Child Loss and Grieving : It never truly ends. 

Say the word; Miscarriage. It’s okay, we can talk about it. We must start talking about it. Often times we are told it is better to hide our pregnancy. In fact, most Middle Eastern cultures pass that idea from one generation to the next. People want to hide their pregnancies just in case it ends in a miscarriage or in another unfortunate situation. But why? Why should we hide our greatest joy and why should we hide the result of our many and many duas? I was pregnant for the first time in 2013, and in 2015 I had my first child. In those two years, I was pregnant three or four times. To be honest, I lost count. I lost count because I would continuously get pregnant and then miscarry until I finally had my miracle baby in 2015. I never hid my pregnancies because I was always so happy and excited that my family and friends just knew! I remember after my second or third loss, an elderly in my family had suggested to me that I don’t share with anyone if I got pregnant again. I nodded my head and said okay, but in my heart, I knew that’s not who I was. I also knew his advice was probably better for my soul. People don’t know how to act when they see others suffering or grieving. Let’s face it, people don’t know what to say in uncomfortable situations.  I did not want anyone's pity, I did not want their curious and nervous eyes looking at me. I just wanted others to look at me and say,  “ I don't know how you're feeling, but I am here for you and I am sorry that you're going through such a hard time”. That’s all! Isn’t that all we need to hear from others? Acknowledgment, and comfort.

 After I had my first child, I lost my second child to Spina Bifida.  Her name was Madinah. That’s when I learned that I never truly got over my previous losses. Even though she was never born, I named her and buried her as any other mom would do for her child. I chose to grieve that way. I chose to think of her and to be reminded of her because one will never grieve if these traumatic experiences keep getting pushed to the back of our mind.  Whenever I sit with myself and think about my experiences, I ask myself, what did I learn from my experience? Not necessarily my losses, but my experience in general. I learned to breathe. I learned to accept my fate. I learned to speak up and most importantly, I learned to grieve. Grieving is something many people are afraid of. We are often taught to suck it up and to just forget about it. We are taught to be strong and move on. The number one phrase I was told after my greatest loss was, “ You’re strong, you will be okay”. Many times I wanted to yell out, Yes I am strong but I wasn't prepared for this. Yes, I am strong but I am still allowed to cry. This is when I learned to speak up. I communicated that I needed space. I told my family to stop talking about babies a week into my loss. I asked them to stop telling me not to cry. I want to cry. You should cry. Cry your heart out, go for a drive late at night. Sit in your room alone, ignore the rest of the world and scream into your pillow. Set that inner voice of yours free. Grieve, grieve, and don’t forget to breathe. Many people forget that even our beloved prophet grieved. He also cried and allowed himself to feel pain. We are allowed to grieve. 

I made it one of my missions in life to speak about child loss. I want other women to know that they are not alone. About 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages. (MayoClinic) The key term here is “known”. It is safe to say that the number of miscarriages is probably higher because a miscarriage typically happens early on in the pregnancy when many women don’t even know they are pregnant yet. The point is, it is very normal to have a miscarriage and you should never be embarrassed or ashamed of it. You should never allow anyone to make you feel like you are less than because you miscarried. We should always keep in mind that it is God that destined that fate for us. We need to accept it and embrace it. I decided to reroute my negative thoughts about my losses and turn them into positive thoughts. I was  telling myself that I have many babies in Jannah (Heaven) just waiting for me to arrive. I actually believe women who went through this,  like me, are the lucky ones. God loves us so much that He guaranteed a place in Jannah for us. He loves us so much that he allowed us to be with our children in Jannah without all the hard work of parenting. If you are one of the lucky mammas who had a miscarriage or lost her child, please remember that you aren’t alone.  Many of us have lost our children. Tell your friend about it, share your loss with another woman who is experiencing her own trauma. The more we talk about it, the more we normalize miscarriage, the easier it will be for us and for others to grieve through it. When we find others who can relate, we won’t feel as sad. We will know that we aren’t the only ones. There is a reason I miscarried so many times and if you lost a child, there's a reason for that as well. Only God knows that reason and when we meet our beautiful children in heaven— we will be grateful for our losses in this Dunya. 

I also wanted to write a side note to all the mammas who had a miscarriage before, please do not hesitate to see a therapist. There is no shame in talking to a professional who can help you sort through your feelings. If you decide you do not wish to speak to a therapist, talk to a friend, someone you trust, and someone that will listen to your thoughts. 

01.21.2022