Yi Zhe stood outside the hotel. The traffic flow never eased up but even after a long while, he still didn't see a cab available for hire. The attendant came running to ask him if he needed help calling a cab. Yi Zhe shook his head and said thank you, then turned around and walked along the road.

He had a very good sense of direction but for some reason, even after coming here so many times, he only had a very faint impression of the roads in Shanghai. Standing at a crossroads, he spent a long while figuring out which direction to take to get to the train station. After circling that spot a couple of times, he gave up in the end and went over to the side to hail a cab.

There was no direct train from Shanghai to City C. As usual, Yi Zhe bought a ticket to Beijing. The earliest train was around six tomorrow morning. Yi Zhe stuffed the ticket and the change together into his pocket and found a place in the large hall to sit. The time after that was basically spent spacing out. Sometimes, he stared at the wheels of the suitcases rolling over the floor; other times, he seemed to be seeing nothing. The edges of the floor tiles, the pairs of legs walking by, there was nothing in his eyes and he also didn't know how time slipped by.

After midnight, Xu Tangcheng finally replied to his message. He said that he was charging his phone and hadn't seen Yi Zhe's message.

Yi Zhe held up his phone, reading this very ordinary row of words many times. Before he could reply, Xu Tangcheng sent another message, asking: Asleep yet?

The wailing of a child came from not far away. Yi Zhe lifted his head to look. His eyes flickered. In the end, he let the phone screen go dim.

A seat in the corner was vacated. Holding his phone, Yi Zhe got up and switched to sit there.

Six hours later, the train departed on time. Yi Zhe joined the long ticket inspection queue and for the last time, lifted his head to look at the LCD screen: Shanghai Hongqiao - Beijing North.

His seat was a window seat. As everything outside the window flitted past his unseeing eyes, Yi Zhe realised that he was actually no longer feeling those emotions he had last night. Shock, disappointment, discontent, sadness—it was as though they had completely disappeared from his life in that short six hours he spent waiting for the train. His heart was scarily calm, like he was just taking the bus, and this large metropolis had never had anything to do with him.

When he calmed down and thought about it, it wasn't as though Yi Yuanzhi and Yi Xun had never exposed their attitudes. There were a lot of times when they had not even concealed their indifference. It was just that Yi Zhe had always chosen to overlook it, had always deceived himself. Just like encountering a question he could not answer and getting trapped in the wrong line of thought, he kept feeling that he was only missing the final step to solve it but it was only when he saw the solution that he realised that he had been wrong from the very first step and would never reach the final step. When he reverse-engineered the solution, he also realised that the information given in the question could not be said to be unclear.

Ultimately, it was because he was dumb.

Furthermore, the solution was only available after handing in the exam paper. The time and energy he'd wasted trying to solve the question could not be retrieved, they were truly wasted.

All those years of working to maintain their relationship, all those times he missed them dearly—they were actually just his own wishful thinking in the wrong line of thought. How laughable it was.

Yi Zhe withdrew his gaze and drew the curtains.

Right on the dot at half past eight, he called Xu Tangcheng. The call very quickly connected. Xu Tangcheng's voice was rather low and hoarse, like he wasn't awake yet.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" Xu Tangcheng cleared his throat and asked.

After sitting for an entire night, a night where he hadn't made a single sound, Yi Zhe also coughed before his question could come out smoothly, "You haven't woken up yet?"

"Nope. Just woke up, don't wanna get out of bed yet."

Xu Tangcheng's words were slow, unhurried. Yi Zhe could imagine that Xu Tangcheng was probably tugging at his covers and turning over right now, lying on his right and holding the phone. As he listened, Yi Zhe subconsciously put his phone closer to his ear.

"What did Uncle and Auntie say yesterday?"

After asking, he waited nervously for the reply. Xu Tangcheng very quickly told him, "Nothing. Still the same."

If it was in the past, Yi Zhe might really believe Xu Tangcheng. He gripped his fist, a little unable to comprehend how he could have been so naive in the past.

"What are you doing?"

Xu Tangcheng very naturally led the conversation into another topic. Yi Zhe lowered his eyelids. He didn't speak.

At the side, there was a train attendant pushing the food cart past him, loudly announcing the snacks and beverages on offer. The last time Yi Zhe ate was that uncomfortable lunch yesterday. His stomach was rumbling and along with it came the discomfort from a long period of not eating.

The food cart stopped. A man on the other side bought two sausages and a packet of milk. While paying, a small hand suddenly reached out in the air. Yi Zhe didn't hear clearly what the little boy said but the father laughed and said, "And a pack of peanuts too."

A lot of times, what triggered fluctuations in a person's emotions weren't heartrending questioning or wailing or things like that; instead, it was the trivial and ordinary scenes of daily life.

Since last night, he had been overly calm. The pain that had accumulated bit by bit finally exploded at this moment. Yi Zhe clenched his teeth and turned his head away. All of a sudden, he had the thought that he had to wait for this train to reach Beijing, then change to the train from Beijing to City C, and even when he reached home, he would have to wait furtively at the bottom of the building for a while before he could see Xu Tangcheng.

He felt that this train was going too slow, way too slow. He wanted to hold him right now, at this moment when he had yet to get out of bed, when his eyes were still lidded and drowsy.

Yi Zhe closed his eyes and lowered his head. After a long while, he suddenly said softly into the phone. "I'm hungry."

"Hmm?" On the other end, Xu Tangcheng keenly sensed that there was something amiss with Yi Zhe and quickly asked, "What's wrong?"

Because his throat was very uselessly choked up now, Yi Zhe pressed his lips together tightly. For a moment, he didn't let out a sound.

"Yi Zhe," Xu Tangcheng called out to him. At this moment, his voice sounded completely awake and had a touch of urgency. Perhaps he could hear the sounds of the train through the phone; he asked, "Where are you?"

"On the train." His throat twitching, Yi Zhe repeated. "I'm on the train. I'll return to Beijing first, then to City C."

With the current state of things, he didn't dare act recklessly. He was afraid that his accidental appearance would make the situation worse. So, after saying that, he asked, "I want to go back and look for you, can I?"

"Yes." Xu Tangcheng didn't ask him why he was on the train back to Beijing a day earlier than planned. Knowing that Yi Zhe was safe and that he was safely coming back, his heart settled. "But coincidentally, I'm already in Beijing now."

Yi Zhe was stunned for the moment. "Hmm?"

"I'm at our home in Beijing. I came back yesterday," Xu Tangcheng said with a laugh. "Can you don't ask me why?"

Roughly guessing the reason, Yi Zhe strained to pull at the corners of his mouth. He lowered his head and said, "Okay."

"Have a safe journey," Xu Tangcheng said. "I'll wait for you to come home."

At noon, the train arrived at the station.

Yi Zhe followed the flow of humans to walk towards the station exit. He had just gone through the turnstile when there was a sudden ruckus beside him. Before he realised what was happening, a girl was pushed to the ground. She let out a shriek, then shouted, "He stole my purse!"

Yi Zhe only caught a glimpse of a fleeing figure cutting desperately through the ranks of people. With practically no hesitation, he took off in pursuit. The thief could really run; on a usual day, Yi Zhe would naturally have no fear but today, he was already not feeling well and he was also hungry to the point of having no energy. When he suddenly started running, his vision blacked out momentarily due to lack of oxygen. But who knew what kind of steely resolve his heart had made; after pushing through that spell of haziness and vision blackout, Yi Zhe was like a robot whose spring was tightly wound. He didn't say anything, he didn't shout; his senses numb, he only used all the strength in his body to fix his eyes tightly on the thief, clenched his teeth and pursued closely the whole time.

The thief turned back to look at him a couple of times. Perhaps he got angry from being chased, in the end, he swung the girl's purse to slam it at Yi Zhe. Yi Zhe instinctively turned his head to dodge but his ear was still scraped. He immediately felt pain.

The thief ran out of energy. Yi Zhe gave his all to speed up a few steps, reached out and pulled the person running in front of him into a stumble.

"The fuck is wrong with you!" The thief waved his arms, struggling desperately, and even took the chance to hit Yi Zhe's waist a couple of times with his arms. Yi Zhe's arm made a circle and caught the thief in a headlock, forcing him to bend backwards with his back on Yi Zhe's body.

When Yi Zhe came to a stop just now, his stomach was already churning and making him nauseous. With this person hitting him mercilessly a couple of times, the taste of blood in his throat became heavier. His body didn't feel well, so naturally his temper was no better. The captured person did not behave the whole time. Yi Zhe lost his patience and had just brought his leg up to teach him a lesson when he suddenly spied the police running over. He paused and put down his leg.

However, when he saw the police coming, the thief was not so calm. From getting ready to hit the thief to giving up on that idea, Yi Zhe was distracted for just two seconds, but he heard the sound of fabric ripping.

"Put down the knife!"

The young police officer running in front shouted out loud. Yi Zhe lowered his head and only then saw that his sleeve had been cut open.

His winter clothes were thick. This cut didn't injure his flesh, the damage was to the soft down that streamed out, scattering in the north wind like falling snow.

His jacket was torn.

A girl passing by cried out in alarm. Yi Zhe looked up in a fluster. Something seemed to have collapsed in his head, letting out a huge boom that shook him until his ears were ringing.

He had worn the first down jacket Xu Tangcheng gave him for a full three years. Later on, Xu Tangcheng said that the jacket was really too old already and insisted on buying him another one. The new one was also black in colour, also the mid-length version. But it was Yi Zhe's habit to insist on wearing this old one when he went on trips.

When it came to items with symbolic meaning, every person would have an attachment to them to a certain degree. What was more, to Yi Zhe, this jacket was not merely an article of faith, nor was it merely a mental support.

Xu Tangcheng was right, this down jacket was indeed very old now. The down was not firmly secured and once the layer outside was torn, large swathes of down were ripped out.

Yi Zhe was in a bit of a panic. He quickly raised his hand to cover the tear in his sleeve.

"Hello." At some point, a police officer had come to stand beside him. "We are very thankful to you. Is your arm injured? Do you need to go to the hospital to get it looked at?"

Yi Zhe panted for breath. After a long while, he finally understood what he was hearing. He couldn't be bothered to answer and just shook his head, then turned to leave.

"Hey, friend," the police officer called out to stop him. "I'm sorry but we'll still need to take up some of your time. You will have to follow us back to the police station to have your statement taken."

Police station…

Statement…

Yi Zhe tried to shake away those unhappy incidents in the past that were in his mind but no matter how he tried, his efforts were futile. He seemed to be again seeing that small room where not only the table was dusty, even the air was full of dust. He and Xu Tangcheng were sitting side by side. Xu Tangcheng didn't scold him, didn't blame him; he had only said that he was very worried, and had only asked him, "Do you want to apologise?"

Like a sudden bolt of lightning striking a ravine, when he recalled the past, Yi Zhe finally realised that the no he'd said then seemed to be the start of everything bad.

He was naive and foolish, and had mistaken recklessness for courage.

If Yi Yuanzhi's words yesterday night had let him understand that for so many years, he was only living in his own subjective idea of the so-called family love, then in this moment right now, he was coming to understand how he'd broken his word to Xu Tangcheng.

Since before they got together, he'd wanted to protect him but he'd basically failed to do so. He had no awareness of danger, he did not understand the real world, he could not see clearly other people's hearts. He was full of the courage to fight alone, yet completely out of place with reality.

Thinking of it now, most of the time, it was actually Xu Tangcheng who handled all sorts of troublesome matters, including the ones that he caused. It was also Xu Tangcheng who had always been planning for a future for them that could last longer and was more practical. And he even supported Yi Zhe's courage that was so out of place, without caring how much he had to sacrifice.

The police officer who was waiting for an answer didn't know why this guy standing before him suddenly looked like he was about to cry. He hurried to ask, "Friend, are you injured?"

His hand was completely out of strength. Yi Zhe could no longer cover the torn spot on his arm and let his arm fall dispiritedly.

A person's growth was very strange. In this situation that had nothing at all to do with growing up, where his beloved was not present, Yi Zhe suddenly understood the real world.

"I won't be going to give my statement," he said, taking a step back.

"This…"

The wind gathered into a wave that was crashing over them. With Yi Zhe's movement adding to it, the sight of the swirling "snow" that had ended just now returned in greater fervour. Yi Zhe watched helplessly as even more brightly white down poured out of the tear in his sleeve in lumps and bunches, as though they couldn't wait to leave him.

"Yi Zhe!"

All of a sudden, he heard a familiar voice. After a momentary shock, Yi Zhe turned his head, wanting to confirm if he was hearing things.

There were too many people standing there waiting to enter the station. The station opened a temporary ticket inspection entry point and before the announcement had finished playing for the first time, there was already a large group of people from the end of the queue running towards the window that very quickly had a queue forming in front of it.

His surroundings were a pandemonium but through the drifting white down, Yi Zhe saw clearly Xu Tangcheng looking at him.

He crossed the tides of humans, running towards him.

"What happened?" Xu Tangcheng was panting harshly. Before he finished speaking, he breathed in deeply, then exhaled.

A hand held the torn spot at his wrist, also covering the gap where the down was coming out.

"What happened? Hmm?"

Yi Zhe wanted to hug Xu Tangcheng, uncaring of anything else.

His hand that hung limp twitched, raising slightly in the air. The joints of his fingers curled into his palms, painfully.

The young police officer studied the two of them. Yi Zhe caught a glimpse of that, and his hand that was slowly coming up shrank back in cowardice, curling into a fist beside his leg.

He ended up having his statement taken. It took some time and by the time they reached home, it was three in the afternoon.

"Hungry?"

Xu Tangcheng applied medicine on the wound on Yi Zhe's ear, then turned to go into the kitchen to look for something to eat.

"Yi Zhe, why don't I make noodles for you?" Xu Tangcheng crouched in front of the fridge and found half a pack of noodles. "We have tomatoes and eggs. How many eggs do you want?"

Getting no answer even a long while after his question, Xu Tangcheng thought it strange and walked to the kitchen door. He peeked out and saw that Yi Zhe was still sitting where he was just now, staring in a stupor at the torn down jacket next to him.

"Yi Zhe." As he walked towards him, Xu Tangcheng called out again. But as before, Yi Zhe seemed to not hear him.

Xu Tangcheng didn't know why Yi Zhe had suddenly returned from Shanghai. At this moment, seeing Yi Zhe sitting there and staring blankly, he didn't have the heart to pursue the matter. All he felt was heartache.

He reached the sofa and bent down to pick up the down jacket. Yi Zhe's gaze followed the jacket to land on Xu Tangcheng.

"I've never used a thread and needle before…" Xu Tangcheng smoothed out the torn fabric with his fingers, trying to join together the spot that was ripped in two. "I'll give it a try later after we finish eating, and see if I can sew it up."

Yi Zhe had been staring at him but when Xu Tangcheng looked at him, Yi Zhe moved his eyes away, lowering his head to look at the floor.

"Mm."

Xu Tangcheng put down the jacket and moved a step. He stuck a hand in Yi Zhe's hair that had grown rather long now and in a laughing, lilting tone, he asked, "Tell me what's wrong, hmm?"

He usually wouldn't talk in this way. If he did, it was certainly to coax someone. His tone lilting, all his gentleness poured into his words, an effective weapon for coaxing that never failed to hit its target.

Despite that, Xu Tangcheng had actually only ever coaxed two people in this way: one was Xu Tangxi, the other was Yi Zhe.

Caressed repeatedly, Yi Zhe didn't immediately speak. Instead, he lifted his arm and grasped Xu Tangcheng's hand, slowly pulling it down. "Don't touch. It's not very clean."

By right, he should have showered yesterday.

Yi Zhe wiped his face with his other hand, then stood up suddenly. "I'll go shower first."

"No." Xu Tangcheng's hand turned and caught Yi Zhe, stopping him. "Your ear is injured. You shouldn't shower today."

"It's okay. I'll just shower. Yesterday night…" Yi Zhe's shoulders twitched but he said honestly in the end, "I spent yesterday night in the train station waiting area. I can't stand how it feels."

"You spent the whole night in the train station waiting area?" Hearing that, Xu Tangcheng immediately frowned.

"Yeah." Afraid that he would continue to ask, Yi Zhe wanted to leave right after answering.

Seeing how he was, Xu Tangcheng said mildly, "Just try and shake me off."

As he thought, the tension in Yi Zhe's hand immediately relaxed.

This vacation had not been very happy for either of them. Yesterday, Xu Tangcheng had returned to Beijing with the identity of an "exile" and hadn't slept much the whole night. Initially he had thought that he would have to be alone for a couple of days. He didn't think that he would see Yi Zhe today, who similarly ended his plans earlier than expected.

It was said that the fondness from a short separation was stronger than becoming newlyweds but it was hard to say whether this brought forward reunion was a happy or a sad one.

Xu Tangcheng looked at Yi Zhe quietly for a while. Then, he turned around on his own and folded the down jacket on the sofa neatly.

After just a few seconds, someone hugged him from behind. He was forced to straighten up and move closer to the person behind him.

"Are you angry?" Yi Zhe asked softly into his ear.

"No."

"Yesterday, I didn't know that you were already back. I was afraid you would be worried and I also didn't want to lie to you, so I didn't reply to you at night."

At the station just now, he'd held back the entire time, not daring to hug him. Then, when they came home, he felt that there was a strange smell on his body, resulting in this hug being delayed for too long. Yi Zhe held the other person tightly in his arms, and that feeling of having something weighing his heart down, like his heart couldn't beat no matter how hard he tried, was finally greatly relieved.

Xu Tangcheng paused, then let out a sigh. He turned his head to the side, Yi Zhe's shoulder falling right into his view.

"I know."

He was also afraid that Yi Zhe would worry, which was why he didn't tell him yesterday that he had returned to Beijing. It was just that this unexpected turn of events resulted in Yi Zhe spending a night alone in the station. It made Xu Tangcheng feel a little upset.

"All right, let's not talk now." Xu Tangcheng turned back around and touched the stubble on Yi Zhe's chin. "First, we eat. After eating, if you want to shower, I'll help you."

The pot of tomato and egg noodles looked pretty good when freshly cooked. The two of them broke out into a sweat as they finished a large bowl. Xu Tangcheng even included two poached eggs for Yi Zhe.

When showering, Xu Tangcheng dug out a disposable shower cap from somewhere and put it on Yi Zhe. He told Yi Zhe to first wash his body, then instructed him to bend over the sink and carefully helped him wash his hair.

After showering, the two of them switched off the lights in the apartment and hid in the bedroom where only a lamp was left on. Yi Zhe sat on the edge of the bed. Xu Tangcheng knelt behind him, slowly blow-drying his hair.

"You should get a haircut soon," Xu Tangcheng said.

Unlike his, Yi Zhe's hair was blacker and stiffer, especially the area at his neck where it was shaved short, resembling rows of little soldiers standing proudly with their heads lifted. Xu Tangcheng stroked his head for a while before saying, "Let's get our hair cut tomorrow. New Year's over… it can be considered a new year now."

When they got into bed, it was still early. Yi Zhe didn't switch off the lamp. He lay quietly on his side, looking at Xu Tangcheng. His staring made Xu Tangcheng want to laugh and he asked, "What are you up to?"

Based on Xu Tangcheng's understanding of Yi Zhe, if it was a usual day, Yi Zhe would say, "Nothing, I just want to look at you." But today, after a period of silence, Yi Zhe told him, "I suddenly realised that what Yu An said wasn't entirely wrong."

Xu Tangcheng's brows drew together slightly. "Why are you suddenly talking about him?"

Yi Zhe blinked and said, "I just feel that I'm very dumb."

"He said you're dumb?" Xu Tangcheng's voice rose. "You're not dumb, he's dumb."

Yi Zhe didn't agree, nor did he refute. Instead, he reached out to hold Xu Tangcheng, drawing close to kiss him. As they kissed, their positions changed. Xu Tangcheng pushed the person above him, his breathing messy. "Switch off the light."

For once, Yi Zhe didn't listen to Xu Tangcheng. His hand stroked Xu Tangcheng's back, then slowly slid down, following the line of the slightly protruding spine all the way down to the waist. Further down and it was that area that Xu Tangcheng had once never even let other people touch.

Yi Zhe's hand continued to move down. Xu Tangcheng's neck lifted. He closed his eyes.

"Tangcheng-ge," Yi Zhe suddenly called out.

Xu Tangcheng was a little startled. Thinking back on it, Yi Zhe rarely called him "Tangcheng-ge" now.

The light before his eyes suddenly disappeared. Everything was dark.

Xu Tangcheng let out a low moan and clutched one of Yi Zhe's arms. He was just about to ask why Yi Zhe wasn't even giving a warning when he heard him call out in a voice that seemed to be wrapped in the softest and coolest silk.

"Tangcheng."

This way of addressing him was even more unfamiliar and at the sound of it, Xu Tangcheng even forgot to respond.

"I will change."

After saying that, Yi Zhe began moving. Xu Tangcheng never managed to ask, "Change what?"