No matter how unexpected it was to Yi Zhe or how unwilling Xu Tangcheng was, the needle had already gone right in. Yi Zhe was uneasy watching it and kept peeking cautiously at the person on the bed. But he saw that after the injection, Xu Tangcheng's eyelids dropped and did not lift again.
"Tangcheng-ge…" he called out. Then, he said, "The doctor said that you must get an injection. After the injection, you'll be a lot better."
Yi Zhe crouched down while he spoke, moving closer to be right in front of Xu Tangcheng. His voice was very soft, so soft that he seemed to be coaxing the other person. Failing to do as Xu Tangcheng asked, failing to stand on his side—even though his request had been unreasonable in the first place, Yi Zhe still felt guilty when he explained.
He couldn't tell if the person on the bed had heard him or not. In any case, those eyes remained closed, ignoring him.
"I was wrong…"
Right then, the nurse again pushed the door open and entered, interrupting his strained and stammered repentance. On the trolley were the items required for an intravenous drip and they looked much more of a grand sight than the items just now.
Yi Zhe felt that even his heart was aching. Xu Tangcheng was already in that state from one injection, how was he going to handle a drip?
"You should go get a blanket for him." The nurse had no sympathy for his worries, her hands preparing the drip with ease of practice. Her eyes lowered, she said, "Together with the nutrient drip, it'll take a long time."
Having a concrete task to do let Yi Zhe immediately throw aside the mass of painful thoughts in his mind. He straightened up, made a noise in response and walked out. But after going out the door, he turned back.
"May I know… where I should go to get the blanket?"
The nurse didn't even look up. "Go out the door, turn right, walk to the end, turn left, on your right, all the way at the end, second room."
Yi Zhe silently repeated this tongue twister-like line, memorising it. He was just about to move his legs to go when he noticed that while he was wasting time, the nurse had already prepared the I.V. fluids and was opening the packaging on the apparatus. The black-coloured shaft of the needle could be seen, glinting with a cold light. Yi Zhe looked at it, then glanced at Xu Tangcheng and quickly said to the nurse, "Wait for me to come back before jabbing him."
The nurse didn't expect this tall and broad guy to be fussy. She turned around and saw his overly grave expression, and for a moment, felt rather like laughing. "All right, all right, hurry up and go."
He very quickly paid the deposit and took a blanket.
Even though the hospital's blanket should theoretically have been disinfected, Yi Zhe still smelled a rather unpleasant smell on it. The surface of the blanket was yellowing from age and it also didn't look very clean. Thinking of how Xu Tangcheng would even carefully wipe the table surface in front of him when eating at restaurants, and also how he had purposely lent Yi Zhe his own bed sheets when school just started, Yi Zhe pulled higher the down jacket covering Xu Tangcheng before covering him with the blanket only up to his chest.
Throughout the entire process, Xu Tangcheng had opened his eyes but he did not look at Yi Zhe. He only dropped his eyes and sniffed at the black down jacket that was covering him up to his chin.
Yi Zhe had thought that he would have to offend this person another time when the drip was administered but unexpectedly, this time, Xu Tangcheng didn't make any fuss at all and was very cooperative from start to end. When the nurse said to grip his fist, he obediently curled his fingers in.
Yi Zhe let out a relieved breath. He stood at the side and watched the nurse push the needle in.
"Your veins are very thin." The nurse smacked the back of Xu Tangcheng's hand lightly as she spoke.
Because of that line, Yi Zhe craned his neck even further to look at Xu Tangcheng's hand. Xu Tangcheng's skin was fair in the first place and right now, the back of his hand appeared bloodless, terrifyingly pale.
He had been perfectly fine, how did he become like this?
Just by looking at the back of his hand, Yi Zhe's heart squeezed in pain. He felt that the person he had treasured in his heart all this while was, for no reason, suffering a torment and a misfortune that he shouldn't have had to at all.
Before leaving, the nurse instructed him to keep a close watch, to be careful not to let the needle shift, and to call her when the I.V. bag was nearly empty. Even though she sounded like she was reciting a standard set of instructions, Yi Zhe still nodded repeatedly. He solemnly took note of her words and after that, sat on the little stool beside the bed with his body bent, keeping watch without looking away.
The temperature in the room was on the low side the whole time. The window could not be shut tightly, a bit of wind leaked in. Yi Zhe got up and tucked the jacket and the blanket tighter around Xu Tangcheng.
Right now, he was no longer as flustered and directionless as he had been before. After all, Xu Tangcheng was already lying down and receiving treatment, and no longer looked like he was suffering from unbearable pain. Yi Zhe also believed that as long as he took good care of him, Xu Tangcheng would recover very quickly and would again be his healthy self.
As long as he took good care of him.
His emotions had clearly just managed to settle down but when he thought of that, his spirits suddenly plunged. That feeling of terror also came back stronger than ever, like it had never left.
He watched the clear fluid drip into that person's body through the thin tube fixed to the back of his hand, drop by drop. Suddenly, he recalled that when the needle pierced the vein, the nurse had pinched the I.V. apparatus and a little bit of blood had flowed out.
A very dark red, flowing out through the tube, then back into the person's body.
That colour was not unfamiliar to Yi Zhe. After all, he had been in so many fights and had seen blood so many times. But it was truly the first time the colour made him tremble in fear.
At that moment, his fear from earlier events was so strong that even his hands were shaking and for a split second, he even thought, what if he hadn't received that call? What if he happened to be not at school, not by his side? How would he make it to the hospital?
Many thoughts ran through his mind, all false premises that had already been refuted by reality. But when he calmed down now, he feared that one day, all these scenes that he had labeled as what-ifs would become true.
When he thought of that, he dared not think further.
Outside the temporary ward, there were always patients and nurses walking to and fro. Amidst all this noise, Xu Tangcheng seemed unable to sleep peacefully, his head turning or his body shifting every now and then. Whenever it happened, Yi Zhe would gently hold his hand, carefully guarding the spot where the needle entered, and also being careful not to wake him up. Meanwhile, even when his body was making minute movements, Xu Tangcheng maintained the most comfortable posture almost the entire time—body slightly curled in, chin covered by collar of the black down jacket, only half his face exposed.
It was a rare chance for Yi Zhe to watch over him quietly like this and so, just like him, he remained unmoving from start to end. Only when his body was stiff would he move around a little to adjust.
Xu Tangcheng continued to drowse until the first round of I.V. fluid had gone down by more than half and the door to the ward was pushed open. Two nurses pushed a girl in. The noise while the doctor was giving her a checkup and prescribing her treatment was very loud, causing Xu Tangcheng to slowly open his eyes.
Yi Zhe immediately stood up and leaned towards him.
"Do you feel unwell?" he quickly asked.
Xu Tangcheng blinked, seeming to take a while to respond. It was only then that Yi Zhe noticed that his lips were already so dry that they seemed to be stuck together. He was clearly moving his jaw and wanting to speak but couldn't even part his lips.
"I'll get some water for you." After saying that, Yi Zhe suddenly remembered the doctor saying just now that Xu Tangcheng could not eat or drink now.
"Don't let him drink. If he drinks now, he'll want to vomit. Go get some warm water, dip a cotton swab in it and brush his lips."
It was the nurse who had poked the needle into Xu Tangcheng just now. Yi Zhe turned to look at her and after blanking out for half a beat, he asked, "Where do I go to get them?"
After half a day at the hospital, the questions he asked the most were where was this or that item, and how to do this or that thing. It seemed like it should be common sense but when it came to him, without any exceptions, they were all complete blanks to him.
"Go to…" The nurse had already thrusted her hands into her pockets, ready to leave, but when she saw the awkward expression on the face of this guy who had been overly tense right from the very beginning, she changed her words and said, "Wait a while, I'll bring them to you."
Yi Zhe didn't expect to get this response. He quickly said thank you and finding it insufficient, he even bowed to her.
The nurse let out a laugh, feeling that the boy in front of her was really very sincere. Regardless of whether he was worrying or showing gratitude, he was completely honest. She had worked at the hospital for a few years and had met all kind of people, but when she passed a glass of warm water and two cotton swabs to Yi Zhe, she thought that a teenager who was still inexperienced in the ways of the world and had yet to completely grow up should be exactly like this. He still didn't quite know how to take care of another person, still didn't quite know how to handle sudden events, but he was steadier than anyone else and also more willing to learn.
In the ward that was once again quiet, Yi Zhe brushed Xu Tangcheng's lips. Those lips had just been moistened a little when he heard the girl in the next bed say, "My hands are cold."
The girl in the next bed was also on a drip. The one accompanying her should be her mother. Hearing her say that she was cold, the auntie got up and gave her a couple of reminders before going out. A short while later, she came back with a hot water bottle in her hands that she pressed lightly around the girl's wrist, again and again.
Yi Zhe turned his head and watched thoughtfully.
He wedged the cotton swabs between the fingers of his left hand for the time being and reached out a finger to carefully touch the back of Xu Tangcheng's exposed hand. The area where the I.V. fluid was flowing through was indeed very cold.
After wavering for a while, Yi Zhe put down the things in his hand and sat back on the little stool. He covered the upper half of the back of Xu Tangcheng's hand with his own. The medical tape separated them a very tiny bit but he could just nicely hold the part that was cold due to the drip. Of course, he dared not press down with strength; he only hovered, letting his palm softly touch the back of that hand.
It seemed to be working. Yi Zhe could feel the skin he was covering seem to become warmer.
After warming up Xu Tangcheng's hand for a while, his own palm turned a little cold. He pressed his hands together and rubbed them together vigorously. When they were warm, he again covered that hand.
Slowly, in the ward that had quieted down, there was only the sound of hands being rubbed together. The auntie at the side noticed his actions and couldn't help telling him that the hot water bottle could be bought at a shop near the hospital entrance, and that it was very near, just outside of the building.
Yi Zhe shook his head.
He was the only person there accompanying Xu Tangcheng and Xu Tangcheng was also unconscious, sleeping. He could not leave him here to go buy a hot water bottle, even if it would only take a short while.
The last I.V. bag had potassium added to it. The nurse said that if the drip was fast, Xu Tangcheng's hand would hurt so she decreased the speed. Thus, by the time the drip was done, it was already past ten at night.
The nurse removed the needle for Xu Tangcheng. When she opened the door to leave, a sharp wailing sound burst into the room, giving everyone inside a fright.
Xu Tangcheng was still asleep. Pressing down on the spot where the needle had entered his hand, Yi Zhe frowned and turned to see what was going on outside.
The mother from the next bed had gotten up a step ahead of him to close the door. From the little window on the door, she saw a woman sitting on the corridor floor and sobbing, her face covered in blood.
The girl on the next bed was woken up by the noise. In a very soft voice, she asked her mother what was happening. The mother patted her forehead, comforting her gently, saying that it seemed to be a car accident.
For a moment, Yi Zhe's thoughts were rather disassociated from him. This was clearly just a very ordinary conversation in a hospital ward, a very ordinary scene, yet it gave him an immense sense of unfamiliarity.
Unfamiliarity. The entire day had been like that.
In the past, he was used to locking himself up in a very small world. Whether he was happy or unhappy, he was the only one there. There was no second person, so nothing unexpected would happen. He wouldn't not know where to go to see a doctor, not know where to go to get a blanket, not know where to go to get a glass and fill it with warm water.
The him living in that way would also never be the way he was now: being in a hospital ward, everyone keeping watch over the treasure of their heart in the ward, and someone gently explaining something that had nothing to do with him.
He stared at the tightly shut door for a while, blinked, then slowly turned around.
He had once lived in his own world, and had also once lived in a world where there was only himself and him.
But now, it was neither.
To him, Xu Tangcheng was no longer merely a solitary treasure that he had pulled into his own world. Being at a loss for what to do was a situation that would only happen in the confluence of his world and the outside world. When he worried over a person, he would worry about everything bad, and he hoped that they would never ever happen to that person.
Because of him, he was experiencing many first-times; and also because of him, he was truly coming into contact with this world.
The campus, the student council, and also the hospital—they had all been so.
The mother said that she wanted to get some hot water for her daughter. Before opening the door, she checked that there was no longer any ruckus outside before leaving a word and going out.
Yi Zhe was still pressing on the medical tape with his hand. He held Xu Tangcheng's hand and looked closely, and realised that Xu Tangcheng was really very thin. The greenish-blue lines of his veins could be clearly seen on the back of his hand, slightly protruding, pushing against the pale skin.
He put both thumbs together in the center of the medical tape. Then, massaging lightly, he gently moved them to both sides. When he brushed against the edges, his fingers went from the tape to the slightly chilly skin.
He maintained this posture, still and unmoving, and stared blankly for a long while. And during this time, he recalled practically every single thing related to Xu Tangcheng that was in his memories, from their first meeting all the way until now.
He didn't know if it was the same for other people but his memories starting from a very long time ago were very fragmentary, very jumbled, like they were individual stray pieces without any order to them that sometimes remained in his mind. Perhaps it was because when he was a child, he'd lived in a family where a one-sided war could erupt at any moment. Most of the time, when he'd gotten through the days, it was purely getting through, nothing more than a change in the number on the calendar, and nothing remained from them.
Xu Tangcheng alone was different, from the very beginning.
When his younger brother was just born, they moved there. At that time, he was still in preschool. The first time he met Xu Tangcheng, Xu Tangcheng was wearing the blue uniform of the primary school, a school tag with a green background hanging over his chest.
They were all meeting for the first time. Out of the few children there, Xu Tangcheng was the only one who obediently raised his head and said to Yi Zhe's own father, "Hello, Uncle."
At that time, Yi Zhe kept staring at the school tag that was in front of the older boy's chest. There was an inch sized photo on it with a red background. There were also a few columns of words beside it but he couldn't read them. Xu Tangcheng moved every now and then, and that school tag swung left and right. Yi Zhe wasn't aware that his own head was also swaying along with it.
It was only when a hand grabbed hold of the school tag that he looked up, and coincidentally saw him bend down and smile at him.
Just like in the photo on the school tag.
It was strange. He'd been so young then but he already determined that among all the people he'd met, this person had the nicest smile.
In the many following years, not only did this conclusion not change, he even added a lot more labels to the name "Xu Tangcheng".
Best at talking to people, most good-looking in white clothes, most good-looking when cycling. And the most secret, the most precious, the one that belonged to him alone: the person who was the nicest to Yi Zhe.
In his dull and fragmentary memories, the darkness and the blank spaces half-concealed the stray pieces that came in all grotesque shapes and colours. In that swelling and ebbing ocean, only matters related to that person linked together to form a line. And following this line, he had also grown up.
Slowly—Yi Zhe himself didn't know when it started—Xu Tangcheng became his perception of this world.
The judgement of whether something was good or bad, the marks left by the passage of time, and even…
His feelings.
Yi Zhe lifted his head and looked at the person on the bed.
He had always had those feelings but how they had begun to change, at what point they had begun to change, he really couldn't be sure.
He remembered that a teacher had once said something about this in a psychology class. The general meaning was: Among the feelings that come purely from emotions, friendship is the most stable type, surpassing romantic love, surpassing merely having a good impression. Even if you and your good friend have not met each other for a long time, when you meet again, you can turn the way the two of you interact back to the way it was before your separation between zero to twenty minutes' time. You have many friends but in most circumstances, you will only have one romantic partner. Having doubts, desiring to monopolise, backing down, comparing each other's love—all these thoughts and actions will weaken in a friendship. Many people would not have a love that lasts until death, but would have many friends accompanying them for their entire lives.
In an entire semester of psychology classes, this was the only snippet he'd listened to seriously. At first, he had not thought much of it after hearing it and had felt that the two were not at all comparable. But the teacher's last joking line gave him a sharp shock.
The teacher had asked everyone, "In a way, doesn't this explain why people always say you shouldn't 'cheat a friend'?"
His schoolmates sitting below had all laughed and whispered to one another. The teacher continued to say that what was interesting was that the moment the feelings between a pair of friends exceeded friendship but only one side had that intention, the friendship had a ninety percent chance of entering a dangerous phase. For it to cross this dangerous phase and continue to survive, either at least one of them must have very high E.Q. or at least one of them must have very low E.Q. Otherwise, when the single-layer paper screen between them was illuminated, they would be separated by thousands and tens of thousands more layers.
Yi Zhe happened to meet the teacher's eyes at that moment. He thought that he must have looked very lost at that time, that was why the teacher had looked fixedly at him for a while.
In those few empty seconds in the classroom, no one knew what kind of unending despair he went through.
Pulling his thoughts back to the present, Yi Zhe lowered his head and smiled.
That was why, the words that could not be spoken must be stifled in his heart forever.
At this moment, the ward was unusually quiet. The mother who had gone out to get water wasn't back yet. Yi Zhe turned to look and saw that the girl also had her eyes closed.
The walls of the ward were all white. Speaking of which, it was strange; white was probably the colour that was assigned the most sentiments. Hospitals. Weddings. Funerals. Joy or sorrow, hope or despair, the colour somehow wound its way through a person's entire life. It was almost as though, when in a place surrounded by white, every little thing—even those that could not be spoken of, the greed and desire that should be buried and hidden—could be allowed to be frank and honest with this world.
Yi Zhe held Xu Tangcheng's hand. He lowered his head, and also lowered his gaze.
Allowing his feelings to change in a way they should not have was his mistake.
In the future, this would no longer happen. He would forever retain those thoughts he had on his way here, he would stay quiet and secure by his side, so that when he was sick or when he was unhappy, he would always be able to call his number at the first moment without any hesitation in his heart.
A soft kiss landed on the smallest finger.
From then on, they would walk their own paths.
After a very long pause, Yi Zhe finally lifted his head.
He put Xu Tangcheng's hand back on the bed and carefully covered it well.
After doing all this, a feeling of hopelessness and misery finally emerged. His hands joined together and pressed against his forehead. He buried his head in his hands for a long while before finally calming down a little. He didn't know if it was because he hadn't had a bite of food or a drop of water the whole day, or if it was because he had just forcibly ripped off a part of his feelings that had existed for a long time, but his legs were starting to go numb and the feeling was even climbing up his spine all the way to his scalp. He pressed his arms against his thighs to stand up, planning to go wash his face with cold water.
But unexpectedly, amidst the dizziness caused by standing up too suddenly, he locked eyes with someone.
At some point, the girl in the next bed had woken up and was staring at him in a daze.
Yi Zhe didn't make a sound. He lowered his head, steadied himself, and walked out with soft, quiet steps.
Even when the door closed, it didn't emit a single sound.
The girl stared at the direction where the guy had left. After a long while, like she was waking up from a dream, she sighed. She didn't know what was the story between the two people at the next bed but a kiss like that gave her too many guesses.
Startled by that scene just now, she suddenly wanted to take another look at the person who was lying down peacefully the whole time.
When she turned her head and looked over, she realised in surprise that the person who had been sleeping the whole time had actually woken up earlier at some point and was holding up the hand that had a medical tape on it and spacing out.
The guy on the bed seemed to feel her gaze. His head turned slightly in her direction.
This was the first time she was seeing his face properly.
Pale and wan, without much of an expression.
He only gave her a glance, then turned his eyes towards the door. After a short while, he put his hand back under the blanket and closed his eyes again.
As though nothing had happened.
Every story had an ending but for many of them, it was not an ending that was grand, magnificent, full of happiness, perfect.
There was a sudden ache in her heart, a dull pain. Because in that instant when their eyes met just now, she had clearly seen that the tall and silent guy's eyes were reddened.