Miss Perception
The thought of what I think I know, isn't true at all
They say the definition of 'Crazy' is repeating the same thing a number of times and expecting a different result. Which of course ties to a lack of pattern recognition, the basic fundamental principal which puts humans above all other species on this earth. This dissertation is a reflection back upon myself in order to give myself the fallacy of thought that perhaps, due to my inability to bond with others my perception about all other things within my life may be as off as my social abilities.
The vast differences within all humans is what defines us as individuals and at the same time, our actions/thoughts don't vary that far off from everyone else's. So within society we seem to have a mass of people all acting unique within their minds while still repeating the fundamental principles that make us all human. Taking that logic, I am consciously aware that within me lays the basis for me to be like everyone else, I eat, breath, sleep, talk, work, all similar to everyone else out there. Which is reinforced by my still being alive, maintaining a job, and being in fairly good health as I crest towards middle age as rules of the body dictate survival. And if I was that far off from the societal norm, I would more then likely fail at a job, starve to death, or end up as a homeless vagrant spouting off to anyone willing to listen how I'm right and they are wrong. So being that I'm still alive and kicking, what I want is to know what I'm lacking. I've apparently learned enough patterns of society to blend at some point, as to not stand out too much. But what I've failed miserably (as defined by my last few attempts to befriend anyone) is the ability to use my consciousness, myself, what I know, who I know, what I am as a social lubricant to make myself more appealing to the masses in order for them to actually want to, let alone like to hang out with me.
Now what I'm aware of within me is my shortcomings. In which I'm more then likely over compensating and that compensation might be what puts people off (Theory 1 - Tries too hard). However what I'm not aware of is others shortcomings. See,.. when I first converse with people, anyone really, I don't ask the typical personal questions. I let people be who ever they want to be while talking to me, in hopes that they represent their true self. You wanna tell me a story how you tackled bigfoot while backpacking naked through the Alps, i'll believe your story. :) And eventually through stories, and verbose conversations I hope to put the pieces of the puzzle of who "they are" together and make a perception of them based off that, instead of being told directly who they are by them. When you just accept what others tell you when you ask you're allowing them to dictate your perception of them, as some people might not know themselves well enough to dictate that correctly (Theory 2 -Insecurity within others). If you've read some of my past writings I've discovered that we are all walls banging up against walls. That when two people meet for the first time, nobody tells the truth, exposes all their weaknesses, and vices, passions, virtues, etc in order to clear a true path to each other. No, instead it's always muddied up with past friends and relationships of the past in which we're all aware of the dangers of exposing all that we are to people. It sometimes hurts, and people know dumping all who we are on someone new right away is a quick way for others to get disinterested in you quickly. We all know and like the challenge which is unique to getting to know someone.. So instead we all play this lil "get to know me game" in which if we're compatible enough, over a period of time a friendship/relationship prospers.
It's within this phase that I falter. Stumble. Fail. Because of my past, I've learned that I can't change who I am at the core to adapt to others too much, because those others are never there in my life longer then I am. So within that thought it's offensive to me to change who I am when past history dictates with amazing accuracy that I will be there for myself long after anyone else. Sure I can adapt quickly to change behaviors that might be offensive or cause a hiccup in perception just to help us all along the way. I think everyone does this and I hope it's mirrored on the other side. Don't swear if someone gets offended, some people don't like to be touched, driving fast, music, movies, and other superficial curiosities that aren't that offensive to modify in order to bond with others. Nobody is going to purposefully blast heavy metal music when the other has voiced their displeasure for the inundating levels of sound that is inherent within that genre. Same with country music, swearing, racial remarks, etc. That's a correct societal norm in which upon reflection I swear I'm doing right most times. But the opposite spectrum to that thought is that the chameleon like ability for some to adapt to others is what others find offensive! (Theory #3 - Changing who you are, changes how people view you)
Theory #4 dictates that within humanity they can detect the "Over Thinker", the analyzer. The person who's expressionless stare isn't filled with nobel, disposable pure thoughts of life, or of forbearance but instead cross referencing within real time their place, environment and all how it ties into their life and the over-all picture of life at that exacting moment. Society from my experience can instinctively tell the difference between an easily approachable person, and a lone-wolf both sitting at a bar without talking to them. Demeanor, stance, eyes, smile, aura the exact reasoning is unknown to me, but I can sense what they can all sense within others. When one comes across an over-thinker they are automatically challenged by their own insecurities I find. While the easy approachable person offers faith, peace, comfort within their eyes and smile to let the other person know they aren't thinking about them in any intrusive manner, the over-thinker has the opposite effect. Within talkin to the over-thinker, the other person quickly realizes that there is an abundance of thought within their head, and then because of humanities insecurity they fill in the gapless voids with their own insecurities and how the over-thinkers silence means they are being judged. And instantly when one thinks they are being judged, they are being put on point. Humanity hates being on point (as dictated by the weight epidemic, TV shows that get more views then presidential elections get votes etc. Humanty rejects it as a whole) Instead of the easy 'small talk' that doesn't work on those in question, the person is inundated with what seems to be topics of conversations reserved for watching on TV rather then participating in verbally. Where as an over-thinker knows what the weather is, doesnt' want to talk about sports, cars, or money it leaves little else for others to bond with them on a superficial level. This is where I feel I place (as if u couldn't tell by me leading up to this). This is my current focal point on where I stand. Where the other theories have merit to my situation, I believe others can perceive the thought behind my eyes and since i'm rather secretive, my unwillingness to share what's in my head to those whom don't put forth the time/effort to get to know me, puts them off. And as a first impression, that's devastating and almost impossible to recoil from.
But really, this is all besides the point. Just a background for you all to understand where my mis-perception is coming from. From myself, as all these dissertations are nothing more then a grasp at tying to understand what I don't understand about myself and life within our lil society. And when you form all these thoughts into physical objects such as word, you can see the truths behind them and start to understand them and believe them. This is why I write, to understand me and my place within life. Like over-thinking, verbose writings often manifest as the same ability to see your place within time and space and learn how your actions and thoughts effect not only you but others around you. My misperceptions come from my inability to learn a lesson... No let me correct that. I'm unwilling to learn the lesson needed to see how life and people truly are. I don't want to cut myself off from that emotional empathy that comes with the heartbreak, ache, shake of knowing and losing people due to your own inability to deal with life and others. I don't want to lose that part that reconfirms to me that I am still Human, that I still falter and fail and life is a continually learning process. Too many people build up the walls to stifle that thought, but it also kills off guilt and passion at the same time. It's like they are linked. That's what they don't see within their blind haze of ambiguity towards life. That's life damn it! You learn by whats been denied, more then what's implied and you're supposed to! Put faith into your mis(s)-perceptions over others perceptions of you. At least you know what you're thinking, where as others at best can guess accurately and most times they fail at that. And IMO, from my experience the vast majority isn't ready or willing to dump this much thought into their situation in life, which is why there's a depression epidemic within our modern society... i'd be depressed too if I didn't know what I was thinking ;)
-=K