Unrecognizable Patterns
My Complex Ex
Inspiration for me comes in odd forms. I beat myself up at times for letting humanity get to me, but i'm a hypocrite in that sense as I understand I need humanity for the basis of most of my thoughts. If I never knew humanity I would not be me as I am now. This i'm aware of. I'd lack most of my language abilities, gone would be all the music, movies, art, and experiences I now take for granted as the sum of the whole that is Kiehl. Removed all that humanity is within me, i'm still confidence in my ability to recognize patterns. If a volcano was smoking and then exploded and I survived.. I would not build next to a smoking volcano again. . lesson learned. So why is it people fail to see the small patterns in life which steer them wrong or disturb others? Humanity chooses to ignore certain patterns that are inconvenient for them and wallow on patterns that serve them no function. This is not the same type of pattern that for example, I ignore a fallen pair of pants on the floor to kick around for a week.. that harms nobody and I enjoy defeating the need to pick it up, simply because I have no female to attract thus a certain amount of freedom is reminded to me every time I see that pair of pants. What i'm talking about specifically is a recent conversation with an ex of mine. In which I will recant now...
Taking nothing away from her my ex, I still to this day enjoy the enunciation of the conversation with her. She has flow and character and uses language well and knows how to manipulate the structure of the verbose to play, dance and outright flirt without flirting. The true female within her. Her ability to read between the lines is well founded and fairly accurate at times, even if she lacks the confidence to believe her own ascertains of the conversation. Her experiences in some areas of life far exceed mine and if I were to guess i'd prolly say she's been in love far more times then I have. Methodical in her means, and exacting in her ways, her ability to hyper-focus on one thing at a time that truely engages her interest rivials that of my own. Creative output abound, she rarely (as far as I can tell) lacks the drive for her own creativity and might even wallow in pride/joy of her ability to stay inspired over a course of the timeline.. All of course relating to one main interest, that of art. Art is defined as "the creation of beautiful or significant things" to simplify the endless definition one could come up with for art. Within that, she is fairly competent at her means to make a living. Always appreciative of the fact that she still enjoys her hobby after she's made it her career, thoughts delude me of how long she can keep up this solitary interest as her main, or is it so pliable there is an endless variance of challenge within art. But this dissertation isn't about her ability to maintain her lifeline on the timeline. This is far more exacting in it's nature as to of course bring about her desire, her enjoyment of emotional causality.
I can of course only imagine if she ever read this that last line of course set up a negative propagation within her minds frustration. She'd prolly stop reading right here and start to skim, only looking for what she wants in this writing, already thinking of a debate against which I haven't even begun to explain as of yet. As she's aware of my issues dealing with her inabilty to define her emotional outlet to herself, without putting much thought towards it, it always seemed innocent between her current mate and herself. But alas this is not true, I see a pattern within her directive. It's something I was aware of when I first met her. But never pieced together how much she may be dependant upon the self supportive cyclic nature of her emotional causality. Allow me to reiterate.
There is a place within her mind I feel that offers her a calm. Perhaps knowing all her ex-relationships are still in communique with her. There is no hurt and empty feeling of having someone who was a part of her life, now completely void within that life. To that I understand, as I maintain friendships with a myriad of my past relations, prolly to expose the same reasoning. It just makes sense to me that if people shared something over the years, it's easy to continue that attitude sans the sexual aspect of the relationship. This is nothing new in the history of man/women.... But where I stop, she continues. In an almost self defeatism pattern she subconsciously insists that the current mate be introduced to the past through her desire for her drive to entertain herself in life.. Without thinking of the consideration of what that does to both parties, more then likely she rests on her laurels that it's "our" problem to deal with her semi-conscious attempt to meld all her relationships (past and present) into one coherent friendship of sorts. But within that is the problem. As her pattern of attitude has shown little desire to know the rational behind her choices, she leaves explanation up to a sizable portion of emotion to dictate her choices. However as I explain to her, is not emotions purpose in life to do such. That when a person sets themselves up to allow emotion to dictate their choices in life, one gets lost within those choices. So as for the why within the how... I create an outline of sorts to explain as many possibilities for this one habit of hers as I can conjure up to help conclude to me which has alluded me.
To begin, I never ask in life how the past relationships absolved. Not really my business as i'm rarely concerned with the past of a current relation. Simply because in my experience of relationships, the past rarely comes into the present. But I can tell with an exacting precision how her and I came to an end. Simply because I lived %50 of the experience I of course have at least half an understanding of the complete nature of that time line. My ability to observe and make rational educated guesses off of my perceptions of humanity has also served me well in the past, to which I would then associate a percentage of %25 understanding on her behalf.. Leaving the remaining %25 open to defeat my logic, nuances and free radicals I might have not noticed in life, prolly to help protect her in-case she gets into a corner with her mind... she has the foreknown knowledge that I do not offer a %100 guarantee on what I see.
To understand her and her past I have to have a full understanding of our months in a relationship and our months past that relationship. She, being a powerful character with her own interests (which I find rare in females), not concerned with the typical drudgery of females such as shopping, decorating oneself in shiny possessions, and talking bad about other females, I found her unique attitude refreshing. It was a battle to win her over, a challenge she did present to me. A challenge great enough I found myself giving up at times due to lack of progression or frustration. But eventually we got past ourselves and started to enjoy each others company. My experience broadened as she exposed me to situations I had yet to have been exposed to. Seeing a confident women enjoying what she does that is also her hobby was another new experience for me. Months ticked by and while the core of the relationship was there, a darkness within my mind was emerging. I at first thought it odd to be exposed to her ex relationships before ours even had any chance to mature.. I remember the details of that... Corey was it? Pocketbook factory with her new girlfriend...That name fails me at the moment as well. I saw that as yet another challenge. To be so bold to expose me to her past at first it seemed a sorts of ego trip to which I was oddly attracted to. The "let's see if this forces him away" game. But then it continued... With another in her life from her past, this man who's immediate presence tells me that of a shy, timid, misdirected man. A man who's art speaks for him loudly where as he should be reflecting in his appearance to what he is capable of creating. I of course can see why she would be attracted to that. But within that sight I also saw a man that wasn't ready to let go of her in his mind. Then another at a party of her's.. although him not being a true "ex" in the sense.. just a failed version that never came to fruition. More then likely his failings then hers, this man lacked the patience and virtue to wait for a moment in which to apply his ritual. Hence another hand I shake that has touched her.
Exposure aside I had the confidence within to not allow that to destroy what in my mind was prolly love. These patterns kept re-emerging without reason other then her desire to continue a communication with her past.. from my vantage point at least. Perhaps she still needed a part of those ex's to complete what was in her mind a direction. The "hey can you do this for me"... the "hey what was the name of that place"... the "wanna go out to eat as friends, even tho I don't know what i'm asking you to defeat to have that dinner with me".. all it seemed to propagate the continuation of her mindset for her own sole purpose. In which she hasn't realized she is using people within that mindset. To ask of her past to remove what they've felt or still might feel to simply amuse her at the moment which was convenient for her. As if to say, our relationship has failed, and this is what I offer you here in the now. Take it or leave it. Now If this offends you, this is where you can stick in the %25 I left open to be wrong in to protect yourself from :) See how nice I am. However being on the receiving end of this spectrum.. I reiterate with a certain amount of confidence and experience.
It wasn't until month 6-8 I believe it was where the emotional causality in which I assumed was a part of her disciplined control exposed itself in true form. Function broke down repeatedly as mood swings came apparent in almost every time we hung out. When asked for the reasoning behind the outlet the reply was always one of the same.. The "I don't know"... Could this be? My perception of this strong willed women was incorrect, that she is a victim to herself along with me too? Without reason and explanation one is left to allow emotion and how "it feels" to dictate the direction. Could she also be lost to why her incessant need and desire to maintain links to her past despite her current situation is also lost upon her? I now found that offensive to me. All the internal battles that I told myself is my inability to adapt to a plan in which she was aware of, now turned against me as I realized there was no plan for her in her mind.. She was simply enjoying the company of the people whom had a sort of impact in her life, while not factoring in the internal battles for each of those whom she might have 'loved' in the past. Once exposed to that I saw the end of us. I saw me as yet another statistic to her sadistic mindset. The forethought that at some point after we break up, she might befriend me and ask of me a special function i've set myself up to be capable of offering, while she is in a new relation. Repeating the same pattern for the current relation as with me, as with her past.
That happened to me yesterday. The thought that I had forgot came back to me upon a rush of other thoughts. Here a mature women in another relationship, more then likely happy within it at the moment decided without thought of her current to ask me of that exacting nature. Which astonished me, which reconfirmed to me my assumptions, observations, and conclusions all of which I still had to battle to justify to myself (as she never really did anything to 'hurt' me to cause a hate or resent against her). Years after her and I, she still repeats the same pattern in which will only hurt or help to disintegrate her current relationship. And of course there's the counter-argument that I've mentioned before. It's "our" fault for being jealous/offended because she chooses to hang out with an ex over something the current cannot offer her.. As you can see, the jealousy and offended nature is warranted by my statement. Here she is asking an ex for a favor based on a special function of the ex that she enjoyed while dating them. Now to ask that of them without offering the whole of her of course is offensive to the nature of humanity. And is the definition of using people. Now, I know.... I know... her friendship should be enough in the aftermath, and i'm the bad guy for looking for more or standing my ground as to call out this hypocrisy. She makes the attempt to extend out, she always has afterwards... but date her and it's vice versa. . Which i've always found interesting to say the least. And I know what it is, it is prolly my fault... Here I claim to be a man whose control over his emotional outlet is more then likely his self proclaimed claim to fame. And in essence pride to not accept her offer is the exacting emotion in which I want to discover and pull apart... But I cannot with reason. I never wanted to end things with her. She made it impossible for me to maintain a degree of enjoyment while dating her (After month 8) due to her incessant need to cry without reason, along with patterns exposed that showed me she's simply riding a wave of life called emotional causality and branding anyone jealous for not accepting her truth as she sees it. As tho somehow she was more then %50 of a relationship... which just seems arrogant in reflection.
So as you can see, there is logic and rational behind my pride. Further proof to you that if you tried and applied yourself, you can more then likely come up with the verbose behind the emotion. But I understand, your current mindset has got your to almost 30 and certainly upon reflection of your accomplishments and goals, to change this isn't warranted.. The "if it ain't broke......" theory... However, you are now aware of at least the minutia of the mindset that your unrecognized pattern creates at least within my mind. And as you know, me being an average uneducated idiot... if i'm capable of these thoughts, u should pride yourself on the fact that perhaps your current is also. But my guess is you simply associate your desire to run off your emotions as the De Facto Standard among those you date... An unwise assumption :)
© Kiehl 2007