nic

Naively I Concede

The who within the why

Within reason there is a time and a place for everything. There is however, not always a time and place for reasoning. Time, the essence of the the perpetual drive behind us forces a constant state of change upon us all. Naively there are those out there that have a fallacy of idealism that those rules of the universe need not apply to us. This dissertation is a life lesson to me to re-introduce a forgotten lesson that i've already known, but hoped I had forgotten.. I can only think of me myself and I in times like this. How I used time to desensitize myself to the notion of Humanities lack of internal drive for that constant state of change.. that constant state of warming chaos. The drama within the emotion and the logic that fails to follow that flow. How no matter how one tries in life there are those among us that reject a solidified mindset of ideas, laws, regulation, moral code and honor.. Thus they reject me. I just forgot to apply that thought to my friend. My bad.

So now the battle rages within my head. Do i beat myself up for failing to recognize the needs of my friends in every context, so I can alter my outward personality to help these friends of mine no matter what. Always offering the helping hand, never asking for anything in return but a mutual respect which should be given. Putting myself in the constant state of flux all to appease others whom ask nothing from me, but ask everything within their lack of action and drive. The sheer amount of time needed for that type of reflection is then another need of that friend. And is that fair to me to put myself in that constant state of flux and reflective thought to help create a stable base for others? How and where is that line drawn? One would have to account for the years in the relationship of friendship. And then even doing that, is there a mathematical equation for the amount a friend must offer and do unto each other to maintain a friendship so one is not feeling put out, or left out? These are the questions I expect friendship to not bring up. For within these questions are the exacting reasons why I like the friends I have. They don't force me to reflect upon what they've offered me and I unto them. I don't keep track of who does what for who when and where and I like that. It's the beat of life and friends that creates an unspoken bond and confidence within that friendship to know they just won't bail on you over something that is truly trivial in the larger view and that all things are even. That you don't have to "throw-up" all that each other has done over the years to justify that friendship on a constant basis. That when drama ensues in a friendship the drama shouldn't have even of happened because the years being my friend verbally brings to light all the faults within that reasoning. The observations on and of humanity, and the Nth degree of verbose in dissecting the emotional reasoning's of others should have defeated an emotional outbreak. And then the mutual respect of each other to not let one emotionally charged instance sour the entire sum of the whole should it even crop up. Shared perceptions and conclusions run abound between friend and I which allows us both to rest on a mutual conclusion. Of course, at times there is debate. As well there should be, friends are not "yes men", they offer challenge to your ideas if they see something in that idea you don't. Friends don't have to worry about offending me by stating their own view. A friend is a person whom because of the time in allows a deflection of character and earns that respect. They allow and understand they are not hanging out with "work" friend or the friend who acts different around his "girlfriend", that their friendship is unique among that which is stagnet in life. That each experience with the friend almost offers a unique experience, that each time isn't the same ol same. Who wouldn't want that?

Within that question of the last line is my failing in life. The inability to recognize the settlement of the mind within even a friend. Someone whom for years showed a steady rate of adaption and growth only to slow down in that growth. Or to another degree, find new interests in life that the other friend may or may not choose to follow but that still allows the challenge of friendship. However within that understanding of friendship is the pliable nature of humanity that allows people to have their own hobbies and opinions and not necessarily expect people to mirror them (or should). Again, my fault. I failed to figure the opposite into the mindset of a friend. The solidified passive nature of humanity to rest on it's laurels of what it knows and run off that without any attempt to grow/change/or adapt to new perspectives (even tho the world is under a constant state of change). Within that you have an immovable object going against an unstoppable force which only causes chaos and havoc within the mind. I would never doubt my ability to adapt to the needs of a friend, especially a long term friend. It would just come natural for me, even tho it is another forcing change upon me. Because of the past they get that respect, that I know they aren't inducing this change to simply show themselves they can get a monkey to dance. Thus it's not offensive towards me.

So now there's choice. This isn't false choice, it's not even a choice I have to make. It's one I choose to make based off my character. Do I retreat burned from an old lesson I should have been aware of, and keep this in mind with my other friends? Thus not giving them access to the full friendship in which they are accustomed to due to the now apparent fact that Humanities Haze can even infiltrate my tight circle of friends. Pull back what I can instinctively offer based off yet another example of humanity failing me personally. Retract what I consider personal growth and the advancement of myself and an evolution of humanity..Forever Jaded, Naively I Concede.

Or do I learn this lesson as a positive. To still allow the faith for those that still choose to befriend me, while using this as an example to recognize my failings in life. To further thrust open my mind and create yet another internal drive. To not allow the failings of friendship to enter again. People lose so much in today's life with this constant state of temporary friends. There is no choke rope on your thoughts and patterns as no new friend earns the right to tell you their opinion on life with any amount of respect. And to some degree I think that's what people want. The A-typical American now runs without rules or control. Without borders or restrictions of the mind and always thinking they are owed something in life. Wanting it right here, and right fucking now. To find someone offensive whom after years showed none of that character trait, should force a reflective thought back to their own failings instead of directed at the friend who just is there for only one purpose. as a friend... instead they use others as a crux in life to point the blame for their own failings while using the one out of control emotional outbreak determine their attitude for life. As tho it's too much work to think about the logic behind the emotion or a friend is now within those few seconds.. not worth the time or effort... That'll show em.

The healing process

So let's get this out of the way damn it. If I'm going to beat myself up for this I'm going to do it publicly with as much verbiage as would occur within my head. And to do that I have to realize his faults.. something I never done nor ever wanted to do. And since he left in a fit of undue anger mocking me, I give it back as tho it was given. Only unlike his highly educated ass, I have the ability to articulate thoughts down into my own words with a certian amount of flow. Something that fails him even at 30. So perhaps I understand in part why he choose to outlash verbally in a fit of incomprensible rage that neither one of us could recite word for word from memory (emotional causality)... Upon giving myself ample reasoning to wallow in content that I've "done enough" as towards the thought of attempts of communications and cushioning his "man-hood" to insight a reaction. There is of course a known social limit of chasing down a male for simple friendship, if one is unreceptive to the idea, no act of god will change that. Resting on my own damn laurels that I've now done nothing bad enough to eradicate a 8 year friendship, I will be forced to put a sizable portion of the blame on him. I would then rationalize that his ultimate problem with me, was that I made it apparent in my over-offerings that perhaps I was rubbing in that I can offer material and "philosophical" offering to my friends, while he cannot.. Further exasterbating any delusions he has of my attempt to "buy friends" due to my position in life (Which is self made) Due to his poor work ethic, lack of drive for a greater purpose then the immediate self, and general inability to get over himself and his past. He hasn't set a pattern of stability long enough to earn any of these rights. Again, nothing is owed to you my friend. Part of the blame for the drama that night was the fact that I pointed out that he was infact stealing from his roommate, even if it was the greater purpose to share with me. I simply don't need it like that.. Compound that with a poor financial history, apparent inability to maintain any long term meaningful relationship with a female, and lack of pride to ask for a hand-out at the drop of a hat, creates a systemtic cyclic loop of self defeatism and destroys any and all confidence which he is prolly faking.. Which the only way to get through life without shoveling food or a gun in your mouth would be an outlet of drug use and constant denial of the severity of the situation.. None of those i'm sure he has.

Of course there is the "free-radical" within my reasoning. I know most of the drama within the life of a best friend. The drama, faults and dealings within a spacial time of two to three weeks or more. There could have been an instance which triggered the entire event and now it's just too embarrasing or too much effort to admit fault of that emotional causality, and to say "sorry I had a lot of shit on my mind". But within that reasoning is pattern reconition I can see. The failings of a mentor, disappointement of a buisness venture, verbal battles with bosses and ties to trouble with "the man" and women. It's a lot on the plate for anyone i'll admit. However no mention was ever made to try and repair or defeat these challenges. Always a pattern of distraction away from purpose which will come back to haunt at a later date. As thought was to much effort to reflect here in the now for the purpose of a later goal. That routine however was always our friendship, and I assume (ack) that he had his own ways to deal with the pressures of life... Which may have turned out to be false perhaps like our friendship.

There is of course the natural progress of life and friendships. Certianly it's not rare in today's society to not have life time friends. People move on in that constant state of chaos from town to town state to state. Unable to "make it" here where they are, uprooting and starting over in California, north carolina or NYC seems like the typical response to society. That they convince themselves whatever is holding them back here, the unknown in another part of the county will offer that resolve which they lack here. Logic fails me on that rational, but yet they go off. I know their response. I'm stuck here in my life, I never leave, i'm comfortable. I can certianly see all those arguements against staying here, as if calling out my current lifestyle is a mockery towards me. Logic again fails me on their rebuttle. There are always the people that take vacation time to run away from their sedimentary lifestyle they've created. I've never been like that, I take vacation time to enjoy the current lifestyle which took me 30 years to get to.. And it feels great. So perhaps the departure of my friend is a natural event in a timeline in which it seems typical now-a-days to simply meander off and live for strictly yourself, without thinking what the departure of a friend does to another person.. It certianly isn't the first friend i've lost, just the first one in a while.

So there it is, all the reasoning and rational I can apply to that event in June, the exacting date June 1st roughly around 7:12pm. After all these years friendship gets summarized to only these few pages. Unfortunately I know, it's more effort and respect then what he will give to me.. It's been a ride man. I shall remember how it all began. Vince bringing u back from Melino's.... Like father like son, its the death of your mind which has won. But I know how you'll justify it to yourself like you've always done to me when put against the wall. How you protect yourself against the views of others without letting their opinion in your mind at all. "Whatever, they just aren't as cool as me", as if his definition of cool is the de facto standard among 301 million Americans.

© Kiehl 2007