Finding Comfort After Loss

My grandma held me in her arms many days as I wept because I was upset at something. I can’t remember what it is now, but I remember how she always knew what the right words to say were; just like my mom. My grandma would scold me for wasting my time in the kitchen while I had exams to study for. She would often tell me to study and that she would complete my house chores for me. I can see her now vividly standing over our kitchen sink, a 70-something-year-old widow who had seen so much in her life, washing the dishes without a care. I see her smile when she told me to go to my room and that I better do great on my exams. I see her now sitting on our small sofa in the family room folding towels and telling me to hurry and put them away before my mom comes home. She didn’t want me getting in trouble. Our tears were in synchrony as she watched me get married. More and more tears and love as she met my firstborn. That was the time her dementia became real and she was beginning to forget some of her family members.

She first was broken when her son, (my uncle) was killed in the war in Lebanon. Her second heartbreak was when her husband (my grandpa) died while he was at Hajj. After those heartbreaks, my grandma would cry with every crying mother. She cried at the reminder of her martyr son even years and years later. She cried when someone spoke of my grandpa’s generosity and kindness. Her heart was so fragile. She wore a beautiful gold chain with their pictures on it; for her entire life, after their death. There was a time my grandma and I shared a room. She came to visit us and she ended up staying with us for many years. Those were the years when I felt like I had two loving mothers, not one. One night my grandma slept in my full-size bed, and I had put a mattress for me right next to it on the floor. I was asleep and I was dreaming that my grandma was falling. I woke up from my nightmare with my arms open and I felt my grandma fall right into them. It was unreal! My dream was a reality all at the same time. My grandma had just had knee surgery and if she would have fallen without me catching her fall, she would have been hurt. These are just some of the memories I had with my grandma.

She now lays in bed with no idea who I am or who any of her family members are. She lays on her death bed sometimes smiling and blowing kisses and other times crying and weeping like a newborn does when he is born weak and feeble. Feeble is just one word to describe my grandma, but she is only feeble in her physical strength. She is still a warrior and magnificent woman even on her death bed. She hasn’t eaten for weeks, and she is still fighting for her life. She still manages to smile sometimes and every time we think she is about to pass away, she shows us a sign of strength. If she could understand me, I would tell her “oh, my poor grandma, this is the time to stop fighting and to go meet your Lord.” I would tell her to let go and to go live in Allah’s heaven with her son and husband who are waiting for her. I wince when I see her face shrinking day by day. Her bones become more and more apparent. Her cheeks have sunken in and her fingers have almost melted away. Her beautiful golden hair is still in its place but her head is full of cysts that I know she would have had removed if she was well. Her eyes often roll back scaring us and leaving us to wonder if this was IT!

I share my grandma’s story because although my heart breaks for her, death is a natural phase of life. Even though we know we will all die one day, it is still one of the most difficult things to accept. It is very difficult and horrifying when we witness our loved ones die. Especially if you watched your husband or child die from war or disease. We must accept this phase of life. Some of us have watched our husband/wife melt away slowly from sickness and we witness their death. Some of us have watched our children suffer and pass away. Many of us have watched our elderly become frail and we prayed for their comfort. No matter what we do, death will come in the way Allah has written. This means there is only one thing that is in our hands; how we react. How do we handle and deal with the death of a loved one?

First, we must remember to accept this fate. We cannot be angry at the life Allah has written for our loved ones. Second, we must remember that there are healthy ways to cope. We must learn to deal with sadness in a healthy way. My first advice is to utilize the Quran or your book of faith. There is so much comfort in the Quran–we just need to find it. I came across a beautiful book by Asmaa Hussein. She wrote a book of diary entries after her husband was killed in Egypt protesting against the mass injustices taking place. Her husband was killed by a sniper and she was left a widow and her child fatherless. She found so much comfort and healing in the Quran. One quote I read in her book over and over again takes me to my third point: “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…”

(Al-Baqarah 2:286)

Do not ever think that you can’t bear the pain of losing your loved one, because the fact that Allah took away that loved one, he is telling you that you can! Allah will never test you with something that you are incapable of dealing with. He has already given you the strength you need to get past your loss. As Asmaa says in her book, “Now it is up to (you) to discover, understand and employ that strength.” Remember that Allah promises us ease. Allah promises us a time when all of our anger, sadness, and burdens will disappear. We need to work our way up to that moment. We need not let the struggles of this life push us to the bottom of the ocean. We must always rise. If your husband has passed away in the war on Iraq or if your home was demolished in front of your eyes in Gaza and if your children were asleep on the rubble and cold roads in Syria–keep on pushing. Every bit of pain and suffering you felt will be unmatched with joy and comfort in jannah. No matter how hard it is, keep on pushing because Allah says “Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:5 QURAN)

I sit on my blue couch thinking about my grandma’s funeral and imagining what it will be like. Are we all going to be crying and unable to control ourselves? Are we going to feel a void in our hearts? I chose to let go of these thoughts and I decided to think happy thoughts and happy memories. I pray that I get to see my grandma in heaven and that I can sit and drink a cup of tea with her as I used to when I was 16 years old. I close my eyes and I see us sitting at the kitchen table with the sun glaring through the windows and my mother brings hot mint tea for the three of us to sip, chit chat, and laugh.

8.30.22