That night, Xu Tangcheng drank quite a lot. Yi Zhe wanted to help him fend off some of the drinks at the dinner table but Xu Tangcheng did not allow him to at all. He downed glass after glass, refusing no one, as though he was not the one with a low alcohol tolerance. But when they were at the KTV and other people passed him drinks, Xu Tangcheng refused to drink anymore no matter what they said. Yu An coaxed him jokingly and Xu Tangcheng pulled Yi Zhe over, passing it to him.
"He'll drink for me."
When he said that, Yi Zhe naturally reached out to take the cup. However, Yu An immediately moved his own hand away and didn't let Yi Zhe touch the glass. "I'm drinking with you, he can't take your place, can he?"
A sober Xu Tangcheng probably wouldn't make the birthday boy lose face in this situation. But Yi Zhe was very thankful that Xu Tangcheng was not sober right now. He lowered his eyes, waiting for Xu Tangcheng to speak again, but an arm suddenly hooked around his neck, forcing him to bend slightly at the waist and move closer to the person beside him.
"He can." Xu Tangcheng had a bleary smile on his face. The hand on Yi Zhe's shoulder even came up to rub his ear a couple of times.
Yi Zhe noticed that Xu Tangcheng became handsy the moment he was drunk. The same thing happened the last time; Yi Zhe remembered that Xu Tangcheng had kept pinching his neck and playing with it.
No matter what Yu An said, Xu Tangcheng's answer was always, "He can." Hence, this cup of alcohol still ended up in Yi Zhe's stomach.
But after Yi Zhe drank, Yu An didn't move. He kept watching Xu Tangcheng and after a while, he finally turned his head and gave Yi Zhe an inscrutable smile. "Do I need to drink?"
Yi Zhe couldn't be bothered to pay him any attention so he looked up and said, "Up to you."
Since the first time he met Yu An, Yi Zhe did not like him. There were two reasons: the first one was that he noticed Yu An was always staring at Xu Tangcheng, the second one was that he noticed Yu An was always staring at Yi Zhe himself for unknown reasons. It was the same now; Yu An shifted his body and stared at him with a smile that was not quite a smile, then suddenly asked, "Why have I never heard you call me 'senior' or 'ge'?"
Yi Zhe never thought that Yu An would suddenly direct a barb at him. He didn't know how to answer and also didn't plan to answer at all. He forced out a mm; it was the greatest show of courtesy he could give Yu An in consideration of the fact that it was Yu An's day.
Yu An was not upset and only let out a chuckle. Then, he patted Xu Tangcheng's knee and said to the person who was toying with somebody else's ear the whole time, "This younger brother of yours has quite a personality."
The alcohol that should have been drunk was taken back by Yu An untouched but whenever someone else wanted to drink with Xu Tangcheng, he would stop them and say that Xu Tangcheng had drunk too much already.
No one came to bother them anymore. Xu Tangcheng seemed to have quieted down completely. He didn't pick any songs, nor did he take the mic; he just sat beside Yi Zhe the whole time, his back resting against the sofa. No movements, no sounds. There were even quite a few times when Yi Zhe thought that the person beside him had fallen asleep.
But when he turned his head to look, he saw that the other person had his eyes open the entire time, the scenes flashing past on the large screen leaving their mark in those eyes. Yi Zhe only shot him a fleeting glance every time before hastily turning his head back again.
At first he thought that if Xu Tangcheng got drunk, he would take him away earlier to sleep. But the person beside him remained like this, not making any fuss, and also didn't seem to have any intentions of leaving. So, Yi Zhe started to guess that perhaps Xu Tangcheng's alcohol tolerance was better than he expected.
A weight fell on his shoulder. Soft hair brushed against his neck.
When he realised what had happened, Yi Zhe's heart blanked out. And after that, a bitter ache surged like a torrent.
He was resting his head on his shoulder, so close it was like he was depending on him.
There were quite a number of people there who could sing. The atmosphere in the private room was warm and full of enthusiasm, no one one held back on their cheering and encouragement. Amidst the clamour, Yi Zhe only felt as though there were various drum beats beating all over his body, the flickering lights dazzling his eyes, the feeling of disarray that didn't seem real all the more stronger under the illumination.
He must be really drunk now.
He had never thought that there could still be this kind of unguarded interaction between him and Xu Tangcheng. Even if the reason for this situation was only because Xu Tangcheng had drank too much and had forgotten some inopportune matters as a result, Yi Zhe still felt like he had suddenly been given a present, like an unrealistic dream of his had been fulfilled.
Meanwhile, Xu Tangcheng remained silent the whole time. He also didn't move anymore, like this was a gesture that made him feel very comfortable and couldn't be anymore natural.
It was only when the opening beats of a song played on guitar sounded in the midst of the intense clamour that the head on his shoulder suddenly rubbed against him and Yi Zhe felt a warm breath ghosting over his skin, tickling his neck.
"Have you heard this song before?"
Yi Zhe lifted his eyes that had been lowered the whole time and looked to the front.
The colours on the screen couldn't be said to be radiant and gorgeous, but it was very clean. A man walked by the sea, wearing a black suit that wasn't very formal.
He shook his head. "No, I've not."
Xu Tangcheng seemed to lift his head just now but after Yi Zhe finished speaking, he felt Xu Tangcheng again shift back to his original position. He was probably continuing to watch the screen.
He didn't say anything anymore. Because of this sudden question from Xu Tangcheng, Yi Zhe paid attention to the song. Lu Ming sang very well but what drew more of his attention was every single line of the lyrics. The wording was obviously not very fancy, yet it seemed to express the depths of a person's heart in a simple and unadorned way.
The music in the private room was very loud, so loud that Yi Zhe couldn't even hear his own voice clearly. But when Lu Ming finished singing the first part and the interlude came to an end, Yi Zhe very clearly heard another voice singing the same song.
Xu Tangcheng wasn't holding a mic and that tiny sound was overwhelmed by the surrounding noise from start to end, but because it was right beside Yi Zhe's ear, he was the only person in the place who could hear it.
Just like he was whispering to him.
This scene could not be anymore precious to Yi Zhe. He really wanted to turn his head to look at the other person, but was also afraid that he would startle and wake up, then stop singing. Hence, Yi Zhe didn't dare move and carefully maintained the same position the entire time, eyes fixed on the screen.
In the sound of heavy rain, the accompaniment came to a stop. There was the sudden reverberation of a cello, deep and low, just like those feelings that should have come to an end yet could not be ripped out of his heart no matter how he tried.
Yi Zhe listened in a daze. When the sound of the cello ended, he heard Xu Tangcheng sing. "In the past, in the past, there was someone who loved you for so long."
Because of this one line, those feelings that had been forcibly suppressed began to stir restlessly, madly. Right as Yi Zhe thought he was going to lose control of his emotions, he suddenly felt a slight chill on the back of his hand—the temperature of Xu Tangcheng's hand had always been on the cold side; even in a room with heating, his fingertips were chilly.
Lights of all kinds shone unceasingly on that pair of overlapping hands. Yi Zhe was in a trance; he couldn't really understand why something like this could appear in real life.
As though to tell him that this wasn't a dream, Xu Tangcheng's index finger moved a little, very light movements, hooking around his little finger.
There was no stopping the emotions in his heart now.
Yi Zhe brought his right hand up to rub his eyes, trying his best to steady himself, to calm down. But in the instant that he lowered his head slightly, Xu Tangcheng was also lifting his head to look at him.
The cello's last note petered out at that very instant, like an ending, like a closing. And amidst the cheering all around them, their eyes met, their gazes winding around each other, entangling together.
Xu Tangcheng only just realised—after Lu Ming finished singing the first part—that when you like someone, you would be able to find that person's shadow in every love song. He had heard Sunny Day so many times in the past, but never once had it been like it was now: a swollen feeling in his eyes, an ache but also a sweetness in his heart.
He thought of the time when he was ill; Yi Zhe had skipped class to bring him to the hospital. He thought of that summer day when Yi Zhe was in Year 3 of senior high; he had waited in the gloomy, heavy downpour for Yi Zhe and when he turned around, he saw the drenched teenager who had left and returned.
Without an umbrella, looking at him from behind a curtain of rain.
Thinking of it now, this young man had been totally incapable of concealing his own feelings well.
Xu Tangcheng was suddenly aware of how slow he was. There had clearly been so many occasions when Yi Zhe's eyes were telling him something. And those occasions were undeniably engraved deep in his memories, his heart had obviously been moved, yet he had never figured out the reason why those occasions were engraved deeply in his memories and had also never tried to find out why on earth that pair of eyes could make his own heart rise and fall along with them.
In actual fact, he still did not know when Yi Zhe began to have such deep feelings for him. All he knew was that when he traced memories into the past, he could actually see clearly the waves in the depths of those eyes in many of the occasions that came to mind.
Now that he understood what he was seeing, he realised that it wasn't that his heart had never been affected.
Just like during New Year's back in that year, when Yi Zhe had cycled to the train station to pick him up. In other people's eyes, what they saw was a younger brother who had suddenly appeared, but what Xu Tangcheng saw was his own self that existed in those eyes.
The wind was cold, the surroundings noisy. But in his eyes was a narrow and quiet world, steadily containing one person.
It turned out that the pride tinged with sweetness he had felt then was his heart being very gently moved.
The love song was still going on but Xu Tangcheng said to Yi Zhe with a smile, "Let's go."
Just like that night with the lightly falling snow, when they came out of the KTV place, Xu Tangcheng draped himself over Yi Zhe. Even when they were checking in at the hotel, Xu Tangcheng kept one arm on Yi Zhe's waist, leaning against him to keep himself standing.
There were pens prepared for guests on the counter, tied to the pen holders with string. After Yi Zhe finished signing his name, Xu Tangcheng took the pen and spun it in his hand, playing with it. But because the string was in the way, the pen could only spin over half a circle before it was pulled to a stop, and it would then shudder a couple of times before falling miserably onto the marble countertop. He kept failing to spin it, yet he still tried very patiently. It was only when the receptionist handed the room card to Yi Zhe that Yi Zhe finally held Xu Tangcheng's hand to stop him and tried to tug the pen out.
But Xu Tangcheng refused to let go. He gripped the pen with all his might and looked at Yi Zhe.
Yi Zhe explained to him patiently in a soft voice, "There's a string tied to the pen, it can't spin well."
Afraid that Xu Tangcheng wouldn't understand, he also tugged at the string to show him.
Upon hearing that, Xu Tangcheng seemed to consider it for a while. Then, as before, he insisted on spinning the pen and again repeated his previous failed attempts. Yi Zhe had no choice but to tug on the other end of the stretchable string and hold it high so that the string had a lot of slack, enough to let Xu Tangcheng spin the pen for one complete circle.
"Go on."
Xu Tangcheng held the pen with three fingers. His fourth finger propped it up slightly, then his middle finger exerted strength and his index finger moved out of the way. The black-coloured pen spun a circle around his thumb.
"All right," Yi Zhe said. "You did it."
Xu Tangcheng's reaction was a little sluggish. After a couple of seconds, he finally smiled. Yi Zhe lifted the corners of his mouth. Now he pulled the pen away and inserted it back in the holder.
When they left, they could still hear the two ladies at the reception counter laughing softly. Xu Tangcheng turned his head to see, then asked Yi Zhe in puzzlement, "What are they laughing at?"
Looking at his furrowed brows and half-closed eyes, Yi Zhe lifted a hand to press the button for the elevator, then said, "I don't know."
Xu Tangcheng didn't speak anymore but when the elevator door opened with a ding, he suddenly squeezed his fingers into the gaps between Yi Zhe's fingers.
Ten fingers intertwined, stunning Yi Zhe at once. By the time he realised what was going on, he had already been pulled by Xu Tangcheng into the elevator.
The elevator moved upwards. He should be feeling heavier than he actually was but against the laws of physics, Yi Zhe felt a sense of weightlessness, like there was soft fluff under his feet. He watched as Xu Tangcheng pulled at his hand and brought it up against his chest.
The heartbeat transmitted to the back of his heart was very fast but Yi Zhe believed that it could not be faster than his own.
The elevators in this hotel were designed to have a very gloomy atmosphere. In the enclosed space, there was only a very faint blue light.
"It's getting faster." In the quiet darkness, Xu Tangcheng suddenly said very seriously.
Yi Zhe had to exert a lot of strength before he could finally force out a single syllable. "Hmm?"
At the sixth floor, the light went out. The elevator reached the destination.
Yi Zhe had yet to recover from that sudden hand-holding and even went the wrong direction when looking for their room, dragging Xu Tangcheng along with him to walk halfway down a very long corridor fruitlessly. After much effort, they finally found the room but when the lights were switched on, Xu Tangcheng narrowed his eyes at the two beds, revealing a very doubtful expression.
He leaned against the wall. Yi Zhe stood at an angle beside him, watching him.
Xu Tangcheng tilted his head and asked, "Why are there two beds?"
Yi Zhe didn't understand. There were two of them, so of course there were two beds. As he tried to guess the meaning of those words, he wondered, could it be that Xu Tangcheng didn't want to sleep in the same room as him?
Before he could come up with an answer, Xu Tangcheng suddenly stretched a hand out to him and pulled his arm, bringing him closer to himself.
"I'm asking you a question."
Xu Tangcheng who had drank too much was much more wilful than usual, much more unreasonable, and much more impolite.
But Yi Zhe liked it.
"The two of us will be sleeping here," he explained softly.
"Two of us sleeping…" Xu Tangcheng murmured, repeating those words.
Yi Zhe only felt that when those few words came out from between his teeth, they became so much nicer to listen to. Just like the gloom in the elevator, the lights in the room were also not bright and were a very warm yellow. He watched Xu Tangcheng's lips part slightly, then slowly closed again and his palms suddenly began sweating.
The heating in the room was probably too warm.
He was just about to take a step back to maintain a safe distance between himself and Xu Tangcheng when that pair of lips that was the constant target of his gaze suddenly moved.
The warmth on those lips made something in Yi Zhe's brain explode instantly, the fragments flying violently and piercing him until every part of his entire body was trembling. The step backwards he took was unsteady, the paper packet in his hand for the room card had also changed shape drastically, but Yi Zhe did not notice at all.
He panted for breath. Meanwhile, the culprit behind the trouble had a delighted smile on his face.
Xu Tangcheng was still leaning against the wall. He asked, "Why are you running away?"
Yi Zhe couldn't say anything. His jaw was shaking non-stop, like it was completely out of control, trembling so hard that he felt embarrassed. He did not understand at all what kind of world it was tonight, or how big a slip-up had taken place in this particular dimension for this situation to happen—a situation that he had never even dared to imagine in his dreams.
Yi Zhe froze in panic. Xu Tangcheng remained smiling, he kept smiling, all the way until—with his back to the light—he saw the eyes of the person in front of him reddened. There was something in the depths of those eyes, faintly flickering, shining.
Yi Zhe no longer looked at him. He lowered his head.
"Yi Zhe."
In a very low voice, he called out to him. But seemingly for the first time ever, he did not get any response.
The line of his sight moved down, sweeping across Yi Zhe's tightly gripped fists. There was a dense and numbing ache in Xu Tangcheng's heart.
He realised that he was so afraid that Yi Zhe would cry. He reached out in a fluster, wanting to pull him close, but Yi Zhe took another step back.
At this moment, Xu Tangcheng finally truly saw and understood Yi Zhe's restraint.
Not his restraint tonight, but his restraint through so many years.
He stared blankly for a while. Then, like he had made a decision, he suddenly stepped forward with a smile and caught his collar with one hand.
Yi Zhe had already lost all awareness, so he let Xu Tangcheng pull him to the wall as he wished.
One hand came up and touched his eyes. Yi Zhe closed his eyes, not even daring to breathe. That fingertip stopped on his eye for a very long time. The darkness brought by his closed eyes was finally startled away by a voice; shakily, he embraced the light.
"I'm sorry," Xu Tangcheng said.
This apology came suddenly, from out of nowhere. But Yi Zhe understood it.
He understood now that all of Xu Tangcheng's abnormalities tonight weren't without reason. He also didn't know why his heart was suddenly flooded with a bitter and painful feeling; he clearly had not felt like he had been treated unfairly, nor had he ever felt that Xu Tangcheng owed him anything.
The hand on his face kept moving downwards, finally landing on the corner of his mouth. Yi Zhe looked at Xu Tangcheng, dumbstruck.
Just like when they were eating dumplings a very long time ago, Xu Tangcheng pressed on one corner of his mouth with a finger. And then, to Yi Zhe's surprise, he tilted his head up and kissed him again.
Every time he gave him a kiss, he took away his breath. By the time Yi Zhe's brain was blanking out from the lack of oxygen, the person in his line of sight again started to laugh. Yi Zhe didn't understand how a person's eyes could be this beautiful. Meanwhile, that pair of half-intoxicated eyes that contained a smile in them peered at him and asked, "Do you want to?"
A hand made its way to his waist and reached under his down jacket. The moment it touched his skin, Yi Zhe sucked in a harsh breath.
Both their breaths were heated. Without going through any process, their breaths were already curling together, going out of control.
Yi Zhe no longer had the strength to analyse the current situation. With a trembling hand, he gripped Xu Tangcheng's wrist, his gaze sweeping across Xu Tangcheng's eyes, his nose, and finally, his mouth.
When the other person again drew near to kiss him, Yi Zhe's throat rolled and he squeezed out a line in a hoarse voice, "Are you drunk?"
He wanted to confirm some things. Even at this point of time, he did not want them to end up having sex because of intoxication.
Xu Tangcheng let out a laugh, then moved forward again, coming closer to him.
"Yi Zhe, today…" His breath fell right on the corner of his mouth, sweet and hot. "If you miss this chance, it will never come again."
Yi Zhe really couldn't tell if Xu Tangcheng was actually drunk or not but the moment Xu Tangcheng said those words, that string in him that had been drawn taut the whole time snapped completely.
He kissed him, unheeding and uncaring of anything. There was no order to it either, even all his senses were scrambled; his sense of touch seemed to have turned into his hearing, every part that was related to Xu Tangcheng resounding in his ears. It should have been a warm and beautiful moment, yet every single one of his nerves was compressed until they hurt.
At the KTV just now, Xu Tangcheng had stopped after singing the phrase "so far away." He hadn't sung until the end but Yi Zhe had thought all this while that the "end of the story" in the lyrics was probably also their ending, and that he would go back to being the outsider in his life.
There his love was the fullest; there his love would go no further.
But right now, he was kissing him.
They were embracing, kissing.
The transformation of his emotions was too intense, like a racecar that was speeding violently and could not turn around. Alone, he charged forward on the dark racetrack, an expanse of starlight in front of him, so far away that the light melted together into a sheet.
It wasn't as though he didn't know that what lay before the starry expanse was the deep abyss. He just knew even more that it was only in that abyss that the world where his yearning could be concealed existed. Hence, even though he clearly knew that he would never reach the place under the stars, he still kept the accelerator pressed to the very bottom.
And then, when he was charging forward with no second thoughts, Xu Tangcheng suddenly appeared in front of him on the race track. He shouted something at him, but it was too noisy and Yi Zhe couldn't hear him clearly. But he seemed to decipher a signal—Xu Tangcheng was telling him that when he arrived, the road would still be there. And so, Yi Zhe hastily tried to turn around but the car was going too fast, it was too difficult to make a sudden turn, and it was not the least bit surprising that the car went off the track. There was a thunderous boom; both the racecar and him hit the tall perimeter wall in a dreadful state.
Scattered pieces of the wreckage flew everywhere, just like the New Year's fireworks he had once seen.
Xu Tangcheng felt Yi Zhe bury his face in the crook of his neck. The young man's arms grew tighter around him.
The room was crammed with their emotions that nearly couldn't be contained anymore. He heard a sob, so strongly stifled, and for a moment, he didn't dare believe it—that Yi Zhe was really crying.