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31/7:... back home, after almost three weeks in Greece, swimming, sunshine, but also suffering the heat, as well as the stiffness in my body, in doubt whether to write or not, but still decided to keep up my project(s), including the moral obligation(s), to exercise, and be active, in an as much as possible, creative way, even when in solitude pursuing the goals that suit my current age, not to avoid the challenges that come across my way, despite the strain, and possibly even the pain, or the burden imposed on my brain where it somehow requires more effort in orientation and movement, and where I have to focus to maintain my balance, often in doubt,-whether I do the right thing, as with my daily swim, but still happy to be able to join the family life, to connect, and control my life, also when it means, for now, a no to go ..., just to be clear, and wait, for the flow, with an eye for the future ... to go ! .
1/8:... when I sit in my corner at home and read, now about freedom and choice, I feel a bit cold, which is no surprise, since we are just back from our vacation in Greece, where it was warm and often even hot, spending time at the sea, just looking at the ripples of the waves, the lights shattered in a pattern of ever changing rhythms, reflecting the turbulence of my thoughts, after reading about the brain, from a neuro-surgeon in the final period of his life, a scientist who abandoned psychoanalysis in favor of science, in search of memory, two cultural therapists, discussing the effect of art and sensation, and a biographer exploring the mathemathicians mind, and with the pressing heat I sometimes touched my head, and wondered, what is this all doing to my brain, and still, now looking forward, with a touch of anxiety, to being on my own for about a week, I ask myself how will I deal with this all, the solitude of life, but happy my hearing is improved, and the answer is just take it slow, go with the flow !
4/8: in my last note(s), I forgot to mention the self-hypnosis book, of which, in particular the stop-smoking session had a remarkable impact, reminding me each time of the potential destructiveness of smoking, nevertheless, taking this for granted, I continue to smoke, also as a sign to myself, enjoying the moment of relaxation, reminding myself of the need to compensate for this addiction/habit by doing exercise, and to focus on breathing, also when sitting in my corner and reading a book, at times overwhelmed by a flash of memory from the past, and making_an effort to control my anxiety about the coming week of solitude, and the need to check my condition, which indeed leaves to be desired, not only in terms of energy, but also flexibility and endurance, which is part of the reason the girls went on their own to take a mountain hike, the other reason, of course, is more social, it is a an experiment in bonding, despite the potential conflict(s), and of course, for both, a test of endurance !
7/8:... back in the cave, with a restless mind, looking at the future, after reading about ambition(s), people with an impact on technology, a busy life, looking for innovation(s), and to make profit, in other words business, and of course money, but still with the intention to have a personal life of value, accepting the limitations of their effort(s) and the possible result(s), which depend to a large extent on how they judge the social context, and the options available to them, and, indeed, as I can attest personally, technology does have an impact, both as it functions in institutions, for example in a health check, with recently invented (radiation) technology, and in creative activity, where technology sets a challenge, at the risk of confusion, to produce high level work, but also to accept personal limitations, of knowledge and skill !
8/8:... still rather early in the morning, a few note(s), as a way to reflect on my current situation, sitting in my corner, in doubt whether to write or not .., about my hedonic adaptation(s), or, in other words, my tendency to take it easy, and prefer pleasure above effort, playing the pain game ... that is avoiding the discomfort of unnecessary action, hesitant to leave my comfort zone, in favor of something potentially more meaningful, but at the same time not really knowing what to do else, except focus on my posture and breathing, and feeling a bit envious about not joining the hike to the summit, which however, I must accept I am not able to do in my current condition, so instead I write to get an idea of what to do next, with the techno-sound of yesterday's check still in my mind, as a reflection of what you might call institutional violence, for the benefit of my body !
10/8. the day is almost at the end, and I set myself to some writing, in order to be productive in a creative way, possibly unconsciously encouraged by the impact of the number 10, now that mother and daughter are back from their hike to the summit, which ends a period of solitude, by having family life around me again even when I am in the middle of my thoughts, about life, and due to my reading about the mind of mathematics, which somehow also provides a way into mysticism, even if that is not the road to be taken, despite what social media, like facebook, have to report about that, my goal now is more to walk the talk, and even though I appreciate the knowledge that reading gives me, as well as the potential status I can gain from that, to maintain the energy to take action, to keep a level of performance, that gives me some self-esteem, and allows me to go with the flow !
12/8: observe :: poem -- electric word(s) :: there is no need to write, and if it were not for the date, containing my magic number 12, which forms the basis of my exercise(s) I probably would not write, even though there are good reasons to write, in a positive way, because I fortunately passed the latest health checks, which of course does not lessen the need for discipline in this respect, and of course there are the usual negative aspects, such as the dominance of the women in my life, that require me to write to be able to take distance, that is to let it go, or counter act with a functional level of (constructive) aggression, which if properly executed usually results in bonding, and, also worth writing about is that the pressure of time I felt these last days seems to be gone, so now I can turn my attention to new act of thought(s), and, go ..., so to speak, indeed, with the flow of life ! ...
14/8: reflection(s) ::... even after another domestic quarrel, I feel it as a moral obligation to write, as a way to take distance, and maintain my cool attitude, despite the emotion(s), and the criticism on my personality and my style of life, or, perhaps, rather my approach, that is how I deal with the problem(s) and dilemma(s) of life, for which I always considered to be perfect a hindrance, in conflict with the purpose of life, to be clear ... to be open to uncertainty is an essential element of the game of life, and part of the challenge(s) to face reality ... so, in summary, to express my confusion, I could write a poem depicting the current conflict(s), or an apology to defend my self, or even sketches of an autobiography,to explore my memory and to find the image(s) that depict my history ... in order to find a proper way to go on, that is, go with the flow ... even in solitude ... and experience.the fun of life !
16/8: monitor :: reflection(s) ... the whole day I have been in doubt whether to post the memory of a scribble (1/2) about writing on facebook, that is to share it, but I realized that I do not really have an audience that is interested in what I have to say, and, also in my current dis-connect, I prefer to maintain my role of invisible man, that is to stay out of vision and not promote any moral issue(s), such as the encouragement of writing and drawing, since both very often only are no more than a fake effort to create an image of action and energy, whereas in reality it is in effect just an attempt to get some attention from the outside world as a way to acquire some self-esteem, in other words an illusion of social benefit(s), or you might say an expression of anxiety, to which I also fall victim, for example by including photos in my cycle(s) more out of obligation thou inspiration ..., and, as you may observe, even the writing of this note is part of that, as another attempt ... to go with the flow !
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