project  ::  experience --  flow  time

                                   silence ::  draw -- clear  plan

These notes, taken from my diary, express thoughts about writing, as a means to take distance from events, confrontations, and other challenges in life.. They were originally  written on paper, instead of my notepad, with my favorite tool, a pencil that is been of great value throughout my life, both for drawing, keeping a schedule, and of course, writing, indeed,to take distance!

                             record  ::  write --  life therapy

26/5: And then, here is this big white sheet of paper to write, but write what, my adventures, or my intentions, or my future, it is all in the mind, but writing is fun, or it should be, however it easily turns into another moral obligation, to be creative, or productive, or active, but active doing what? Well, obviously, writing, for whatever it is worth, as an act of expression! 


31/5: But where to go from here? Now, sitting in my corner, reading about violence, thinking what to do, reflecting on incidents of domestic violence, planning, or at least thinking about planning, my future, my rights of self-regulation, and my capabilities of individual subsistence, if needed without support from anyone. Nevertheless, I do not aspire a lonely life, a life of solitude. I do enjoy the kids, that is, the young girls, and I admit I do depend on the family, the three women in my house, to give me joy in life. A bit of reflection makes clear that my life without them would be empty. So, I do impose a limit on my protests, and my attitude of rebellion, and try to conform to the rules imposed on me, such as limiting my smoking,. washing my feet, and cleaning the kitchen of honey. Nevertheless, I (will) refuse to submit myself to unreasonable moral restrictions and unfair criticism that aims at suppressing my vitality, or, even if not so intended, results in putting me down, limiting my joy in life, or in other words killing me mentally. Authorative dominance is a cultural trait that I do not accept. I never did, that is my personal history, refusing to accept stupid moral dominance, as a rebel. 


2/6: And here I sit again, not sure what to do, after running, to comply with the moral obligation to be active and fit, but, in all honesty disappointed with my level of fitness and overall physical condition, and, sincerely, tired of all moral obligations, eventhough I cannot deny the necessity of imposing such obligations on my (current) life, an issue of lifestyle, you might say. What do I want with my life? Well, although it is nearing the end, being over seventy, I still wish to continue it, even after considering suicide to end all suffering, including the physical pain, the mental boredom, and the annoyance of domestic life, with a wife that becomes increasingly dominant, imposing in my view unnecessary moral constraints, with respect to outer appearance, cleanliness and issues of hygiene, partly due to her background culture and partly to her competitive nature, which amounts to playing power games to establish her status. But after giving it some thought, I decided that it is better for me to go along with many of these things, and adopt a partly stoic attitude or warrior mind, and try to see the positive side of things, that is take profit of the opportunities this life offers and do my own thing without too much thinking, presenting a zen state of mind to the outer world I live in. Note, for now my choice is to write on paper, with my 2B 0.5 pencil, my favorite tool, also being motivated by the desire to be independent of electronic devices, and stay unplugged, leaving the use of these devices to the production stage, that is when I decide to publish this material.


17/6: Yesterday, I took the tram to go to the Zeeburg camping where mother and daughter stayed, sleeping in a small tent bought for an earlier hiking tour in Bakkum, about a month ago, to relieve the tension from intense studying, and as a reward for the positive, that is actually negative, diagnosis of a potential brain tumor. Negative, in the sense of nothing of the sort. That is, positive, no brain tumor in sight, just a psycho-somatic symptom, likely a result of stress, that was characterized by the medical doctor as functional neurological disorder. As I said, a big relief, but of course the agony of the symptoms remained. What to do? Well, go for a hike! Now with all the stuff available for camping and hiking, including a tent, a sleeping bag, as well as a suitable backpack for carrying all that stuff, she decided for another hike, at camping Zeeburg, and to do some kayaking, as well as just take a rest in a more natural environment. Then, after the first night, she decided to invite our oldest daughter, and planned for the youngest and me to come for the saturday, not for camping, but just for some swimming and kayaking. Since she didn't look on her phone when we arrived at the Flevopark, the endpoint of line 3, we started walking, and after some thoughts, looking for the bridge where to cross, what I think, is the Amsterdam Rijn kanaal. At some point, a woman started talking to my daughter, who was about ten meters in front of me. We crossed the bridge and met my wife and daughter at the campsite. At-the campsite, after some ten minutes, a police car came in, with two young, I think Maroccan guys, cops. They started talking to my daughter, then my wife joined, and then I went to them as well. They explained that they got a call, apparently from the woman, who was worried that something might happen to that little girl. The policemen now were satisfied with with the safety of the situation, but they took my name. Her mother thought it was due to my clothes, but I see it differently, that is I agree that my appearance arouses suspicions, but it is not so much my clothes as my posture and attitude. Typical middle class prejudice. Neurotic fear, fed by tension. It is their problem. And I have to cope with it. But my limits are clear, I think, that is the-benefit of such an (amusing) event!


23/7: It takes a long time to get organized, and then for what purpose, to feel more efficient, being in charge, being able to do things with which to express or show myself, supporting the ego, let the thoughts flow into actions, using my hands to write or draw, giving the impression I have a true grasp on things, on reality. Really? Or is it just an impulse driven from competitiveness, showing that I am still able to deal with all the technical stuff, on an equal level, or even better than my wife, who too often criticizes me, and so my efforts may also be looked at as a way to restore self-esteem, to support my ego, which is too strong in her opinion, and that of many others, but which, in my opinion, is necessary to manage myself, and deal with all the responsibilities that my environment, which includes her, imposes on me. And then, life continues! Jotting down a few words. Does it make a difference? It does, in terms of time spent, of effort to be productive, and it is the kind of activity, or noise, if you want, that certifies a particular form of presence, the expression of a part of our hidden self, in combination with the mental turmoils that occupy the mind at a particular moment. On the other hand, I must realize that writing these words is in some sense just another moral obligation, to fill the space that is left, so I can store the paper away in my personal archive of jotting, which contains mostly memories and mental eruptions, that might be looked at either as a reflection or an escape from current reality. I started the day with writing, about individual autonomy and diversity, which might be considered as ramifications preparing for our trip to China, which likely will be full of tension, unless we succeed in keeping our heads cool. As a writer, I can take distance, in an attempt to confirm my role as a wiser aging person. Whether I should go public with it remains an interesting and intriguing question, which requires some more jotting, in the future! 


27/7: When is the best time to take, or jot down my last notes, just before leaving for China, now or later, when there is daylight? Difficult to answer, and in a way a silly and stupid question.  Just jot down what comes to mind, and don't postpone, waiting for the right moment, go with the flow, avoiding items on a to-do list that blocks the mind from living the moment. In other words, keep it simple! Well, that is for me, just let it go, whatever happens is not my problem, as long as I stay relaxed and do my own thing.. I am quite well prepared, and have the material to smoke, write and draw, and as such I am prepared for a period of solitude, looking at the clouds and minding my own business, except that I feel responsible for the well-being of my children. The challenge for this period will likely be to (re) learn the language, not that I intend to speak a lot, but just to be able to listen, and perhaps even understand what is going on, and to respond in a surprisingly advanced way, wu wei, that is non-action in action!


8/9: Looking at all the faces, I feel withdrawn. All these people, their face muscles prominent, I feel the need to avoid, stay friendly, fake a smile, and then leave, making up an excuse, as if I am busy too, which is only partially true. The real truth is that I am tired, due to the heat, 30 degrees and over, for the last couple of days, and still exhausted from our trip to Shanghai, with the almost non-stop pressure from the parents of my wife, and her withdrawal, forcing me into passivity, that I tried to cope with by reading and even re-learning the (Chinese) language, which I found more difficult than expected.  Nevertheless, I caught up with a few bits and pieces, most notably robot (jigiren), dizzy (han) and foggy (momo), which is my youngest daughter's nickname. Back in Amsterdam, I feel a bit stiff, and tired, still reading to much, yesterday for example Gravity's Rainbow, a heavy and rather chaotic novel, too long. And giving it an effort to read through, the result was that I couldn't sleep, but nevertheless, today I forced myself to take a walk in the park, and to put two drawings on instagram, imposing a moral obligation on myself to stay active and to possibly being a bit creative, despite the limitations on my eyesight! In a way it is a (big) disappointment that both my older children did not contact me after our return, but of course I could also see it as a relief, their life should not be based on my existence, but on their own drive to live a meaningful life. For next week, I have to prepare myself for taking up the daily business of living, bringing my daughter to school and meeting my paternal obligations, that is keeping in touch with the other parents and the kids' teachers. 


8/10: I just wrote I little piece about how bad I felt when she left for the retreat, Just complaining about "your irresponsibility", mine that is, because I did not take all the precautions she considered necessary when our youngest wants to play with other kids. But I trust her, and I was amused how rebellious she was, and in the end all went well. She and her friends grow up fast, no reason to worry too much and fall into the trap of the anxious parents. That day I also saw my son and grand daughter, and later my oldest daughter joined. After that I had to leave and teach. Despite, or perhaps because of, my bad mood, teaching went well and the kenshi were satisfied, as I was myself. Well, just jot it down, and take some distance. Task done!

          talk  ::    fun --  city walk

Concluding, by exception these notes were written on paper, to feel again the power of a physical medium, and later converted to text using my digital notepad, by writing, indeed remarkable. Now, often when people ask me, "how are you doing", I answer by saying, "well, I am still alive", which fortunately is not only true, but whether I show it or not, I actually do enjoy it, and as as you may have read, writing, whether on paper or pad,  is one of the essential instruments, a tool that as said allows me to take distance, to support me in my survival game.

  rebel --  go for it  !