The Renege of Meg
How and the Why of how I got Duped
There are certain inalienable truths in this world, prices will rise, time will progress, and we all age within that passage of time. As it's up to each individual to handle that passage of time how they see fit, and it's up to them to understand that. Will we learn with experience and wisdom by observing the nature of that passage, or will the person distract themselves to the changes with a blind eye towards those changes and challenges in life? That should be a battle within our minds as we all ignore the purpose of life within the modern context of society, which is to live a life of purpose.
Not being one to ever tell myself that I'm infallible, I realize that I too succumb to the typical desires and advancements of society. As I find it inescapable at times without making a direct conscious break away from the constant bombardment of media, advertising and peers to find myself and my own conclusions to life. One of them, you're reading now, left to right, grouping words to form these sentences, those sentences into paragraphs. Much like learning to group words into cohesion to form a greater understanding, that's how I see experience and life. Learning and grouping the smaller subtleties of life into larger known patterns to compare with what I know, with what I'm trying to understand. As nobody should claim so facetiously to know all there is to know within this life and times, we should all keep an open mind to changing what we know. This brings me to my current theorem of this writing, and my attempt to conclude what has taken me two months of postulating.
Going into my last relationship I thought I had a better understanding of where I needed to be to maintain a current relationship. I took the time away from relationships to offer me that contrast people need in order to understand the contrasts to relationships. Understanding the strengths of being together, with the weaknesses of being apart. What I liked and disliked about both contrasts and where I needed to go as a person to defeat my own insecurities and inability to deal with a person and their character on a long enough time-line. Making personal vows of what I would and wouldn't accept into my life in the form of a next relationship and setting my affirmation upon those personal discovered desires. Within that was a battle within my head of, "am I cutting off opportunities and experiences by making those affirmations?". "Why should I be the one making the rules for relationships, as shouldn't it be an equal and shared goal of both parties?" While I generally conclude yes to those thoughts, there is a disconnect going on with people in my generation. That disconnect comes in a form of a constant need to maintain themselves as sexually viable to society at all times. That even within a relationship, we've all dated enough to the point to know that when and if this one fails, we're now confident on our ability to land into another relationship within a short period of time to avoid that pitfall of being alone. This confidence comes in the form of new-aged form of communications, social networking sites, cellphones, texting, and the age old tradition of meeting people in society. Where as people now are developing that confidence within them to know they have paths towards others outside a relationship, that same confidence is still often ignored within them towards themselves and their character in life.
Within that idealism we now have a new social class of people within my generation. I don't have a clever acronym at this time to summarize that trend other then my tried and true "Monkey Philosophy" (Which is, "people in relationships are like monkey's. They don't let go of the one branch until they got a firm grasp on the next"). But I realize even that doesn't cover the internal discipline of those people, and their emotional walls that are there to keep themselves detached from those whom they tell themselves they are in a relationship with. There is now an entirely new social class of people that are the "daters" in this society that are quite good at convincing themselves and others that they have the experience and understanding to make relationships work, but each holds a deep secret that they know intrinsically that this relationship will fail and to be prepared for it.
The more we date, the more we make ourselves undatable
I came across this understanding earlier on in life after my last few failed attempts at attempting to befriend a female for an extended period of time. Making the leap from the last paragraph to this one, the more we date the more we find the attributes in others that do and don't work for our unique personality. And by dating more without taking that time off to reflect on what really did and didn't work for us at the time only blurs the distinction between what we know, and what we think we know. Without the discipline to stay single out of respect for ourselves to figure out what went wrong and what went right, one will never develop the discipline to create the vows to stick to their affirmations of what they truly want in life.... Or so I thought...
Now with this understanding explained, I can now revert back to the title of this dissertation and how even after understanding all that, and walking the walk of what I thought were the correct paths to understanding myself and others in life. I still failed myself and others and got duped by the infallible argument that is female. Thus the rest of the writing will basically be an honest Ad Hominem attack upon myself for the sheer effort to attempt to change what I thought I knew, with what I know now, based off new experiences.
It started off a little more then a year ago, after a battle to understand myself and my last ex, I spent a period of 6+ months away from relationships and females and came to the understanding of "The Relationship Pang" during that time. While I enjoyed the intentional sobriety of being single, I found myself longing for that addiction to be in a meaningful relationship where both people respect each other and are working towards a unified goal of each other. Time being pliable and fate being my tool to play with, I had faith in life that eventually a female for me would come along. In fact, it's like finding a four leaf clover. You simply have to try and eventually on a long enough time-line you'll find one. But try too hard and you won't get the results you expect from the increased effort, thus there is a diminishing return on trying too hard and you'll inevitability get burnt off the idea and give up. With very little effort on my end, fate being what it is, a call/text was placed from Meg to me during that period of time which kicked off the entire dating process for us for the next 8 months. Which I've always found interesting, such a small communique has the potential for such an experience.
Now, before I progress, a little background about Meg and I. Knowing of each other for roughly 6+ years, we've often been introduced to each other through a series of other people. From her boyfriends which were friends of mine, and later on, our own friendship developed outside of any other relationships. Knowing each other for such a period of time allowed us a fallacy of understanding of each other. Seeing the patterns that we were repeating, the people we date, the ability to talk about ourselves and our place within those relationships without offending or getting personally attached to each other is no small feat in today's disposable acquaintances. Even then however I was blind to her patterns and how that would affect me later on in life. I was aware for a period of time our friendship relied on her being "in-between" relationships or at least when her current relationship was troubled. As rarely would I see her when she was happy with her current mate, but on the other-side of the coin, I more then likely was involved in a relationship of my own and didn't have the vested interest to identify a pattern that would be a deterrent to any relationship her and I might have formed. We were aware of the attraction between us, and joked about it at times as we bonded through our "rituals" which was the basis for our desire to hang out at the time. Meg being a strong minded and vocal character, with a unique style of her own I found being attracted to her easy. In-fact, it's no secret that I found her attractive for a while, and put a thought or two towards dating her in the future, if our fate ever worked out for us. Someday.....Maybe.
So now with that abbreviated background of us, fast forward back to the point where she texted me originally back in June (Flag Day Parade Weekend) to hang out. As she was newly single and simply looking to catch up on friends and her life which was misdirected due to an abusive relationship with a character i've always felt below what she offered towards a mate. But that's a female in certain aspects, slight nurturing is attraction within their eyes. As a man who needs nothing from a female is rarely attractive towards a female (unless it's a truly weak female, then of course she'll look to latch onto a stronger character to protect herself). With both of us single and aware of our attraction towards each other, the path for us was obvious at that time. However there was a hitch. I was aware of the Monkey Philosophy back then and brought it to her attention. We discussed the rational and truths behind that theory along with discussing my apprehension of getting into a relationship with someone (anyone) whom themselves was newly single ( In my opinion, there should be a 1:1 ratio of dating then single for people and relationships. For every month they date, they should be single afterwards, (personally for me, it would be awkward to jump from one pair of lips to the next within a short period of time)). I thought at the time making each other aware of the situation and both people understanding it would make up for the lack of time and discipline on both sides. It took a weekend to understand and be comfortable with the rational, and a couple weeks before the relationship progressed into a fully functional relationship. And honestly it worked very well, and the situation convinced me at the time that the ability to discuss and converse about what affected us, made up for the lack of time between relationships for her. The next few months were nothing short of amazing. I've never bonded with a mate like Meg before and in hind-site, I doubt I ever will. The more time progressed the more faith I put into us and our ability to communicate and conquer anything that might try to destroy us. It was perhaps the closest I've been to "love" if I actually believed that word existed in the context I have it built up in my mind as.
But as with life, change is a constant
Then something happened Something still to this day that the true understanding eludes me, but I of course have theories. Ignorance on my end and faith in others to maintain their virtues is my current conclusion to the situation. The never-ending communication from the abusive ex, my annoying ability to discuss a dead topic to the Nth degree. The ability to complicate scenarios that really didn't need to be dissected, my insistence that bringing taboo topics to the forefront of our relationship probably distracted us all. There comes a point where I believe that each relationship falls into a comfort zone. Where the initial "Honey-Moon" phase is over, and each party in the relationship is set and happy with whom they've discovered and are satisfied with their perception of the situation. This makes it easier for people to trust, and feel at ease in that relationship, and move onto other interests in their life without having to direct so much attention to learning, maintaining, and growing that relationship. I never really adopted that idealism as I look at friends and relationships as a means to challenge us outside our comfort zones and that alone forces growth and change. I'm used to this pace set by myself, and use it to get where I'm at and to create new challenges for myself within my life. That however, I find does not translate well into a relationship. The constant challenge brought forth by verbose conversations, new experiences, awkward new challenges forces some to develop a "Kyle-Wall". The Kyle wall is a wall basically built within the mind of others to deflect the inundated onslaught of my character. It's the "WHATEVER!" some people give to life, only directed at me to avoid having to understand, digest, and rebuttle what I mention in the context of life and the relationship. It's the kid rolling their eye at an overbearing mother, it's the husband saying "yes dear" to a nagging wife. Once this wall is up, the relationship is on the decline.
Now into the relationship for 6 months, I saw a weakening of it. Comments started to get taken personal, arguments started to crop up more and more, and my explaining of myself increased so she would not get offended by what was "normal". If you view the pictures of the relationship in order of time, the smiles turn to looks of annoyance, something again I should have seen. Valentines day started the whole mantra. I was at a loss on how to correct the decline. I discussed the situation with peers and asked for advice, but of course those that offered advice lacked the discipline themselves to follow the advice they were given, so it became an impossible task to correct this on my own. Thus I made her aware of my perception that the relationship was in a decline. This of course, just like before did not help. It was too late, talking more only exacerbated the problem, I felt I was now becoming the annoying mate that people all too often get trapped in. Everything I tried had the opposite effect, it's like she gave up and wasn't willing to step it up to help bring us to a better level of understanding, that somehow ignoring the situation makes it better. Honestly I took a large deflection in character to try and save the relationship, just trying everything and anything to try and save what was once the pinnacle in my life. Only now to watch it decline like a best friend addicted to Meth. After a few weeks I gave myself the notion that "maybe it's not me", maybe there is an external force at work here. Boredom, another male in the picture, me being too much effort. Placing the blame on her had the opposite effect in hoping to rectify the situation, as she had peers to help validate her side to the story where as I only had myself. Which only makes her more right within her mind. After Valentines day I gave myself "a month" before I did anything. As I know it would require time on both our sides to make things right. That time passed and sure enough, there came a point within each of our frustrations that the "blow out" happened. For me I was embarrassed simply because I found at the time impossible to maintain my composure and ability to stay open minded. Far too long was the battle in my head, changing who I was, all to make a vast effort to make it work when it simply was not reciprocated on her end. So I snapped in a way, I made a judgement and stuck with it in my mind after that blow up and that was to separate. I was embarrassed for the way I acted, and too proud to renege on what I said, simply because I did not want this relationship that it had turned into. Thus I think we both got burnt off that night.
Justification
I've said for a while, "Humans are justification machines" and in this context it's no different. This last couple paragraphs is my attempt to conclude or justify to myself how I was and wasn't at fault. And how I duped myself into putting faith in others where that faith was not earned. It really bothered me that Meg and I absolved and the days and weeks afterwards I was still struggling to rationalize it all. However, situations started to crop up that made my earlier thought of "maybe it's not me" ever more and more valid. I already admitted that my attempt at making the relationship more complex isn't the right path for most in life. But just a couple days afterwards she was released from her job that she herself found a great deal of pride in. Now the reasons for her departure was never really made clear to me, but I had thoughts that I made apparent to her, which I won't repeat here out of respect. But her release from her job in which she substantiated her own valor and merit off of was an indication that her attitude or herself was a bigger issue that encompassed more of her life then simply me. I was heart broken yet again when she told me that news, as the job fit what I thought was her personality, and the fact that her best friend got her the job only proved she failed her more then me by losing that job. But then after that I did something I swore I wouldn't do. I checked up on her and her social networking profile. And this is the example that i'll more then likely use for the rest of my life to draw a line between what people try and make me believe in them verses what I already know in people. Just like my example earlier of how I was that next branch from her last, she had found a new branch to swing onto in order to distract her mind away from realizing the heavy heart of self failure within a week... A week.... I am nothing special, there was nothing learned, nothing gained. It was all for her to repeat the cycle to continue that same mindset within her mind to protect her. To remain sexually viable to society at all times, and be on the lookout for possibilities no matter where your heart lay. Now this isn't an instance of "I don't want her, but nobody else can" that I see so many males repeating. My initial thought of breaking up is to help create a challenge for us that was perhaps lost with time and outside our Honey-Moon Phase, a true wake up call. To "fight for us", as nothing worth having isn't worth fighting for. But when I saw her advancement onto another male so soon, that thought was instantly lost. Lost as well was any faith I had in her and any strength and growth of character she attested to during our relationship. It was all a show, just for herself as I being nothing but a pawn in her life. The facade and justification that I used when we started the relationship to justify my own desire to date her was that the abusive relationship of her past didn't warrant that alone time to reflect out of respect. But now I see, I am nothing more then him, and the friends and boyfriends of her past in which the cycle repeated back then as well. I'm forced now to lump myself into the same social standings of her past, due to my own misperception and faith in her. Realizing this made me understand that I became what I least wanted to while dating someone, the main idea that would taint my outlook on the relationship and all future ones.
I would conclude that out of all the experiences, history, laughs, pictures, adventures we had, were nothing more then for herself and her own purposes of trying to gain leverage and understanding in life. And that defines what I see as being "made a fool of" and used for what I had, not what I offered. I find that offensive and know that it will forever distort my meaning of that cursed "L" word (even tho I never used it), as if this relationship is what I convinced myself "that" it was... If that is so,... then I am regrettable wrong in that definition.
To Meg if u ever read this. May you live forever, and thank you for teaching me one last final lesson in life
-=K
© Kīehl 2008