Embedded Files
2/1: reflection(s) ... the start of a new year, already the second day, what is there to say, no fear, there will be another day, and another year, and even with the pressure of time, relax, life goes on, just move slow, and go with the flow, take action when there is a goal, and enjoy the reward(s), clear the mind, and have fun, even if you don't know the value of it, it doesn't matter, just throw the word(s), bit by bit, day by day, and whatever you say, I try not to judge, but go along, follow the crowd, and, indeed, please, I do it my way, with discipline and a clear mind, if I may, and, in my opinion, there is no law, other than the rule(s) of the game ... what game you ask, well simply, the game of life, the one we like to play, a game of chance, which requires some discipline, to sing my song, and please, no, it is not a joke, I throw some word(s), and go out for a smoke ...
4/1:... after reading on writing, I am a bit in doubt whether to write and what, why should I make the effort(s), well... ask the dust ... it may give an answer to this question, and solve the problem(s), but it may also lead to error(s), in an attempt to create self-esteem, find the math of breath, in solitude, by making noise, on paper with a pencil, or using a tool, a tablet, which allows for hand writing with annotation(s), that give access to the underlying layer(s) of thought, indeed, an intellectual game, to get lost in a sea of word(s), that reflect the modern world, in a poetic way, just follow the link(s) and, indeed, get lost, to find the idea(s) that have value and may guide your life, by a phrase or two ... step by step, just look for the right signal/perspective and go with the flow, until you're on the edge, then let it go and try to bring order in your life, observe, reflect, connect the dots, and find closure, ... your self story ...
7/i: ... late in the evening, the start of a new year, at home with the children, who again go to school, they have to be in time .. and prepare for exam(s) ... for parent(s) stress, which on top of a busy life may lead to a crisis and the desire to take distance, and find refuge in solitude and intellectual activities ... clear, but, however you look at it, the children need our support, and even though they challenge your attitude, one must see the humor of their rebel behavior, it is part of their stage in life ... so, the question is how to cope with the dilemma(s) of domestic life, the pressure of time, the work one has to do, and the fear of problem(s) of health and security, for example due to the traffic, with weather code orange, now, in my opinion, the answer is not to run away, but to stay calm, with a clear mind, and to do the task(s) at hand ... well, judge for yourself, adapt to the force(s) and go with the flow ...
10/1: ... life goes on, another day, what to say ... a bit in doubt whether to write or not ... what is the use of such creative act(s), to keep my self busy, find meaning or value, or do I want to reflect on my life ... get access to the stream of thought(s) in my mind, relieve the brain, and not to forget the body, of the pain, and just write to take distance, clear my mind, and adapt to the pressure of time, the tension of domestic conflict(s), the dilemma(s) in communication with the children, and accepting solitude, find rest in silence, and, of course, maintain my discipline, exercise balance, and occasionally, in case of conflict(s) use my voice, to express my opinion, and find the energy to make some noise, just for the fun of it, and claim my space, still happy that I do not have to work or go to school, free from those stupid trap(s), but still with the need to adapt, take position, and go with the flow, even if I have to walk slow, I am ready to fight for my right !
12/1: ... again, in doubt whether to write or not, but why not give it a shot, as a reflection on life, I feel the pressure of time, and in the last few days, the fear of going out, due to the ice, I might fall down, which is a risk, since I am getting old, it even takes more effort to deal with the cold, but the snow is gone, so it is safe again, but, of course, there is stress, even though the domestic problem(s) seem less, the children work for their exam(s), happy sound(s), and of course, the noise, school is a trap, but also fun, to be with their friends, learn, come home and study, just wait and listen, and even when I am in doubt, what to eat, what to read, and where to go, I try to adapt and go with the flow, if possible without pain, share life with my wife, who should not complain, their is nothing to gain, just select from the option(s), make a choice, and use your voice, life goes on, day by day, find your way, scratch some word(s) ... whatever you say, I am here to stay ...
14/1: ... again I eat too much, again and again, it never stops, I failed to play the hunger artist, and, again in doubt whether to write, I throw some word(s), to maintain the habit, gain or no gain, use pencil and hand(s), and not to forget my tool ... work on my self image, no I am not a fool, even though it takes effort(s) to keep a clear mind, and go out for a walk, to free the space for my children, and take some time to read, about the dance of anger, which might help to repair the domestic relation(s) a bit, anyway it indicates how to think about the current affair(s), with stress on the notion of self, the value of self-esteem, and the importance of clear goal(s) and discipline ... to govern our act(s), connect to others, and take action(s), which, of course includes exercise, find balance with my own two hand(s) and fight the force(s) of life, in a social context, and with some support, go with the flow ... for the fun of it ...
16/1: reflection(s) .. tonight I had the option to go to a party, I decided not to go, but now I am in doubt whether I made the right choice, I did' stay at home, to read and do my exercise, and read again, about writing, to clear my mind, and explain why, partly because of the pain, stiff legs, and, you might say, a stiff mind, not willing to leave my comfort zone, go out for a walk, and talk with people I do not know, no it is not fear, it is, as I said, a choice, to stay in my corner, and avoid the crowd, but I did look at my phone for a signal that would tell me to go, break my solitude, and force me to connect, but, indeed, there was no signal and, now I am at home, in doubt whether I made the right choice, hard to say, but that is the way it did go, and that's it for today !
18/1: ... stress is a remedy against the pressure of time, to regain control, forget oneself, and focus on issue(s) that matter, accept limit(s), and search for the power line(s), take action(s) ... like self-hypnosis ... in search of item(s) of value, set goal(s) and go for it, to gain the reward(s), and learn how to deal with error(s) ... change pattern(s), focus attention, with a clear mind, and walk the talk, in conflict(s), and the discipline of daily life ... but then relax, ask yourself who am I, and why do I write ... well, simply to relieve the stress, and get rid of the illusion(s) of a busy life, moral obligations) and, indeed, the pressure of time ... just face reality, observe and find frame(s) of reference that meet the situation, reflect on the past, and look into the future, make plan(s), and go along with what is present, move slow, and watch the shadow(s), try to solve conflict(s), listen to advice and find your way, indeed, go with the flow, that is what I have to say, again, today !
21/1:... what I write about when I write ... it it hard to say, and after reading about writing, I even do not know whether I want to write, so, again in doubt, I do write, by hand, on my tablet, to convert it with my tool into a multi-surface layer, as an expression of my thought(s), no formal story or description of any sort, I just throw the word(s) as they come, no system, no math, only the flow of my hand(s), which is, as you will understand, an expression of my brain, to clear my mind, and to be able not to complain, and deal with the pain, go out for a walk, and if I need to talk, the word(s) are there, to serve my goal(s), to let you understand, my position, where I stand, and use my voice to speak, give my opinion and if possible some inspiration(s), and whether you like it or not, just click on the dots, and then you know, how I try to deal with ..., indeed, the flow ... the flow of my life ... and the issue(s) with my ...
24/1: reflection(s) .. day by day, what can I say, a life of solitude, playing the pain game, a bit of fear to go outdoor, to walk takes an effort, to find the correct posture, stay in balance and face the crowd, with in my mind the memory of travel(s), and I ask my self why ,.. what is the fun in being old and feel the cold, walk with pain, what is the gain ... but, indeed, that should be clear ... I like my corner, our domestic cave, read a book, do some exercise, eat, and work on my computer, to include the facebook memory of today in my cycle(s), so what can I say ... well, today, I read about mental illness, a writing guide, and then reflect on my life, confront my fear to move, and do my balance exercise, not perfect ... but, indeed, in case of failure try again, and challenge your attitude, get out of the cage, look at your fear, take a breath and face reality ... and write, just for the fun of it, draw an image, throw some word(s) ... life goes on, so go, indeed, go with the flow ...
26/1: ... I read too much, and the question is do I write too much ... should I read and write less and focus my attention on other things, like go outdoor, to walk or watch a movie, or should I write about more specific topic(s), collect from memory, or even set myself the goal of writing my autobiography, instead of sticking to my habit to throw some word(s) at the end of the day, as I am doing now, twinkle, scratch ... well, remember, I made two error(s) in the past weeks, not going to a party, and I did not record a link of an online dance performance, and even though I did my exercise(s), no, it was not perfect, but this is what I have to accept, life is not perfect, and for this I use my phrase ... in case of failure -- try again, and that is what I do, and, even though I did not feel like it, I registered my daughter at eight schools for a possible change at the end of the year, stupid trap(s), but I try to conform to the order of our modern life, the utopia of rule(s), and make effort(s) to have a clear mind, and the discipline to exercise, support my children, and find balance in a life of solitude ...
28/1: reflection(s)... a long day reading, again in doubt whether I should write ... or finish american scream ... well, why not scratch a bit my self, to find my identity, and connect with my dream(s), in search of balance, which was not so good today ... what can I say, but the usual things, in case of failure -- try again ... a matter of discipline, mind over matter, and, of course, to maintain focus ... don't eat before exercise, but with a body in pain, I do not complain ... I don't have to be perfect, just accept my limit(s), and do my exercise(s), take a breath, and adjust my posture, to be able, indeed, to deal with domestic tension(s), the pressure of time, my need for self-esteem, and, whether they conform with reality or not, make effort(s) ... to achieve my goal(s), not for reward(s), but for a bit of fun ... to play the game, and follow my guide(s) to fight the force(s) of life ...
30/1:.... a bit low on energy, I listen to the sound of the hair dryer of my daughter, and hear voice(s) on the street, people walk by and talk, music in the cave, I wait in my corner for inspiration, and reflect on the daily affair(s), life with the children, training, hand stand exercise(s), all part of my daily discipline, a system of habit(s) to which I conform, as a way to adapt to my current condition, my stage of life, and if it sounds like a poem ... well perhaps that is the best way to look at it ... even though in general I do not like poetry, despite the flash of insight, that can only be expressed in a poetic fashion ... by throwing word(s) in the sky ... as music in space ... that target the shadow(s) in my mind, to activate the body, and create image(s) to follow, a guide to fight, and manage the confrontation(s) with the force(s) of life, the conflict(s), the effort(s), the discipline, all that is needed to keep a clear mind, be kind to wife and children, and, even though slow, go with the flow, find my form and a time frame for action(s), to, what shall I say, well, simply to find my way ...
1/2: ... life is not a joke, and that is why I smoke, and look at the sky to ask myself why, why this and that, have a chat, talk with my wife about our life, and read about the beat(s), the dance of anger ... the noise of the children, and the strategy to follow to change school, and not act like a fool, but find a way to be smart, face reality and deal with the dilemma(s) that are part of family life, in a period of tension, with the pressure of time, so what to do to maintain posture, find balance, handle money issues, a small house and rebel children, well, just reflect on it, get a clear mind, and do the work, in other word(s), be rational and try to have a bit of fun, adapt to your energy level, and have the discipline to exercise, follow your dream(s), and don't forget to eat, but not too much, look at the future, there is more to come, it is all part of life, as you know, there is only one option, indeed, go with the flow !
4/2: ... when in doubt, what to do ... some say just do it, others say don't, wait, for inspiration, it all depends on who you take as a reference, some say, you must write every day, and some say, don't ask why, just give it a try, write a bit, for the fun of it, throw some word(s), it doesn't matter what, just do it, to develop the skill(s), and clear the mind, reflect on whatever is there, let the word(s) flow, to uncover the value(s) of your experience(s), to find the way to deal with dilemma(s) and the opportunity that life has to offer, to recover from error(s), like smoke in the microwave, cigarettes catching flame(s) followed by an explosion, due to water to control the smoke, indeed, life is not a joke, and it took some effort(s) to clear the mess, and get rid of the broken glass, but let's be clear, it is all part of life, and fortunately, there was no serious damage, other than in the mind, so please be kind, don't complain, apart from the fear there was no pain, just wait for another day ... and that is all I have to say ,..
9/2: ... I can walk the talk, error, talk the walk, but can I still walk the talk ... well, it takes some discipline, but I give it a try, don't ask me why, that should be clear, I would say, as long as I can walk my way, ..., and if you don't agree... well, let's see... what can I do ... I can talk my way out of it, or fake it a bit .., when there is a problem, there is likely a solution, perhaps not in the best way, but that is not for you to say ... so whatever is at hand, be rational, and give it a try, face reality, and look for a smile, watch the children have fun, and find inspiration in their energy, the gift of life, and for me ... there is not so much left to do, just connect, walk slow, and go with the flow, which in practice means domestic life, task(s] to do ... guide the children, and keep track of my habit(s), exercise, in search of balance, eat, but not too much, and do my work, now with a focus on memory cycle(s), but that may change, that is the pattern of life, my life. and ... well, you know ... just go with the flow ...
11/2: reflection(s).. I feel a bit lost, now, after reading about cyber culture, a life of digital chaos, body and mind affected by technology, transforming experience into a reality of confusion ... it made me remember -- howl -- an item of the beat generation, with aspiration(s) from zen, the confrontation with the void and the search for meaning, living in the city, as a rebel, with a zen state of mind, to face the dilemma(s) and deal with the force(s) of life, ready to attack at every moment ... what road to take to get out of the way ... digital or in real space, with human or artificial intelligence ... there is no way to say ... manage yourself and pray, to find a way out ... life goes on, and whatever you say, you have to walk the talk, even if it amounts to nothing ... face reality and gain the reward(s), set your goal(s), follow the crowd, and when in doubt make a choice ... select an option, and, listen to what I say, to find your way, indeed, just go with the flow ... the flow of life ...
12/2:... a body in pain ... no, I did not train ... instead I read, in the corner of my cave, that is where I feel safe, and I am able to observe family life, wait for inspiration(s), and reflect on my history, the event(s) in my life, and I ask my self ... should I write these down, or just let it go ... image(s) in my mind, in flux, one after the other, with no clear connection(s), although there is often a reference to the event(s) of the day, but what can I say .. perhaps I should ask ChatGTP to write my history, and then I could say, look here is another book, but that is not my way, I rather listen to the sound(s) around me, fragment(s) of music, life is not a joke, and, indeed, that is why I smoke, and sing my song, but for how long ... not looking for fame ... but, yes, I want the flame, the energy I need to face reality, the demand(s) of life, adapt to the children and the work of my wife, who gave me a treatment today, and, again, what can I say ... life goes on ... tomorrow is another day ...
16/2: ... I think it is time to throw some word(s) ... lost in the affair(s) of daily life, a life of solitude, with both the pressure of time, and, even though I am retired, the pressure of work and discipline ... but at the same time the wish and need to rest ... the body in pain ... but I do not want to play the pain game, so I did my exercise ... no pain no gain ... but did not find the proper balance, so again in doubt, what to do... skip it, or just continue, and, as I wrote -- strumble along ... and only later I found out I invented a word ... strumble = struggle + stumble ... is it an error or a poetic invention ... well, who knows ... I also wanted to list my error(s) of the last period.... skipping a party, nor storing a link to a dance clip, eating to much, and a day without exercise ... is it serious ... well it depends how you look at it ... there is some anxiety about our travel, next week ... the body in pain ... I can talk, but of course I have to walk, so I better strumble along, I might even look at it as an application of crisis theory ... challenge my attitude / horse year ... and just go for it !
20/2: reflection(s)... two more days, and we will travel, for a week, it is an adventure, and considering the energy of the girls, I even feel a bit anxious ... can I walk the talk ... anyway, I will try, and do it my way, walk slow, and make my effort(s) to go with the flow ... I strumble along, step by step ... .today I even did select what to take along, the usual minimal approach, but, again, I made sure I have enough to smoke, well, you know life is not a joke, I sing my song, and, again, make the effort(s) to go along, and now I must focus on a clear mind, forget my error(s) ... the last one, which I did not mention is pay money for -- crisis theory -- but after all, reading -- outline --- it may have been worth the money, to support my intellectualism(s), which allows me to talk ... throw word(s) ... and find self-esteem in being able to face reality. follow the crowd and, as you know, indeed, go with the flow ...
6/3: ... it is time to get back on track ... during and after our travel no writing, no drawing, only reading and thinking, about the issue(s) of life, dilemma(s), my physical condition, and of course politic(s) ... how to deal with situation(s) of conflict, which require the power to adapt, and face reality in a rational way, and at some point(s) a choice... between discipline and ambition(s), and of course my advice is clear ... walk slow and go with the flow ... even though, indeed, I might get lost in intellectualism(s), well, it is usually just a game of word(s), which may lead to confusion ... but that is my way to act, as a guide on the side ... I listen to the noise, and make a choice ... either for silence, or to use my voice, throw some word(s), and then wait ... but how do I know what to throw, and often I ask my self why even try ... and when I make an error, by ignorance or stupidity, there is only one answer, accept, reflect, value your failure(s), clear your mind, and continue, act slow, and, go with the, well by now you know, indeed, the flow ... the flow of life ...
9/3: ... a busy mind, even though my life to well-organized, and there is nothing that really needs to be done, there is the pressure of time, do this, do that, but why, and what, not for the reward(s), but perhaps simply to have an empty todo list ... and a record of action(s) ... look, I did it ... like writing, another task, but it might howe value to express my doubt(s),... yesterday was women(s) day, I went to the place where there was a music and dance performance, in fear. to be an outsider, but I mixed with the crowd, surprisingly well, still I was in doubt and when the dancer came to me to pick a leaf of her body, I just gave her a look, in doubt what to do ... then she moved on ... doubt from a lack of vision, and not sure how to act, and before, in doubt whether to go or not, I did go, due to advice of my daughter, and together with my wife, it was a good experience, watch, have something to eat and talk, and after that walk home ... of course with some pain, but, you know ... no pain no gain ...
11/3: ... writing at my desk, with support for my tool, a long time ago since I did that, usually I write in my corner, but now, after my meal, in doubt whether I should have taken the pizza instead of the sate, again in doubt, error after error. time to throw some word(s), in an attempt to embrace life and accept both my error(s) and my limit(s), but, indeed, failure -- try again, and let it go, take a breath and find the right posture, whatever the issue(s) are ... domestic conflicts, children at school, kempo politic(s), it doesn't matter, keep balance and the discipline to exercise, challenge your attitude and follow your inner guide(s), just manage your time flow, and look at your shadow mind, reflect on your experience(s) and embrace life, tomorrow is another day, well, no comment on that, just focus attention on what is of value, connect and join the party, frame your goal(s), and face reality, and in case of error(s), again, adapt, set limits, and get the work done, control your effort(s), and listen to the music set by your theme(s), so if you think I talk to myself, you're right, but you may read it like a joke song ... flame ... the brain on fire ...
14/3:... another day, what can I say ... het viel wel mee ... a confrontation with my history, a flash of memory, recollection(s) from my kempo past, being part of the tough guys, well, you know, rebel go for it, in other word(s). part of the crowd... in search of... what ... what was it that gave us the power, the energy, the dedication and motivation to train kempo ... a slow, almost invisible process of growth, which gave each of us a community that had a positive impact on our self-esteem and gave us the force we needed to deal with the confrontation(s) and conflict(s) in our life ... any way, all I can say, I did it my way, and apart from my memory, at my age I can still practice, but now as a guide on the side, give advice, throw some word(s), and, indeed, that is why I write ... to be able to talk the walk, and strumble along ... to assist other people to find the way ... and show how to go with the flow ... the flow of kempo ...
15/3:... why write ... the more I read about writing ... and to be honest I find I read too much, in my home corner, book after book, .. it takes discipline to get out and walk, a moral obligation, day by day, today to the park, and I was in doubt, but I did not take the fly wheel ... instead, I look at the crowd, make an effort to keep my balance, and find a place to smoke, after all, you know, life is not a joke, and with a busy mind, money issue(s), what to eat, where to go, the answer to my question is clear ... just throw some word(s) , to create the image(s) for my self that I take action, and in a way, just to write what you have to say, with the pen in the hand, gives some relief ... from the pressure(s) of the day, and once more I can say, to complete my creative task(s), to end the day, in an intellectual way, take distance from the affair(s) and the demand(s) of life, a reflection in word(s), to set the theme(s) for the future, and let the stream of thought(s) out, to find the way ... to continue ... in other word(s), to throw, indeed, is a way to go with the flow ... the flow of life ...
16/3:... to continue the question(s) ... why... why this, why that .. or, differently ... why not this, why not that ... or, why this and not that ... well, it is just a game of word(s), an excuse to write down whatever comes to mind, not as a craft, but more a joke of some kind, throw word(s) just for the fun of it, but to be more serious, indeed, why write .. and if so, what to write ... and, as I indicated, after reading so much about writing it also means what not to write ... if I take as a question why die, the answer is clear, it is to allow ourselves the gift of fear, to transform the anxiety and stress of life into a positive experience, by posture and breath, to challenge your attitude, set your goal(s), and, despite the pain, gain the reward(s) ... in other word(s), face reality and be happy with a zen state of mind ... a clear vision that allows you to follow the power line ... so, what I will not write about, for now, is the details of my daily affair(s), the sense perception(s) of what I observe, the story of my life ... well perhaps in the future, for now it is just a way to take some distance, throw some word(s) ... indeed, just for the fun of it ...
18/3:... election day, it is a matter of choice, politic(s) ... again, I was in doubt, but I am happy I was corrected by my wife, who did select the local candidate I had an eye on, that is life, and after that we sat on the market place, with something to eat and had a talk, about a new patient who is close to death ... take it as an experience, was my advice ... a busy life ... the children at school ... they do the work, all of them ... a lot ... well, this could be part of a story, but, no, it has no plot ,.. just one of the event(s) of daily life ... I look at my todo list,. not a busy life, but still things to do ... face reality ... meet people, go training, and, apart from reading my book(s), I try to bring up the discipline to do my exercise(s), find the power line and balance ... another task I set myself, even though I feel old and suffer from the cold, and to repeat my refrain, no pain no gain, and one way or another it almost sounds like my life story ... but, indeed, where is the plot ...
20/3:... when I think about a plot, it is a story line, or rather my position in a social structure ... how do I fit in, while still being able to observe and reflect, have a role and yet at the same time to be able to act as a rebel ... not fight, but rather make a joke, and sing my song, in short I go along, but do it my way, I wait for the opportunity ... a game of chance ... not so much for the reward(s) as for the challenge(s), as with children, my role is to support them, to make them independent, and fit for survival ... I am happy when they have fun.... and I benefit from their energy ... it gives value to my life ... happy though I do not have the obligation(s) to work for school ... let them learn, so I can have my life, and with some discipline I do my exercise and reflect on what is in my mind, day by day, I still read a lot, and think about the plot, the plot of my life, family life, with children and a wife ...
21/3:... another day, again, what is there to say, I read a lot... invisible man ... and think about the plot ... I write a bit, just for the fun of it .. a recurrent memory is that I enter the room of my philosopy professor, and I hear him say... forget yourself, that is the advice ... good eh ... yes, it is from Goethe ... well you know who that is ... and, indeed, to forget my self and just pay attention to my environment ... it is like meditation with an open focus ... to forget the pain ... in a different context I used to say ... ignorance is bliss ... to sell my approach of how to program a computer ... in daily life it means for me, keep it simple ... which is not easy ... it is the no-mind attitude of zen, take life step by step, adapt by intuition and let yourself go ... indeed go with the flow ... and, in my current condition, I look for the right posture to adapt to the pain, for this I do not need a needle in my brain, but just to know, that with some effort(s), I forget myself, and go with the flow ...
23/3: .. a busy day, get up, do my exercise, check the children, look at my bank account, transfer money, talk with the mother of my son ... about finding a place in life, her visit together with his daughter, the tension between them and his new partner, and, indeed, getting old is not an easy thing, we suffer from the pain in our body, adapt to situations/ of stress, create an image of well-being, and make efforts) to create or find value in life, in other word(s), we still play the game of life, in whatever way we can, sharing the memory of our life of the past, and the future of our son ... well just wait and see .. then after finishing the invisible man, I took a look at AI as a tool for my exploration(s) in writing and drawing, but I think it might be a waste of time, my own tool(s) give me more than what I see available, but a bit of knowledge will not harm me ... and as a surprise, I might say, I took a long walk with my wife yesterday ... she took a photo of me, an old man on a tree ...
25/3:... just when I had the plan to start writing, I got lost in a math problem on facebook, and to my surprise I did learn something new, the effect of a minus power, which results in a division, anyhow surprise is an essential element of life ... in doubt whether to make a drawing of the image where I sit on a tree, after some thought I did it, and posted it on social media, facebook and instagram, and to my surprise, within an hour both got four like(s) ... surprise, indeed, and I am happy I made the effort(s), it did contribute to my self-esteem, and gives value to my motto ... monitor -- life pattern ,.. now, still in search of balance, and struggling with my condition, I write a bit, for the fun of it, and think of my story line ... not to write a poem, or an autobiography, no,that is not for me, too much work, I prefer to take it easy, throw some word(s), and, what can I say, go with the flow, like music, day by day ...
27/3: ... it is difficult to select a pattern of life, face the dilemma(s) and make a choice ... how to act, what to eat, where to go, adapt to the flow ... well, as you know life is not a joke, and, indeed, that is why I smoke ... but still it is not easy to face reality, and walk the talk, but despite the pain, I try not to complain, not about the problem(s),the domestic tension(s),the attitude of the children, there is no gain ... when I go out, I watch the crowd, and try to find a sense of self, find my place ... how do I deal with stress, money issue(s) ... my position in life, my role in the family, and ask my self about my future, how to find the proper form to get my work done, and I see myself in the forest, lost, in thought(s), in search of balance ... remember the sea ... but wait, there is more to say, there are but a few option(s), live by the day, accept my limit/s) and use my voice, speak clear ... and throw some word(s) to write what I did not want to say ... well, you know ... that is my way .... to go with the flow ...
28/3: ... what is the story line of my life... when I listen to music, with a busy mind, I wait for the chance event(s) to guide me to the shadow dream(s) that inspire me and reflect on my education history, and my effort(s) to avoid the trap(s) of a serious life ... solitude, silence ... I do it my way ... and observe the busy crowd, I watch, sing my song ... life is not a joke ... well, you know the rest ... etc ... remember .. I sit on a tree ... write a black diary ... virtual poetry ... the sea ... my history ... children, education(s), work, domestic affair(s) ... it is all part of me ... and what I select ... my way of life ... my style ... create an image to define my role, and use my voice, to speak clear, make some noise ... to find the form and pattern for my story line ... remember my song ... to guide my attitude I experiment with my sense of self, take a forest walk, face the challenge(s), find closure and listen to the signal(s) that guide me in conflict(s) ... and observe the dance of anger, the trigger point(s),the noise ... and act to restore communication(s), find balance and enjoy the theatre of life ...
30/3:... a bit lost in doubt, whether I eat too much, go out or not, what to read, and, indeed, whether to write ... perhaps it is the cold, that makes me feel old, stiff in the body, I feel it even in my hand(s) ... a busy mind, stress,.. well, the cure is simple ... breathe, exercise, and find the right posture ... in other word(s), it is a matter of discipline ... focus attention and face reality ... these item(s) are or my todo list ... and to inspire my attitude I select :: teach -- martial dragon ... as a mission for myself, to set goal(s) for the future ... to present an image to support self-regulation ... to write about it is one way to confront my self with my intention(s) and reflect on what is in my mind ... or is it just a way to kill time, and give the impression I am not a fool, look how I use my tool(s), to put my self on the intellectual map, even though I know it is just a stupid trap ...
1/4: ... late in the evening, I listen to the noise, the hair dryer of my daughter, just finished another book ... tender is the night ... about relationship(s), family life, travel and money issue(s) ... it did grab me more than I expected, with structure and a story line ... self-control, relation(s) and manipulation(s) ... many complex word(s), that I had to look up ... it made me think of my own life, the search for identity, and my current struggle(s), domestic affair(s), the dance(s) of anger, children ... anyway, what can I say, there is energy, every day ... and when I write about it, I must admit that there is value ... life goes on, I just have to manage it, and find a vision and strategy as well as discipline and focus to deal with the dilemma(s) and pay attention to habit(s) and pattern(s) ... challenge attitude(s) ... face reality in a rational way ... throw some word(s), free the mind, and use my voice to say what I have to say ... spring time ...
4/4: reflection(s) ... a life of writing ... how would that be... sit in a chair, my notebook on the table, then page after page, I write a bit, just for the fun of it, a scratch now and then or a scribble, it does not matter, as long a I put, so to say word(s) on paper, or my notebook, day by day ... of course there is a choice, I could write another number 10 with my pen or an extension of my black diary, make it into a manuscript and publish it, as a book, which would support, no doubt, my self esteem, I could even try to write a novel, but then I have to think of a story line, a strategy of writing ... that would take a lot of time, and I am afraid I am too much of an intellectual for that, also I am a bit lazy, I never did like to work in a serious way, also in my career I did just play a bit with it, on impulse, without much thought, to confirm my value and identity, and get the reward(s), respect and money ... so my advice, what I say, find your game and play, day by day ...
5/4: ... in doubt whether to take the time to write, I decided to give it a try ... why, you may ask ... and of course that is a good question, in some sense at least ... the answer is clear ... it is a way to be present, by taking distance, that is by the practice of writing, let the word(s) flow, in a way to show I can direct the flow ... and manage my brain, to practice the skill of writing, using my hand to guide my thought(s) ... to be read on a screen, and create a sense of self, to find the story line of my life ... to draw attention to the issue(s) of value, face reality and attack the dilemma(s) of solitude ... by the effort(s) of work ... the act of writing, the discipline of exercise, in search of balance ... at my stage, not to complain, I have to deal with the pain, adapt to the limit(s) of my brain, and show I still have the will and the skill(s) ... to go with the flow ...
6/4: ... one, two, three word(s) ... what shall I write today, what is there to say, perhaps nothing ... I look at the void and feel the doubt ... my life is not a story, but there is a pattern... I frame my act(s), and hope for the reward(s) .. the energy of action(s) ... create the image of my life as a guide line for the future ... to support my children ... and for my self ... to strumble along, day by day, adapt to my limit(s) and throw some word(s) to say what I have to say ... indeed I do it my way ... follow the road ... to be happy and be present ... you never know ... smart writing ... indeed, there is nothing of value ... empty word(s), nothing to say ... but tomorrow is another day ... spring time ... the children go to school, stupid trap ... and, look, I will finish another book, read in my cave, and go out for a smoke, because, after all, I sing my song ... life is not a joke ...
11/4: ... why write ... again, it is an issue of craft ... after reading, throw out the word(s), whether they have meaning or not, and I repeat my refrain, it is also a way to deal with the pain, a matter of discipline, search for balance, and walk the talk, and even if I do not join the party, I find it important to connect, as a guide on the side, but for the rest ... I follow my way, I talk a bit, for the fun of it and watch the crowd ... my advice .. you know, go with the flow ... observe the theatre of life ... find the energy to do my exercise(s) ... and use my voice to make some noise, and when there is a choice, I think about it, wait and listen ... look at the sky and ask myself why ... life is a game of chance ... there is no story line ... so, I sing my song, and go along ... with an eye for my limit(s) ... a random choice ... where does the road lead me ... the future is open ... watch the dragon fly ... read another book, and look ... the old man on the tree, that is me ... what is there to see ... a shadow image ... my vision of the future ...
12/4: ... observe, guide, reflect, inspire, monitor ... quite a list of word(s)... in my current text ... it is there, but what is the use of it ... it should be a theme, but somehow it is clear, no need to expand ... extend with some quote(s), or title(s) of book(s) that reflect my current condition, domestic tension(s) about respect, life is a battle ... and to talk makes no sense, observe the dance(s) of anger ... between mother and daughter ... but it is a triangle, and I am on the opposite side, with the risk to be the target(s) of both, and it takes energy to cope with the dilemma(s)... I have to act as a guide, but they have to listen, and in that case I have to fight ... and reflect on what action(s) to take ... provide support ... now with a transfer of school(s) ... and in our modern context, which is part of my theme(s), I must face reality and inspire... that is find a form to phrase goal(s) and indicate possible reward(s), not by means of confrontation(s) and conflict(s), but by pointing out the line(s) and frame action(s), like a game, but conform to the order of society ... we have to play by the rule(s), and monitor the effect(s) of our effort(s) ... step by step ... and, well you know,. go with the flow ...
15/4: ... just read a book about the geometry of writing, the form that gives shape to the text, and represents the flow of thought, in other word(s) what is the story line ... where does the music of the mind flow ... it is a way to look at the world, watch event(s), find my vision(s), and face reality ... and I ask my self the question, will she stay away another day ... what can I say ... just wait and listen ... let the children play ... they have their life ... school, a stupid trap, but they have to learn to be smart and conform the the order of life ... of course it takes effort(s), but they get their reward(s)... even as a rebel ... just study and work ... follow the line and everything will be fine ... although for the parent(s) it might give problem(s) ... money, time and effort(s) to monitor there act(s) and guide their life ... indeed, life is not a joke, and as you know by now, that is why I smoke ...
17/4... another day, what can I say, she didn't stay away ... not today ... but the domestic tension continues ... look, where do we go, it is almost like a show ... one fight after another, so why bother ... it is just my wife, and that is part of life ... a slash, a bite, well that is why I write ... to relax a bit ... is that it ... or is there another way to express what I have to say ... I can only repeat ... key issue(s) ... the dance of anger ... indeed, move slow, go with the flow ... clear word(s), but what is on my mind ... it is a matter of choice ... the question(s) I ask now is ... look, what will be the future ... or, in other word(s), I could say ... why not run away ... go some place ..- find another game ... is it about my self ... my need for respect. self-esteem, value in life, or is that all the same ... just reflect... what way to go ... it is all part of the show ... the theatre of life ... children, domestic tension(s), money ... again, it is all part of the show ... the story of life ... in search of the flow ...
20/4: ... although it is spring time, it is still cold, and yes, again, this makes me feel old ... the children are at home, free from school, we did not go for a travel now ... both for reasons of money, and a busy life ... not my life ... my wife... although after our last travel, I am still in search of balance, and even reduced exercise ... indeed, body condition, at the age of 74, I do feel old ... and, in a way, I now prefer rest over action, sit in my corner, read a book, watch the tree(s), and, of course, the sky ... and I ask my self why ... no point(s) ... but as an example, why do I smoke ... simply, life is not a joke, I sing my song and strumble along ... what I read now ... moral philosopy ... about the void, rationality and the soul ... anyway, it is important to have a project every day ,.. practice writing, throw some word(s) ... think about art ... it is a way to find value ... that is to be smart and get the reward(s), even when domestic life is hard ... but life goes on, and ... day by day ... I go for a walk on. and for me ... the key ... speak clear ... talk ...
24/4:... just imagine, a life without discipline ... sleep, eat, rest ... read a book ... perhaps a walk ... spend money ... no goal(s), no work ... watch television ... a life of fun ... but to be clear, not my life ... a life with children, moral obligation(s), attention for dilemma(s), education ... in other word(s)... the future and the value of life ... my life ... now in search of balance, day by day, effort(s) to exercise, work, and adapt to the limit(s) of my condition ... accept my current range of mobility, fear of failure, the pressure of time ... but, I have my tool(s), and set my self goal(s) ... exercise, work on my balance, listen to the domestic noise, and use my voice ... I ask question(s), and guide the occasional fight(s),.. take a walk, throw some word(s), and talk ... indeed, the life of an intellectual ... writing is a tool ... to reflect, and adapt to the order(s) of our modern context, family life ... indeed, with children and a wife ...
26/4:... a life of solitude and compassion, an almost ideal world, from an intellectual point of view ... except perhaps for the common refrain ... I go out for a walk, the body in pain ... no need to complain ... I watch the crowd and listen to the noise ... moral issue(s), in search of value ... the voice(s) of people, throwing word(s) at each other ... what do they say ... well, anyway, tomorrow is another day ... party time, kingsday ... what can I say, I am here to stay... watch the children, go out, listen to music and the noise, perhaps even use my voice ... and play ... I still have to make my dragon fly ... don't ask me why... it is an image to keep in mind, as a moral force, to support my discipline and find the power to show that I can still go with the flow and even know how to act, take a posture and breathe ... it is a form of, remember, skin therapy ... my way to fight and face reality ...
30/4:... day by day, what can I say... just write a bit, for the fun of it ... I play the game of life ... find my form ... draw a line ... whatever comes first ... face reality ... now, is that it, or is there more ... what is the value of it all, I might run against the wall ... in a way, and of course my way, it is about politic(s), in other word(s), communication(s) ... I throw some word(s), with my voice, or on paper with a pencil ,.. now, listen, think, and search for identity ... it is not self talk, and though it may seem an exercise in self-esteem, I think there is more ... there is meaning, otherwise I would not use my voice, but just make some noise, on my drum, and maybe sing a song ... uhm, uhm... life is not a joke ... well, as before, that is why I smoke, look at the sky and ask myself why ... or, indeed, to be clear, even though I like to talk, I might prefer to take a walk and look at the sky with an eye for the cloud(s) ... and find a way to connect, control my life, and show that I still know how go with the flow ...
1/5:... enough moral philosopy for now ... if it was not for my former student, who did study both computer science and philosopy, I don't think I would have read the whole book ... metaphysics as a guide to moral(s) ... so, I ask my self the question, what did I learn ... apart from the history of philosopy ... well, it did give me an insight in the value of a moral code, as well as a vision of moral reality, and the reward(s) of moral effort(s), to find orientation in life, and the energy to act, that is a way to set goal(s), and have an eye for value, the value of life ... love is a way to face reality, look at event(s), and listen ... follow the crowd ... so, why complain, the pain is part of life ,.. it is a guide to give direction(s) of how to act and move, take a breath and focus attention ... in other word(s), reflect on the dilemma(s), make a choice, and if needed, I use my voice to explain, not to complain, but to show, you know my refrain, that my intention is, indeed, to go with the flow, and my way is not to stress, but to throw ... throw some word(s), to articulate the flow ...
2/5:... it is important to select target(s) of value, and develop habit(s) that support life, listen to music and engage in challenge(s) ... the way to do that ir to create image(s) from memory item(s), that indicate choice(s) that fit within the line of history and reflect on pattern(s) and word(s) with meaning ... observe life, not only by means of screen plug(s), but as action(s) that may result in attitude change(s) and inspire moral code(s), that may be read as a poem to support the fight(s) and give the energy to go with the exercise flow, connect with the order(s) of our modern context, and monitor the shadow goal(s) that indicate the way and give form to the experience(s) of event(s), for example travel adventure(s) ... my advice is simple, follow the crowd(s), and your dream(s), but control your mind, because discipline is a guide, also when it is party time, and lost in the maze of crisis, find the flow to deal with conflict(s) ... write about city noise ... manage solitude with common sense, focus on the battle star(s) and reflect on politic(s) as a life adventure, an illusion, which gives value ... to finish the story, select a frame of closure ...
4/5: ... a life of writing, think of a story line, perhaps some thought(s), a bit of drama, and then just write, whatever comes to mind, throw some word(s) of wisdom, and wait for event(s) to happen, by chance, structure will show itself, as in a fight, wait and attack, use the energy of the opponent, violence is a source of inspiration, walk the way of the warrior, be a battle star, walk the talk, and fight the war ... again attack, find the right angle, and follow the code, courage is the knowledge of what to fear, it requires an eye for opportunities, attention, a vision for reality, and imagination for action, do not think, the hand(s) will do the work, and listen, wait for the signal(s) to act, move slow, breathe, focus on balance, block, attack, rest a bit and, again, hit, and with some luck, that might be the end of it, use your voice, make some noise, and walk away ... that is what I had to say today ...
10/5: ... please, write a bit ... just for the fun of it ... it does not matter what ... everything is fine ... draw a line ... or a circle ... think of something to say ... how was your day ... what about fashion ... or music ... dance, find the performance trance ... sing your joke song... walk with the crowd ... complain about pain, money, children, the order of life, school(s) as a trap ... or how to learn to fight ... the gift of fear ... brain control ,.. again it does not matter how or what... just have the courage and know what to fear... speak clear, throw some word(s), let it go, adapt to the flow ,.. again, it does not matter ... write, play the game, find the form ... to give structure, tell the story ... what about the children ... they eat, make noise, need my support ... but when I write, I know the reward(s)... energy, adventure ... in other word(s), face it, reality ... and it is clear, I know, the motivation to go with the flow ...
14/5: ... just imagine ... a life without discipline ... only the comfort zone ... no moral obligation(s), work, children, domestic task(s).... is it still life ... and what about a wife ... solitude ,.. or just accept what comes on the way ,.... face reality ... life is a game of chance ... love, conflict(s) ,.. and of course, nothing ... a flash of memory, and look another book ... read, in the corner of my home ... rest in the cave ... but wait, there is an agenda ... what to do ... children, school, paper work ... part of the order of life ... indeed, discipline, accept limit(s), but do the work ... go out for a walk, have a coffee, talk ... about love, politic(s), dilemma(s) ... look at the future, plan action(s)... and the reward(s) ... nothing ... but that is life ... but I am not a fool, I have my tool(s) ... I write ... scratch, what did I say ... nothing ... it is just another day ...
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