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31/7:... back home, after almost three weeks in Greece, swimming, sunshine, but also suffering the heat, as well as the stiffness in my body, in doubt whether to write or not, but still decided to keep up my project(s), including the moral obligation(s), to exercise, and be active, in an as much as possible, creative way, even when in solitude pursuing the goals that suit my current age, not to avoid the challenges that come across my way, despite the strain, and possibly even the pain, or the burden imposed on my brain where it somehow requires more effort in orientation and movement, and where I have to focus to maintain my balance, often in doubt,-whether I do the right thing, as with my daily swim, but still happy to be able to join the family life, to connect, and control my life, also when it means, for now, a no to go ..., just to be clear, and wait, for the flow, with an eye for the future ... to go ! .
1/8:... when I sit in my corner at home and read, now about freedom and choice, I feel a bit cold, which is no surprise, since we are just back from our vacation in Greece, where it was warm and often even hot, spending time at the sea, just looking at the ripples of the waves, the lights shattered in a pattern of ever changing rhythms, reflecting the turbulence of my thoughts, after reading about the brain, from a neuro-surgeon in the final period of his life, a scientist who abandoned psychoanalysis in favor of science, in search of memory, two cultural therapists, discussing the effect of art and sensation, and a biographer exploring the mathemathicians mind, and with the pressing heat I sometimes touched my head, and wondered, what is this all doing to my brain, and still, now looking forward, with a touch of anxiety, to being on my own for about a week, I ask myself how will I deal with this all, the solitude of life, but happy my hearing is improved, and the answer is just take it slow, go with the flow !
4/8: in my last note(s), I forgot to mention the self-hypnosis book, of which, in particular the stop-smoking session had a remarkable impact, reminding me each time of the potential destructiveness of smoking, nevertheless, taking this for granted, I continue to smoke, also as a sign to myself, enjoying the moment of relaxation, reminding myself of the need to compensate for this addiction/habit by doing exercise, and to focus on breathing, also when sitting in my corner and reading a book, at times overwhelmed by a flash of memory from the past, and making_an effort to control my anxiety about the coming week of solitude, and the need to check my condition, which indeed leaves to be desired, not only in terms of energy, but also flexibility and endurance, which is part of the reason the girls went on their own to take a mountain hike, the other reason, of course, is more social, it is a an experiment in bonding, despite the potential conflict(s), and of course, for both, a test of endurance !
7/8:... back in the cave, with a restless mind, looking at the future, after reading about ambition(s), people with an impact on technology, a busy life, looking for innovation(s), and to make profit, in other words business, and of course money, but still with the intention to have a personal life of value, accepting the limitations of their effort(s) and the possible result(s), which depend to a large extent on how they judge the social context, and the options available to them, and, indeed, as I can attest personally, technology does have an impact, both as it functions in institutions, for example in a health check, with recently invented (radiation) technology, and in creative activity, where technology sets a challenge, at the risk of confusion, to produce high level work, but also to accept personal limitations, of knowledge and skill !
8/8:... still rather early in the morning, a few note(s), as a way to reflect on my current situation, sitting in my corner, in doubt whether to write or not .., about my hedonic adaptation(s), or, in other words, my tendency to take it easy, and prefer pleasure above effort, playing the pain game ... that is avoiding the discomfort of unnecessary action, hesitant to leave my comfort zone, in favor of something potentially more meaningful, but at the same time not really knowing what to do else, except focus on my posture and breathing, and feeling a bit envious about not joining the hike to the summit, which however, I must accept I am not able to do in my current condition, so instead I write to get an idea of what to do next, with the techno-sound of yesterday's check still in my mind, as a reflection of what you might call institutional violence, for the benefit of my body !
10/8. the day is almost at the end, and I set myself to some writing, in order to be productive in a creative way, possibly unconsciously encouraged by the impact of the number 10, now that mother and daughter are back from their hike to the summit, which ends a period of solitude, by having family life around me again even when I am in the middle of my thoughts, about life, and due to my reading about the mind of mathematics, which somehow also provides a way into mysticism, even if that is not the road to be taken, despite what social media, like facebook, have to report about that, my goal now is more to walk the talk, and even though I appreciate the knowledge that reading gives me, as well as the potential status I can gain from that, to maintain the energy to take action, to keep a level of performance, that gives me some self-esteem, and allows me to go with the flow !
12/8: observe :: poem -- electric word(s) :: there is no need to write, and if it were not for the date, containing my magic number 12, which forms the basis of my exercise(s) I probably would not write, even though there are good reasons to write, in a positive way, because I fortunately passed the latest health checks, which of course does not lessen the need for discipline in this respect, and of course there are the usual negative aspects, such as the dominance of the women in my life, that require me to write to be able to take distance, that is to let it go, or counter act with a functional level of (constructive) aggression, which if properly executed usually results in bonding, and, also worth writing about is that the pressure of time I felt these last days seems to be gone, so now I can turn my attention to new act of thought(s), and, go ..., so to speak, indeed, with the flow of life ! ...
14/8: reflection(s) ::... even after another domestic quarrel, I feel it as a moral obligation to write, as a way to take distance, and maintain my cool attitude, despite the emotion(s), and the criticism on my personality and my style of life, or, perhaps, rather my approach, that is how I deal with the problem(s) and dilemma(s) of life, for which I always considered to be perfect a hindrance, in conflict with the purpose of life, to be clear ... to be open to uncertainty is an essential element of the game of life, and part of the challenge(s) to face reality ... so, in summary, to express my confusion, I could write a poem depicting the current conflict(s), or an apology to defend my self, or even sketches of an autobiography,to explore my memory and to find the image(s) that depict my history ... in order to find a proper way to go on, that is, go with the flow ... even in solitude ... and experience.the fun of life !
16/8: monitor :: reflection(s) ... the whole day I have been in doubt whether to post the memory of a scribble (1/2) about writing on facebook, that is to share it, but I realized that I do not really have an audience that is interested in what I have to say, and, also in my current dis-connect, I prefer to maintain my role of invisible man, that is to stay out of vision and not promote any moral issue(s), such as the encouragement of writing and drawing, since both very often only are no more than a fake effort to create an image of action and energy, whereas in reality it is in effect just an attempt to get some attention from the outside world as a way to acquire some self-esteem, in other words an illusion of social benefit(s), or you might say an expression of anxiety, to which I also fall victim, for example by including photos in my cycle(s) more out of obligation thou inspiration ..., and, as you may observe, even the writing of this note is part of that, as another attempt ... to go with the flow !
21/8:... now what to do when I am disconnected from my server and annotation tool,..., well just go out and enjoy the theatre of life, in other words, wait, until the problem is solved!
22/8: scratch ... now everything goes wrong,.. I suddenly missed my remarkable pro, had a feeling of panic, went to the kitchen, and asked: where did you put my remarkable,?... apparently I also said: what did you do with my remarkable? ... and although it was not my intention to blame her, I was shocked and in panic. Then she.. got aggressive and pushed me away. The reason I asked her was that yesterday she spent hours rearranging the workspace, and even though I had the impression she did not touch that part, I thought she might have taken my favorite tool, that is the remarkable, away ... indeed, remarkable. The panic is partly caused by my not being able to connect with the VU server, making my annotation tool out of reach, disrupting my habit of writing, which makes me feel at a loss, as if I am out of work, without a goal in life, or a means of expression! ... there might be a benefit though, and that is that I can focus on other things, such as my condition, or another style of working, but the current situation might be such that non of these alternatives her may work and that my life is doomed to become meaningless. The only remedy on this case is to have some patience, perhaps apologize again and see where it goes, with or without flow!
24/8:... scribble or scratch, what shall it be today, or just some note(s), for the fun of it, after looking at the ships and the crowd, all those faces give me a sense of confusion, but the view was in some sense even spectacular, all the ships, many with a historical flavor, the buildings, typically luxury bourgeous housing, and the wide space( which somehow even gave me the feeling that I might enjoy living there, although, when I think of it, leaving our cosy small apartment in the Jordaan, where I now live for over 45 years, might turn into a disaster, even when not considering all the work that would have to be done, but perhaps more than that it might bring isolation, leading to a sense of insecurity, and also deprive me of my status ... since living here for so long I became a kind of icon, as testified by my daughter, who was often asked, with surprise, is that your father, to which she had only one answer: yes!
27/8: wait :: my life line --- why impose limit(s) on myself to write, now that my annotation tool is not available, due to the lack of service of. the VU, which is a shame in itself, but I refrain myself from complaining, and try to accept these limits, even recognizing on the positive side a freedom of no longer having to be productive in either writing or drawing, since due to my retirement; I have no obligation(s_, either practical or moral to take part in any work, unlen for some reason I feet the urge to engage in it, or, in case, unlikely as it may seem now, that either my writing or drawing may lead to a benefit, financially or otherwise, in that case,I would urge my self to go, go with the flow, the flow of money !
30/8:... another long day, most of it spent in my corner, reading about chance and necessity, from a biological perspective, to assess the value of human life, indeed also my life, about which I ask my self what choice(s) to make, how to deal with the children and how to manage my condition by exercise and outdoor walk(s), taking the opportunity to smoke and watch the clouds, as well as the people passing by, their face(s) and how they move, their range of energy, and the expression of their voice(s), while thinking about my social obligations and the need to connect to what is going on, the extent to which it is within my reach, considering my limited range of mobility, as well as my reduced interest, where I often prefer my solitude over the fun of social event(s), even though I try to stay rational and not avoid the adventure of life, indeed, to go with the flow!
I/9:... now there is still some time to write on my favorite tool, indeed remarkable, again in doubt what to write,-except for the key word(s): smile -- relax, which appeared in my facebook memory of today, and, in analogy with my phrase strength is a skill, I feel the need to practice my skill in writing, as a way to take distance and observe what happens in a more neutral way, not even so much by writing about these things, the children, domestic aggression, or the stupid way an institution can deal with issue(s) of importance, such as access to a service, and the like, but more, in a way, to focus on my stream(s) of thought, to find the line of my life in a flux of sensations, memories and even encounters with people, how I look at face(s), and try to read their intention(s), motivated by my wish and need for attention ... as well as, indeed, self- esteem, as a reward for my contribution(s) to the conversation, whether of value or not, intellectual, indeed, In search of respect, to follow the crowd and go with the flow ... just for the fun of it !
5/9: ... finally, my connection with the server fixed, time for another note, after posting a drawing, based on a facebook memory, with the children -- face reality, which already obtained two like(s)/love(s), surprisingly, for an attempt to pose as an artist, that is re-connect, after a period of solitude, self-imposed, to find a proper way to deal with my condition, and state of mind, that is the focus and strength, to cope with the issue(s) of life, indeed children, and face the reality of everyday life, which includes domestic affairs, work and school for the rest of the family and an agenda for myself to keep track of my obligation(s), including exercise and plan(s) for creative work, awaiting the arrival of my new drawing and writing tool ... for when I am on the move, indeed remarkable, now with additional cycle targets, that is not only write-cycle and life-cycle, but also scratch-cycle and screen-cycle, as another way to scribble, to develop a vision for the theatre of life, and go with the flow !
6/9: ... reflection(s) ... another long day, full of work, and a few walk(s), updating my cycle(s), notably scribble, scratch, screen and life-cycle, first in doubt whether I should join the girls for a movie, formula one ... but then I decided that it would be better to spend my day in solitude ... to work, reflect on the current state of affairs, and the issue(s) of importance, in particular how to improve my body condition and develop the discipline to do my exercise, upside-down, and walk, looking at the crowd and maintain my balance, in mind and body, in control of my energy and posture, that is, in other word(s), to walk the talk, as a form of meditation, reaching out for the void, counting my breath(s) and slowly move forward, adapting to the busy crowd, both my feet on the ground, on my way to a place to rest, have a smoke, and look at the clouds, preparing my self to go ... indeed, go with the flow !
8/9: a busy day, a very busy day,I may say, updating my cycle(s), a triangle discussion at the new school of my daughter, and for the other one it will be the day after tomorrow, where they have to explain and justify how independent they are, which, indeed,they are, needing me even less now they get older, independent, with more and more a rebel attitude, which, to be honest, I like, since it is a sign of their potention for survival, and even though it was a long walk to the school ... I did enjoy the effort, and fortunately there was no rain, only the pain to walk all the way, but enjoying the view ... and the talk was OK ... then for the rest of the day, I continued, posting an image of the sky on facebook, life - energy flow, and I a drawing of a family image -- Actualiteit, a memory, with the comment: children -- life adventure, in doubt whether I should write 'challenge or adventure, choosing for the latter, even though it is a challenge, to wait for my new tool, guide the children, and bring up the energy to go ... go with the (life) flow.!
12/9; so before writing my note(s), let's give the pro move a try, just taking, indeed, some notes, from scratch ... to see how it writes, changing the pen along the way, to find out how it is to take.notes with a portable device, wondering whether to put these in note(s) or in scratch, or perhaps both, and considering the future ... I am still in doubt how to use this device ... for drawing and writing while on the go ... indeed, go with the flow !
... after writing on my new portable PRO in scratch, a few more note(s) on my regular tablet, both to practice the skill of writing as well as feel the difference in what the larger size allows for, the movement of the hand(s), as well as the flow of thought considering the difference in manipulating the stylus, affecting the style, indeed, even if in an indirect way, anyhow this has been a busy week, with a bit of domestic tension, which was partly relieved by the trestment yesterday, which was- accompanied by a pleasant and open conversation, away from the domestic atmosphere, and the worry about the first school weeks of the children, and now with also most of the financial affairs arranged it is time for some focus and work, and for reading the book of the wandering monk, an adventure in itself, both as an autobiography as well as an interesting comment on the modern life style and the search for recognition and fame ...
13/9: another note in scratch ... a bit pain in the body, what to do, write ... draw, or read ... find some order in my thoughts, whatever works, or do exercise, indeed.-- again in doubt, not my usual thing, perhaps it is because of the rain.htm, but with the quote... no pain, no gain ... I continue with my life and try to adapt to the flow, and find the energy to go ! ... now, at the end of the day after two drawings (bike/rest) my last note, again on scratch, just to see how it works, creative, indeed, but not without stress, feeling the pressure of time to complete my tasks, and convince my self that I am still able to reach my goal(s) ... and have the discipline to do exercise, go outdoor, read, draw and write, and if you ask me why ... as an answer I might say, well, just to distract my mind, to forget the pain, and to maintain my effort(s) to take part in life, and, indeed, go with the flow !
14/9:... looking at my theme(s), my last task is to take some note(s) and ..., but actually I write this early in the morning, and not even today, when you look at the date, but tomorrow, the day after, since yesterday evening we had a long talk, about domestic life, the tension of work and ambition(s), the children, and the support of the oldest for math, which she might, indeed, need to pas this year's exam/s), where her rebel attitude, which I find amusing, will probably not work, ... well etc ... we did also talk about my condition, the way people look at me, and whether it would be possible to travel in china ... given the conventional attitude there, and her tendency to conform and blame ... she even challenged me to travel on my own, and, well, perhaps that is an option, when it is time to run away, away from the stress and domestic conflict(s), but first I have to finish my work ... life is not a joke !
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