Long time no see, but I see we're back.
I write a lot about perception most times and how it affects us in our lives. The title of this page is a bit misleading in that aspect however, as it'll take some time to explain. Most would assume 4:18 is a biblical passage with some deep rooted philosophical meaning that i'd prattle on about and somehow link that meaning to my life and to society.. But it's not, and frankly i'm moving past that philosophy of mine. No; what 4:18 means is simply a time and a date on a digital clock that I may have trained myself to notice due to past experiments with fate. An experiment in which I will more than likely see 4:18 for the rest of my life and reflect back to a period of time in an instant. As such; 4:18 becomes the banner, a logo for that entire period of time, be it positive or negative is up to me.
Let me explain, for years when I was in a state of flow, or in a certain mindset (love) or hanging out with someone, I would subconsciously search for the time (4:18) at almost that exact moment and find it. Sometimes I'd call it out to almost an exacting science, other times i'm off by a minute or two all by a feeling of the day, or the moment. Repeat this for four years and I entirely understand how I have trained myself and my circadian rhythm to pick up and understand the fate of that time by the sense of the day. Then by associating it to powerful emotions I set myself up to reliving years of emotions, snapshots of memories, music, art, dark eyes, etc anytime I now see 4:18. But what happens when that 4:18 feeling turns sour at the very end, which would be such a small percentage over the years? Does the entire perception of that quick glance of 4:18 remind you only of the end? No it does not, but within that glance, you relive the good while knowing why your looking at 4:18. It'd be so easy to be negative; I refuse to. I accept the whole of the relationship, not just the good or bad.
At it's simplest, 4:18 represents a span of years, hundreds of people and thousands of life experiences, time, money, emotional and physical effort, growth and decline. It was perhaps when I was the happiest in life, and definitely the most in love. Everything worked for me within those years, fate and I could do no wrong. When I see 4:18 on a phone or clock now I know why i'm looking at it, staring into the digital abyss as it locks me in a brief memory flashback and depending upon my mood, the memories changes. It has chosen me. Fate it seems is not without a sense of irony. I'll smirk at 4:18 now, or i'll just glance past it, wink at it and play a game in my head. Or just shake my head at what it means now. It's all mood dependant which is something I did not foresee. It's a reflective thought, that I am here yet again Kiehl, and depending on my mood a spiderweb of thought fills my head of her. I know she'll soon just be somebody I used to know, but the 4:18 will live on in my head. It'll never age, never tarnish with time. To me, we're at that one moment in time where nothing and nobody mattered, just us as I glance over and call out 4:18!!! and then pounce to try and crack a smile, or get a squeak of laughter.
But did I actually perceive that, or was I wrong yet again
Here taking the blame for failure of a pairing again is surreal, I swore it last time I wouldn't be here again.. But this time I believe it was me. For everything I am, for all that we were, I don't think I ever got to her soul, her love, her true self. 4:18 didn't know me at the end, lost to what to get me for affection, lost on how to talk to me for insight. Maybe it wasn't there, maybe I had too high expectations. Maybe I couldn't create that bridge for her to reach me. Maybe it was the "try too hard" mantra once again steering me wrong. The sheer amount of effort put into the initial chase set a precipice for the relationship. A challenge that's rejected. That effort was my ego I put forth, to get it back from her. Never will I have that drive again, it's gone within me. I see that now.
So here we are once again. After all my ramblings and understandings in life. It does nothing but create a deeper rift for me to try and figure out within reflection. When all the effort and foresight I thought I put forth into life has yet failed me again, I fall back to this site and spew vile pop psychology at myself in an attempt to wake me up past my own self imposed limitations that I try to raise each time. Set some new vows, and come up with a few more personal sayings. Christ this page is filled with my hypocrisy of not understanding society, yet ranting about it. Something is different this time tho, I think i'm broken. It's not working Kiehl, the path you're on; 4:18 is the time you lost yourself on that path. I see what others say now when they say "don't complicate life", "don't challenge me".. Now I see life, I see what you are. For all that we think we are, we're simply on a ride with no control. What i've been doing is just rocking the boat, never steering it. People don't like the boat rocked, it makes them sick. It's too much work to always keep your eyes on the horizon, straight ahead with a steady mind to avoid seasickness. This is why society rejects me over a period of time, i'm just fucking rocking the boat making them sick of me! Just sit down and enjoy the ride... I see it now,.. it's so clear to me. This is what society has been telling me all along. Is that really all there is to it? It's taken me all this time and effort just to get beaten down to accept the eventuality of fate that I rose up against all those years ago.
God damn it.
Broccoli <3