... reflection(s) ...

19/5: A bit of a cleanup of my digital notepad, the thing is remarkable, indeed, but it easily becomes a big mess, and another task to fill pages with what ultimately is superfluous writing. Any project of the magnitude of writing an autobiography, or a compendium of my notes is beyond my current aspirations. In effect, I try to keep the effort required to be creative, in writing or drawing, as minimal as possible. But, indeed, I do have to create some space, to be creative in one way or another, if only to deal, or perhaps I should say be able to deal, with my lapses in motivation. Life goes on, and I have to go along with it, finding the opportunities to enjoy it, while keeping my survival strength intact.

19/5: What shall I say, it is all a game of words! .. indeed, keep writing,... filling it up slowly... 

20/5.. Perhaps I am making things complex, more and more folders, what is the use of it? 

23/5: So she is back, after about two weeks of being away. The children are happy, enjoying their presents, and, of course, the affection of their mother, being relieved of the more stern attention of their father, me! And I gave over control, no longer in need to govern domestic life, keep things organized, and suppress potential quarrels. This period ended, with as the only negative issue, a missing gym bag. Now life continues, let's see how it goes!

25/5: So, as I said before, when I wrote in the children's notes, life goes on, and for me that is family life, fitting myself within the constraints of domestic life, with wife and two daughters, all quite, to some extent, dominant, although in different ways, guarding my space so, it will not matter lively or on purpose, be taken away, but still, one way or another, adapting my agenda to what is going on in their lives, although in most cases I profit from the guiding role their activities have. Yet, I am I, me is me, and I do have to guard my identity, the focus of my self, in order to live according to the values in my life, and undertake the activities that (potentially) give me the esteem of others, and not the least important, self-esteem. 

26/5: Help, the house is being renovated again, the beds re-arranged, and to be honest, I did not get used to it yet, and could not early fall asleep. Now, I am sitting in my corner, on the floor, and watch the completion of the re-arrangement of the beds, feeling cold, and anxious. I wonder if we will still go out today, to have a picnic in the Westerpark. To be honest, I might even prefer to continue sitting in my corner, read a bit, and ponder, ponder about life, and solitude. But, on reflection, I realize the danger of remaining passive, at the risk of avoiding the challenges of life.

28/5. Another day, I set my goals, and keep asking myself what is worrying me, the fuzzy thoughts, the pain in my legs, does it move or orginate in the back, can I live in the again newly innovated house, now affecting the sleeping part. Can I go to kempo in this condition. Somehow, everything seems inconvenient and require a lot of thought. Even whether to go out and do some shopping, or to have a walk. Always there seems to be the need to adapt myself to the circumstances, not to be able to make my own planning, guarding my space, so that nothing is taken away from me, and I am not pushed to the side. So why do I complain? Well maybe it's just the pain! So, perhaps I should recall: rebel, go for.it!

31/5: Life is overwhelming, people, fear, children, the feeling of responsibility, politics, among friends, in particular kempo friends, my community, and, of course, my worries about aging, and how to keep a sufficient level of condition, body condition, first of all, but, I must admit also mind condition, to be able to keep control over the affairs of life, without too much trouble or confusion, something that also somehow seems to require more focus and effort. Anyway, after a long talk, about trigger points, personality traits, games people play, such as authority games, which unfortunately are part of life, we seemed to agree on the strategy required to encourage a community feeling for kempo that allows for co-existence, and offer potential kenshi existential  relief!

1/6. Life goes on, and I am still in the middle of it, it seems, with a family, wife and children around me, lively and noisy, as they should be, a martial art community, in which I still play a role, shifting from practice to teaching, still staying somewhere in the middle, and playing my role, or should I say game, of the sceptical old man, who often pretends he knows better, without showing it in a too obvious manner,  thus imposing more strongly that the knowledge is there, even though in practice the knowledge does not amount to much more than a list of references indicating books that, in one way or another, have a relation to the subject in question. The real secret, however, is that I usually have the discipline, even if not today, to do my exercises, which gives me inner strength.

2/6: Two (and a half) dominant women in the house, telling me to stay away when they are busy in the kitchen... Today, we went kayaking at camping Zeeburg, which was silent and quiet at first, but when we came back it was full of people. Apparently, there was a party going on. A bourgeois party, of people with cars, dogs, fat stomach and stern faces. But it was nice to see my old friend, now father of three children, after a long time. And, he assured me he was delighted to be a father of three! I walked with pain in my legs, but am still glad I made the effort, and we finally made it, together. Even the fact that one of the girls forgot her phone didn't bother me, but reminded me of keeping up the usual ritual of checking, whether anybody possibly forgot something. Now at home, fighting for my space. How long will I survive, knocking on heaven's door?

5/6: A busy time, politics, children, tax, dealing with money, time for some notes, or should I say nuts. First about politics, monday evening the meeting with the kempo guys, which went surprisingly well, with an authorative guy, a smart guy, with a stern look on his face, both into formalizing their concerns in a worried, slightly authorative manner, meshed by a somewhat forced smile, and another one, easily annoyed, and of course the one who is shrugging his shoulders, and an expression of what do I know on his face. When I left I was called a nerd, which I took as a compliment, indicating that I payed attention to details, In effect,I remained as neutral as possible, and with some distance observed the interactions between them. However, I still felt involved, if only for the long time we have been training together and the (significant) role kempo played in my life and personal development!

And, after visiting Japan, for my third dan exam, where I got the assignment, as I felt it, to help guard the future of Shorinji Kempo in Amsterdam, I felt the moral responsibility to contribute to the existence of Shorinji Kempo, even  after our sensei retired, and contribute to the new, more democratic and modern style, when the guys took over. At the meeting I also made a personal statement, that, with regard to my current condition, I stay on the side, but wish to be involved, however with less active participation, an and as I now practice, more focus on advice and acting as a teaching guide, by explaining technical issues and correcting posture and technique. I emphasized the existential value of kempo, and the importance of supporting the individual needs of the kenshi, and their personal concerns. which for me was the primary motivation to practice kempo. Also, now that we are somehow entering a new stage of our life together, as the children grow older and more independent, the moral core of martial arts become perhaps even more important, as a way of life, and for me,  not the least important, as a means to participate in a community, active to the extent my condition allows for it, but also providing focus for attention on issues of life, physical and mental development, balance, and again, a motivation for disciplined practice, as a way to guide my process of aging, and to deal with the various problems and dilemmas of life, the chaos, the institutional issues related to finance, schools and work, and the need to keep control over the resources that support our, in general, modest life. And, with children, I can only say one thing, life goes on!

8/6: Is it really time for more notes, having skipped 2/3 th of my exercises, taking it easy, to accommodate the pain in my body, the legs in particular! But now it is time to  eat, so I likely will continue this later, for now just killing time! Then, after eating, taking up my notes again, but not before cleaning my computer, that is erasing the files that I downloaded from my facebook memories.. I didn't use them though, feeling not in the mood to add anything to my online memories, and, indeed, I think I shouldn't, more images would likely degrade the composition, especially when forced by a feeling of obligation, instead of creative) inspiration. I am not sure whether it it is my mood, that is somewhat low, due to the feeling in my legs, or just sound judgement, that I did not wish to add anything to my site. Stressing the phrase "less is more"; Indeed,  I think the latter!

12/6: What is there left to write about, except issues of self-esteem, respect shown by others, my intolerance for authorative people, the effort I have to make to keep an acceptable level of discipline, the self-indoctrination that writing allows me to take distance, in effect, all ramblings of a disturbed, not to say confused mind, a conversion, perhaps, of my struggle to live my life, in such a way that it agrees with my standards, even considering the doubt with respect to the source of my standards, my background, my cultural environment, and the many books that I read, too many perhaps to be able to digest properly. Anyway, this morning, since a long time, we were close together.

16/6: Another day inside, pain in my legs, eager to read, and changing weather, from sunshine to rain and back again, giving me plenty of excuses to stay in, not go out (again) to the Westerpark, or go for a city walk, in the Jordaan, or as often in the past,  to the center, for a snack and coffee, as when the children were young. Also, I am not in the mood to impose moral obligations, which might also not fit well with the schedule of the other members of my family. In addition, I am waiting for a message from my older children .

19/6: Another day, still with a bit of pain in the legs, telling myself to keep walking, but happy with the reduction of the medication, that might be part of the cause of that pain. In line with my attitude of conformity to moral obligations when they might either benefit myself or my children, and of course my life, and other people I feel connected with. Still my mind is working how to prepare best for the future, taking into account the reduction of my mobility, both in range and aptitude. Just keep working on it, I keep telling myself, and don't avoid any challenge that seems worth to take a risk  just put in the effort to meet it, profiting from possible shortcuts or opportunities, as another exercise in adaptation, relying on memory, analytic skills and built-up experience!

21/6: Should I take a challenge, or rest, or just smile, to maintain peace and harmony, with my self and the children. Family life, demanding, and often forcing me to adapt, to circumstances, unforeseen events, and of course the dominance, being directed this way or that way, dependent on their moods and emotions, fighting, in a way, to find the space for myself, and of necessary be a rebel, or of really needed a devil, to be able to keep in touch with the magic(k) of life, my personal being, whatever the darkness of the unknown brings, as a result of history, chance, and, of course, due to the complexity of modern life, chaos! And eventhough these are merely words, there is a deeper reality, so smile!

23/6: Now, what's next? After reading about open focus, a method to, among others, relieve pain, in a hurry to finish, which I did, in time, on a day full of tension and averse emotions, pain in the body, and even thinking about how to find a building with, at least, eight floors, which may be considered almost a traditional way to end a life of suffering. It is not my intention, yet, but just a way to think about how to change my life, and I must say the only way to cope with oppression and suppression seems to be to change my life. The options are clear: continue -- communication, clarity, consistency, stop -- stupid, silence, solitude.  Very likely there will be a middle way, with a lot of both. But at least I indicated that there are limits, and that I will take charge of imposing these limits. one way or another! 

24/6: Another day, a lot more mild. I decided, after some doubt, to keep participating in the theatre of life, with all the beautiful women around me, even if I feel sometimes excluded, and have to fight for my space. I also decided to continue keeping track of what I read, both as a reference page as well in a separate list, just to support my memory, and also to set goals, on the spot, and influenced by my feelings of the moment, as well on what I see available on my reading device.  Cognition, image, aesthetics, morality ... Does it make sense? It must, it is about sense and sensibility. For the rest I try to stay calm, adapt to what is going on and do my exercises, which hopefully helps me to be fit enough to survive this! 

29/6: Splash, yesterday family meeting, what am I doing here, navigating the street, feeling the tension, meeting the demands of being a father, a brother, and a grandfather, listening to the familiar cliches, but still taking pleasure in touching my granddaughter, and telling to my son, who occasionally listens, and his wife, who seems even eager to take my advice, to do a PhD in the Netherlands, for a period of four years, with the option to return to Brazil after that period, and resume her old job, as a safeguard, which sets a security backline. In other words, mixed feelings, listening, talking, and looking. And at home, the three beautiful women, mother and two daughters, but again the feeling: what am I doing here.

4/7: Early in the morning, not the usual time to write, but after breakfast, mother and daughter discussing the chance of passing this year's class, and the options, in case of failure. Write to take some distance, to be able to cope with the stress of life, including the pain in my legs, and to comply with my praise of writing as a discipline, an exercise in expression and control, as well as a way to dive into both thoughts and life, as it came up in my conversation with another kenshi, herself a writer, about the benefits and promises of writing, as a means to shape life and create professional skills leading to a better chance of survival, and as a way to enjoy life!

5/7. And so, there is always something to write, it could even be an autobiography, or if needed an autohagiography, praising myself for my creativity and my human value, although it seems more likely that I would take a more ironic approach and degrade or humble myself, but of course with the ultimate goal of gaining more respect and praise, by a dialectic of criticism and controversial statements about people and the world they inhabit, or more precisely create for themselves, mostly based on material values, and the moral justification of a surplus of luxury and collectively supported goals including travel destinations, art museums and performances of acrobats, and, not to forget, exquisite meals!

8/7: Struggling to keep a sense of self-esteem. Pain in the body, and a worried mind, thinking of things that need to be taken care of, even if they are non of my (direct) business, and feeling excluded when not part of an event-communication app, as in the case of a child's birthday, which surprised me, but I didn't want to ask to include me. But still, the questions stays with me, why was I not included. But then again, why do I feel so much responsibility for keeping an eye on the time and the whereabouts of the children. After all, they can manage well, and it is their own business, unless I am somehow explicitly involved. As I say, it might all come down to my self-esteem, or a lack of confirmation thereof!

10/7: Living in an ecology of need, trying to communicate, after reading about non-violent communication, I find it almost impossible to bring up the empathy, which is apparently needed for real communication. I simply feel not connected, but of course answer with a smile, and make some jokes. Is this purely fake, or just the reality of living among people, where the bond of connection, even with a variance of likes and dislikes, is through an institution such as a school, enforced by the need to support our children. In other words, when assuming existence before essence, my essence is clearly of another kind, more of the kind of a solitary existence, finding satisfaction in solitude, pursuing my motivated goals, even if there is on the background the need for recognition and attention, which after all contribute in an important way to my self-esteem. So part of my behavior is governed by moral obligations needed to secure my position in a social structure.

18/7: In a way, I did not hold myself to my promise, to keep on writing, both as a mental exercise, and to relieve the tension of daily life. My daughter passed to her next year and we are preparing for a month's travel, to Thailand. Tonight is our last training for this year, and tomorrow the last schooldays of the kids, Life goes on!

22/7: Splash, flash, hush, hush, crush, there is still time to write, flush, flush, away with the thoughts, the emotions, the fluxions of the mind, stiff-legged, in a trance of paralysis by analysis, thinking about what has to be done, and what must wait, looking for attention and recognition, but wait, my time is almost over, what do I want more, instead of knocking on the door, and looking at my girls, their independence, their beautiful bodies, yes, there I am, the old guy, with the mind of a dirty old man, suffering the pain for a walk, but always ready to talk, even if nobody listens. Nobody? Wait, make no mistake, I will force them to listen, because I have the time on my side, and I am usually right, although it might take some time to get it within sight! 

24/7: Sitting here, dealing with the fear, of not understanding life, feeling the cold, because I am getting old, and so on, and so on, unstoppable bullshit, just for the fun of it, and to avoid the confrontation with myself, what do I want, why do I not go out, take a walk, or have a talk, It does not matter how, or with who, as long as I meet my moral obligations to maintain movement, and pretend I am in contact with other people, whatever they think of me, whatever I think of them, as long as I can produce the poetry of life, to confuse and distract, to gain attention and occasional respect, that enables me to play a role, whatever way, just for the fun of it, I would say, and I circumvent the obstacles of life, that would take an effort to overcome, would there not be a smart way to go around.

29/7: My last notes, before we leave for a holiday to Thailand, after meeting the children, all four of them together, in the  Westerpark, sitting on the grass, near the water, looking at eachother, thinking what to say, and what not, a special moment, I as a father, surrounded by my offspring, wondering what goes on in their mind, and they, likewise, trying to take a proper position, a balance between respect for me and their own independence, as individuals that have the right to live their own lives. The conversation went smooth, with bits of competitive ideas, interest in what is going on, and, all together, an observance of good manners, giving out pieces of information, and inquiring about the state of affairs, in the individual lives of the others, while observing what is going on in being together as a group, mind, as a family, with a common bond, me!

29/8: We just arrived home, after a demanding trip, thirteen hours flight, staying for the night in Bangkok airport, with an intermediate day in Helsinki. We have seen a lot, and, fortunately, each time our tour threatened to become a (real) disaster trip, either due to quarrels between the girls, that is between the mother and the girls, somehow the threat was diverted and channeled, usually, into a shopping frenzy, which made the (young) girls extremely happy, In the last month,  I often suffered from pain in the legs, and overall tiredness. On the last day, today, I lost or forgot my little urban bag, stupid old man, but, fortunately, not my valuables, passport and cards, and only one bag of tobacco. My advice, to myself, keep travelling, don't give up!

30/8: I still blame myself for losing the urban bag, confidently rolling cigarettes, and then simply forgetting to take my bag, in which I stored the tobacco along. How stupid, how stupid, indeed. Always precise, how can I forget to take it, and why did I not take the precaution to wrap it around my waist? I slept very bad this night, partly because of stiffness in the body, especially the legs, and partly because of this recurrent self-blame. My bladder felt like bursting, but I couldn't get any relief, no matter how often I tried, getting up more than five times. Also, I feel resistance taking up my life here in Amsterdam again, living on a schedule, determined by the schools and affairs of the girls, eating the regular food, and meeting the people related to school and work. Fortunately, I was able to do my exercise this morning, and I hope I will be sufficiently motivated to train SK.

31/8: Overwhelming was my friendś reaction when I told her briefly about our experiences in Thailand. When saying that, she looked with an astonished face to my daughter, who stood about two meters from us, and has grown tall in the period that she last saw her. Is that her? I confirmed that, indeed, she has grown tall! After a good night sleep I feel better today, took a walk with her, discussing issues of school, and possibilities for part-time work. I also asked whether she would still approve my joining the travel, or whether she preferred to leave me home, to travel only with the three of them. No, it's fine when you come along, she said, but when we go shopping we better leave you some place, and you like that don't you. When leaving for our walk I could not find the blue bag. Apparently, someone disposed of it. Another bag lost, stupid but this time it was not my fault!

6/9: Now back for about a week, still in the process of getting organised, and I collected my running belt, which offers some compensation for the loss of my urban bag. In a way, a discovery, opening up new possibilities for outdoor activity, read exercise. Yesterday, nobody showed up for training, so we skipped training, and instead had a ceremonial tea, and a long talk, about travelling, discipline, and, of course, kempo, how to stimulate the actual presence of people at the training sessions, and how to avoid personal conflicts due to transgression and escalation of personal issues, either due to direct contact or personal history. I felt a bit like talking my way out of it, but perhaps I should accept that, as my personal strategy.  At least I can talk the walk. even when not be able ...

7/9: If I think about it, time to write, time to think, time to fill, a waste of time, doing exercise, handstand, indeed, therapy, waiting for the children, adapting to my wife, securing material conditions, trying or pretending to be on the right spiritual level, partly by making an effort to create the right image, by both resisting and complying with the demands of those around me, withstanding their criticism and trying to satisfy the impression of myth that surrounds me, and if necessary, as it often seems to be, to talk my way out of it, with in the back of my mind how to fall back on the essence of security, by attention to breathing, posture and the essentials of material life, money, comfort and physical safety, supported by the instruments at hand.

8/9: Just sit and write, for the fun of it, what is the use of it, except the possible relief of mental stress, which might, however, also result in more confusion, and form a distraction of activities that might be more useful. However, the joy of manipulating a pencil or stylus on real or digital paper is also a reward in itself, and diving in the flux of thought is a ritual worth repeating, if only for the stimulation of focus and attention, provided, when writing no stagnation of breathing occurs, as not to stop the flow and coherence of life, and disrupt the brain by physical stress. Stay relaxed, and write, just for the fun of it!

11/9: Why would I need color when not everything is black and/or white? To scribble in a more complex way, or to show off the most advanced paper tablet currently available? That seems superfluous, and a contradiction with my wish to keep things simple, and might even disrupt the flow of thought by an abundance of choice, and the risk of losing myself in refinements that obstruct  the direct expression of my thoughts. It might also be considered a waste of money, although, dependent on perspective, that point of view might be considered irrelevant, given the fact that money is spent on many things of which only a small part is indispensable!

reference(s)

• Katy Butler -- Knocking on Heaven's Door: The Path to a Better Way of Death (amazon)

• Simon Critchley -- The Book Of Dead Philosophers (amazon)

• Aleister Crowley -- Confessions: An Autohagiography (amazon)

• John M. Gottman (et al) -- The Mathematics of Marriage: Dynamic Nonlinear Models (amazon)

• Ernest Hemingway -- The Old Man and the Sea (amazon)

• Christopher S. Hyatt (et al) -- Rebels & Devils: The Psychology of Liberation (amazon)

• Clifford A. Pickover -- Time: A Traveler's Guide (amazon)

• Marshall B. Rosenberg -- Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (amazon)

• George Santayana -- The Life of Reason: The Phases of Human Progress (amazon)

• Rebecca Solnit -- A Field Guide to Getting Lost (amazon)

• Peter C. Whybrow -- The Well-Tuned Brain: The Remedy for a Manic Society (amazon)

• Virginia Woolf -- The Waves (amazon)