You Are Worthy- An article about divorce and its realities. 

There are times in life when we go through thoughts of anger, despair, and strong emotions and we feel no one can understand us. We don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are truly feeling. We brush our feelings to the side and we hope for things to get better. We pray and pray and we make dua, and yet we are still unhappy day in and day out. I am not saying that prayer and dua do not work. I am saying that sometimes enough is enough and we need to learn when that time comes. One of the many reasons women may be feeling these deep feelings is divorce. Marriage is one of the most beautiful things that we may experience in life. It completes our deen. It makes us happy to live with a spouse who is there for us and understands us. Other than God and our own children, I believe that marriage should be of the top priorities. It is the way we move up in life, it is how we grow. Everyone hopes they made the right decision and they marry a spouse that only gets them closer to their faith and to their goals in life. But what happens when you choose the wrong spouse? Do you stay in the marriage or do you walk away? I know a few people who have divorced their spouses and let me tell you, it was brutal! We will never know how it feels without being in their shoes. Couples go from being best friends and in love to literal enemies who cannot stand hearing each other’s names, yet many choose to stay in the marriage.

 After speaking to my friends who have been divorced or are going through a divorce; they both said they waited too long. The many reasons they stayed were because of the cultural shame that presented itself. They would hear things like “ It’s your husband, be patient,” or “what will people say?” Away from the weight of cultural traditions and their role in keeping dysfunctional marriages on, here are three things I learned about marriages that ended up in divorce: 

1. Do not ignore the red flags. If you keep seeing red flags, there is a reason—address them! 

2. Gaslighting is real—if your partner is making you doubt your worth or if your partner is accusing you of being unreasonable when clearly the signs of his betrayal/being unfaithful are clear, address it.

3. Emotional abuse IS abuse. Abuse does not only come in the form of physically hurting someone. If your partner is saying negative things to you all the time or is making you feel that you are worthless and not wanted but they still want you in their lives—that is a red flag. There are many forms of abuse, it is so important to know that abuse can be physical, mental, and emotional. It is all abuse and one is not less hurtful than the other. 

A common characteristic  I hear about in men who are leading unhealthy relationships is narcissism—especially covert narcissism. This is when a man is usually loved by others, he is charming and he comes off as a wonderful person. But in his marriage, he is the opposite. It is so important to recognize this in your partner, because these are signs that you need to get out. A narcissistic person will never put your relationship first. 

On the other hand, I want to be sure that I am not giving the wrong message here. I am not saying that the second you see a red flag, you get out. No! Divorce is not a decision that should be taken lightly despite it being halal to us. You must work hard on your relationship and you should really try with all of your mental strength. Work hard on your relationship, go to marriage counseling and talk to your family. Work it out as much as you can, but when you know in your gut and in your heart that your marriage is over and you are unhappy every day, that’s when you may want to think about what options are available to you.  Do not lose yourself and do not give away all you can offer to a relationship that is not giving you peace. That’s when the search for a better life begins. My friend once said it this way: Which do you prefer, to be unhappy and miserable but married so that you don’t go against cultural norms or to sleep happy with a clear, content heart but divorced?  

Learn to find your worth; women often do not know their worth. Women are not just mothers and wives. Women are whole human beings with a heart and with feelings. You have so much love to give, and you are in need of love. Many women may be scared and they think they cannot live without their partner, but they finally make it through.  All it takes is a shift in mindset. If you’re pushed to live on your own, Allah will be with you and you will succeed.  Allah gave us so much strength and so much courage and it's there in our minds; this is one of the times we need to utilize it. 

One of the comments women hear is “get out of this marriage as quickly as possible so by the time you remarry, others would not have even noticed you divorced.” I find these comments so sad! When a woman is going through a divorce, she needs support. She needs her family and her friends. We need to break these cultural barriers that put women down. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to get a divorce, keep this in mind: you are a strong woman. There is no shame in women taking their rights, even when it seems to be culturally wrong.  Do not do it on your own; find a support system. The future may be scary and many women feel stuck in their relationships because they are financially dependent on their husbands. Yes, it will be hard, yes you will struggle. But you can ask for help, there is no shame in asking for help. If you are making the right decision, Allah will somehow guide you. As my two friends say: their divorce was a nightmare. They stayed until their breaking point, but when they finally found the strength to get out, they felt liberated. They found themselves again. They remembered who they were before they entered the toxic relationship. 

I do not support divorce. I believe it should be the last resort. But I do believe women should be mentally stable when in a marriage. Our mental health is so important because if we are mentally unstable, we will not be able to be present or to show up in the important aspects of our lives. What is the takeaway here? If you have issues in your marriage, work on it once and twice, and three times. As long as you see progress, respect from your partner, and communication then keep working on your marriage. Keep making dua and keep praying because, in the end, it is all in the hands of Allah. But also, if you know in your heart that your marriage is over, do what you need to do. Do not wait till your breaking point and do not lose yourself… Allah does not want that for anyone. Know your worth! You are strong, you are beautiful and you are powerful. You are worthy, own it!

If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and you need help figuring out what to do, reach out to REDA’s helpline at bit.ly/REDAhelp. We can provide resources to help you. You will be okay.

02.21.2022