2/1: Another year, the second day. Writing is still possible, with my new eye, waiting for clear vision when the other eye is repaired as well, despite the fact that I cannot do my (upside-down) exercise for another ten days after that, feeling the effort that is required to take it up again, now, almost two weeks after the first operation. So, the question is, am I ready for another journey to the end of the year!
3/1:... A mouse in the house ... at least one found dead, but there may be more, so the house is a chaos, disrupted, in order to catch the mouse, preferably all of them, You never can tell, it might work, it might not. A fundamental, but somewhat dominant style of approach. Not my style, that is for sure, but I try to adapt. This has been my life for the past few years. I am willing to pursue it, to continue to adapt to the wishes and preferences of my family, but, if that is to succeed, I need to have the discipline to do my exercise, keep training kempo, and construct my own life, also outdoor, and of course, I could have said more!
16/1: Yesterday I went to a concert. organized by a friend, who wants his son to become a professional guitar player. His son is playing very intensely, likely to find comfort from the recent loss of his mother. However, the most impressive event in the concert was the performance of a nineteen year old soprano, already classified as a super talent. Her voice was impressive, as was her figure, in other words this was a total performance. I immediately fell in love with her, and even managed to talk with her after the concert with, as fits a dirty old man, lightly touching her. Also talking with the boy, advising him to be a rebel, was pleasing, and rewarded from his side with what seemed to be appreciative attention. Afterwards, returning home, it was difficult to fall asleep, as I was drawn in erotic phantasies, with energy bubbling up in a uncontrollable way. At that moment I was happy my wife was away, and I pondered about our life, and how it would be to live on my own. Different,, no doubt, but not necessarily in only a positive way. Unlikely my solitude would be broken, very often, as it was yesterday. Today, my daughter has pain in her knee, and did not go to school. I further refined my image by trimming my beard a little, struggling with my essential nature, and crawling in front of the golden gate. Life goes on, and I have to deal with it, at least until my wife is back!
21/1: There are many things to write about, but I prefer to keep it short, In a list:
My son did not contact me! Why?
My daughter is crazy with her dog, super-tense, but on the surface stable! How long will it last, and where does it go?
My wife is back from Mexico, had a good time on her own. Solitary, it seems, as an escape, temporarily, from a demanding domestic and work life, and not to forget, becoming a middle aged woman! Was she really able to forget herself while travelling?
I am getting old, and suffer from the cold! Will exercise and occasional writing help to deal with these aging issues?
My 'eye sight improved. Will it be stable or perhaps even become better?
It took an effort to turn the page! Why is that?
And, finally, the children are doing OK, and we managed to get very harmoniously through the period that their mother was away. My daughter has a. problem with her knee and upper leg, but sofar she manages to deal with it in a satisfying way, walking slowly with care. I hope that will not be disrupted by her mother, who whishes to go to the core of the problem, and even plans an MRI scan. My youngest seems cheerful, but also has a calculating mind, looking for options and opportunities! For both, will they continue to be happy and perform well at school?
Now, to all this there is but one solution: WAIT & SEE!
22/1: Will it flip, or not? Only with trouble, it takes too much effort, let's try again! Anyway, it is still a writing pad!
29/1: Will it flip? Well, apparently not, so I just have to use the menu!
28/1: Work on digital immortality!
17/2. I've set the alarm at 5.55. To get up early, do some exercise, probably one round only, and then I will have to go to Schiphol to catch my plane to Bilbao, via Santiage de Compostela. I take this plane, because I was refused to enter the plane to Bilbao today because my name on the ticket missed three letters, ius, the latinization of my first name. The black women refused to let me in, saying I take the decisions, and not even allows us to get the opinion of a superior, or even her colleagues, who only could utter the words "these are the rules imposed by the airline company"! What could we do? My wife refrained me from making trouble, and I adviced her to leave with the kids, and look for possible options later in the day. On the positive side, I thought, this means I can read my Kierkegaard, and I don't have to walk mountain trails or speed up in the city. A relief, because somehow I have stiff legs and feel pain in my feet. A rather humbling fact for a former barefoot marathon runner. But being refused for a flight, somehow gives another push to my identity issues, since it made me even more clearly recognize my depency on my wife and the kids, allowing me to follow their trail. Another issue came up with the security check, when being body-searched by a security guard due to my S-ICD, something I almost enjoyed, even though I disliked the guy, with the grey beard and mustache, who pretended to take his job seriously but might well have played a joke on me. After this experience, the refusal to enter on board of the airplane was a true surprise, hard to believe that I actually happened, when I was on my own walking to the exit. Now, tomorrow, I have to prove that I can do it on my own, enter the boarding area, passing the security guard, and find the gate. Not a gateless gate, but the actual gate from where my plane leaves Amsterdam for Santiago. The least I can do is get there on time, and that is why I set my alarm!
2/3: The urge to write, I stay alive, must not be suppressed, not for reasons of the constraints, not for reasons of utilitarian value, and certainly not for the feeling of it being a superfluous activity. Writing is, in our highly technologized society, of exceptional importance for keeping a sense of identity and focus upon the important things in life, the sensations, emotions and the issues that occur in managing the issues that occur and manoevre around the obstacles that prevent a smooth flow of activity in the course of our life, either obstacles from the past, or those of the present, due to family affairs, children, or just plain issues of existence and security, financial or other wise. To conclude this brief fragment, I can only repeat what I have often said before, writingy allows me to take distance, and either to talk my way out of it, that is the things that happen, or talk my way into it, that is 'events or opportunities that look promising. In other words, writing allows me to reap the benefits of my education, being one of the best educated stupid people around!
6/3: Pffh, write, for what, to relieve the tension, express my self, or solve problems,... there must be a reason, if only simply to practice a convenient tool of communication, and keep track of the whirlings of the mind! And, indeed, as advertised in facebook, the remarkable is a convenient tool for writing, remarkable, isn't it? The last days were dominated by work, applying for my id-card, filling in the tax-forms, contacting schools as a replacement school for my daughter next year, and meanwhile suffering from insults and complaints, We are still together, but sometimes I doubt for how long I can stand her negative attitude towards me, and her non-stop criticism and correcting my behavior. There is a limit, and I will keep a strict eye on not being trespassed on what I consider to be my own space. Indeed by writing.. What is the use of breathing, I might also ask, Well the answer is simple, to keep my self alive and find calm and rest even in the obligation and trouble of daily life!
11/3: Finally, some time to work, although not sure if I have the energy to do so, immerse myself in the (digital) technology needed to express myself, not to lose the habit of taking distance by writing, jotting words on the page as a complement to my disciplinary handstands, another form of therapy to maintain balance and stay cool, in face of a reality that forces me to take action and be calm to address the challenges and circumvent the obstacles that come with aging and family life, such as those relating to school achievement and health issues, from myself, the children and, of course, my wife. Indeed, many voluntarily imposed, as a result of ambition, but nevertheless also valuable as a way to gain self-esteem and find meaning in life!
16/3: Confessions: reading something I only half understand, I feel I clearly reached my limit, we should focus, not on impressing others with my knowledge, although this might still be worthwhile once and a while, but on writing and learn about things that really matter to me, that is which connect to my direct experience and to the practical matters of my life, that is keeping balance, maintain a proper level of energy, raising children, and, of course, what else, meeting my domestic tasks, avoiding or circumventing the annoyance and criticism of my wife. As I have often said before, writing allows me to take some distance, from my life, the pain in my body, and the issues that go around in my mind, such as whether I go to the theater play "doubt phobe" in Frascati, in which a fellow kenshi takes part in a physical theatre performance. The choice is go and leave my daughter on her own, or not go and avoid the physical exertion of going there in the night, with all the risk a night walk in the center of Amsterdam might bring, as well as to stay away from an arty scene that might bring me to behavior that I would rather like to avoid. At the age of 72, my wild life belongs to the past, and I should be careful, I think, to screw up a domestic situation that brings me many benefits! What-do you think? This, as a question to my anonymous referee! Indeed, it might be better to stick with my image, playing the invisible man!
17/3: When in doubt -- twijfel! Indeed, I missed the performance: commitment phobe, in Frascati, partly to stay at home with my daughter, not to leave her alone, and partly to avoid the effort of walking there and be part of an audience, but also to avoid the risk, both the risk of walking, or stumbling, on my own, on the street in the center of Amsterdam, on a weekend night, when all kinds of people are around, in other words the risk of trouble, or even being attacked, as well as to avoid the risk of getting involved in a group of people that might seduce me to behavior I would regret, if only for the consequences it might have on my current, predominantly, domestic life, with support of my wife and children!
19/3: Waking up, at four or five, I am looking in the black space, awake, but restful, my mind filled with a greyish black area, filled with pencil strokes, quite and calm. I am just looking, peaceful, almost without thoughts, the only thought being, what am I doing here, and wondering whether this state of mind and body would give me sufficient rest to be able to cope with another day of living, and subject myself to my moral obligations to think, act, walk and read, and of course to comply with the demands of domestic life. Indeed, another day, another book, training, and waiting for the children to come home, after another day of school!
23/3: Tja, what can I say, of course I am here to stay, but, please, I do pray, in order not to go astray, let's go away, to a place where it is not cold, where I do not suffer because I am old, but in the heat of the day, I can walk my way, and pretend to be bold, or just let the pleasure to stay at home in my corner unfold!
Staying indoor all day has a price, that is the risk of stiffness, imposing limits on my range of mobility, but it also has its rewards, staying in the company of my girls, wife and daughters, having the time to reflect on the issues of life, and finish reading the books about mobility and fitness, and how the brain has an impact!
24/3: It does rain and I am in pain, so I will not go to train, besides, nobody liked my post so I would rather play the ghost, that is, the invisible man, as long as I can!
31/3: Back from the ashram... where I was looked at by the holy faces on the walls, the worried faces of the anxious parents, the smiling faces of the exalted kids, and occasionally my own face from the mirror on the wall of our room, and not to forget, the neutral faces of my daughters and of course the always slightly annoyed face of my wife. I was just a bystander there,the (almost) invisible man, close to a ninja as I explained to the son aof.my ex-student who was also there with his kid.
3/4: Rebel :: go for it! which is my new phrase, that I used today in two emails, both to ex-students, one to to the one who I met at the ashram, and who, as I found after some search, contributed to my book on object-oriented software development, and one who not so long ago was appointed professor at the VU, and from who I received an invitation for his inaugural lecture the 24th of may and the party the day after, which in my email to him I subtly. declined, that is the invitation for both events, indicating that I am not so much in favor of joining such crowds, in particular not the institutional crowds, and that my condition, due to my age, imposes limits on my range of mobility. So far, contrary to my expectations, no answer from either of them.
10/4: Walking in the park, as a kind of obligatory exercise, to heal my feet, after I got my daughter from school, I realized I might have made a mistake by fixing my final series of books to read in the rest document, which, after all, is meant to primarily emphasize the importance of non-action, that is leave things as they are without taking decisions, unless forced by circumstances. As an example of go with the flow, I surprised myself yesterday by showing, or should I say showing off, some flying exercises. All in all, to see the kenshi flying was impressive, eventhough a lot can still be improved. I, nevertheless, was flattered to receive compliments, and the gratitude for teaching, it gave me a sort of pride!
13/4: Where am I, and what will be my next step? Or should I say book, as I am hooked to reading, and want to finish the list on what I called rest, to indicate both non- action and my final efforts at systematically reporting my intellectual endeavors, In the meantime, I am updating my site, directing attention to the image, a back support stance in the park, in early spring. A memory from years ago, likely more than four years, which now somehow starts to function as a strong hold, a way to motivate myself to invest my effort in a discipline of exercise, mainly upside-down, as a measure against the risk of a declining health due to aging. Adaptive aging, in other words be active and create the motivations for it!
14/4: A day out, alone with my wife, heading for the water and the sky, sharing a kayak, she in front, I'm the back, trying to synchronize the movement of the peddles, not an easy thing, we often don't synchronize well, but after all we accomplished a tour across the streaming water, against a strong wind, making the effort to sustain the cold, and make the effort to keep going, not to be stopped by the natural forces counteracting our movements, meanwhile looking at the water and the sky, Listening to the sound of the bypassing traffic, and making remarks about the noise of the traffic, the style and living quality of the buildings around us, and of course the refusal of her parents to travel to Japan with her, after initial enthusiasm refusing her invitation to take them there, out of fear, fear of unknown risk, health issues and of course the fear of breaking there daily habit and being, even for a short time, out of their comfort zone, cowards, and, indeed, extremely disappointing for her, even if it means not being obliged to do a lot of work, paper work, and, of course, organizing all the details of such a trip, including transport by wheel-chair, to accommodate her mother. In the meantime, we kept paddling, and I did enjoy the challenge of being a day out with her, despite the reading I missed and the effort I had to make to keep up my speed in walking, and the paddling against the strong current and wind. So all together, we managed to have a good time together, obviously, I think, matching the requirements of the mathematic of marriage
17/4: Just in time to write a bit, a few words to release the tension and provide an update of my whereabouts, mentally and physically, just to be able to keep breathing and live with these issues. Yesterday, I did not join the boys after kempo for a drink, I did not feel like talking, and somehow felt not recognised for my lesson last thursday. I offen feel a lack of attention for me this last period, but in this sense I am over-sensitive, and even though I consider to publish my motto: rebel -- go for it on facebook, I hold it back, because I think nobody would really appreciate it. Not now, but maybe later, so I incorporate the motto on various pages, still motivated to work on my digital immortality, or perhaps I should say, my online collection of motivational images and phrases, as a means to provide myself with some moral encouragement, to keep up my discipline and pursue my goals, whatever they are, even if only to take part in life!
18/4: Getting up a bit later, since the little-one is on school camp, in doubt whether I should do exercise, I finally got up, did my exercise, and had breakfast, but not before looking at my REST page, and deciding to leave the changes I made yesterday undone, that is not to restore to the original form, complying with the theme of that page, rest, the principle of non-action. Even this writing might be considered a moral act, giving in to the mental urge to be active, and deliver some results I can more or less be proud of, that is potentially show it to other people, to enhance my self-esteem and be a valuable part at my comm unity.
22/4: Still feeling cold and old, but finished my tasks, that is I sort of completed my digital dossier, at least for the moment, In adding an image to silence, and wrote some words on adventure and scenario in my portfolio, which, for this moment, is actually just a substitute for real creative work. My head is still full of noise, reminiscences of the mathematics of marriage, and thoughts about my current life, how to manage it and possibly change it, As a preparation for tonight: talk - express your feelings/thoughts listen- understand personal motivations think - manage and regulate the future.
24/4: Another day, After completing all my tasks, I only have to meet my daily (moral) obligation to write a few words, about life's issues, how to survive the responsibly for the children, how to manage my affairs, including money, meet my disciplinary demands of exercise, and, not least of all, engage with the social needs of the people around me, family, children, including the older ones, other parents, and of course the kempo community, with all its strife for personal recognition and control. Pffh ..., what a life! How long will I survive this? Well that is another reason to keep on with writing, just to keep track of what happens, and, as I often say, as a means to take distance, in order not to lose my autonomy, go for it!
27/4: Another noisy day, koningsdag, busy on the street, people wearing orange clothes, orange being the national color, red blue white stripes on their face, the colors of our natural flag, walking with a stern grimace, as if the place belongs to to them, with loud voices, talking and shouting in the air. It fits the characterization of pseudo- events, as I read in a book of sixty years ago, the Image, which describes the illusionary nature of events, which are dominated by their reproduction in images, instead of what actually happens. The domestic situation is currently very tense, which I try to counter, only partly with success, using my insight from reading the mathematics of marriage. In the meantime I try to take care of my physical condition, making an effort not to let this influence my reaction to the domestic situation in a negative way, again only partly successful, but fortunatch most of the time it works, as for example in dampening the quarrel of my daughter with her mother, as I tried to explain to my wife, who apparently almost does not listen, due to stress. Just keep breathing. I wonder how long we will succeed in keeping our marriage stable. For me it is clear, however, that I do not want her to dominate my life in a too severe manner, eventhough I. feel, because of the apparent effects of my aging, more and more dependent on her, and, to some ectent, to the presence and activity of the children, lovely as they are, to force me, as I wrote to an ex-student, to keep some focus, a needed factor in my current life!
27/4: (continued) Just a moment ago, the bell rang. I opened the door, and waited by the stairs. They came for the upper floor, but I wanted to make sure that they were indeed visitors, and not trying to intrude. I kept the door as good as closed, but still I was reproached for keeping the door open. No, she said, it was open. No, I countered, it was as good as closed. More and more I dislike her blaming attitude, and her non-stop monitoring and criticism. Indeed, this almost sounds like my black diary, a story of choice. For the moment, I try to deal with it, because I see it as a result of stress and fatigue, due to her work and study, about which I often profess that I find that it provides a good example for the girls, who still have a life of study and working awaiting them, but, it does start to reach my limit! In a way, I am even looking forward that she goes to China, to visit her parents. Last summer we were there. Their attitude was in general mild, but there was still their non-stop monitoring and potential criticism. Before we went there they even asked whether I could not cut my beard and wear a cap. These remarks are still haunting me. And though I did like the view of Shanghai, the whole experience was only mildly tolerable, due to the constraints on my behavior, and the non-stop nervousness and annoyance of my wife, mostly due to the behavior of her parents. So, we decided, never again. And to be frank, even on her own, I think the visit will be exhausting. With me and the kids everything should be OK, as the last time, when she went to Mexico. The kids are self-regulating, and take good care of me, as they should!
28/4: Another day, bad sleep, a criticizing wife, although today much more mild, a stiff body, work on my digital dossier(s), read immortality, a nervous mind, anxious about the effort it takes to go travelling, to Aachen, with a slight worry about my health, despite my focus on flow, but still able to keep up with my discipline, upside-down exercise, my balance therapy. Finished reading the rest, I have now the choice, or, in other words, I am forced to choose what to read next, about rebels, or vision, or the struggles of modern times, martial arts, physical conditioning, a wide range of choice, all interesting but non of them strictly compelling, and of course,I almost forgot, mathematics!
4/5: Back from Aachen, a bit in doubt whether I should start writing, after sitting there on the street benches, watching the people walk by, making notes of a dirty old man in my mind, while waiting for the girls. A noisy place, with a lot of tense, possibly dangerous people on the street. Walking there with a stick I avoided all possible confrontations, with a smooth smile on my face, and the expression set to: leave me alone, don't intrude my solitude, and most people seemed to accept this message, occasionally with a friendly smile, but mostly just ignoring me, which all in all is a proper reaction. I think!
5/5: Another day, no reading yet, just waiting for a message from my oldest daughter, Well, it might not come. In the meantime, I have been updating my site, digital immortality for a mortal soul. But after paying my invoice to CSC, I don't even care so much anymore. It is just another project, to keep me busy, and a means by which I hope to gain some appreciation from other people, just for the fun of it. Now I am waiting for my daughter, who will eat a hamburger. In the meantime, I better do some exercise, to keep up my condition, which more and more seems a necessary thing to do, as a partial remedy for the process of aging. Enough, hopefully this little bit of writing allows me to enjoy some rest!
7/5: Another day, busy life, tired body, many tasks, my wife at the airport (almost) leaving for China, to see her parents, got the id-card of my youngest, moving through a busy crowd, both in public transport and the city office, finally at home, after something to eat and to smoke arranged an archive for my images, and to add another element to my digital dossier, the agenda, and now sitting down to write about all this, preparing myself for kempo training this evening, a matter of discipline, and an effort to stay part of a community, in my own way so to speak,, to maintain my form and create a proper closure of my life!
9/5: To be sure, for tomorrow morning I did set the alarm on my phone, at 7. 50, just in case that I miss my regular alarm at 7.20, which I use for the school periods. Now I am on my own with my youngest, the older is away, camping in Bakkum, and my wife is very likely now boarding her plane, in Paris, for her flight to Shanghai. So, likely, I will be on my own for the next few days, another experience, I even felt some fear, and a little doubt about my physical condition, but as usual I tell myself "keep breathing", one,two, three, and I should be able to endure the short moments of pain in my legs when standing or walking. Fortunately, I finished most of the re-construction work on my site, and regained my inetrest in small updates. run to stay creative!
12/5: Catching up with the time, I even feel guilty when I spent too much time in bed, getting up too late, and after doing my exercises, feel pressed to complete all my tasks, inspecting myself for efficiency of movement, and so, feeling the occasional stiffness, criticizing my bodily condition, and not to forget, seeing all the memory flashes come by, my mental condition, realizing that it would take an effort to do anything, beyond the ordinary, properly, in the realization that it is the children that give structure to my life, and motivate me to take action, which somehow is necessary to forget myself, and enjoy life.
16/5: Is this a crisis? I just passed the eye test, and postponed another test at least half a year, the body in pain, feeling the pressure to complete all my tasks, take care of the children, work on my condition, do the handstands, finish reading, and, not in the least contributing to my feeling of anxiety, waiting for my oldest daughter to contact me, after being released from her trauma therapy, bringing into doubt whether I suffer from trauma as well, trauma from the variety of relations I had in the past, living with a depressed father, who one way or another might still act as a role model, and, in a way, in doubt whether, given my current condition, our marriage will endure. Well, wait and see! What can I say?
17/5: Almost ten past ten, all tasks done, at least those that must be done before starting anything else, another day partly filled with superfluous obligations, party with providing the material so the children can manage themselves, and partly filled with random thoughts, memory flashes, good intentions, reminiscences of the past, and projections of the future, that is aspirations for the rest of my life, however long it may last, always feeling the eyes around me, despite my solitude, monitoring my behavior, and assessing my results. Is it a living nightmare, or a lively day dream? It is hard to tell, but fortunately I can still say: life goes on!
18/5: Another day, struggling to get up in time, forcing myself to do my exercise, and, fortunately, but not unexpectedly, enjoying it, relieved though after finishing my first two rounds of the day. Then on with the rest, surprised by my memories on facebook, that, as today, still sometimes impress me by their power of expression, one a drawing of a pseudo-fight in the dojo, where I was attacked, in a postural way, by a number of kenshi, and again one of my cloud photos. In real life I am still impressed by the clouds, and the splattering of sun light, even more so after my eye operation. At the end of the day I went to one of the open ateliers, no-67, around the corner, and had a talk with the artist, Michael Ryan,
So after a day of struggling, taking the effort to walk with my daughter to the OBA, to get some books to learn to read properly, and forcing my youngest to go with us, who was however lucky enough to meet some friends on the street who invited her to play with them, I had what you might call a stroke of luck, in forcing my self to go to the market to see if I could still get a cheap pair of 501 pants, size 28, and then following my intuition to enter the art studio on the corner of the Palmgracht and the Palmdwarsstraat, to see the works and talk with the artist, and, of course his wife, who was also present. As usual I talked too much, but, of course, I was happy to see that people recognized me, as one of the icons of the Jordaan. One woman, who entered the studio thought, surprised, that I was the artist, but I told her no, I am just a visitor, and then I left.
19/5: A bit of a cleanup of my digital notepad, the thing is remarkable, indeed, but it easily becomes a big mess, and another task to fill pages with what ultimately is superfluous writing. Any project of the magnitude of writing an autobiography, or a compendium of my notes is beyond my current aspirations. In effect, I try to keep the effort required to be creative, in writing or drawing, as minimal as possible. But, indeed, I do have to create some space, to be creative in one way or another, if only to deal, or perhaps I should say be able to deal, with my lapses in motivation. Life goes on, and I have to go along with it, finding the opportunities to enjoy it, while keeping my survival strength intact.
What shall I say, it is all a game of words! .. indeed, keep writing,... filling it up slowly...
After of former kenshi's post on facebook, the kempo Amsterdam page, about his back issues, years of being unable to move, a surgery with replacement of the bottom spinal discs I even became a bit worried about the state of my own spinal discs, in relation to the pain in my legs. My comment on his post was, a life journey, inspiring, ganbatte. I hope, however, that it will not become my own life journey. Well, whatever happens, the only reasonable advice would be, go with the flow!
Yesterday, I also made another post on the Jordaan dojo facebook page. It took some time to be approved, but OK, that can happen. To my surprise he did not react,, whereas he usually expresses at least a like, and more often even a 'love it' red. heart tag. Surprising, is he annoyed or is there something else? OK, we are a bit competitive, but that should not be a reason to ignore me. Well, we will see. If it so occurs, I will just drop kempo, and continue on my own way, however long it lasts!
My site, representing what I call my digital immortality is almost finished, and, in addition, I almost stopped posting on facebook, except for a few memories. For the next one I thought about please - like it on the headline, but with respect to my remarks before, I may also use: please- go with the flow!
My daughter is more and more behaving like her mother, dominant, sometimes even a bit aggressive, telling me don't shout, and forbidding me to be barefoot in front of the OBA. Amusing. I let it go a bit, just guiding it in the right direction. In some sense, those are management skills, it might even be considered positive.
20/5: Keep writing, keep writing. Today, I again updated a portfolio page, scenario, including the photos taken yesterday, against my original intentions, but then again it did seem to make some sense!
Perhaps I am making things complex, more and more folders, what is the use of it?
Well, now a few days out of trauma therapy. I keep looking at my phone, but apparently she is exhausted. Well, we just wait and see!
23/5: So she is back, after about two weeks of being away. The children are happy, enjoying their presents, and, of course, the affection of their mother, being relieved of the more stern attention of their father, me! And I gave over control, no longer in need to govern domestic life, keep things organized, and suppress potential quarrels. This period ended, with as the only negative issue, a missing gym bag. Now life continues, let's see how it goes!
25/5: So, as I said before, when I wrote in the children's notes, life goes on, and for me that is family life, fitting myself within the constraints of domestic life, with wife and two daughters, all quite, to some extent, dominant, although in different ways, guarding my space so, it will not matter lively or on purpose, be taken away, but still, one way or another, adapting my agenda to what is going on in their lives, although in most cases I profit from the guiding role their activities have. Yet, I am I, me is me, and I do have to guard my identity, the focus of my self, in order to live according to the values in my life, and undertake the activities that (potentially) give me the esteem of others, and not the least important, self-esteem.
Life goes on, my wife is back, we re-arranged the bed, and I had an appointment with my oldest daughter, near Bos en Lommerplein. After I just missed bus 21, the bus number did not turn up on the board, indicating arrivals., I called her, and she re-assured me number 21 would arrive in two minutes. So it did. We had a long, serious talk. First we talked about my current situation in life, existential doubt, anxiety about my physical condition, and the memory flushes tormenting me, making me doubt about the value of what I achieved in life. Then she told a lot about her weeks of therapy. They just scratched the surface, she told me, but refused to go into details about the therapy as well as the incidents that caused the trauma. Emphasizing the diagnosis PTSD, she told me how unhappy she is/was in life, even suggesting blame towards me, which I counteracted by indicating that I never used violence towards her, and only try to encourage her to be creative and make use of the opportunities the products of creative activity may offer. In a way I have been lucky in life, even if my current mood is not happy, by being able to profit from the opportunities offered to me due to my eagerness to learn, and turn such learning into products which gained the appreciation of people that could (and did) have an impact on the course of my life, and the (potential) reward of the activities I have undertaken. My attitude of passivity and ability to wait has proved to be an advantage to me, even though I cannot impose this as a rule for guiding or governing the behavior of others, and, to be honest, my own gratitude in this is to some extent also self-imposed!
26/5: Help, the house is being renovated again, the beds re-arranged, and to be honest, I did not get used to it yet, and could not early fall asleep. Now, I am sitting in my corner, on the floor, and watch the completion of the re-arrangement of the beds, feeling cold, and anxious. I wonder if we will still go out today, to have a picnic in the Westerpark. To be honest, I might even prefer to continue sitting in my corner, read a bit, and ponder, ponder about life, and solitude. But, on reflection, I realize the danger of remaining passive, at the risk of avoiding the challenges of life.
28/5. Another day, I set my goals, and keep asking myself what is worrying me, the fuzzy thoughts, the pain in my legs, does it move or orginate in the back, can I live in the again newly innovated house, now affecting the sleeping part. Can I go to kempo in this condition. Somehow, everything seems inconvenient and require a lot of thought. Even whether to go out and do some shopping, or to have a walk. Always there seems to be the need to adapt myself to the circumstances, not to be able to make my own planning, guarding my space, so that nothing is taken away from me, and I am not pushed to the side. So why do I complain? Well maybe it's just the pain! So, perhaps I should recall: rebel, go for.it!
31/5: Life is overwhelming, people, fear, children, the feeling of responsibility, politics, among friends, in particular kempo friends, my community, and, of course, my worries about aging, and how to keep a sufficient level of condition, body condition, first of all, but, I must admit also mind condition, to be able to keep control over the affairs of life, without too much trouble or confusion, something that also somehow seems to require more focus and effort. Anyway, after a long talk, about trigger points, personality traits, games people play, such as authority games, which unfortunately are part of life, we seemed to agree on the strategy required to encourage a community feeling for kempo that allows for co-existence, and offer potential kenshi existential relief!
1/6. Life goes on, and I am still in the middle of it, it seems, with a family, wife and children around me, lively and noisy, as they should be, a martial art community, in which I still play a role, shifting from practice to teaching, still staying somewhere in the middle, and playing my role, or should I say game, of the sceptical old man, who often pretends he knows better, without showing it in a too obvious manner, thus imposing more strongly that the knowledge is there, even though in practice the knowledge does not amount to much more than a list of references indicating books that, in one way or another, have a relation to the subject in question. The real secret, however, is that I usually have the discipline, even if not today, to do my exercises, which gives me inner strength.
2/6: Two (and a half) dominant women in the house, telling me to stay away when they are busy in the kitchen... Today, we went kayaking at camping Zeeburg, which was silent and quiet at first, but when we came back it was full of people. Apparently, there was a party going on. A bourgeois party, of people with cars, dogs, fat stomach and stern faces. But it was nice to see my old friend, now father of three children, after a long time. And, he assured me he was delighted to be a father of three! I walked with pain in my legs, but am still glad I made the effort, and we finally made it, together. Even the fact that one of the girls forgot her phone didn't bother me, but reminded me of keeping up the usual ritual of checking, whether anybody possibly forgot something. Now at home, fighting for my space. How long will I survive, knocking on heaven's door?
5/6: A busy time, politics, children, tax, dealing with money, time for some notes, or should I say nuts. First about politics, monday evening the meeting with the kempo guys, which went surprisingly well, with an authorative guy, a smart guy, with a stern look on his face, both into formalizing their concerns in a worried, slightly authorative manner, meshed by a somewhat forced smile, and another one, easily annoyed, and of course the one who is shrugging his shoulders, and an expression of what do I know on his face. When I left I was called a nerd, which I took as a compliment, indicating that I payed attention to details, In effect,I remained as neutral as possible, and with some distance observed the interactions between them. However, I still felt involved, if only for the long time we have been training together and the (significant) role kempo played in my life and personal development!
And, after visiting Japan, for my third dan exam, where I got the assignment, as I felt it, to help guard the future of Shorinji Kempo in Amsterdam, I felt the moral responsibility to contribute to the existence of Shorinji Kempo, even after our sensei retired, and contribute to the new, more democratic and modern style, when the guys took over. At the meeting I also made a personal statement, that, with regard to my current condition, I stay on the side, but wish to be involved, however with less active participation, an and as I now practice, more focus on advice and acting as a teaching guide, by explaining technical issues and correcting posture and technique. I emphasized the existential value of kempo, and the importance of supporting the individual needs of the kenshi, and their personal concerns. which for me was the primary motivation to practice kempo. Also, now that we are somehow entering a new stage of our life together, as the children grow older and more independent, the moral core of martial arts become perhaps even more important, as a way of life, and for me, not the least important, as a means to participate in a community, active to the extent my condition allows for it, but also providing focus for attention on issues of life, physical and mental development, balance, and again, a motivation for disciplined practice, as a way to guide my process of aging, and to deal with the various problems and dilemmas of life, the chaos, the institutional issues related to finance, schools and work, and the need to keep control over the resources that support our, in general, modest life. And, with children, I can only say one thing, life goes on!
8/6: Is it really time for more notes, having skipped 2/3 th of my exercises, taking it easy, to accommodate the pain in my body, the legs in particular! But now it is time to eat, so I likely will continue this later, for now just killing time! Then, after eating, taking up my notes again, but not before cleaning my computer, that is erasing the files that I downloaded from my facebook memories.. I didn't use them though, feeling not in the mood to add anything to my online memories, and, indeed, I think I shouldn't, more images would likely degrade the composition, especially when forced by a feeling of obligation, instead of creative) inspiration. I am not sure whether it it is my mood, that is somewhat low, due to the feeling in my legs, or just sound judgement, that I did not wish to add anything to my site. Stressing the phrase "less is more"; Indeed, I think the latter!
12/6: What is there left to write about, except issues of self-esteem, respect shown by others, my intolerance for authorative people, the effort I have to make to keep an acceptable level of discipline, the self-indoctrination that writing allows me to take distance, in effect, all ramblings of a disturbed, not to say confused mind, a conversion, perhaps, of my struggle to live my life, in such a way that it agrees with my standards, even considering the doubt with respect to the source of my standards, my background, my cultural environment, and the many books that I read, too many perhaps to be able to digest properly. Anyway, this morning, since a long time, we were close together.
16/6: Another day inside, pain in my legs, eager to read, and changing weather, from sunshine to rain and back again, giving me plenty of excuses to stay in, not go out (again) to the Westerpark, or go for a city walk, in the Jordaan, or as often in the past, to the center, for a snack and coffee, as when the children were young. Also, I am not in the mood to impose moral obligations, which might also not fit well with the schedule of the other members of my family. In addition, I am waiting for a message from my older children .
19/6: Another day, still with a bit of pain in the legs, telling myself to keep walking, but happy with the reduction of the medication, that might be part of the cause of that pain. In line with my attitude of conformity to moral obligations when they might either benefit myself or my children, and of course my life, and other people I feel connected with. Still my mind is working how to prepare best for the future, taking into account the reduction of my mobility, both in range and aptitude. Just keep working on it, I keep telling myself, and don't avoid any challenge that seems worth to take a risk just put in the effort to meet it, profiting from possible shortcuts or opportunities, as another exercise in adaptation, relying on memory, analytic skills and built-up experience!
21/6: Should I take a challenge, or rest, or just smile, to maintain peace and harmony, with my self and the children. Family life, demanding, and often forcing me to adapt, to circumstances, unforeseen events, and of course the dominance, being directed this way or that way, dependent on their moods and emotions, fighting, in a way, to find the space for myself, and of necessary be a rebel, or of really needed a devil, to be able to keep in touch with the magic(k) of life, my personal being, whatever the darkness of the unknown brings, as a result of history, chance, and, of course, due to the complexity of modern life, chaos! And eventhough these are merely words, there is a deeper reality, so smile!
23/6: Now, what's next? After reading about open focus, a method to, among others, relieve pain, in a hurry to finish, which I did, in time, on a day full of tension and averse emotions, pain in the body, and even thinking about how to find a building with, at least, eight floors, which may be considered almost a traditional way to end a life of suffering. It is not my intention, yet, but just a way to think about how to change my life, and I must say the only way to cope with oppression and suppression seems to be to change my life. The options are clear: continue -- communication, clarity, consistency, stop -- stupid, silence, solitude. Very likely there will be a middle way, with a lot of both. But at least I indicated that there are limits, and that I will take charge of imposing these limits. one way or another!
24/6: Another day, a lot more mild. I decided, after some doubt, to keep participating in the theatre of life, with all the beautiful women around me, even if I feel sometimes excluded, and have to fight for my space. I also decided to continue keeping track of what I read, both as a reference page as well in a separate list, just to support my memory, and also to set goals, on the spot, and influenced by my feelings of the moment, as well on what I see available on my reading device. Cognition, image, aesthetics, morality ... Does it make sense? It must, it is about sense and sensibility. For the rest I try to stay calm, adapt to what is going on and do my exercises, which hopefully helps me to be fit enough to survive this!
29/6: Splash, yesterday family meeting, what am I doing here, navigating the street, feeling the tension, meeting the demands of being a father, a brother, and a grandfather, listening to the familiar cliches, but still taking pleasure in touching my granddaughter, and telling to my son, who occasionally listens, and his wife, who seems even eager to take my advice, to do a PhD in the Netherlands, for a period of four years, with the option to return to Brazil after that period, and resume her old job, as a safeguard, which sets a security backline. In other words, mixed feelings, listening, talking, and looking. And at home, the three beautiful women, mother and two daughters, but again the feeling: what am I doing here.
4/7: Early in the morning, not the usual time to write, but after breakfast, mother and daughter discussing the chance of passing this year's class, and the options, in case of failure. Write to take some distance, to be able to cope with the stress of life, including the pain in my legs, and to comply with my praise of writing as a discipline, an exercise in expression and control, as well as a way to dive into both thoughts and life, as it came up in my conversation with another kenshi, herself a writer, about the benefits and promises of writing, as a means to shape life and create professional skills leading to a better chance of survival, and as a way to enjoy life!
5/7. And so, there is always something to write, it could even be an autobiography, or if needed an autohagiography, praising myself for my creativity and my human value, although it seems more likely that I would take a more ironic approach and degrade or humble myself, but of course with the ultimate goal of gaining more respect and praise, by a dialectic of criticism and controversial statements about people and the world they inhabit, or more precisely create for themselves, mostly based on material values, and the moral justification of a surplus of luxury and collectively supported goals including travel destinations, art museums and performances of acrobats, and, not to forget, exquisite meals!
8/7: Struggling to keep a sense of self-esteem. Pain in the body, and a worried mind, thinking of things that need to be taken care of, even if they are non of my (direct) business, and feeling excluded when not part of an event-communication app, as in the case of a child's birthday, which surprised me, but I didn't want to ask to include me. But still, the questions stays with me, why was I not included. But then again, why do I feel so much responsibility for keeping an eye on the time and the whereabouts of the children. After all, they can manage well, and it is their own business, unless I am somehow explicitly involved. As I say, it might all come down to my self-esteem, or a lack of confirmation thereof!
10/7: Living in an ecology of need, trying to communicate, after reading about non-violent communication, I find it almost impossible to bring up the empathy, which is apparently needed for real communication. I simply feel not connected, but of course answer with a smile, and make some jokes. Is this purely fake, or just the reality of living among people, where the bond of connection, even with a variance of likes and dislikes, is through an institution such as a school, enforced by the need to support our children. In other words, when assuming existence before essence, my essence is clearly of another kind, more of the kind of a solitary existence, finding satisfaction in solitude, pursuing my motivated goals, even if there is on the background the need for recognition and attention, which after all contribute in an important way to my self-esteem. So part of my behavior is governed by moral obligations needed to secure my position in a social structure.
18/7: In a way, I did not hold myself to my promise, to keep on writing, both as a mental exercise, and to relieve the tension of daily life. My daughter passed to her next year and we are preparing for a month's travel, to Thailand. Tonight is our last training for this year, and tomorrow the last schooldays of the kids, Life goes on!
22/7: Splash, flash, hush, hush, crush, there is still time to write, flush, flush, away with the thoughts, the emotions, the fluxions of the mind, stiff-legged, in a trance of paralysis by analysis, thinking about what has to be done, and what must wait, looking for attention and recognition, but wait, my time is almost over, what do I want more, instead of knocking on the door, and looking at my girls, their independence, their beautiful bodies, yes, there I am, the old guy, with the mind of a dirty old man, suffering the pain for a walk, but always ready to talk, even if nobody listens. Nobody? Wait, make no mistake, I will force them to listen, because I have the time on my side, and I am usually right, although it might take some time to get it within sight!
24/7: Sitting here, dealing with the fear, of not understanding life, feeling the cold, because I am getting old, and so on, and so on, unstoppable bullshit, just for the fun of it, and to avoid the confrontation with myself, what do I want, why do I not go out, take a walk, or have a talk, It does not matter how, or with who, as long as I meet my moral obligations to maintain movement, and pretend I am in contact with other people, whatever they think of me, whatever I think of them, as long as I can produce the poetry of life, to confuse and distract, to gain attention and occasional respect, that enables me to play a role, whatever way, just for the fun of it, I would say, and I circumvent the obstacles of life, that would take an effort to overcome, would there not be a smart way to go around.
29/7: My last notes, before we leave for a holiday to Thailand, after meeting the children, all four of them together, in the Westerpark, sitting on the grass, near the water, looking at eachother, thinking what to say, and what not, a special moment, I as a father, surrounded by my offspring, wondering what goes on in their mind, and they, likewise, trying to take a proper position, a balance between respect for me and their own independence, as individuals that have the right to live their own lives. The conversation went smooth, with bits of competitive ideas, interest in what is going on, and, all together, an observance of good manners, giving out pieces of information, and inquiring about the state of affairs, in the individual lives of the others, while observing what is going on in being together as a group, mind, as a family, with a common bond, me!
29/8: We just arrived home, after a demanding trip, thirteen hours flight, staying for the night in Bangkok airport, with an intermediate day in Helsinki. We have seen a lot, and, fortunately, each time our tour threatened to become a (real) disaster trip, either due to quarrels between the girls, that is between the mother and the girls, somehow the threat was diverted and channeled, usually, into a shopping frenzy, which made the (young) girls extremely happy, In the last month, I often suffered from pain in the legs, and overall tiredness. On the last day, today, I lost or forgot my little urban bag, stupid old man, but, fortunately, not my valuables, passport and cards, and only one bag of tobacco. My advice, to myself, keep travelling, don't give up!
30/8: I still blame myself for losing the urban bag, confidently rolling cigarettes, and then simply forgetting to take my bag, in which I stored the tobacco along. How stupid, how stupid, indeed. Always precise, how can I forget to take it, and why did I not take the precaution to wrap it around my waist? I slept very bad this night, partly because of stiffness in the body, especially the legs, and partly because of this recurrent self-blame. My bladder felt like bursting, but I couldn't get any relief, no matter how often I tried, getting up more than five times. Also, I feel resistance taking up my life here in Amsterdam again, living on a schedule, determined by the schools and affairs of the girls, eating the regular food, and meeting the people related to school and work. Fortunately, I was able to do my exercise this morning, and I hope I will be sufficiently motivated to train SK.
31/8: Overwhelming was my friendś reaction when I told her briefly about our experiences in Thailand. When saying that, she looked with an astonished face to my daughter, who stood about two meters from us, and has grown tall in the period that she last saw her. Is that her? I confirmed that, indeed, she has grown tall! After a good night sleep I feel better today, took a walk with her, discussing issues of school, and possibilities for part-time work. I also asked whether she would still approve my joining the travel, or whether she preferred to leave me home, to travel only with the three of them. No, it's fine when you come along, she said, but when we go shopping we better leave you some place, and you like that don't you. When leaving for our walk I could not find the blue bag. Apparently, someone disposed of it. Another bag lost, stupid but this time it was not my fault!
6/9: Now back for about a week, still in the process of getting organised, and I collected my running belt, which offers some compensation for the loss of my urban bag. In a way, a discovery, opening up new possibilities for outdoor activity, read exercise. Yesterday, nobody showed up for training, so we skipped training, and instead had a ceremonial tea, and a long talk, about travelling, discipline, and, of course, kempo, how to stimulate the actual presence of people at the training sessions, and how to avoid personal conflicts due to transgression and escalation of personal issues, either due to direct contact or personal history. I felt a bit like talking my way out of it, but perhaps I should accept that, as my personal strategy. At least I can talk the walk. even when not be able ...
7/9: If I think about it, time to write, time to think, time to fill, a waste of time, doing exercise, handstand, indeed, therapy, waiting for the children, adapting to my wife, securing material conditions, trying or pretending to be on the right spiritual level, partly by making an effort to create the right image, by both resisting and complying with the demands of those around me, withstanding their criticism and trying to satisfy the impression of myth that surrounds me, and if necessary, as it often seems to be, to talk my way out of it, with in the back of my mind how to fall back on the essence of security, by attention to breathing, posture and the essentials of material life, money, comfort and physical safety, supported by the instruments at hand.
8/9: Just sit and write, for the fun of it, what is the use of it, except the possible relief of mental stress, which might, however, also result in more confusion, and form a distraction of activities that might be more useful. However, the joy of manipulating a pencil or stylus on real or digital paper is also a reward in itself, and diving in the flux of thought is a ritual worth repeating, if only for the stimulation of focus and attention, provided, when writing no stagnation of breathing occurs, as not to stop the flow and coherence of life, and disrupt the brain by physical stress. Stay relaxed, and write, just for the fun of it!
11/9: Why would I need color when not everything is black and/or white? To scribble in a more complex way, or to show off the most advanced paper tablet currently available? That seems superfluous, and a contradiction with my wish to keep things simple, and might even disrupt the flow of thought by an abundance of choice, and the risk of losing myself in refinements that obstruct the direct expression of my thoughts. It might also be considered a waste of money, although, dependent on perspective, that point of view might be considered irrelevant, given the fact that money is spent on many things of which only a small part is indispensable!
14/9: Just, stored the old notes:see reflection(s)!
16/9: Back from a walk. I met two people, a fighting guy, 65, who told me about his techniques, and a sturdy woman, telling me that my wife is the best. Teaching, that is. Now, that is great to hear! But at home,the teacher is acting annoyed, claiming the kitchen space for herself, but I manage to get a coffee, for a smoke on the balcony. Now she is talking with her mother. I closed the door to protect myself from the noise. Yesterday, I put in my lenses,-2.75 for the first time, after the operation. A true revelation, everything was so sharp and clear. I could not believe my eyes. I saw and heard everything!
21/9: Now waiting until the girls leave for the performance at the Olympic Stadion, which starts at eight, I think. I am still in doubt whether I should go, not to miss such a spectacular event, However, my youngest is here, and has no one to play with, a perfect excuse for me not to go, and avoid the exertion of going there, and fake my participation in the spiritual movement, just to see my wife's performance. Instead, we might go to the market and buy some stuff, taking the time to rest and read.
14/9: Just, stored the old notes:see reflection(s)!
16/9: Back from a walk. I met two people, a fighting guy, 65, who told me about his techniques, and a sturdy woman, telling me that my wife is the best. Teaching, that is. Now, that is great to hear! But at home,the teacher is acting annoyed, claiming the kitchen space for herself, but I manage to get a coffee, for a smoke on the balcony. Now she is talking with her mother. I closed the door to protect myself from the noise. Yesterday, I put in my lenses,-2.75 for the first time, after the operation. A true revelation, everything was so sharp and clear. I could not believe my eyes. I saw and heard everything!
21/9: Now waiting until the girls leave for the performance at the Olympic Stadion, which starts at eight, I think. I am still in doubt whether I should go, not to miss such a spectacular event, However, my youngest is here, and has no one to play with, a perfect excuse for me not to go, and avoid the exertion of going there, and fake my participation in the spiritual movement, just to see my wife's performance. Instead, we might go to the market and buy some stuff, taking the time to rest and read.
24/9: For whatever it is worth, I have set up the project, including a diary, fragments of potential manuscripts, as well as sections for images, drawings, and of course scribbles and quotes, the latter subdivided in select weird dragon motion performance mission strategy, and perhaps I should add issues. Well it is just a setup, and we will see what way it leads. At least there is a repository for information whether in the form of writing, drawings or images and thoughts taken from other sources. There is room for insights, reflections, and thoughts about reality, whether I like it or not. Whatever way you look at it, it is activity of the brain, employing the hand to get a firm grasp of the flow of my mind , and another look at reality!
28/9: So, when I talk about a life of reason, what do I mean? Partly it is a matter of habits, and partly of adapting to the requirements that the environment imposes on me, but in a way that regulates the harmony by taking the actions most appropriate for the situation, even if it means a challenge, and when it requires effort to focus attention, and withstand the force of potential opposition, and requires solitude. In other words, I like to do it my way. But of course we count the reward points, and if necessary act in a ritual fashion, follow the crowd, and go with the flow, and please the other people! Is that clear? I hope so! OK, now go!
3/10: Waiting, for my wife who is waiting in the line, number 97, which is just below the limit of 100 imposed, for a shop opening, to give away goody bags for those willing to wait, ... smart people!
4/10: At the waterside, looking at my (former) dream house, with a large work space, but taking a rest, and talk with my eldest daughter, about daily life, write a bit, draw a bit, try to sleep, but avoiding any deep issues, involving mind or body, and taking care not to be' home too late and do the necessary house cores, obviously an minimal as possible, in order to have enough time to eat. work on the fighter and warrior pages, registering my manuscript site, and scribble a bit!
9/10:... she called me stupid old man, indeed, my dominant wife, I continued my exercise to stay fit enough to withstand the domestic pressure.
Just sit, and scribble a bit, it doesn't matter about what, as long as it fills the gap, whether it makes sense or not, and completes the work of another busy day, drawing the face of people waiting in line for their children to leave for a short travel by bus bringing them to the school camp, where they are supposed to have fun and act spontaneously, to show that they play, whatever game it may be, so that at home, looking at the. images in whatsapp we can. establish that they are social, and not only learn something, but, indeed, have serious fun ..., no that is not a joke, connect, and have an experience that is of value for the rest of their life, at least I think that that is what the teachers wants us to observe. But ... look at their face(s) ... In reality, do they not also need skin therapy? As an experiment ...
11/10: After a busy day, time again.eliens.net again to scribble a bit, and try my new pen, just arrived, wth tips, for replacement, and a more sharp point, not like a pencil though, which still gives a different type of resistance, nevertheless, it seems to write well, perhaps even better than the original one. As I said, another busy day, when working on a drawing, I forgot to turn on my repaper tool, so I had to use a photograph, which after processing actually seemed to work well. I am not really satisfied with the drawing though, it looks OK, but it misses depth, perhaps because of too much effort to get the right effect. so as a lesson don't force it, but just - go win the flow!
12/10: On facebook, I wrote: warrior performance :: what do you know.eliens.net about skin therapy? ... don't ask me, ... whatever way I talk about it, these are just words, .... it is not magic, don't fall in a stupid trap, but listen to the expert, and wait -- please -- I observe, no, I do not judge, face it, life is a game of chance, so go for it, and why not, indeed ... go kempo!
13/10: ... today I plan to write on facebook: fighter experience -- attack force -- life is not a joke, stand-up for your right, face reality, and fight violence if needed, in practice, however, in my opinion, or vision, the key is to connect, whether you like it or not, develop the attitude, wait, search your memory, observe, listen, smile, speak free, and take the challenge to join the party, take it as an adventure, including school, children, work, money, the modern context, and the stress of public city life, use your voice and make some noise, sing your song and find the flame that allows you to play the game, to learn the skill to drop your rage, empty your (busy) mind, have a rest and some sleep, create a plan, a habit of motion, leave your cage, exit the cave, your favorite corner in the house, and travel, go outdoor, hit the road, look at the space, listen, scratch your face, take a walk, follow the crowd, and talk, experiment, scribble a word, draw an image or write a poem, use paper or a tool, a pencil or a pen and a bit of zen to set yourself the goal, at the level of your age, to train, do exercise, improve posture and balance, get some action, guard the pain, and gain the benefits for your brain, remember, energy is a gift, just think of any scenario or image that comes to mind, it is education for life, with as a reward a sense of self value, relax body and mind, the origin of your soul, monitor and count your points, but -- please -- my advice, if I make sense, keep control and act in a slow fashion, because if you ask me why, well, you know,, don't be smart, you must go with the flow, and remember, in my opinion, twinkle, smile, indeed, why not... go kempo!
18/10:... and again, she went m an anxious mood to the retreat, blaming me for being too late, that is I didn't allow her to take my space, to finish her domestic tasks in time, blame, blame blame, what a shame, confronting me by not simply moving half a meter, as in who owns this space. Afterwards,I did regret that I did not give in, but then again, enough is enough! So, why I write? Simply, to take some distance! Then later, via whatsapp: : Y: I will come back and get all bags myself. No need to bother you.Take all space. A: bullshit, don't blame me, a little consideration is all it takes, and some planning, see you later, and I am still fine to walk with a bag, or two! Y: Take the shit back yourself. A: OK, I will, and I didn't mean it the wrong way, so I am sorry and apologize, because I just wanted to say I would still like to help you, that was meant by the phrase bullshit, again sorry, for the misunderstanding, anyway I hope you have a good retreat weekend! love (A)
21/10: A lot of hard work, to get my cycles going, re-learning old. programming skills, spending time on small errors, trying to find out what goes wrong. Now, I am writing with a new pen, recently bought. It writes smooth, and seems to be a good safeguard when the other pen fails, Just another tool, to continue my creative activity. We will see where it leads. At least it seems that I am through most of the hard work to set up my system of cycles, that I will use to continue try work on my digital immortality, possibly with a new tool, a remarkable paper pro. It takes some money, but it is likely worth it, for opening new ways into my future!
29/10: I am in the train, and feel no pain, that is a gain, but to add to this refrain, my wife does complain, again, and I feel it in my brain!
2/11: So now I sit here, again in the corner, after two weeks hard working, to give access to my site by cycle(s), and I am writing this on my new gadget, the remarkable paper pro, regretting though that I did not buy the Lenovo yoga tablet/computer, as an extra tool in my collection of devices for creative action. Still, a bit stiff in the legs, after training yesterday, basically with the branch masters, to maintain a kind of position, or even status on the group. Yet, the whole approach does not conform with my principles, a bit too dogmatic, but then again what is the alternative. A life of pure solitude is not what I want, so I make the effort, and try to adapt. Anyway, the exercise itself is beneficial, I think. And an essential ingredient for me to participate on the the theatre of life!
6/11: Shit, shit, shit, why write about it, just to get rid of it, to deal with the shit, getting old and suffering from the cold, and feeling the pain of being old, still able to move, but with care, so not to take the risk of damage, and getting the blame of not taking care, how do I dare, and not feel the shame of hunting for fame, just living my life, with my wife, and children, as a way to survive, taking my existence as a gift, and taking the. shift, occasionally, to take care of domestic affairs, including the food, and if I must, cleaning the dust, so that, despite the pain, as a benefit, I gain the trust, I need to survive, in my current family life ...
14/11: It is time. for some quick notes, again, after many days of working on my cycles, non-stop almost, behind the computer, sitting on a hard chair, and, to be honest, in a somewhat kyphotic posture. Fortunately,-I have a new computor now, a Lenovo, with a bright screen, which saves me from useless repetitions due to a failing computer. Funny enough, nobody shows any interest in what I am doing, least of all my wife, who is non-stop directing, monitoring and criticizing me. Yesterday, she called me a grumpy old man. Well chosen words, it hit me hard, and I adapted, when I could not fall asleep, by changing my portfolio with trails, and envisaging the redirections on my site. I know, it is a hard period for her, and how she is severely suffering from menstruation pain. Where her T.CM career change will lead to is an open question we will see, but I feel not very connected I must say!
18/11: Finally, my cycle project is finished. Finished in the sense that the major amount of work, re-cycling all the recorded material, so to speak has been done. Finally, I can again sit down on my corner, and read and write at leisure. All the work had a price though, in the sense that my posture of sitting behind the screen has caused me pain in the legs and an overall stiff body. My wife is now treating me for this with her acupuncture and acupressure techniques that she learned in her TCM study, which will be completed by the end of the year. Already how she is looking for opportunities for her therapeutic practice, and busy with creating her brand. For me, now writing on my new tablet, ait is time to think how to spent my time, take up my exercise again, and draw, write and scribble on my new gadget, indeed remarkable, which I must admit I own by being seduced by clever advertisement, But such creative activities have an important role, in my opinion, simply to deal with important issues in life, and to cope with the life style problems that may be a consequence of such activities, and build up resistance, there is, as I have indicated in other situations, a simple answer ... go kempo!
20/11: Now, the work seems to be really done, at least to a point that it can be presented, and only needs updates with new material, such as for city walks, or life issues. Well, we'll see. Anyway, it is time to pay attention to my condition, speaking about city walks, so that I am able to take the challenge of walking, and gather new material for my ongoing project. Speaking about challenges, there will be the kempo celebration, the existence of the jordaan dojo for five years, to which I made my modest contribution. I hope to be able to be present, but will not participate in any demonstration, except handing over a stick, with the admonition, now, come in action. Well, let's see how it goes, I might only participate in some of the events, dependent on my mood, and fortunately. only little is needed to make my presence noticed, playing the role of invisible man, whose presence often results in the feeling of being observed. As such, I play the role of the third eye!
23/11: before starting to read again,time for some notes. The motto of today was: face -- reality game, with a drawing based on a photo taken at the ADEV - ' demonstration. Yesterday was my daughter's birthday. She is now 15 years old, chaotic, rebellious, and at times aggressive both towards me and her mother. Yesterday, when we were visiting IKEA I stayed calm and stable while her mother became tense and aggressive. Today, when she gave me a spoon, instead of a fork, I lost control and threw the spoon in the sink, and shouted, stop this aggressive behavior towards me. Her mother, in addition, gives me non-top the critical eye, and lectures me on what is appropriate behavior, with a moral tendency strongly influenced by her conformistic, chinese, background, middle class life, gathering material comforts, meeting institutional standards, contributing to family life. At some point it is enough. Well, enough said, see my arguments to ... go kempo!
27/11: Another day of hard work, in an attempt to finish my cycle site, an attempt which is bound to fail, but then again failure is a motivation to continue working, even if the end goal is never reached. Ironically, one of my best drawings, technically that is, is not liked by. anyone on facebook. Perhaps rightly so, because I faked the process, taking a digitized version of the photographs of two faces, instead of drawing them from scratch. But, I'll probably try with some other photographs, just to see if I can get it to work.. Also on my mind on the obligation to be present at all the events of the 5th year jordaan dojo celebration. However I think-it is better to make it dependent on my body condition, which is currently not very good. This morning I went to the OBA, because I was not allowed to be in the house when the friends of my daughter came to celebrate her birthday. A strange feeling, but also in a way an actual reflection of the current state of affairs. And tomorrow, indeed, as a moral obligation ... go kempo!
1/12: Today is the last day of the kempo celebration, the fifth year of the existence of the jordaan dojo, in which I played my modest role. Last night we had dinner in a chinese restaurant. Our former sensei, who guided us for almost 25-30 years through the motions of kempo, for most of us motivated by existential concerns. My motto for today is: ritual - moral trust, toconfirm my confidence in what habits, based on a rational approach towards moral obligations, and the reliance on a community of supporting people, can acomplish. Ironically, though, the computing system at the V4 does not work (for me, only?) and my older sister seems to be dying. So, many people around me get older, and are vulnerable, and so am I, stressing the need to go kempo, even though it takes a real effort, in particular walking to the dojo. But it is a matter of (mind) discipline, so it has to be done. Fortunately, this is the last session, and tomorrow life continues as usual, knocking on heavens door, well you know how I look at this, indeed, ... go kempo!
2/12: Fortunately, the kempo celebration, or seminar, as they called it, is finished. I managed to go through it, with some, read significant, effort, but it was worth it, both in terms of personal recognition, in support of my self-esteem, and as a memory tour, diving in my personal history, and the role kempo played in my life. The personal encounters, without going into detail, were worthwhile, and make me happy to take part in what I now usually call the theatre of life, and they were, in general, in agreement with my advice to go kempo! With some delay, due to technical issues, I finished incorporating the memory images in my cycles, thus completing my tour (de force), and have the images available as an illustration of my conception of life as a game of chance. Now, life goes on, with family and children, waiting for my older sister to die, and taking up my duties to teach, and attend to the affairs of life, and now it is time to go back in my corner, or cave as you wish, and read, hoping to finish either/or, which somehow inspired my existential quest of the last month. And, again, I intend to take up drawing, again, eventhough I got no likes on my latest product,s which is ironic considering that I find them of a better quality than those I did before. And of course, write to survive, and play a sufficiently satisfying role in life, that in the life of others, even in the guise of the invisible man. Luckily, I had the courage to take up the challenge yesterday, to let the kempo group pay a formal homage to our (former) sensei. I said to myself, use your voice and make some noise, and indeed that was my choice, well appreciated, and a proper finish of the kempo celebration, after which I, can resume my life, and simply, indeed, ... go kempo!
9/12: It is time, now, to continue life, recovering from the sight of my dead sister, her face tight and sleek by the make-up applied by her daughter, with a smile, as if it was a joke, to be performed on her mother, to make her look better than in real life. And I played my game of the cute. uncle, the former younger brother, spoiled by both mother and sister, smartly avoiding the obstacles in life, but of course, also growing older, in need of help and support, from family, and the people around him. Now that my cycle(s) are almost done, it is time for the next step, to continue my project, juxtaposing images and drawings, as a means to express my vision on life, the dialectic of impressions and ideas, the thoughts about the structure of life,the interplay of chaos and order, and how to express such complexity by hand, the scribbles that compose a drawing, finding relations by following the imaginary directions in the image.
13/12: So, what is this about solitude, to be followed by love and math? Being on your own sitting in the corner, reading a book, and romanticizing your life, by making plans for a date with yourself, the art of being alone. What a waste of time! Just do the things you have to do, and observe reality around you.,scribble a bit, draw a bit, and listen to the noise, which is everywhere, and occasionally has meaning, like a family member arriving home, or the ring of a bell,, that you have been waiting for, because it accompanies the delivery of a package. Daily life, boring, supported by acts on the basis of duty. The alternative however, eternal rest, is not appealing, because there is no amusement in it, no tension, no energy and no action. In other words, it is empty, and, for me personally, confronting the void is only interesting when looking out for life, the spontaneous eruption of emotions, and the satisfaction of desires, whether in the form of a memory, an image, a drawing or a human being, or, differently put a challenge, which even could be exercise, or the use of my voice, for strategy, talk or song. But, I might also use a pencil. No comment!
16/12: What can I say, well,..., uhm I am here to stay, even when cold, and feeling old, or must I say getting old, knocking on heavens door, while sitting in my corner and reading a book about love and math, a luxury as that, from my phone, at a level I can hardly grasp, but I try to get a sense of the essence, and read the story of a life devoted to math, as simple as that, in which I can recognize some elements of my past, It is in other words, again a memory tour, even though I try to keep an eye on reality, and even take a walk, as a challenge, to prove to my self that I am still vital, and strong, and that despite the pain, I actually gain by imposing on my self the discipline, to do exercise and walk, with the reward of being satisfied with myself, and creating the opportunity to gain esteem, not so much due to the fact that I walk but that I can talk!
19/12: It is almost the end of the year. Where do I go from here, suffering from the cold and getting old... More seriously, however, the question is how to keep my physical condition at an appropriate level, allowing the to function in an appropriate way, and meet the competitive encounters with my family and friends, join the gatherings of people to which I in one sense or another belong, support my children when there is a need for it, and provide my self with the motivation to be creative, active, and even, when needed, to be productive in an efficient way. It is not only a matter of maternal conditions, but rather a matter of mind set, and, as I said, motivation to sustain the level of energy needed for a meaningful life.
22/12: After two days of quarrel, shouting and bickering, she gave me a hug, as a sign that the major problems are resolved and her trust sufficiently restored to continue our life together. Do I believe that? In a way yes, because I made it sufficiently clear that taking care of food is no problem at all. Nevertheless, the shouting and the threat of divorce shocked me, bringing me almost in a state of despair, but I regained my posture and decided that if this would occur it would provide other opportunities, as long as I am willing to take a radical position, that is embrace solitude, and cultivate a fighter stance, keep breathing and doing exercise, looking for appropriate challenges to test and show my strength, and remember, strength is a skill!
23/12: Again, another day, full of doubt, not despair, even though there is a touch of melancholy in my mood, but at the same time a feeling of resolution, to stick with my principles and values, even at the risk of an unfavorable outcome, that is if my mental calculations somehow turn against me, and I can find no way to talk myself out of the pit of desperation and failure, which is unlikely, since I still strongly believe in the power of words, and the gift of exploration, that is seeking the opportunities in what at the surface may seem as a failure or disaster, but which nevertheless offer opportunities for growth and development. It is, as you might say, a matter of vision, transcending a factual situation, and to use creative insight and judgement to adapt, and transform a negative trend in a direction towards positive energy and a challenge for further development, as part of the project of life!
26/12: search: eliens black diary -- black diary a story of choice - After all, I cherish the memory of skiing, especially after sharing on facebook our prison-like room with family. eliens.net -- So, this came up when searching for elvens black diary, when my wife suggested I might have a black diary, which from her side was pure guess-work, and apparently she did not search for it. Well, anyway, these might be my last words for this year, although there are still a number of days left, so you never know. In my opinion, celebrating Christman, having joint dinners is mostly a fake thing, I sit there, observing people, having conversations, most sharing their thoughts with pride, however stupid they are, and I join them, to make sure that they have no right to judge me, other than in a positive way, whether they like it or not!
28/12: Of course, there is no last word, life continues, with family, children, and all the noise and problems of domestic life, following the crowd, and the discipline of motion and exercise, and not to forget, the books to read in order to maintain not only the body but also the mind, an important matter in this stage of my life. Take action and move, don't waste time, travel and explore, the world is still full of topics of interest and opportunities to learn. Take a walk in the city and record the items of interest, as part of a memory search, writing my personal history in the form of images, taken on a walk outdoor, enjoying the solitude of the city, and in a remote way taking part of urban life, to observe the faces of the crowd that I try to follow, despite failure, step by step, in my way!
29/12: life joke :: closure -- clear vision, the end of a year the cycles are done, life goes on with food on the table and, hopefully, everything stable!