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1/1: milaan, milu, mila, milo, a thousand miles from here, ski, on my list of things not to do but it looked feasible, city -- walk slow, speed -- move / practice, life -- no fun
3/1: ... the day after the mountain, the best view I have ever seen, better them Tibet, but I think an image cannot represent it.. I took many pictures, they look impressive, and, yes, it was worth the challenge, but the mood was melancholic,.. yet I enjoyed the energy of my wife and children, eventhough I had to dig deep to find my own energy, Enough for now, exercise, waiting for breakfast. and yes, I write to take distance, in particular from my self, and yet to stay connected to the theatre of life, in particular family and children! What is there left to say? And after some doubt, well, you know, when in doubt -- twijfel -- I managed to do my third round of balance exercises, indeed, 3, for the last time in this apartment, but, life goes on, and I will keep with my strategy - follow the crowd!
12/1: memory -- shadow image: writing, drawing, taking care of domestic duties, buying food, watching the children, life goes on, a never ending story, although at the horizon lies death, as testified by my sister, who passed away a few weeks ago, and looking at the photograph my oldest daughter send me, it was her time. For myself, I think there is a good chance to continue life in a good way, even though I feel the cold be cause I am getting old, and the pain when I walk in the rain, but am still there ready to fight, when I might, and, being precise, keep the discipline of doing exercise, and, indeed, even after a challenging walk, I am ready to talk, about the issues of life, love, children, family, you name it, and I'll be there, pretending to be present, and indeed, serious of mind, to assure, that you, or whoever, is kind, to me, that is.
15/1: Another day, what can I say; is it time to write, or draw or scribble, or am I too anxious to be productive, not to lose time, eager to get the attention of other people, by an occasional like, and afraid to loose my skill, or strength, and the reward of productivity, basically a sense of value I think. Part of the day wearing slippers against cold feet, and now for the last few hours barefect, to strengthen my self and create resistance, not by pills, her simply by being able to bear the discomfort of cold feet, in the hope of, moved, creating resistance, making them stronger. Will it be possible to run again in the not too far future? I hope so, and perhaps I should make the effort, go out, and run, or as I said before, recover (my) universe now. Well, perhaps, if the weather allows, but in the meantime I just keep walking!
19/1: Life goes on, family life, in particular.. Three busy woman, or should I say girls, with a schedule of school and work, who have to study, and complete tasks, set goals, and keep track of their activities. In comparison my life is empty lacking structure, that is, a structure imposed by the external environment. Instead, I have to create structure by adopting a discipline in accordance with self-imposed goals, which are, in my case, to some extent related to expected, or hoped for, recognition by the external world, which, indeed, is a sign molicating a competitive mind. Ironically, my last drawing, posted on facebook, the fight scene taken at the parents meeting got four likes, even though I considered it of less quality than the ones previously posted on facebook, but no like so far on instagram. Apparently,there is a different crowd on these social media, which comes to expression in a difference in taste, read likes, in the appreciation of artistic items. On the background, of appreciation, there are of course also political issues, that is likes given with the intention to attract attention to the act of attention itself. Not so much a power game, or even a status game, but still playing with moments of attention as a means to gain esteem and to enhance self-esteem. Nevertheless, for whatever reason lies behind them, these likes make me happy, that is happy being recognized explicitly as a person able to be productive in a creative medium, drawing in this case, with a strong personal style, a style which is improving over time,-even though this introduces an element of artifciality, that is self-conscious effects!
25/1: Again in my corner, at home, writing. What I need is energy, indeed energy energy, energy, or perhaps it is recognition, or a goal in life, or maybe just some entertainment or fun, to pass the time in a more leisury, related and pleasant way. Or even I should perhaps consider to change my life, to run away, travel, anything that even in the slightest sense might provide the feeling, being it an illusion or not, of meaning, affirming my personal existence in a positive way, one way or another. I decided, however, not to go to the USC training, which comprises both an introduction to attract new kenshi and a black belt training, to practice advanced techniques. Since I don't feel the recognition and since I am also a bit lazy and did not want to invest the effort, I just let it go. But, after seeing all the likes, I now have the feeling that my inspire. notes are taken seriously, which does provide the motivation to go kempo, at least for the coming time!
28/1: on a totally empty page, I could write anything, giving vent to my sorrow and despair, to counteract the emptyness of the void, in an attempt to live a meaningful life, even if it takes an effort of both body and mind to enjoy life as a game of chance, and be productive, that is draw or write, either on paper or a digital tool, using my hand to exercise grip and grasp of the subjects that interest me, and give me fun.... to play with ...
1/2: skin therapy ... life is an adventure, that is for certain, but it is impossible to know where it leads, and it requires not only discipline, formed by habits of practice, but also insight and strategy, to force it in the direction, that is most desirable, in other words to set goals, that indicate the power line to follow, as well as the motions that allow for merging with the crowd, without losing my sense of self, which would result in dissolving with the world, complex as it is, and disappear in the memory of time and space, or get lost in the words used to write this down, or the images drawn as a record of time. In my opinion-it requires deep vision, to keep an eye on the rationality of life, and act according to the key principle, or communication, needed to lead a busy life ... cycle!
6/2: Where are we now, and where do we go from here, and perhaps more importantly, why... or why not? Well, just keep writing, and drawing, with a look towards the side, to see what is happening in the world, where people target goals of disputable value, but nevertheless have fun, playing the game of life. Just observe their face, do not judge, but listen to their voice, and follow their trail, in your own way. Take action when needed, but go slow, and of course go kempo, keeping a close guard on body and mind, to sell your points, get attention and respect, with a straight face, to maintain the pattern, avoid pain, but keep the gain, so ... walk the talk or talk the walk!
8/2: order -- stupid trap .. indeed, life goes on, domestic life, with wife and children, so far as I am able to manage it, bit by bit, and of course all the rest, which requires action, preparation for performance, as well as the ability to reflect, to set goals, to act in a proper way, and to deal with attention, as well as the lack thereof, and solve issues of money, and problems that may arise along the way, due to the order of things, in our complex world, including school and work, where a moral attitude prevails. Taking care of body and mind, by maintaining a habit of exercise, to be able to think clear, and find my way, I look for the chance to have fun, and play the game, with a focus on my vision how to be my self!
11/2:... after a short time being lost in doubt, I take the pencil in my hand, to write in order to take control of my self, mind and body, to think about my place in life, how to act, what posture to take to force my action into an effective performance, to sustain my goal, get the reward from respect in the eye of others ... well, sofar this might sound rational but the truth is that a few days ago I lost my balance, and hit my head on the ground, There is still a small spot, about which a feel a sense of shame, and feeling a bit shy, I hesitate to use my voice and spark the flame, indeed life is not a joke, but, wait, .., after a short break, a gift, with a house full of children, so keep control, whatever, walk or talk, and, indeed, .. go kempo!
16/2:.... a life of solitude, and indeed I feel a bit lost, and know I have to look for the challenge to inspiremy energy and keep me in motion, as a moral law, to gain the reward of action, and find the truth that is the source of life, not only read a book, but act, take a walk despite the pain, and talk to look for the key that makes me free, and look at the world in a new way, to deal with the complex issues that arise when I play the game of chance for fun, that is to take the challenge with a proper attitude that allows for power and vision, and indicates the line to follow, to reach a goal, whatever it is, count your steps, and move, out of the corner in the cave, to the future, in time and space, and face the world and observe, not to judge but to express my self in a cycle of art!
22/2: shadow -- travel issue ... life goes on, that was the conclusion of the howa session of kempo a few days ago, with a small number of kenshi, talking about courage and place in life, following a circle, clock-wise, each describing in a few words their opinion and experience with these issues, some with real dilemmas to deal with, others, including myself, in a more general way, with a reference to life, practice and science. Surprisingly, there was almost no attention for the issue of energy, while, in my opinion, this forms the soul of kempo, together with posture and breathing, to regulate the working of the brain in situations of fear and action, where there is a threat of violence, so do your exercise and practice, indeed ... go kempo!
28/2:. children -- wait action ... another day, a bit in doubt whether I should write, and why, since I could also sit in my corner and read about dance as (brain) therapy, but indeed, when in doubt -- twijfel --, so why not, draw a line and take the opportunity to reflect, on the issues of life, children and the feeling of responsibility that brings, and the stress of family life, with three dominant women, the youngest of which has a flu, lying in bed, watching her iPad, but taken well care of by her mother, even with a massage, that she accepted apparently with some reluctance. The weather is still cold, and I am feeling old, but why complain about the pain, there is no gain in that, just take it slow and go with the flow, with some exercise to give life some spice, and, when I speak about flow, indeed ... go kempo! XXXX
13/3: ... I just turned 73, ... a few days ago, I wrote: fortunately, I still have a voice, happy to make some noise, like it or not, I go my way... Well, as you might say, and the rest is history. Actually a lot happened there last day.s We just had a visit of the plumber, to inspect a leakage that I personally find rather insignificant, and about the time I contacted our landlord about this issue, I finished the documentation about the value of our house. I did remove all the personal information, but the essence is there. Two days ago my son visited us, by surprise, having just arrived by-airplane. Interesting to see how my wife and he communicated, mostly bypassing me. In such cases, I just observe, silence is a force, and, to be honest I am impressed by the energy of my wife and children, even with some stress and fear, but life goes on, it's a challence. but also fun!
22/3:... indeed, I have to find balance, and self control, to gain a clear mind, and avoid the stress of being obsessed by the problems of life, and not hope for the reward of a like on whatever I write, draw or even think, whether it is about life, or how I look at things, and watch how the crowd behaves, with noise, cluttering the space, all taking too much of my time, whereas I should focus on what is of importance to me, the ritual party in the dojo, the children, as a challenge in life, and even to play with force, to hit the target, and even when maintaining my practice of upside-down, forget about the flame song, and remember that life is not a joke, enjoy the city and have fun with the children, without the moral obligation to create an image of life, to put it on facebook, but just take action, act in accordance with the time of my life, now at the age of 73.
23/3:... a good advice I got from my wife was not to project my fear on the children, both the younger and the older ones, and indeed, the energy and dynamics of the people around me are frightening, and make me feel old, even when I try to keep in control, move my body, and do exercise, ... a clear mind indeed, but with some fear to take action, and a preference to sit in my corner of the cave at home, dealing with my agenda using my digital tools, like a dream, and,, indeed, wake-up, not a dream that helps to cope with the issues of life, but rather, in some sense, a deep sleep, almost like a form of art, on the edge of reality, as suggested by my latest post on facebook, city -- play ground, well take your chance, play the game of life and go with the (energy) flow.
11/4:... when I look at my face, I think,..., does it matter.... and, let's be honest, what does really matter, except for the present moment, to survive, to stay active, and feel secure enough to face the challenges of life,... now waking-up after a rest, not really a sleep, that I took to recover from meeting the mother of my oldest son, lively, energetic, but living on a different plane of existence, in a sphere of self-adopted conformity, with a strong opinion of who I am, and what I represent, that is what I am not, in the sense of how I face reality, and what I think about the world, its rules and conventions, and the role I want to play, how I look for recognition and self esteem. As I said often before, life is not a joke, I just sing my sons, not looking for fame, bat just for the flame of creative energy, so go with the flow, write, ... and draw!
18/4.... these days I feel a pressure of time, to finish reading another chapter in a book, to go out for a walk, or to draw another image, showing the posture and faces of young or old people, and even when I go to kempo, to practice my skills and to be part of-a community, to enhance my self esteem. It is, of course, as a matter of speaking, all in the brain, the mind or the body, whatever, and I think also due to my wish to keep up my discipline of exercise, upside-down, or, as I see' it, my balance therapy, a challenge to my self, but also with an element of performance, which brings me in a state of (hypnotic) trance!
23/4: learn -- line flow... yes, indeed, what does that mean... does it have any meaning, except that I want to show my self as a creative person, active with work, in competition, so to speak, with my wife, who is still pursuing a career, now in traditional chinese medicine, or TCM, that I used to translate as traditional ..., just think, living with three dominant women, who, I must admit, I still love, but also make me feel more and more dependent, especially when I observe and admire their energy, where I my self feel more and more in a position where I can still attempt to follow the crowd, avoiding to much pressure on my brain, as well as mind and body, although in practice I still manage to do my exercise, and I still go kempo, with another challenge waiting, women self-defense, where they (well, you should know who I mean) can fight it out!
24/4: now there is enough paper to write the story of my life, or whatever comes to mind, slowly progressing, the story of old age,... step by step... .. one more test, good is good enough, A doesn't need to be better than that.... or .. what shall I say? So there is a choice, whether on paper, or using a digital tool, such as the remarkable, as long as I practice my hand, and give space to doubt,... lost in confusion ...
26/4: koningsdag -- blame, blame, blame, muesli on the floor, it is always a shame, my fault, but I should stay calm, even if I feel old and cold and to be brief, write down my grief, with my pencil in my hand, taking distance by the act of writing down the fact(s), like it or not, life goes on, and on,... well, whatever the fact, whatever the act, it is very likely, indeed, life goes on, lively, and in a surprising sense also lovely, so keep shadow-boxing, to withstand the force, positive or negative, it doesn't matter, as long as there is sufficient attention and energy to continue the battle, the war of life, the competition, the pain and the suffering but above all the enjoyment of being alive, the fascination of life!
... so, what's next, write or draw, or just read about capitalism and class wars, or, in short violence to improve the destiny of mankind, which should include me, even if I don't see a direct connection, but I admit money does play a role in my life, and is not as unimportant as I would wish it to be, and that is a fact, whatever way I try to act, but as I said, strength is a skill, so I will take some action, trying to be efficient with energy, and, in the end, we will see what my future will be.
27/4: .. the day after kings day, which should be called -- orange day -- in the middle of the crowd, trying to catch the meaning of it all, suffering a bit from the pain in my legs, following the crowd, step by step, looking around, with a smile on my face, keeping in mind that, at my age, life takes an effort, and for the children that life also means to adopt the discipline imposed by the parents, so, indeed, a mother may forbid her daughter the use of her phone and ipad, when it exceeds a limit, so let's be clear listen to the music and spread the word.
2/5: strategy -- key issue / smile -- connect circle ... writing is a way to take distance, but according to a theory about brain plasticity, it might also strengthen the link to that particular item, positive or negative, so the question is what to do with my feeling of solitude, with the political issues playing with kempo, which now also include me, because, having the courage to be disliked, I emphasized the importance of formal clarity, and a clear consideration of what I later called the range of support, that is thinking through the various scenarios, both with respect to the personal involvement of individdual benshi, as well as possible financial issues when problems occur, The answer to my contribution was, in dutch, geen tijd, geen zin, niet nodig, a genuinly toxic statement, clever though, and an efficient weapon against my intrusion, but, 'although I admire the effectiveness I also find it insulting, and from the perspective of future cooperation, unacceptable, and will thus, for the moment withdraw my involvement with the issue at hand, ... zoek het zelf maar uit ..., I go kempo, my way!
18/5:... menu -- select effort... I just finished reading number 10, which is, apart from a memory, also, in some sense, a love letter to you, now away for almost 10 days, with your parents, and just send a message to tell you that here, in our house, everything is fine, and ask you how you are, which was not my plan, but after reading number 10 and all the work on my site, which almost seemed collapsed, indeed a real crisis, and, not to forget, the politic issues in kempo, I did write to you, in an attempt to engage again in my project of life, in which the view of my children plays an important role, and to keep busy with my digital immortality and act in order to play the attitude game, be my self, follow the law of life,, ... and go kempo!
23/5: move :: observe -- moral code. ... as an introduction to a memory on facebook: ... r(ecover) u(niverse) n(ow). in other words, run: away from the noise, the daily routine, the worry about money, and what we call in dutch the administratieve rompslomp, of course there is also noise, construction work, the cutting of trees and the barking dogs, but unfortunately you cannot forbid these, just build distance and tolerance by being outdoor, I should make that a habit, I think, if you know what I mean, if not get lost, or run, anyway it is good to have some exercise! ... what can I say more? well, we will come back to that later!
25/5:... it was my plan to write, yesterday, but I didn't have the time, or make time, to be more precise,..., write about my mood (s), and to be honest I was in doubt, what to write, and why, reading about (sacred and other) pathways in the brain, my brain, in doubt whether it would not be better to take a walk, or just talk, talk my way out of it, it meaning the issues of life, a busy life now she's back, but of course life goes on, even after reading number 10 again, and I am happy I still have a choice and the discipline to do my exercise, even if it takes an effort, , so to speak, but as I said life goes on, and I try to go with the flow, upside-down, children, family, and kempo, despite the politics, and despite my condition, mind and body need practice, including the act of writing : drawing, reading, etc, just to get my self to move, and take action, and ... indeed, another goal, where the theme is to know how to hit a target, ... go kempo!
26/5:... after number 10, I read "in gesprek", my notes from a period of work in which there was a conflict between my supervisor and me about my range of interests, and my focus on not only the scientific aspect but also on technology and aesthetics, including the mechanisms behind serious games. This was the period that my wife and I started dating, about 20 years ago. Since then a long time has passed, and again, when reading my history, I am impressed by the energy I had and the variety of work I took upon me. Eventually, this document contributed to my assignment as a professor creative technology/new media, and it shows how at that time, after training for more than to years my martial art, the warrior style of my approach, in short, there is only one way, and that is my way, an approach that I am also inclined to take in my personal life, for good or bad, whatever the future will give ...
28/5:... yesterday there was another kempo training, especially for black belts, but almost nobody, that is of the other branches showed up, actually only one, who came too late. For myself, I forced myself to go, despite the pain in my body, and the reluctance to meet the other guys, and be confronted (again) with kempo politics. A relief in some sense that nobody showed up, but still I did not join the after party, and went home, to eat and sleep. I also did some work for my authomatic annotation tool, and now try this out on various documents, including this note, it might be a real transformation that allows me to use writing as a therapy, for daily-practice, in addition to my upside-down exercise and go kempo!
29/5: .. now, the major work on my annotation tool is done, so I can start writing, so.. let's get serious, I even could start writing my autobiography, or many people do, towards the end of their life, anyway the last two weeks were exhausting, all the time, non-stop busy with my site, to adjust the url(s) and correct invalid links, by going through all this material, including. the manuscripts of number 10 and in gesprek ..., I went deep into myself, and was confronted with my history, in both a positive and negative way, so, now I should take some rest, and think about how to continue my creative explorations, both by writing and drawing, indeed as a way to face reality, go with the flow, and adapt to my current condition, not only by doing exercise and go kempo, but also by finding harmony in my state of mind, deal with all the domestic affairs, and the issues that come up with children, and in the context of social media ..., and, as I would phrase it, not reading but writing is my therapy, just judge ... and watch my posture!
30/5: I tried my annotation tool on the following phrase(s): -- we need energy ... reality-game ... for all domestic task(s) ... ! -- it seemed to work well, but for safety I put number-10 and the black-diary under manuscripts, to allow myself to experiment without disrupting my old documents... again it feels as a relief that most of the work is done, so now it is time to relax, read a bit and see what the future brings, in terms of creative activity, but also with respect to my condition, I certainly need some discipline to keep in shape, and keep up a (kind of) warrior profile, to maintain a proper level of self-esteem ... the next thing will be to plan or decide what my future project(s) will be, and how I will spend my time, dividing my attention between walking in the park and my intellectual work, reading, writing, and drawing, all making use of the various digital tools, in addition, of course, I have to bring up the effort to practice ... and ... indeed, go kempo! (Æ)
experiment: this is just to try ... how to balance my writing performance by automatic annotations using script technology ... allowing me tot take distance by writing ...
... and I ask myself what are the major issue(s) in my life ..., smoking, child
31/5:... finally, already quite late in the evening, I sit in my corner, not to read as was my original plan but to write, now using my annotation tool, even as a guide what to write ... In my note (s), I address the following theme (s): keyword(s): dominant, autonomy, individual freedom, outdoor ... running, walking ... barefoot or should I say barefeet ... city life ... competitive relation(s) ... love .. children ... sometimes a bit lonely, but anyway ... life goes on ... well, indeed, a bit wordplay, a game with words, but remember writing makes law ... and to make my work better accessible, I added some url(s): number-10 black-diary life-cycle write-cycle memory-cycle trail-cycle go-cycle ... etc ... and, in addition, yesterday, I put the text. for testing the tool online, in the note(s) on my project site, ... now I just have to correct the links in write.eliens.net and diary.eliens.net ... and then start some real writing, in my corner ... .. how to deal with all these issues is quite another matter.. I just returned from the shop to buy a bottle of sparkling water, as a gesture to my wife, to settle our conflict about ... well, food, communication, another quarrel about nothing, due to the tension of a busy life, for her the study and going to school, for me the work on my site and annotation tool,. I hope that tomorrow I can just read and, perhaps, make a drawing, and have a walk in the park, in other words, relax!
2/6:... finally, after another busy day, in my corner, taking some time to write on my remarkable writing pad, the work on my annotation tool as good as finished, and everything seems to be ready to be used, as in my life-cycle in cycle/project! ... today, I also went to the hospital for a technical check on my S-ICD, which must be done every half year, the technician, a black woman of around 40 years old, told me that there were some rhythm issues, which might be disturbing for the flow of blood,... well we will see what happens, and if the doctor will provide a diagnosis, and perhaps a change in medication ... in effect, again walking took an effort, and I also had to make an effort to bring up the energy and discipline to do my handstand(s),..., but finally I did it, and also I posted another drawing on instagram and facebook, indeed with some pride, to boost my self-esteem!
7/6: how long does it take to write a few note(s) ? ... note(s) about what ? ... you may ask, but why should you ask that, just read what is about to come next, like the question about walking... how long does it take to make a short walk in the park, as. I try to do daily, exercise therapy, you might say... but more importantly why is there a pression of time, when there is not so much that I have to do, no work, no school, no study, unlike the rest of my family, who all have the obligation to study, take exams, I just examine my self, but unfortunately I set my self goals that must be accomplished, it is my private joke song, a flame in the dark, you might call it my science of life, to go with the flow, keep busy in order to just let it go .., go with the flow, and ask yourself, well, does it work ?
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