therelationshippang

TheRelationship Pang

The Subconscious Affectation to be in a Relationship

At the end of any relationship there is always the internal thought of the 'next' relationship at some time line after the initial grieving period. Most people develop their own rules governing the approach of the next relationship in regards to the amount of time they've now been single, the character they've become from the past and various other factors which i'll try to hit on in this dissertation. Based off the lessons of the past, pattern recognition, desparation and of course the subconscious programming of the emotional directive, the next "choice" of a relationship varies drastically. From observation most enter a new relationship based loosely off established parameters from past lessons, and whom is available to them at the time of the "desire" or the "Relationship Pang ". Rarely does one wait for perhaps a better possibility to come along, more than likely due to the unknown fear that passing up a relationship dooms one to be single even longer. As somehow that thought has now become so offensive to the major populace. Rarely does one also leverage the idea that perhaps their life would be somehow better off without a relationship and then have the discipline to follow that mindset.

Consciously aware of my failure rate of relationships (Which is at a %100 failure rate technically) I take a conscious directive to remain single as long as i've been in a relationship. Something i've not been very well disciplined in the past to uphold religiously. The patterns I have seen based off my past performance has taught me that my current routine of dating is not working to my satisfaction. There's a myriad of justifications I have within me to answer why each relationship has failed. Although let me touch of the adjective of the word "failure" first. Yet another disrespect to yourself when you consider each separation of a relationship a failure. Even tho that is of course how the majority sees the absolve of two people within their minds as a "failure". That definition does not carry the truth as I see it. Within each one of those "failures" that may have lasted months to years of course is riddled with life experience, emotional maturity, learning what you do and don't like from others, and of course the reflection of how you handled yourself during those times, which leads to a greater sense of you. So while I use the word "failure" as a generic term to describe my general ability towards relationships, there is of course growth, knowledge, confidence all still positively bundled within that definition.

One of my known faults is the conscious recognition of enjoyment of the honeymoon phase. This is usually defined as the first 3-6 months of a relationship where all stories are new, no patterns of that person annoy you, and generally still is a vast amount to learn of that person, which aids the attraction. Their body is new to you, shape, verbose of their dialect, opinions, their uniqueness and newness creates a safety to distract one long enough to not question them deeper. I see this as the pureness of a relationship simply because it's impossible to maintain along a long enough timeline. Patterns set in, stories repeat, as the realization of a physical attractiveness is not enough to sustain any relationship past a certain point. Truths are uncovered which causes the other to justify them against their personal beliefs, discipline of finances causes question of character, adherence or disassociation of family along the timeline will also formulate an over all opinion of that person based off your personal beliefs as well. Annoyance of habits that might remind you of an ex or it might not be the way you do it seeps in and causes doubt against the relationship. There are so many variables within a relationship making each one unique in that aspect. To which I appreciate, but that alone is not enough to sustain a relationship beyond the Honeymoon Phase.

Being capable of sustaining a relationship into years, i'm aware of the drive it takes to maintain, grow and develop a meaningful relationship. Same as friendship, a relationship requires constant growth and challenge in order for it to be rewarding to the couple. As with the honeymoon phase, if patterns don't mature and grow, once those patterns are recognized and repeated verbatim the allure to the other person declines. This is because human nature subconsciously likes to be challenged. There is no challenge in repeating patterns once learned. Take a walk down the hallway for proof, it took you years to develop that ability to walk and balance without conscious thought to bring it to a level so simplified one can walk without thought applied towards the action. If you take that same callous approach towards a relationship in which you assume the path you are on will not need further enhancement, growth, direction, challenge, etc, that relationship will soon dissolve. Always willing to bring new insight into a relationship is however not the only answer. Long gone are the days of dating virgins with little to no knowledge of relationships, we're now in a equal partnership that both parties have their own past knowledge to base their current actions off of. Along with that comes the stigma of their dating past as well, which seems the hardest obstacle to overcome. The walls created by emotional scars are among the toughest walls in our proverbial mind. They are deep and they are strong, and a few weeks or months will not do anything to lower them down. Everyone seems to get into a new relationship with a protective facade in place to shield them from any emotional attachment right away. And it seems time in and respect of that time are among the only ways to defeat those walls in which we've all built.

So let's assume an example here. We're all no longer rookies in the sense that we all have a few 'relationships' in our past. And assume that despite the odds you've managed to have self respect and not jump into another relationship too soon after the last. A general rule is, as long as you've been dating, you should be single and not even looking; a 1:1 ratio. But in this age of excess and insecurity in America that rule or even acknowledgement of that self respect is disappearing. I being a hypocrite and example in my past of that aversion of a simple understanding of Karma again allows me to speak and understand both sides of the equation while only judging myself. So now we're in a situation where a comparable mate (socially, economically and physically) is sought after and potentially found. I'll skip the obvious specific mating practices each of us has developed over the years to get us to the point of a date with them , and assume we're now to the point of actually starting to date. If you take note, your reaction and attitude should be different then your attitude towards your old friends, co-workers, family etc. You'll be less likely to say something risky in fear of saying something that would cause it to bounce off their walls. Which you assume would cause them to become defensive, annoyed, or plain offended and risk ruining the chances towards another encounter with them. So now we have two people with walls up against each other, with different attitudes then they'd normally have towards humanity all for the hope to not offend each other long enough to assume a routine dating position.. then eventually through time you'll find out the true person and then decide if you want to continue within that relationship or not.

Where does all this effort and self realization get you, even after that relationship has failed despite your conscious recognition that you've done everything tolerable without losing self respect? Single and within a week or a month looking once again for a mate. The offensive part isn't that the relationship failed, or you are now looking for another mate so soon after the dissolve of the last. The offensive part should be the lack of respect you've not only given to yourself, but to your past mate despite the circumstances the relationship ended on. To do so would be basically forgetting the good times both shared, along with any life lessons, experience, morals you've also learned during that time. Because if it's so easy to pursue a relationship so soon in your mind afterwards, to forget and move on, it would be just as easy to forget the expereince and growth it took to get you to that point. Once disrespect falls on your remembered past and your experiences (which are now part of you), the bar is lowered on how little self respect one needs to carry on through out life. What happens after that is interesting, if you are actively looking for a mate soon after the dissolve of the last, you lose that ability to appreciate relationships. There is no karma, no yin-yang to dating, the majority of humanity sets themselves up on a lifetime of dating continuously, without ever having to reflect upon the vast contrast of being single. When you remove a discipline towards a certain action, the action becomes routine and less enjoyable. I say in order to appreciate dating one has to have the discipline to remain single as long as they dated. This sets up another chain reaction, that once you believe and practice this discipline one will be far less prone to the "Monkey Philosophy" of dating. You see, a Monkey does not let go of one branch until it's got a firm grasp on the next. Same with the majority of humanity towards dating. One tends not to choose to dissolve a relationship unless they have another one lined up. While that remark is offensive to most, it also strikes an overbearing truth in today's world. Without that safety net of a next relationship, one would be far more hesitant (due to fear and insecurity of being alone) to dissolve a relationship that just requires a lil effort or tolerance.

In this age of excess and consumerism, our mentality is getting applied towards relationships. In the age of disposable fashion, cars, music, movies, the same mentality that allows us to quickly tire of art and basic interests distort our perception of friendship and relationships. Gone are the days of a community of people that grew up together, as well as those lifetime friends that came with it. Both types of relationships are becoming rarer and more distant. The desire to unattach yourself from anything in our past and to move on so quickly is the basic psychology behind this movement.

Which leads me to the thesis of this doctrine. The base psychology from the discipline of being single for an extended period of time in my social demographics. An interesting conscious idea dedicated to my previous "failures" of relationships. Anyone that knows me knows i've had fairly steady dating principle and practices since before 20. Hopefully never truly insulting my past or disrespecting them either, I found this action was based off my desire to be treated the same. Although i'm sure there is an example or two out there others may argue. Continuing on.... this time was different because as I age pattern recognition becomes stronger and far more apparent. Never one to continue verbatim along a continually failing path, the discipline to make this single period unique was a strong drive. So this time I observed the whole of myself in what seemed a typically normal situation in which I hoped to observe the "relationship pang". The unexplainable desire, urge, calling to seek out and solidify relations with the opposite sex. A drive I know does not exist to seek amblicel friends of the same sex. Which i've always found interesting, however friends and I have always stumbled upon each other, relationships are more like shopping. A friends appearance, social, economical status matters far less then that of a potential mate. A mate unless you truly settle, has a few qualities that you genuinely appreciate and require for the attachment of the status 'relationship' or if you'd like 'love'.

So paying attention, writing notes and observation has taught me a great deal about this. And if you've read protection of my literary selection you'll have already realized why I buried this underneath a mass of writing. So within that I have no insecurity to expose this to the reader.

So what was it?

Starting off after the latest break up, the conscious recognition that I might have failed myself on that one forced me into a position in the corner. I decided that an elongated single period was required to simply prove to myself that there is more to life then relationships. While yes being single opened me up to more areas and time of the opposite sex, the drive to engage them into a flirtatious conversation wasn't there. That alone allowed me vast freedom within my mind to explore more avenues of interest i've always sold myself on the mindset that I didn't have enough time for. Various hobbies were explored that truly made this a great Summer 07', however there was still that 'Pang' as the months grew into summer. The pang that somehow managed to create an illusion that this period seems less enjoyable then it actually was. At start it was easy to ignore, however within month 2 it became apparent. I'd find myself doing oddities within my mind in regards to females. I've noticed the 'hottest female in the room' theory within those early months. How men will be kind and hit on the best looking female in the room, even tho she may or may not merit the attention. Having a girlfriend distracts you away from that simply because subconscious respect to your mate makes her the only one you want to look in "that way". Without the girlfriend there the head was free to roam so to speak. And to witness guys in the crowd doing the same, a waitress with cleavage walks and the heads of the single guys turn looking for eye contact. Even tho i'm not those men, I know exactly what they are thinking even if they aren't capable of the realization themselves. Testosterone speaks the same language. Into month 3 I was asking my peers why they were always looking for the one glimpse of eye contact. Despite no chance of talking to females I noticed men and within myself; the desire for just simple eye contact. The urge stems into recognition of your perception of attraction is looking back at you. While yes men basically look at every female, the variance in mens looks are astounding. However when in close enough proximity or in a car the look for men usually goes for the eyes. Hopefully years of evolution has taught these men that in the slight chance the female is looking at you at the moment you are looking at her close, your look better be in the eyes. Some still fail at it however. Men play the numbers game with eye contact. While I fully admit when I look for eye contact a fraction look back, however when i'm preoccupied within a relationship i'm not even looking. Undisciplined men look at everything and everyone. Locking eyes on a females eyes for as long as their in view all for the hope to lock eyes for a fraction of a second. That's all we want in those chance encounters, but men will still consider it a victory if they only lock eyes with one out of hundreds at the mall, cruising the street, public areas etc..

Treachery against taste

Another oddity in my mind was how my perception of attraction took a noticeable decline when left to my own devices. Almost as if it was a mathematical equation, the longer I'd be single my taste of what I'd normally find attractive would take a noticeable decline. In which it took conscious real time reflection to call myself out on those inner thoughts. That somehow I had to remind myself the reason to why I am now finding a female regularly not normally worth merit to "check out", yet I was checking her out. . Which once I realized what I was doing and looking at, immediately caused a recoil in my mind and forced me back into my normal perception of beauty. After that, would be a form of discipline within my mind to fully realize consciously why I am prone to that wavier in visual preference. Which i've found offensive to myself, that my tastes could sway so easily in such a short period of time. All because of this "pang".. After that realization I had to create a virtual line in my head that I couldn't cross. We all have them, don't deny them, it's not wrong or immoral to have values in which you are unwilling to compromise on. They range from looks, type of body, do they have a car, a job, close to family, single for a period of time etc. It's the re-enforcement of those values to myself I found weaken as time went on. Once recognized as a weakness in my perception, I of course counter-acted the weakening of discipline by repeating my mantra to myself, which helped re-solidify what I would be looking for in a mate, if looking at all.

Could it be Jealousy?

Mostly however I felt the true need, desire, pang to want to be in a relationship when I assumed I saw a working example of a couple in person. TV, movies, songs never really had that effect on my mind that actually seeing a functioning happy couple in person. I didn't even have to know the dynamics of their relationship, or the politics and other important factors in order to feel that "Pang". The sheer visual example would be enough to spark a series of emotional pangs that all related to the drive to want to be in a relationship (not mate). Upon that realization i'd force myself to observe couples to fully realize that desire and pang. The conclusion I've attained from my observations told me an story. And while i'm rarely jealous of another man's female, I also realized that most of that rational is when i've been in a relationship. Of course I wouldn't be jealous of something i've already had, and i've never been sold on the shallow notion that one female is better then the other. (the grass is not always greener) Removing me from a relationship in my mind and examining couples again I was not jealous in the typical sense, I instead found myself leveraging myself against that male because of that female in which I found attraction. I would use things like style, shape of his body, the car he drove to leverage myself against him to avoid jealously. And when I observed a couple in which the male appeared to be beyond my social, economical, physical status I never found myself jealous. In fact it was the opposite, it offered me a fallacy of hope to assure myself that perhaps my time will come, and it served me a function of joy to see a couple from that observation. It was only when a female in which I found attractive, was dating a male in which my base observation told me I had an advantage over him in those areas I found myself not jealous, but more frustrated. Frustrated because beneath it all, I found myself falling on the rational that the reason why this female is dating this male, is she, he or both were unable to avoid the Relationship Pang. That somehow if they had the discipline to remain single for a while longer they'd be far more capable of finding a mate which would suit their needs in my eyes better. Which of course is just a total falsity of justification, because love is blind and the fact that I didn't know the minutia behind their reason, was the reason why i'd bounce back to the simplified relationship pang theory.

Conclusion of my Delusion

In a recent professional writings i've read by Cummings and others. They went on to describe how modern psychology is once again updating their perception on the 'relationship model'. Long gone is the notion people in my generation have that desire to be in a relationship for purly mating purposes, and then further on to be the average Nuclear Family.. The standard model of attraction currently is both partners offer a subconscious idealism through physical apperence that they are both fertile (through healthy hair, hips, large breasts, muscular build etc) and procreation of the species was the main overriding subconscious factor needed to find someone attractive. Purely subconscious desire for procreation, was their conclusion as to why we find people attractive.. Anyone who's dated as of late can attest that procreation based off their choice for a mate is not a valid reason for their attraction. In this modern era where there has been reckless abandonment of birth control practices, there is a definitive line being drawn for those that choose to make their life more about living, then breeding. The reasoning is that there is of course enough people procreating without conscious direction to allow those that can see the fault in that idealism, to redirect their goals in life to allow for personal growth, rather then procreation of the verbatim. Essentially that conscious reconition of modern societies fault destroys the preconcived notion that we bond for purely mating purposes. There is another reason that has been exposed because of this. It's a realitively new idealism towards pair bonding that is starting to take hold. And we're part of it. A distinctive shift in the relationship pardigam for those of us that through observatoin can see the failure in repeating the same patterns our parents and generations before them have done. Earths population will continue to grow with or without our individual actions, there is enough people that are prone to emotional causality out there that allow pure emotional drive to dicate their lives. Those are our friends and family who've married once or twice, and continue breeding dispite finanical, social, situations they find themselves in. There will always be those people that bury their insecurities within their kids, and the constant desire for relationships. Those of us that choose consciously to not be part of that cliqe in america is the remaining minority. It would then be up to us to dictate evolution of humanity since the remaining people are too lost in their own lifes to expereince sustained growth and challenge needed to give purpose to life. Breeding with a failed choice of a relationship, and then putting entire faith of yourself into that child whom was a result of poor choices is not the proper direction in life. One will remain blind and unchallenged thoughout life as a result.

This leads me all to this conclusion. That after all my self-realization, reflection and purposeful exposure to all sides of the equation I have a reason for that "relationship pang". Desire of challenge. A relationship of a mate that challenges you not only on the typical friend level, but the shared challenge to remain sexually attractive to your mate, along with shared goals and direction and constant growth of conversation and thus relationship is what the Relationship Pang boils down to. Others mask their inabilty to conversate and challenge by bluring their rationals in emotional confusion. Logic and rational is offensive to those that do not seek challenge, and they only wish to repeat what they know without the effort needed to learn new traits. And what the majority knows is relationships, and procreating, they've been doing it since High school and continue on that same familar trend allowing the fallacy of procreation to convince them their relationship is worthy of a 'mature' title. Only consciously stepping out of that race for a determined amount of time allowed me to not only see, but feel that pang within me and realize it. It became tangible and something I could dissect and rationalize against my values. This is why I enjoy relationships, they create a constant state of growth and challenge all for the purpose of contrasting life expereince which allows me to grow knowing as many sides of the potential as possible. Finalizing that conclusion for me removes that "failure" meaning earlier from my previous relationships. And I can only thank my previous relationships, for I am proud of the man I am today because of them.