... note(s) ...

              select ::  reflection(s)  / diary  /  quote(s) / scribble / etc   / ...

6/3: ... it is time to get back on track ... during and after our travel no writing, no drawing, only reading and thinking, about the issue(s) of life, dilemma(s), my physical condition, and of course politic(s) ... how to deal with situation(s) of conflict, which require the power to adapt, and face reality in a rational way, and at some point(s) a choice... between discipline and ambition(s), and of course my advice is clear ... walk slow and go with the flow ... even though, indeed, I might get lost in intellectualism(s), well, it is usually just a game of word(s), which may lead to confusion ... but that is my way to act, as a guide on the side ... I listen to the noise, and make a choice ... either for silence, or to use my voice, throw some word(s), and then wait ... but how do I know what to throw, and often I ask my self why even try ... and when I make an error, by ignorance or stupidity, there is only one answer, accept, reflect, value your failure(s), clear your mind, and continue, act slow, and, go with the, well by now you know, indeed, the flow ... the flow of life ...   

9/3: ... a busy mind, even though my life to well-organized, and there is nothing that really needs to be done, there is the pressure of time, do this, do that, but why, and what, not for the reward(s), but perhaps simply to have an empty todo list ... and a record of action(s) ... look, I did it ... like writing, another task, but it might howe value to express my doubt(s),... yesterday was women(s) day, I went to the place where there was a music and dance performance, in fear. to be an outsider, but I mixed with the crowd, surprisingly well, still I was in doubt and when the dancer came to me to pick a leaf of her body, I just gave her a look, in doubt what to do ... then she moved on ... doubt from a lack of vision, and not sure how to act, and before, in doubt whether to go or not, I did go, due to advice of my daughter, and together with my wife, it was a good experience, watch, have something to eat and talk, and after that walk home ... of course with some pain, but, you know ... no pain no gain ...   

11/3: ... writing at my desk, with support for my tool, a long time ago since I did that, usually I write in my corner, but now, after my meal, in doubt whether I should have taken the pizza instead of the sate, again in doubt, error after error. time to throw some word(s), in an attempt to embrace life and accept both my error(s) and my limit(s), but, indeed, failure -- try again, and let it go, take a breath and find the right posture, whatever the issue(s) are ... domestic conflicts, children at school, kempo politic(s), it doesn't matter, keep balance and the discipline to exercise, challenge your attitude and follow your inner guide(s), just manage your time flow, and look at your shadow mind, reflect on your experience(s) and embrace life, tomorrow is another day, well, no comment on that, just focus attention on what is of value, connect and join the party, frame your goal(s), and face reality, and in case of error(s), again, adapt, set limits, and get the work done, control your effort(s), and listen to the music set by your theme(s), so if you think I talk to myself, you're right, but you may read it like a joke song ... flame ... the brain on fire ...   

14/3:... another day, what can I say ... het viel wel mee ... a confrontation with my history, a flash of memory, recollection(s) from my kempo past, being part of the tough guys, well, you know, rebel go for it, in other word(s). part of the crowd... in search of... what ... what was it that gave us the power, the energy, the dedication and motivation to train kempo ... a slow, almost invisible process of growth, which gave each of us a community that had a positive impact on our self-esteem and gave us the force we needed to deal with the confrontation(s) and conflict(s) in our life ... any way, all I can say, I did it my way, and apart from my memory, at my age I can still practice, but now as a guide on the side, give advice, throw some word(s), and, indeed, that is why I write ... to be able to talk the walk, and strumble along ... to assist other people to find the way ... and show how to go with the flow ... the flow of kempo ...   

15/3:... why write ... the more I read about writing ... and to be honest I find I read too much, in my home corner, book after book, .. it takes discipline to get out and walk, a moral obligation, day by day, today to the park, and I was in doubt, but I did not take the fly wheel ... instead, I look at the crowd, make an effort to keep my balance, and find a place to smoke, after all, you know, life is not a joke, and with a busy mind, money issue(s), what to eat, where to go, the answer to my question is clear ... just throw some word(s) , to create the image(s) for my self that I take action, and in a way, just to write what you have to say, with the pen in the hand, gives some relief ... from the pressure(s) of the day, and once more I can say, to complete my creative task(s), to end the day, in an intellectual way, take distance from the affair(s) and the demand(s) of life, a reflection in word(s), to set the theme(s) for the future, and let the stream of thought(s) out, to find the way ... to continue ... in other word(s), to throw, indeed, is a way to go with the flow ... the flow of life ...   

16/3:... to continue the question(s) ... why... why this, why that .. or, differently ... why not this, why not that ... or, why this and not that ... well, it is just a game of word(s), an excuse to write down whatever comes to mind, not as a craft, but more a joke of some kind, throw word(s) just for the fun of it, but to be more serious, indeed, why write .. and if so, what to write ... and, as I indicated, after reading so much about writing it also means what not to write ... if I take as a question why die, the answer is clear, it is to allow ourselves the gift of fear, to transform the anxiety and stress of life into a positive experience, by posture and breath, to challenge your attitude, set your goal(s), and, despite the pain, gain the reward(s) ... in other word(s), face reality and be happy with a zen state of mind ... a clear vision that allows you to follow the power line ... so, what I will not write about, for now, is the details of my daily affair(s), the sense perception(s) of what I observe, the story of my life ... well perhaps in the future, for now it is just a way to take some distance, throw some word(s) ... indeed, just for the fun of it ...   

18/3:... election day, it is a matter of choice, politic(s) ... again, I was in doubt, but I am happy I was corrected by my wife, who did select the local candidate  I had an eye on, that is life, and after that we sat on the market place, with something to eat and had a talk, about a new patient who is close to death ... take it as an experience, was my advice ... a busy life ... the children at school ... they do the work, all of them ... a lot ... well, this could be part of a story, but, no, it has no plot ,.. just one of the event(s) of daily life ... I look at my todo list,. not a busy life, but still things to do ... face reality ... meet people, go training, and, apart from reading my book(s), I try to bring up the discipline to do my exercise(s), find the power line and balance ... another task I set myself, even though I feel old and suffer from the cold, and to repeat my refrain, no pain no gain, and one way or another it almost sounds like my life story ... but, indeed, where is the plot ...  

20/3:... when I think about a plot, it is a story line, or rather my position in a social structure ... how do I fit in, while still being able to observe and reflect, have a role and yet at the same time to be able to act as a rebel ... not fight, but rather make a joke, and sing my song, in short I go along, but do it my way, I wait for the opportunity ... a game of chance ... not so much for the reward(s) as for the challenge(s), as with children, my role is to support them, to make them independent, and fit for survival ... I am happy when they have fun.... and I benefit from their energy ... it gives value to my life ... happy though I do not have the obligation(s) to work for school ... let them learn, so I can have my life, and with some discipline I do my exercise and reflect on what is in my mind, day by day, I still read a lot, and think about the plot, the plot of my life, family life, with children and a wife ...   

21/3:... another day, again, what is there to say, I read a lot... invisible man ... and think about the plot ... I write a bit, just for the fun of it .. a recurrent memory is that I enter the room of my philosopy professor, and I hear him say... forget yourself, that is the advice ... good eh ... yes, it is from Goethe ... well you know who that is ... and, indeed, to forget my self and just pay attention to my environment ... it is like meditation with an open focus ... to forget the pain ... in a different context I used to say ... ignorance is bliss ... to sell my approach of how to program a computer ... in daily life it means for me, keep it simple ... which is not easy ... it is the no-mind attitude of zen, take life step by step, adapt by intuition and let yourself go ... indeed go with the flow ... and, in my current condition, I look for the right posture to adapt to the pain, for this I do not need a needle in my brain, but just to know, that with some effort(s), I forget myself, and go with the flow ...   

23/3: .. a busy day, get up, do my exercise, check the children, look at my bank account, transfer money, talk with the mother of my son ... about finding a place in life, her visit together with his daughter, the tension between them and his new partner, and, indeed, getting old is not an easy thing, we suffer from the pain in our body, adapt to situations/ of stress, create an image of well-being, and make efforts) to create or find value in life, in other word(s), we still play the game of life, in whatever way we can, sharing the memory of our life of the past, and the future of our son ... well just wait and see .. then after finishing the invisible man, I took a look at AI as a tool for my exploration(s) in writing and drawing, but I think it might be a waste of time, my own tool(s) give me more than what I see available, but a bit of knowledge will not harm me ... and as a surprise, I might say, I took a long walk with my wife yesterday ... she took a photo of me, an old man on a tree ...   

25/3:... just when I had the plan to start writing, I got lost in a math problem on facebook, and to my surprise I did learn something new, the effect of a minus power, which results in a division, anyhow surprise is an essential element of life ... in doubt whether to make a drawing of the image where I sit on a tree, after some thought I did it, and posted it on social media, facebook and instagram, and to my surprise, within an hour both got four like(s) ... surprise, indeed, and I am happy I made the effort(s), it did contribute to my self-esteem, and gives value to my motto ... monitor -- life pattern ,.. now, still in search of balance, and struggling with my condition, I write a bit, for the fun of it, and think of my story line ... not to write a poem, or an autobiography, no,that is not for me, too much work, I prefer to take it easy, throw some word(s), and, what can I say, go with the flow, like music, day by day ...   

27/3: ... it is difficult to select a pattern of life, face the dilemma(s) and make a choice ... how to act, what to eat, where to go, adapt to the flow ... well, as you know life is not a joke, and, indeed, that is why I smoke ... but still it is not easy to face reality, and walk the talk, but despite the pain, I try not to complain, not about the problem(s),the domestic tension(s),the attitude of the children, there is no gain ... when I go out, I watch the crowd, and try to find a sense of self, find my place ... how do I deal with stress, money issue(s) ... my position in life, my role in the family, and ask my self about my future, how to find the proper form to get my work done, and I see myself in the forest, lost, in thought(s), in search of balance ... remember the sea ... but wait, there is more to say, there are but a few option(s), live by the day, accept my limit/s) and use my voice, speak clear ... and throw some word(s) to write what I did not want to say ... well, you know ... that is my way .... to go with the flow ...   

28/3: ... what is the story line of my life... when I listen to music, with a busy mind, I wait for the chance event(s) to guide me to the shadow dream(s) that inspire me and reflect on my education history, and my effort(s) to avoid the trap(s) of a serious life ... solitude, silence ... I do it my way ... and observe the busy crowd, I watch, sing my song ... life is not a joke ... well, you know the rest ... etc ... remember .. I sit on a tree ... write a black diary ... virtual poetry ... the sea ... my history ... children, education(s), work, domestic affair(s) ... it is all part of me ... and what I select ... my way of life ... my style ... create an image to define my role, and use my voice, to speak clear, make some noise ... to find the form and pattern for my story line ... remember my song ... to guide my attitude I experiment with my sense of self, take a forest walk, face the challenge(s), find closure and listen to the signal(s) that guide me in conflict(s) ... and observe the dance of anger, the trigger point(s),the noise ... and act to restore communication(s), find balance and enjoy the theatre of life ...   

30/3:... a bit lost in doubt, whether I eat too much, go out or not, what to read, and, indeed, whether to write ... perhaps it is the cold, that makes me feel old, stiff in the body, I feel it even in my hand(s) ... a busy mind, stress,.. well, the cure is simple ... breathe, exercise, and find the right posture ... in other word(s), it is a matter of discipline ... focus attention and face reality ... these item(s) are or my todo list ... and to inspire my attitude I select :: teach -- martial dragon ... as a mission for myself, to set goal(s) for the future ... to present an image to support self-regulation ... to write about it is one way to confront my self with my intention(s) and reflect on what is in my mind ... or is it just a way to kill time, and give the impression I am not a fool, look how I use my tool(s), to put my self on the intellectual map, even though I know it is just a stupid trap ...   

1/4: ... late in the evening, I listen to the noise, the hair dryer of my daughter, just finished another book ... tender is the night ... about relationship(s), family life, travel and money issue(s) ... it did grab me more than I expected, with structure and a story line ... self-control, relation(s) and manipulation(s) ... many complex word(s), that I had to look up ... it made me think of my own life, the search for identity, and my current struggle(s), domestic affair(s), the dance(s) of anger, children ... anyway, what can I say, there is energy, every day ... and when I write about it, I must admit that there is value ... life goes on, I just have to manage it, and find a vision and strategy as well as discipline and focus to deal with the dilemma(s) and pay attention to habit(s) and pattern(s) ... challenge attitude(s) ... face reality in a rational way ... throw some word(s), free the mind, and use my voice to say what I have to say ... spring time ...   

4/4: reflection(s) ... a life of writing ... how would that be... sit in a chair, my notebook on the table, then page after page, I write a bit, just for the fun of it, a scratch now and then or a scribble, it does not matter, as long a I put, so to say word(s) on paper, or my notebook, day by day ... of course there is a choice, I could write another number 10 with my pen or an extension of my black diary, make it into a manuscript and publish it, as a book, which would support, no doubt, my self esteem, I could even try to write a novel, but then I have to think of a story line, a strategy of writing ... that would take a lot of time, and I am afraid I am too much of an intellectual for that, also I am a bit lazy, I never did like to work in a serious way, also in my career I did just play a bit with it, on impulse, without much thought, to confirm my value and identity, and get the reward(s), respect and money ... so my advice, what I say, find your game and play, day by day ...