temp

Tran Spotting

Clever Girl

Ahhhh Jessica. If you're here then that explains a lot. Explains you prolly read my Complex ex on here and more then likely got jaded because of what was in that. But have faith, Melissa is long gone and I have no desire to get back with her, I simply write at times to offer myself closure without expectations that people will read it.. And that chick was NUTS! If you're here it should also explain a lot to yourself. That your desire to read that blog that I marked as private on myspace has led you here in an attempt to find out if I am indeed talking about you. I'm pretty sure I can also extract most of your other worries and thoughts if you are reading this as well. As if you thought I forgot that I gave u this address a while ago. That type of predictability in it's nature has to open your eyes that perhaps your perception of what has turned you against me could in fact be wrong. And those perceptions that stand a good chance at being wrong are also defeating any positive perceptions you have of me due to our past. Those older perceptions you had a better understanding of due to question and feedback from me, rather then simply being a by-stander driving by and assuming.

So lemmie tell you what I see. A female who's been rejected not once but twice by me but rejection in the simplest terms because there are things which forced change with us that you aren't even aware of. And the fact that you aren't aware of the change you forced upon us is why I hold back me to you even to this day. I hold back the truth from you because you take any lil observation about you so personal as an attack. I can see how if you believed your quick perception of me banging that S.S in the parking lot, I can now predict that you're only telling me that you are done with me and not walking the talk. More then likely you feel that "pang" that perhaps our relationship obsolved due in part due to you same as I blame myself. You taking offensive to the slightest critique is the reason why I couldn't talk to you deeper about issues that effected you and I. The fact that you are here reading a completely different post then what I posted on myspace all to lure you here is to prove something. You are allowing your own obscure possibly insecure perceptions to run your life. The smile that you offer to us (humanity) is so hollow and a facade dating you only shows me how lacking of true emotion it is. It is easy to see the fallacy behind your facade you offer us. That might be what you are struggling with, as there is an inherent difference between a true smile, and a smile offered to take a picture.

That last paragraph might seem mean. And I hope ur not upset but it shouldn't be perceived as negative damn it. The world is not out to get you, believe it or not i'm still pissed that our relationship has failed. If I could have talked to you about personal issues that bothered me it would have stood a much better chance at surviving. So allow me to show you just how wrong your post relationship perception is. I have not kissed, held hands, fucked, or any other sexual contact with any other female then you. I have no intention of the such and like to offer myself as much time single as I had dating.. And if that holds up I have a few more months of being single to go before i consider a realtionship.. and since I don't fuck without being in a relationship... And that was how many months ago? Exactly.

While you simply saw me out in the parking lot once that one night and more then likely allowed others to tell you rumors about me that you more then likely wanted to believe to help facilitate your detachment from me.. Which I understood. But while ur looking at me negatively, i'm getting fed the same horseshit as well about you, but I never think negative of you, I pretty much have the confidence to know your not out there shagging guys to spite me, and if you are... more power to you.. just doesn't seem like you. . You've been spotted out in bars, Alive at 5 etc... While all you have is rumors and your visual view of me in the parking lot with that S.S (which I agreed with you). And those are the only few basic perceptions you saw me out in public, because i've retracted myself greatly this summer to avoid any females. But you wouldn't even postulate that because you're too worried about yourself and protecting it. And of course, you should be embarrassed by your initial reaction that night, basically calling me an attention whore to summarize it. When in fact it's just like I preach, i'm simply exposing myself to different contrasts of humanity so I don't have such a shallow negative dogmatic view of the world that you unleashed upon me that night. But man, were you ever on the attack that night. lol I was there all of 10 minutes, you shoulda heard me calling you a crackpot in my head... I couldn't believe that was you.

You of course have my writings as well to judge me against. But to that you can find meaning to you even if I didn't intend it, once again you looking for negative to link to you, while you don't allow positive links.. That's gonna only exacerbate your potentially one sided perception of life.

You've taught me a lesson, along with Nic to compound it. I need to hold back what I expose to people. Even when they ask with pure curiosity, people simply seem to take that and run. And then use what was brought to light in mutual converstation only for their own greedy purposes in life. Never to help the trend of helping raise humanity, somehow keeping information of communication to yourself helps? And because of your reactions i'll never expose my true intentions and reasonings for the 2nd breakup, because you would simply use that for your own future purpose and use it to allow the next guy to enjoy you were I could not. But i'm pretty sure without exposure to that deficit any future relations will also fall to the same fate as you and I... However I'm sure there's a reason in my examples why u are so on the defense. Dating me for 8 months should have stopped you that night flipping out on me, simply cause you thought I would have any more intentions with the S.S then simple converstation. While perhaps you are pissed at yourself for getting sick that night on the blankey and having to leave, I also caught the hand on my back you offered and quickly retracted upon realization of your situation, you could have left your hand on.. that's your own insecurity reacting in physical form. I thought we had a good night that night, but never to hear from you again... ... It's you flipping your glasses off at 5th and warren that night to make sure that was me in the brown mercedez, like I wouldn't see that from the 30ft away. And like clock work, all of a sudden you "ignore me" while I know ur simply turning your eyeballs and hiding behind the glasses as you drive by. It's the expereince comment jessica, that even if you somehow convince yourself that you are mad at me, I have pretty good recollection of what i've "done" to you, and nothing i've "done" to you warrents that reaction. It's you hanging out with Lauren after the months of talking about her behind her back. Even tho you know she ran a background check on you, but that doesn't matter now.. and you call me the attention whore? ;) See how you are forced to live such a perfect life and avoid anyone who calls you out on your own horseshit to protect yourself? All because you only look for the negative in expereince to protect yourself! You're creating your own nightmareish world.

Yet you're done with me. I would postualte that reaction is the american within you. When something becomes too much work, be done with it. It's not like you asked me to hang out after our breakup with you for hours at a time with nothing but converstation and after each event was a "silent" treatment I gave you. That would just be crazy of me.. oh wait.. that's what you did to me! Yet I still offer converstation at my own expense of pride. The world is not out to get you jessica. Let down your guard, it's ok when people poke fun of you.. we all have our own insecurities as well. You just gotta let people poke fun without a counter-attack.. it would amaze you how that helps put people as ease. Hopefully when death knocks at your door, you'll fight a lil harder for a positive outcome then simply looking at the negative ones. Otherwise your fight will be a short one.

:p Punk! <3