When they returned to Beijing, night had already fallen. Xu Tangcheng followed Yi Zhe out the station, keeping his head lowered the entire time without speaking even a single word. Yi Zhe turned back a few times to look at him but didn't get a chance to meet his eyes. In the end, he waited a step and reached his side. Holding hands on the street would attract too much attention, so Yi Zhe reached out and tugged Xu Tangcheng's wrist.

Initially they had wanted to take the subway but when he saw the magnificent queue outside the station, Xu Tangcheng shook his head. "There are too many people, let's take a cab."

The cab driver they encountered was a chatter. From the moment they got into the cab, the driver enthusiastically chatted with them. Before long, questions such as where their hometowns were, how far it was from Beijing, and where they were studying, were all asked. This should be something Xu Tangcheng handled but today, their roles were changed. Xu Tangcheng rested against Yi Zhe's shoulder, hand wound around his arm, eyes half-closed as he listened to Yi Zhe and the driver talking.

A weekend had passed, yet Xu Tangcheng still could not wrap his head around the idea of their coming separation. The most obvious sign of this inability to accept it was that he could not muster any interest in anything. He didn't want to speak, he didn't want to move. If it wasn't because he was at home and had to face his family, all he would have done was to quietly stay with Yi Zhe, ignoring everyone else.

He kept a finger twisted around Yi Zhe's sleeve the whole time. There was a loose thread there. He tugged it and wound it around his finger too many times to be counted.

"We don't stay on campus the whole time. Sometimes we need to go out to do things like research and knowledge exchange, and we also need to get data," Yi Zhe said to the driver, then paused. "For example, I'll be going to the South Pole in the future."

The thread that had been winding at a steady rate came to a sudden stop, one loop coming loose. Xu Tangcheng looked up from where he was leaning against Yi Zhe's shoulder and saw that the other person was also looking at him.

"You're going to the South Pole?"

"Yeah."

Xu Tangcheng was rather stunned. He fell silent for a while.

"Why… didn't you tell me?"

Yi Zhe flicked a glance at the driver, then held Xu Tangcheng's slightly cold hands in his own hands.

"I've only just decided. I haven't had the chance to tell you yet, and also haven't told my teacher. My teacher mentioned this to me previously; at that time, I hesitated over whether or not to go. Later on, I thought about it. What I'm doing really needs this kind of data, so I decided to go."

This information was truly too out of the ordinary. For a long time, Xu Tangcheng couldn't regain his wits. He propped himself up, wanting to move away from Yi Zhe for now, but the moment his face left that shoulder, he suddenly felt a huge sorrow and reluctance.

The South Pole…

It was really a place that was too unfamiliar, too distant.

Why was he suddenly going to the South Pole?

He felt so weakened that he could not do it so Xu Tangcheng just gave up on sitting up properly, and leaned back against Yi Zhe's shoulder.

"Don't worry."

Looking at Xu Tangcheng's lost expression, Yi Zhe couldn't stop himself. He lifted his other hand and touched Xu Tangcheng's face.

His face was also cold.

"It won't be dangerous." Yi Zhe had yet to understand the situation in detail, yet he could only try his best to console him now. "I will probably be at the station most of the time. I won't run around so there won't be any danger."

"For how long?" After a period of silence, Xu Tangcheng asked.

"Probably a year. Before going, I still have to prepare for almost a year."

The cab made a turn. Their field of view changed.

"Driver." Looking at the familiar building, Xu Tangcheng suddenly called out. "I'm sorry. We're changing our destination to Worker's Stadium, West Road."

Yi Zhe looked at Xu Tangcheng with incomprehension. Xu Tangcheng didn't explain either and only planted a decisive kiss on his lips. Stunned, Yi Zhe widened his eyes slightly. Xu Tangcheng forced a smile and glanced at the driver—alas, the driver hadn't seen it.

Yi Zhe felt that on that night, it was from that moment on that Xu Tangcheng started to let go of his inhibitions.

Xu Tangcheng dragged Yi Zhe to Des. The last time they were there, it was to look for the inebriated Cheng Xu. They removed their coats and placed them in the lockers, and when they entered, they were both only wearing their sweatshirts. Yi Zhe didn't know why Xu Tangcheng had suddenly brought him here. He only knew that from the very start, there was something not quite right with Xu Tangcheng. He was afraid that Xu Tangcheng would get drunk, afraid that his mood was bad, so he had been nervous right from the very start when they entered. Unexpectedly, Xu Tangcheng didn't want alcohol; he directly pulled Yi Zhe to enter the most chaotic and the most lively dance pit.

As they entered, they bumped into another person. That person turned around, then studied Yi Zhe with interest. Yi Zhe nodded and apologised, but the other person suddenly reached out to pull his arm.

The person next to Yi Zhe brushed that hand away with a wave of his hand, standing before Yi Zhe without much of an expression on his face.

"Oh." That person looked at Xu Tangcheng, eyes shifting, and let out a laugh.

Xu Tangcheng was being fierce for once and found it a pretty good feeling. He pulled Yi Zhe away, reaching the center of the dance pit.

"The last time, I thought this place was very chaotic." Xu Tangcheng wrapped his arms around Yi Zhe's neck, then looked up and also forced Yi Zhe to bend down, bringing Yi Zhe's ear close to himself. "I thought this wasn't our world. Even though we're both guys, we're dating just like any other ordinary couple. We aren't like this."

Because the surroundings were too noisy, Xu Tangcheng was practically yelling those words. Yi Zhe didn't know how much strength he was using but it sounded like he was shouting himself hoarse. It made Yi Zhe furrow his brows and look at him.

This one look did not matter. In the many years to come, even in his dreams he would see this pair of bright eyes for not an insignificant number of times.

Xu Tangcheng didn't want to keep crying but his heart was aching with a thick and dense pain that he could not avoid no matter how he tried. In the past, he had even thought that the people in here had too much madness, and also too much despair. Love didn't mean losing yourself in pleasure in this manner, didn't mean letting your desires be exposed to every person passing by. Hence, he had felt suffocated, like he couldn't breath, all because of the shock and unfamiliarity of this place.

He believed that this wasn't his and Yi Zhe's world. Their love wasn't this kind of utter lack of inhibitions that existed in the darkness. Their intimacy was mostly in bickering, in the mundanities of daily life, in caring for each other—not a single one lacking. He wasn't used to this kind of environment, so at that time, he hadn't wanted to spend even one extra second in this place and had wanted to take Yi Zhe and Cheng Xu to leave quickly. But now, he was the one bringing Yi Zhe back to this place, like a soldier running away from the battle.

He finally understood the night that existed in this place.

The dance pit was crammed with many people, all of them twisting their bodies in different kinds of dance moves that weren't entirely beautiful. The multicoloured lights cast their glow on everyone's faces but no one could hold on to them. The people here were also not entirely the same—some were temporarily running away, some had decided to give up on themselves and sink to the bottom—but ultimately, they were all just unable to find a place to be in the real world.

People only thought that homosexuals were "freaks" but they had never thought of why those people became "freaks." Nor had they thought that even if those people stopped fighting, stopped debating, and accepted that label, could these "freaks" that had never done anything wrong also live a good life.

Nature would not yet destroy a species because of "good" or "bad," yet there were people who would judge that a group of people should not exist because of a reason like this.

Xu Tangcheng had never properly confessed his feelings to Yi Zhe. At the beginning, when he prepared to accept Yi Zhe, prepared to be together with him, he even had to borrow strength from alcohol. But he did not ask for alcohol today, nor was he drunk. He looked at the person in front of him—his most loved person—watching every blink of those eyes, and his head could not be any more clear.

"Yi Zhe." Xu Tangcheng laughed, but there were tears that couldn't wait to join the respite that came in this bizarre, fantastical form.

He asked the same question he did that night. In Yi Zhe's eyes, it was also the same as that night, like a multicoloured typhoon had blown through, taking away his breath, his heartbeat, but giving him a dream.

"Do you want to?"

But some things were different today too. Xu Tangcheng didn't wait for Yi Zhe's answer; instead, right after asking, he leaned forward and kissed him. Yi Zhe very quickly cupped Xu Tangcheng's face and when he returned the kiss, his thumb moved, wiping dry the tears on both cheeks.

A few people around them cheered them on, a belated acknowledgement that came from strangers.

"I want," Xu Tangcheng said, "I want to kiss you, I want to take you away tonight, I want to go to a place where no one knows us, I want to not care about anything else…"

Love was such a grand thing. Xu Tangcheng had never avoided or feared the responsibility he bore. He followed the rules and was a good child for over twenty years, he had never rebelled, he had never disappointed his parents. Now, he was actually having a thought that could not be any more absurd: he wanted to not care about anything and run away to somewhere far together with Yi Zhe.

Xu Tangcheng wanted to continue speaking but the unrealistic and irresponsible beautiful dream drowned his words. He rested his head beside Yi Zhe's ear, crying, unable to say the most important line: I want to love you for a lifetime.

Yi Zhe's eyes were also red. He kissed Xu Tangcheng as they made their way from the center of the dance pit to a corner. At some point, Xu Tangcheng's hand slipped under his sweatshirt. Dazzled, Yi Zhe held this overly enthusiastic person in his arms, blocking him from the crowd. He pulled down his collar and kissed him from the neck all the way to his collarbone, to his shoulder.

Xu Tangcheng suddenly let out a groan. Then, he squeezed his eyes shut and hugged Yi Zhe tightly. There was a faint ache on his shoulder; Yi Zhe had yet to let go of that piece of flesh.

A red mark was imprinted on that cool and pale shoulder. Yi Zhe rubbed it with his fingers, then straightened out Xu Tangcheng's collar. He didn't know how long the mark could last. He should have bitten down, biting until it bled and left a scar, so that Xu Tangcheng would remember when he saw it.

But he couldn't bear to.

For the entire night, Xu Tangcheng had been the one shouting, the one letting loose. At this moment, Yi Zhe finally said his only line.

He hugged Xu Tangcheng tightly, saying into his ear in a trembling voice:

"You must not forget me."

The day Xu Tangcheng was leaving, the two of them did not sleep the whole night. The entire night was spent on endless reminders to eat properly and to take care.

The flight would depart at nearly ten. At the first rays of dawn, Xu Tangcheng softly asked Yi Zhe who, like him, also had his eyes open and staring at the ceiling, "Let's get up?"

Yi Zhe was silent for a while. He turned over and gave him a long, slow kiss.

Just like in the past, they went to the breakfast stalls next to the neighbourhood for breakfast. Yi Zhe wanted to pay and fumbled in his pockets, then stopped and looked at Xu Tangcheng. Seeing that, Xu Tangcheng laughed softly and took out his wallet to pay.

Seeing Yi Zhe dragging a suitcase, the boss asked while getting the change, "Going on a trip?"

Neither Xu Tangcheng nor Yi Zhe spoke. The boss didn't get a response and gave them a curious look, and only then did Yi Zhe nod and say, "Yeah."

"How long is the trip? I'm gonna introduce a new kind of dumpling in a couple of days. My daughter even gave it an awesome name, The Three Threads. You two gotta come and give it a try."

Xu Tangcheng dropped his head and shuffled his feet. At the side, Yi Zhe said, "We'll be going on a long trip."

"Oh." The boss didn't expect that and glanced at the small suitcase in Yi Zhe's hands with surprise. "You two don't look like you're going on a long trip."

Xu Tangcheng was taking very few things with him. He packed barely a handful of clothes, taking along with him just some personal items and his laptop. Altogether, it didn't fill the twenty inch suitcase. When he was packing, Yi Zhe helped him and brought him a few items of clothing that he usually liked to wear, but Xu Tangcheng hung them all back in the wardrobe.

"Leave them here. I won't bring them along."

Even if it was already a foregone conclusion in reality, he still wanted to hold on to this superstitious belief that they were still together.

If he took away too many things, they could no longer be said to be living together.

Yi Zhe didn't say anything, letting Xu Tangcheng do as he wished. But when Xu Tangcheng brought his laptop over, he realised that there was an additional small black bag in his suitcase. Briefly stunned, he picked up the black bag and asked Yi Zhe, "You're not keeping this?"

Yi Zhe shook his head. He crouched down next to Xu Tangcheng and put the black bag back into the suitcase.

"You…" Yi Zhe first looked at the suitcase; then, after saying that one word, he shifted his gaze to Xu Tangcheng's face, "can take a look sometimes."

Xu Tangcheng understood his meaning at once: You must not forget me.

It appeared that his response at the club wasn't completely believed.

He smiled, then lowered his head and took the camera out. He pulled the zip on the suitcase close.

"I promise that I don't need the images to remind me. In here,"—Xu Tangcheng pointed at his head, then at his heart—"and here, I remember clearly. You should keep the camera, you…"

Xu Tangcheng wasn't afraid that Yi Zhe would forget him. He wasn't able to give Yi Zhe an ample sense of security but Yi Zhe had given him so much, too much.

Leaving the camera to Yi Zhe was because he worried that Yi Zhe would miss him too much, that it would be too difficult for him alone.

And also…

Xu Tangcheng's eyes flickered. Still worried, he looked up and reminded him, "When you miss me, remember to look at it."

As for how they were getting to the airport, they had discussed it last night and were in perfect agreement. They didn't get a cab and instead, left very early to get to Wudaokou to take the subway. Xu Tangcheng had never taken this route to the airport. He checked the route beforehand and at the manned counter, bought two tickets to Sanyuan Bridge.

Yi Zhe stood at the side. He saw Xu Tangcheng's hand skip over the ten yuan note in his wallet and take the fifty yuan note.

When he got the change, Xu Tangcheng didn't put it back into his wallet like he would in the past. Instead, he held it in his hand together with the ten yuan he had kept.

"Later…" Walking out of the line, he looked up and asked, "Later, how will you come back?"

Despite the pause in Xu Tangcheng's question, Yi Zhe still felt that it was too sudden. He pressed his lips together hard, then said, "Subway."

Hearing that, Xu Tangcheng nodded, then lowered his head and arranged the spare change in his hand. Yi Zhe waited for him at the side. He didn't expect Xu Tangcheng to suddenly stretch a hand out to him, like he wanted to put what he was holding in Yi Zhe's pocket.

This action immediately dragged the question of coming back properly into reality. All at once, Yi Zhe's heart hurt. Without thinking, he reached out to grasp Xu Tangcheng's wrist to stop him.

Xu Tangcheng returned his gaze, similarly silent. After remaining stiff for a few seconds, he finally explained amidst the bustling crowd. "Use it on your way back. You didn't bring your wallet."

There were too many people in the station. Yi Zhe only felt as though there were people passing non-stop before his eyes but even with his eyes open, he could not see even a single face clearly.

He still did not loosen his grip. Xu Tangcheng came a step forward; their clothes were practically touching.

"I'm afraid I'll forget to give it to you later." Xu Tangcheng covered Yi Zhe's hand with his own, giving it a tight squeeze followed by a couple of soft pats.

He put the money away for Yi Zhe, then rummaged around in his pocket to make sure that he had his house key with him. Then, Xu Tangcheng finally took his hand out and led him to walk forward.

It was near rush hour. Even though the train wasn't yet so full that they couldn't stand steady, there were also no empty seats. Fortunately, they only needed to ride a few stops on Line 13. Xu Tangcheng pulled Yi Zhe to go deeper into the train until they reached an empty spot to stand.

Line 13 was a little old but it was one of Beijing's rare overground subway routes. Yi Zhe's mind was empty and he looked at the scenery flashing past outside in a stupor. Xu Tangcheng tugged the zipper on Yi Zhe's down jacket with one hand, pulling it up and down, playing with it.

"Hey." When he saw Yi Zhe twisting his neck to look at who-knew-what, Xu Tangcheng couldn't resist talking to him. "Can't you look at me?"

Yi Zhe jolted. His lashes quivered and he turned his head back around.

"I'm afraid that if I look at you too much, I won't be able to let you go later."

A single line rendered Xu Tangcheng immobile.

Someone got off the train, leaving an empty seat. Yi Zhe gave Xu Tangcheng a light tug. "There's a seat, you should sit."

"No need, I won't sit." Xu Tangcheng very quickly turned his hand and pulled him to a stop, bringing him back to his side. "Standing here is pretty nice."

Xu Tangcheng didn't expect that changing lines at Zhichun Lu would involve such a long distance. They walked along the passageway, twisting and turning, going up and down five or six flights of stairs of varying heights. Every time Xu Tangcheng thought that they were nearly there, there would still be a very long path at the bottom of the stairs. What was scarier was that there wasn't a single escalator the entire way. At the bottom of a very long flight of stairs, Xu Tangcheng saw a pair of sweethearts. The girl was holding on to four large suitcases, waiting at the top while the guy was moving them one by one. Xu Tangcheng turned to look at himself and Yi Zhe; Yi Zhe was carrying Xu Tangcheng's small suitcase and didn't even put it down in the areas where he could drag it.

When they finally reached the last flight of stairs, more than halfway down, they saw the shadow of the train. Xu Tangcheng turned his head and said idly, "This line change can put up a fight against the line change to Line 13 at Xizhemen."

The corners of Yi Zhe's lips twitched. He turned to look at Xu Tangcheng. "It's pretty nice."

Pretty nice?

Xu Tangcheng stared blankly. Then, he understood.

It was a long distance to change lines. They could walk for a long time. It was indeed pretty nice.

But—he then thought—what about later? On the way back, the direction would be reversed. It probably… would not be such a long walk again to change lines.

When they reached the bottom of the stairs, the train at the platform was coincidentally closing its doors amidst a beeping sound. A man wearing a red jacket and carrying a backpack on his back was waving non-stop at the train. They went over to stand there; the man in red turned to leave. When Xu Tangcheng walked past him, he turned to look at the man's back.

The spot where the two of them were standing was near the front of the train. Perhaps because he hadn't slept well last night; when the train began moving at a very fast speed, the high velocity sent Xu Tangcheng into a trance. It was a little like that day when Yi Zhe had brought him to dive down that slope.

The train sped away, its tail with the red light whipping past. Xu Tangcheng's dizziness became more severe. He brought his hand up to hold onto Yi Zhe's arm, staring into the darkness, lost in thought. It was as though the two red tail lights had yet to leave, the light still shining on them.

"What's the matter?"

Yi Zhe lowered his head slightly to look at him, like he had in the past. Meanwhile, behind him, the man in red dug out his earphones from his pockets, put them on, then turned to leave.

More and more people arrived at the platform, talking, waiting.

In the center of that focused gaze, Xu Tangcheng suddenly recalled a song. In the past, he had only felt that it was well-written; now, he was really experiencing that situation and he finally understood the terror that truly existed in it.

"Making a pledge to give my life, I look back on the flourishing world. Every moment spent loving you, was like the subway train speeding past."^[1]

He thought, those people that did not run away on the eve of a separation were really worthy of admiration. They could all hold up against the overwhelming torrents when their loved one was standing right beside them.

They changed to the Airport Line and got off at Terminal 2, then walked a distance that wasn't short before reaching Terminal 1. This was something Xu Tangcheng had done on purpose when booking the flight. Terminal 1 was the smallest, and also the quietest.

Xu Tangcheng's suitcase was small and didn't even need to be checked in, so after they got his boarding pass, they looked around, suddenly at a loss for where to go. On the way there, they hadn't been in a rush, both of them wanting nothing more than to walk slower, even slower. And now, the security check was right before their eyes, the boarding time gradually approaching. They had nowhere else they could go, no more time to delay.

Xu Tangcheng looked at the time. Nine o' clock.

"Then…" He drew in a breath. "It's almost time, I should go in."

Yi Zhe didn't say anything. He nodded, dragging the suitcase along and following him to walk forward.

There weren't many people waiting at the security check. Xu Tangcheng took a glance; he basically wouldn't need to line up.

At the entrance, there was a sign that said: Visitors sending passengers off should stop here. Yi Zhe saw it and stopped walking. He looked at it with a placid expression.

When compared, the Chinese sign was gentler in tone. To Yi Zhe, the English sign drew a clearer dividing line, like it was unintentionally using an official communication to remind him that he and Xu Tangcheng would no longer be able to use "us" to refer to themselves for the time being. The English sign said: Passengers Only.

All these reminders that came one by one made him practically numb. He didn't even know where to start feeling sad.

Xu Tangcheng also noticed that sign. He tugged on Yi Zhe's arm, distracting him. Then, he opened his arms slightly and forced his lips to curve up a little. In a soft voice, he asked, "Shall we hug?"

"I still want to say one more time, you must take care of yourself and come back safely," Xu Tangcheng said, hugging Yi Zhe.

"Okay," Yi Zhe replied obediently.

"Dress warmly."

"Okay."

"Don't run around."

"Okay."

"Eat properly."

"Okay."

Xu Tangcheng said whatever he thought off, trivial and fussy, but no matter what it was, Yi Zhe agreed to them all.

Terminal 1 had low traffic. At a glance, most of the people there seemed to be on business trips or going on vacations. Hence, in the entire large hall, they were the only ones hugging each other, going through a very serious farewell.

What were the words that should be said when leaving someone?

In Yi Zhe's arms, Xu Tangcheng pondered.

"Yi Zhe."

After nagging at him until there was nothing left to nag about, Xu Tangcheng fell silent for a while. He bit his lip, then called out to Yi Zhe in a very soft voice.

"Hmm?" Yi Zhe's response was very quick, like it didn't have to go through his head.

Recalling the lost and helpless look on Yi Zhe's face just now when he saw the sign, Xu Tangcheng's throat turned hoarse.

He needed to speak properly. These were his last words.

He breathed in and out a few times, calming himself down again before asking, "Do you remember the way back?"

Yi Zhe rested on his shoulder. At first, he didn't say anything and it was only later that he let out a muffled sound, like he didn't understand what Xu Tangcheng was asking.

"Hmm?"

"Later on… from the front, go out the left side, that's the way we came… Follow the path and walk to Terminal 2. Then, take the escalator on the right to go down. Go down two floors and take the subway. First, buy the ticket to Sanyuan Bridge on the Airport Line, twenty-five yuan for a ticket. I put the money in your pocket just now. When you reach Sanyuan Bridge, change to Line 10. Take the subway to Zhichun Lu, then change to Line 13 and take the subway to Wudaokou. When you get out, you can take a cab or you can take the bus. If you don't think it's too long, you can also walk back." He restrained himself by force, saying those words in as calm a tone as he could, then tightened his arms and softly asked the person holding him. "Can you remember that?"

No "Wait for me," no "I will come back," no other emotionally-rousing words. The last words Xu Tangcheng left him was just the way home.

Yi Zhe didn't understand why Xu Tangcheng wanted to say that. It was just the way home, of course he remembered it.

Xu Tangcheng wound his way around the rows of barricades and passed the security check, all the while turning his head back repeatedly and waving at Yi Zhe. Yi Zhe remained standing where he was, looking at him, also waving at him non-stop. Only when he could no longer see Xu Tangcheng's profile no matter how he shifted right and left and craned his neck did he finally turn around.

And the instant he turned around, Yi Zhe understood Xu Tangcheng's farewell words.

Like all his strength and thoughts had suddenly been unloaded, Yi Zhe stood in the empty hall with no awareness of anything other than the ever increasing aching and swollen feeling in his eyes.

He took a couple of steps forward. He looked around him, lost, and realised that everything around him was somehow a blank expanse, unlike just now.

So it turned out…

...that he really didn't know where he should go, how to return home.

Xu Tangcheng's words came back to his mind. He looked at the floor in an immobile daze, staring vacantly for a long while.

Oh. Left hand side…. Terminal 2…

T/N:

[1] The song is 虎口脱险 ("Escape from Danger") sung by 老狼 (Lao Lang). The song was released in 2002, this is a 2016 performance of the song.