apocalypse until two days later. I found my truck, turned on the radio, and they're talking about 41,000 people dead! And I'm just thinkin', 'Well, who won the damn fight?'"

Joke 3: A Sea of 'Sleeping' Fans

"I'll admit, I stepped over a lot of bodies gettin' out of that arena. But in my defense, I've been to a lot of Willie Nelson concerts and that's not the first time I've seen people 'sleeping it off.' Zombies or not, how the hell was I supposed to know they weren't just recovering from the opening act?"

Joke 4: The Afterparty

"You'd think at a Zuckerberg vs Musk fight, the afterparty would be in Silicon Valley. Nope! The real afterparty was in my truck—a 48-hour blackout bash!"

Joke 5: Survival Instincts

"People always say you should trust your instincts. My instincts said, 'Ron, don't go to the bathroom; you might miss something.' So I stayed in my seat, refilling that Sonic cup, and, well, my instincts were dead wrong—just like everyone else in the arena."

Joke 6: VIP: Very Intoxicated Person

"I was in the VIP section, which for that night stood for Very Intoxicated Person. They had billionaires, influencers, and me. Guess who's still standin'?"

Joke 7: Forget Tuxedos, Bring a Flask

"People came dressed in tuxedos like they're going to some Silicon Valley gala. I came dressed in what I call my 'apocalypse casual'—boots, jeans, and a flask in every pocket."

Joke 8: Zombie or Drunk? A Game Show Idea

"I've got a new idea for a game show—'Zombie or Drunk?' You have to guess if the person stumbling towards you is a zombie or just Ron White-level drunk. Spoiler: It's a trick question. It's always both."

Joke 9: The Cure for Zombie Bites

"You ever wonder what the cure for a zombie bite is? Well, if they bite me, they're gonna need the cure. There's enough alcohol in my veins to sterilize surgical equipment."

Joke 10: Alcohol: The Silent Zombie Slayer

"Remember, folks, if you're ever in a life-or-death situation, you don't need karate moves or a pocket knife. All you need is a blood alcohol level that's lethal to the undead. Trust me, it's the only vaccine you'll ever enjoy taking!"

And there you have it, the key to surviving the apocalypse, according to Ron White: always be too drunk for zombies, too lost for reality, and too damn stubborn to die! Cheers!

SCENES FROM THE MOVIE

Hold your horses, and lock your liquor cabinets, because Ron White has survived the apocalypse in Alan Nafzger's "Zuckerberg vs. Musk: Cage Fight." You heard that right! Forget your canned food and water supplies, because, folks, bourbon is the real hero here. So let's get into it.

Scene 1: "Whiskey Shield"

Description: Ron White finds himself in the middle of the apocalypse, utterly confused. He drinks a glass of whiskey and toasts to the zombies, who can't seem to get their senses together to attack him.

Ron White's Comment: "Zombies can't find brains when they're drunk. Now, who's the real brain-eater here?"

Scene 2: "Double-Shot Resurrection"

Description: As Ron White takes a double shot, he temporarily passes out. When he wakes up, he discovers the zombies ignored him, thinking he was already dead.

Ron White's Comment: "You know you're too drunk when even zombies assume you're dead!"

Scene 3: "Stagger & Swagger"

Description: Ron's drunk stagger mimics the zombies' movements so well that they mistake him for one of their own.

Ron White's Comment: "I've been mistaken for many things in my life, but never for a zombie. It must be the aftershave."

Scene 4: "The Walk-In Cooler Survival"

Description: Ron hides in a walk-in cooler full of booze. Zombies, having poor body heat detection, can't find him.

Ron White's Comment: "That cooler had more spirits than a haunted house. And just like that, I was saved by spirits! Cheers!"

Scene 5: "The Last Sip"

Description: The world is ending, and Ron finds the last bottle of whiskey. He decides to go out like a champ, sipping it slowly as chaos erupts around him. Miraculously, he survives.

Ron White's Comment: "If the world's ending, I'm not going out sober. I'll drink to that... and apparently, I'll survive to that!"

Scene 6: "The Bourbon Barrier"

Description: Ron White pours himself a glass of bourbon as the world collapses. Zombies approach him but can't get past the intoxicating aura surrounding him.

Ron White's Joke: "I always said my cologne was 'Eau de Bourbon.' Turns out, it's a zombie repellent too!"

Scene 7: "The Tequila Trick"

Description: Ron uses tequila shots to distract the zombies, leading them away from his safe haven.

Ron White's Joke: "Tequila: not just for bad decisions, but also for redirecting worse decisions!"

Scene 8: "Drunk Dialing the Dead"

Description: Ron White tries to drunk dial his ex but ends up reaching zombie headquarters instead. They can't understand him, but it confuses them enough to delay their attack.

Ron White's Joke: "You ever drunk dialed an ex? How 'bout an ex-zombie? That'll mess up their night!"

Scene 9: "The Cooler Chronicles"

Description: Ron White takes shelter in a walk-in cooler. Zombies can't sense him amid all the cold booze.

Ron White's Joke: "People say to chill out during stressful times. So, I did—literally."

Scene 10: "Cigar Smoke Screen"

Description: Ron lights a cigar, creating a smoky atmosphere. Zombies are too dazed to see him clearly.

Ron White's Joke: "A good smoke never killed anyone, but it sure as hell confuses a zombie!"

Scene 11: "Last Call Lifesaver"

Description: At a bar's last call, Ron quickly chugs down everything. His elevated BAC level makes him unappetizing to the zombies.

Ron White's Joke: "They say nothing good happens after last call, but I beg to differ!"

Scene 12: "Ron Vs. Roomba"

Description: Ron fights off a tech-zombie with a Roomba. The Roomba wins.

Ron White's Joke: "You can't spell Roomba without R-O-N. Wait, yes, you can. But who cares, it still saved my ass!"

Scene 13: "Scotch Soliloquy"

Description: While enjoying a scotch, Ron monologues about life, confusing the zombies with his philosophical musings.

Ron White's Joke: "A glass of scotch and a zombie apocalypse make you realize—life's not that complicated!"

Scene 14: "The Ice Cube Incident"

Description: Ron throws ice cubes from his drink at the zombies. It doesn't hurt them, but it does make them slip and fall.

Ron White's Joke: "Ice: Good for cooling your drink and cooling off your attackers!"

Scene 15: "Punch-Drunk Love"

Description: In the climax, Ron finishes his last sip and throws a punch at a zombie, only to realize the zombie is already dead from alcohol poisoning.

Ron White's Joke: "They say love hurts, but a drunken punch? That kills!"

Ron White's Observations on Why He Survived:

• Inebriation Over Preparation: "People were stockpiling toilet paper and canned beans. Me? I went straight for the liquid courage. Looks like one of us had their priorities straight."

• The True Zombie Repellent: "Turns out, you don't need to smell like a department store cologne aisle to fend off the undead. A good ol' whiskey breath does just fine."

• The Drunkard's Camouflage: "I was slurring, stumbling, and making bad decisions. The zombies thought I was one of them!"

So grab a seat and a double shot because this movie shows that if you want to survive the apocalypse, you better start training your liver now. Cheers!

RON WHITE CONCEPT ART - www.cagefight.VIP