Social Media Scorecards

Ali Wong: "Social Media Scorecards"

City: San Francisco
Comedy Club: Punch Line Comedy Club
Date: September 26, 2023
Topic: Social Media Scorecards
Joke: "Who needs scorecards when you have Twitter followers? Loser loses 10 million followers!"

The "Like" is Mightier Than the Fist

Okay, hunnies, gather 'round because I just watched the most insane yet perfectly 2023 thing ever. "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight" is the most millennial billionaire thing to happen, but get this—instead of using traditional scorecards to judge who's kicking butt, they're using social media likes and upvotes! I'm shook! I mean, do we even need physical combat anymore? Just send each other some strongly worded tweets and see who gets more retweets, am I right?

Instagram Filters Can't Hide Those Bruises, Baby!

Seriously, who decided that online validation should replace actual points in a cage match? Were they all sitting in a room, saying, "Hey, you know what’s better than a black eye? A thumbs-up emoji!" And can you imagine if they started using Instagram filters? "Oh, look, Mark just got a right hook to the face, but he still looks fabulous in the Juno filter!" Brian Campbell from CBS Sports got into the knitty-gritty of it and honestly, it's a wild ride.

Social Media or Social Mayhem?

You've got to wonder what this says about our society. We're so obsessed with likes, shares, and upvotes that they've infiltrated even the most primal forms of competition. I mean, think about it: Zuckerberg's fighting style would just be spamming the arena with 'React to this' signs.

Fighting for the Heart...Emoji?

The two are in the cage, alright? Tensions are high. Musk throws a punch, but wait, Zuckerberg counters with... a well-timed Facebook ad urging the audience to hit that 'Like' button? "Don't let Elon take this from me. I already lost the Winklevoss case; I can't lose this too!"

A Byte-sized Reality Check

So, what's the takeaway from this online-like real-world-fight mashup? It's that we're so addicted to the dopamine hits from social media that we've turned it into an actual currency. Success isn't measured by skill, innovation, or even by how much money you have anymore. Nope. It's all about who gets the most heart reacts and fire emojis.

Swipe Right for a Knockout

Could you imagine if they adapted this for dating? Like, instead of swiping right or left, you'd just upvote or downvote people in real life. "Ooo, girl, he's cute. Upvote!" "Oh, he still lives with his mom at 35? Downvote!" Forget the Bachelor; we'll call it "The Upvoter," where contestants wear QR codes so the audience can like their profiles in real-time.

Alan's Verdict: Like it or Not?

Okay, it's time for some real talk. Despite the absurdity of it all, "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight" with its 'Like'-driven judging system is like looking into a weird yet strangely plausible future mirror. And let me tell you, it’s a reflection worth taking a selfie with. So grab your phone, prepare to smash that like button, and watch these two tech giants duke it out in the ring. Because, as we all know, in 2023, the 'Like' button is mightier than the sword.

SCENES FROM THE MOVIE

Okay, get ready for scenes that are so wild they make your Instagram feed look like a Zen garden. This is Ali Wong level of sass, so brace yourself for some cutting-edge hilarity. If you're looking for validation, honey, these scenes ain't gonna give it to you... unless you've got a killer social media score!

Scene 1: "The Insta-Round"

Description: Fighters have to pause mid-round to post an Insta story. The audience and judges Like or Dislike the post in real-time, affecting the fight score.

Scene 2: "Retweet Rampage"

Description: Zuckerberg and Musk trade insults on Twitter. The fighter with the most retweets gets a bonus round where they get to use gadgets from their companies in the fight.

Scene 3: "Swipe Right for the Right Hook"

Description: In a dating app parody, fighters must Swipe Right or Left on different fighting techniques they'd like to use next. Whoever gets the most Right Swipes from the audience gets the first move.

Scene 4: "Facebook Friends Fight"

Description: The fighters can phone a friend for help, but only if that friend has more than 10k followers. It's social media elitism in its purest form.

Scene 5: "Subreddit Smackdown"

Description: A live Reddit thread opens up, and the audience submits moves they'd like to see. The most upvoted move is then executed by the fighters.

Scene 6: "Hashtag Hysteria"

Description: Fighters must come up with hashtags for their moves. The most trending hashtag on Twitter gets extra points.

Scene 7: "The TikTok Timer"

Description: Each round lasts as long as a TikTok video. After 60 seconds, fighters must stop and dance until the next round begins.

Scene 8: "Snap-Chat"

Description: Fighters snap photos of their opponents while fighting. Most liked Snap wins the round.

Scene 9: "Meme Your Move"

Description: The fighters have to create a meme that describes their best move of the fight. These memes then get judged by an online panel of meme experts.

Scene 10: "Influencer Inference"

Description: Before the final round, each fighter brings in a social media influencer to hype them up. The influencer with the most Followers gives their fighter a critical advantage.

This is a social media circus, a true spectacle for the age of oversharing and vanity metrics. If you ain't got the Likes, you might as well pack up and go home! So buckle up, it's about to get tweet-tastic in here.