Ad Breaks

Patton Oswalt: "Ad Breaks"

City: Portland
Comedy Club: Helium Comedy Club
Date: September 19, 2023
Topic: Ad Breaks
Joke: "Imagine the ads during this fight. 'Had a tough day in the tech war? Try some Silicon Valley bubble bath!'"

The Comedy Cauldron: Startups During Ad Breaks

So, folks, I sat down to watch "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight," right? It's like someone turned the internet into a Mad Lib and then made it a movie. But the real gem, the shining moment that could have only come from the silicon brained people of Silicon Valley, is the startup pitches during the ad breaks! It's like interrupting a Shakespearean tragedy to cut to Billy Mays selling OxiClean. Absolutely bizarre and I can't look away!

Elevator Pitches in the Middle of Body Slams

It's hilarious. They're over here, sweat and all, tackling each other in this modern Colosseum, and BAM! Cut to someone pitching an app that makes your toaster tweet every time it's done toasting. “Yeah, I call it ‘ToastyTweet,' and I'm looking for a $2 million investment for a 3% stake.” Are you kidding me? What's next, an app that tells you how many times Mark Zuckerberg blinks in a minute? Call it 'Zuckerblink,' a steal at $10 million for 1% equity. Alex Blair from news.com.au seemed to find this just as amusing as I did.

Ah, Venture Capital, the True Punchline

You know what these startup pitches remind me of? Those late-night infomercials. The ones that convince you that you absolutely need a spaghetti fork that twirls by itself. And you can’t help but think, “Someone actually gave them money to make this, huh?” That’s venture capital in a nutshell. It’s like that uncle who insists on giving you a ‘collectible’ coin every Christmas. Dude, I'm nine. Just give me a Game Boy.

Why Stop at Toasters and Blink Rates?

Let's have more pitches! How about an app that turns Elon Musk's tweets into interpretive dance? You know what, forget the app; let's make it a whole startup. We'll call it 'MuskMoves,' and we'll take it to 'Shark Tank.' I want to see Mark Cuban’s face when someone pirouettes to "Doge to the Moon!"

No Holds Barred: The Ridiculous and the Revolutionary

Look, this might all sound absurd, but isn’t that the beauty of the tech world? Today’s ridiculous is tomorrow’s revolutionary. I mean, who thought sending disappearing photos would be a billion-dollar idea? The same guy who probably thought cage-fighting tech moguls would be a hit. The startups in these ad breaks might be laughable today, but you'll all be kicking yourselves when you didn’t invest in 'ToastyTweet.'

The Underbelly of Innovation

This whole ad break gimmick is a satire on steroids. It pokes fun at the tech industry while being an actual part of it. It's like making fun of your mom at a family gathering but laughing the hardest when she gets the best zinger. These little interruptions are not just comedic gold; they're also the epitome of Silicon Valley’s zany underbelly. It's like watching 'Black Mirror' if it was written by the Monty Python crew.

Alan Nafzger's Final Verdict

Alright, so should you read "Zuckerberg vs Musk: Cage Fight"? Heck yes! I mean, where else are you going to get a billionaire cage fight and an entrepreneur sideshow in one sitting? It's like a carnival for the tech-obsessed and financially reckless. And if you don't watch it for the spandex and sweat, watch it for the most awkward elevator pitches this side of a WeWork co-working space. You might just find the next big thing—or at least the next big joke. Either way, it's money well spent.

SCENES FROM THE MOVIE

Alright, alright, alright! Let's dial up the weirdness a notch, shall we? Think of this like an indie film directed by David Lynch, but you know, about tech moguls duking it out in a cage and start-ups with the most absurd pitches you've ever heard. Very Patton Oswalt-ish, where the humor comes in layers—like a tech nerd's T-shirts!

Scene 1: "Theranos 2.0"

Description: Elizabeth Holmes, played by an actress who looks nothing like her, pitches "Theranos 2.0." This time they can diagnose your existential dread by just staring at you.

Scene 2: "Uber for Pigeons"

Description: A desperate entrepreneur pitches "Uber for Pigeons." The pigeons can carry you short distances, but they may poop on you. Venture capital guys seem interested.

Scene 3: "Meditation App for Cats"

Description: During another ad break, a zen guru suggests a meditation app for cats. "Unlock your cat's inner peace while they stare blankly at a wall."

Scene 4: "The Bro-fessional Network"

Description: It's like LinkedIn but just for bros. "Yo, Bro! Endorsed you for PowerPoint and keg stands!"

Scene 5: "Pet Rock: The Next Generation"

Description: The nostalgic entrepreneur is back with a Wi-Fi-enabled Pet Rock. "It does nothing, but now it's connected to the cloud!"

Scene 6: "Hipster Hotdogs"

Description: A hipster pitches organic, gluten-free hotdogs. "You've never heard of them because we only sell them on an obscure corner of the Dark Web!"

Scene 7: "Musk's Hyperloop for Hamsters"

Description: A kid comes on stage proposing a tiny Hyperloop for hamsters. "High-speed underground travel for pets too lazy to use a wheel!"

Scene 8: "Haunted Alexa"

Description: An entrepreneur pitches an Alexa version that's haunted. "Ask it a question and a ghost might answer! Or not. We're not responsible for hauntings."

Scene 9: "Crowdfunding for Failed Startups"

Description: An ironic pitch about a crowdfunding platform exclusively for startups that have already failed. "Invest in spectacular failure, become a legend in reverse!"

Scene 10: "The Pause that Refreshes"

Description: The ad break itself is personified by an actor who continually promises that the best ad is yet to come, hyping the audience to a frenzied state before admitting there's no more time for ads.

Hey, I gotta say, in a world where start-ups can be as bizarre as a David Bowie costume, these ad breaks add a layer of absurdity that's almost... almost believable. Strap in and prepare for a roller coaster ride of cringe-worthy pitches!