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7/6: how long does it take to write a few note(s) ? ... note(s) about what ? ... you may ask, but why should you ask that, just read what is about to come next, like the question about walking... how long does it take to make a short walk in the park, as. I try to do daily, exercise therapy, you might say... but more importantly why is there a pression of time, when there is not so much that I have to do, no work, no school, no study, unlike the rest of my family, who all have the obligation to study, take exams, I just examine my self, but unfortunately I set my self goals that must be accomplished, it is my private joke song, a flame in the dark, you might call it my science of life, to go with the flow, keep busy in order to just let it go .., go with the flow, and ask yourself, well, does it work ? ...
13/6:... day after day, life continues ... for the past three weeks I have been busy with work on updating my site and creating my annotation tool, finally every thing seems as good as finished, and instead of my exercises, I now use writing as my therapy, for whatever it is worth ... anyway the last week has been extremely tiring, with the parents meeting in the park, the get 55+ people to move and administrative issues, such as my tax payment, which I did today, in the positive side, I am happy I met all my moral obligations this week, including teaching martial art to the elderly ladies in the dojo, another challenge, and in some sense an adventure needed to keep up my status and contribute to what I may call community work, needed to keep on going with life and not to become and outsider, other than by making an explicit choice for ... solitude !
18/6:... all the work done, sitting in my corner, reading the mathematics of marriage, as a means, also, to judge the current condition of being together, now more than twenty years, with the children growing up, and we, both, in the process of aging, which has an impact on both our health and energy, and, naturally takes some energy to cope with,::: : At times I wonder where this all leads, but since it is impossible to know what the future brings, this question makes no sense, and we will both have to see what the future brings, and go with the flow, indeed the flow of life, even if it takes an effort, but as we are both smart people it seems, the effort can be reduced, as, for example my annotation tool does the work for writing text, and the artificial intelligence in chatGTP does at least some of the thinking in the medical field, right or wrong!
22/6:.. children are playing outside, making noise as children are supposed to do, I sit inside, in my corner, having just finished reading the mathematics of marriage, for the second time to be able to answer more detailed questions, when needed, a bit in doubt whether to go out or not, which might be too much of a moral obligation without much satisfaction or pleasure in the act itself, so what to do, on to the next book, take some rest, or, indeed do a bit of writing, as an exercise, for fun, and to test my annotation tool, accepting the fact that I do not go out, do almost no exercise, and just enjoy being mentally active in my corner, my life in the home cave as it were, taking the time to do the things that one way or another have to be done, in other words, the life of an intellectual, taking profit of the right to be an outsider, and still enjoying family life ... !
27/6: a.. finally, after reading -- on aggression --, and meeting my wife after her exam, and, incidentally talking to my kempo friend, who passed by with his dog, I sit down in my corner to write, long planned, but postponed, time after time, with the excuse of other things to do, like finishing a book, or doing some domestic or administrative chores, but, basically also, feeling a bit uninspired, tired after working for a long time on my annotation tool, and also mentally a bit on the edge, having reached the limit of my inspiration, and lacking the energy to feel the motivation to be creative, and in some sense even lacking a target. towards which I wanted to direct my thoughts, rather staying in a mood of disconnection than directly focus on a topic of interest, and state my opinion(s) ... !
28/6: a long detour, starting with a dance performance, reading about dance therapy, hypnotic induction, self-hypnosis, the mind's eye, that is how the brain performs it's funtion of monitoring us, the mystical pathways, or how spiritual experience(s) results from trans-cranial crossing, that is cross-hemispheric activations, the current trend(s) of AI, that is chatGTP, and, after talking to some nerdy parents, rereading the mathematics of marriage, followed by a treatise on aggression, elucidating that aggression is crucial in creating human bonds, and apart from reading, there was of course also the work on my annotation tool, and the creation of many pages with word themes, that is a play with simple phrases and words, and now sitting in my corner, after dealing with some political issue(s), trying to relax, happy that my wife finished her exams, preparing myself for the coming holidays, the challenge of travel ... !
30/6:... it is getting late in the evening, the children are just back home, and my wife is sitting in the kitchen, eating after another long day of teaching, how I admire their energy, where I have to make an effort with about everything I do, like, just a moment ago, putting the garbage outside, carrying two bags down the stairs, and then back up, sitting down to take off my shoes, slowly breathing, indeed, the heat makes everything very exhausting, even though I can stand the heat quite well, but still it was a very exhausting day, but also very productive with reading, two drawings, another theme page, and now I am writing another note ... I even went shopping this morning, to buy the usual stuff, cheese, bread, yoghurt and, of course cookies. Now, tomorrow will be even hotter, I plan to go training but I would not be surprised if the training is canceled and the exams that are planned postponed !
2/7:... time for some note(s), to meet my daily obligation to write or draw, that is to use my hand(s) to express my self, indendent how I feel or what I think, with at this stage is mainly focussed on solitude and the thought of survival, in relation to heat, pressure and mental stress, as it occurs in the vision of the mind's eye ... then after writing, and processing the written words with my annotation tool, there will be the doubt, no doubt, whether to go out or not, even though it is hot, and I even consider to take the bike, to take a ride, but that might also be too much of a challenge, for both my condition and my balance, as well as for my orientation in space( and, indeed, I should not set my ambitions too high, accept my condition, and be modest in my objective(s), enough is enough, even when considered from the perspective of discipline, what can I add to that, except that, indeed, life goes on, just go with the flow ...
3/7:... reflection(s)... I am a bit in doubt whether to share a memory on facebook, or not, it is the statue that I associate with a moral voice, near the park, the caption could be monitor - warrior fight-manual, but my doubt concerns my intention to play, in a way, the invisible man, and posting it would, obviously, contradict this, showing instead my need for attention and respect, even though my current condition is perhaps not fit to engage in an actual fight, although perhaps now more than ever I need the attitude to stand up for my right, and indeed, fight and write, and both promote and cultivate the martial art(s) as a way of life, enabling one to engage with and confront the dilemmas and issues of our personal, that is both domestic and social life, and be able to face such confrontation(s) with both vitality and patience, or resilience, to be able to look for viable solutions, in the spirit of go kempo ...
4/7: I am now at a point, where I, indeed, as the memory indicated, need energy in action, as a way out of the current confusion, where I am easily in doubt, and afraid to make error(s), which of course I do, but, as I used to frame it. failure(s) are unavoidable, and provide an opportunity to do better, so an error is not a failure, paradoxically, but the origin of a better performance, if seen from a future perspective, it is part of finding an equilibrium in life, the power of the dark side, building upon the force, needed to fight the issue(s) of life, finding the form and function to take action, and walk the talk ... observing the crucial elements needed to act in accordance with the circumstances and the actual context in which events take place, a reflection on which is needed to face reality in a proper way, and find an answer to the question(s) at hand !
6/7: .... another day, watching a movie, dream(s), and made another drawing, after the birthday party, in doubt whether to label it children - face reality, or children -- party fun, I chose for the latter in order not to be ironic, and I also did not substitute children for energy, because to me that sounds to positive, or naive, if you wish, even though it certainly has some truth in it, all in all I find life a bit tiresome, but I put my self to the challenge, by writing, drawing, going along with the demands of daily life, and I at least make an attempt to give some flavor of creativity or spontaneity to it, even though it takes an effort, not only to do it, but also to believe in it .., the best strategy in such circumstances is, I think, not to set my expectations too high, nor try at all costs to avoid doing these things, celebrating my solitude in a way that would in the end be purely destructive, so in other words, just go with the flow, well you know ...
7/7: .... we are near the end of the school year, preparing for vacation, so I went out to buy tobacco, enough for a few weeks, but when I got back I was treated in an unfriendly way, why not plan my going out in a different way, well, part of it is the timing of the market, and part of it is my own timing, ... the same thing happened a bit later, when I finished working on my life cycle, again unfriendly remarks, but I avoided the confrontation, indeed, not being in a good mood, in doubt about many things, my life, whether I should do exercise(s) or not, what to read, what to draw, and, indeed, again what to write, in other words life takes an effort, and I make a serious attempt to keep up with it, despite my mood, my low condition, and my doubt(s) about how to continue all this, so let's take it step by step, and go with the flow, avoid taking action(s) that are either too radical or risky, or altogether to disruptive to make sense, after all life is a struggle, and the goal is not only to survive but even improve the condition(s) of life itself, with children and family !
8/7: ... again the end of another day, with still a bit of time to write, and considering the number of note(s) so far written, almost a moral obligation to write again although the purpose seems a bit unclear, but then again writing is writing, an exercise of hand and spirit, ken zen pen ichi nyo, in other words write and fight, even though the actual kempo training is less inspiring than in my experience from the past, where indeed, I often acted like a show-off, to experience the performance trance that was at the time, for me at least, dominant in our training sessions, inspired by our sensei, who was an actor, ... now, on the other hand, I enjoy the experience of being the guide on the side, looking at, and instructing other people, still showing my skill(s) by inflicting pain, that they accept with a grimace of joy on their face, especially when I explain that I bring about the pain by aiming at their brain, ... again I admire their energy and enjoy the pleasure they obtain from training, and to finish this note, my last words act as a signal -- go for it!
9/7: again in doubt whether to write, or not, another attempt to clarify my mind and prepare myself for the event(s) to come, including the coming holiday travel, as well as the time after that, which I will likely spent for a significant time in solitude, surely it will take an effort to go through this period, but it might also have an advantage in terms of autonomy, and decision(s) how to spent my time, perhaps taking up another project, such as writing my autobiography, although all in all that seems unlikely, as I am not so much into making a list of everything that happened in my life, even though, as often happens now, my memory of some particular place(s) or event(s) infringes on my mind, disrupting even the normal flow of life, forcing me to focus with explicit concentration on the things that happen now, and must be taken care of, so even if I complain about the pain, this is all in vain, there is no gain, the only option is. to remain in a state of mind that allows me to obtain the results I want, and go, as I said before, with the flow of life !
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