Hope for Self-Harm Behaviors

Have you ever thought about the idea that someone you love or maybe your child is self-harming? This is an incredibly difficult topic to talk about but that is the exact reason I believe it needs to be addressed. More people than you think engage in self-harm behaviors. I grew up in a household where thinking that just “being Muslim” protected me and my siblings from many things that were in fact in no way related to religion such as suicide, substance abuse, depression, and even self-harm in the form of cutting. I have heard many aunties and Muslim community members say they are grateful for Islam because they know their children will most likely not “do” what their non-Muslim peers did. That is simply untrue and I have been seeing more and more awareness about these taboo topics these days, which I am so grateful for. We, as adults, as parents, and as religious individuals, must be aware that perhaps our own children may be suffering from these ailments and we are completely unaware. When is the last time you checked on the mental health of your child? Or even your younger sibling? As mentioned in The Recovery Village website on Drugs and rehabilitation, the average age of the first incident of self-harm is 13. Forty-five percent of people use cutting as their method of self-injury. Additionally, not only is self-harm prevalent, but rates are increasing. There has been a 50% increase in reported self-injury among young females since 2009. These statistics are scary, lets’s discuss why this issue is so common. 

Many teenagers feel misunderstood and even unloved. Due to all the hormones that teens go through, they start to act out in many different ways. Common ways are talking back, being rebellious, not doing well in school, or spending time with the wrong crowd. All of these are usually things that parents are not happy about. Our job as adults is to be there for our children. Your children need to feel safe sharing their experiences with you. If you are always angry, always yelling at your children, they will not feel comfortable or safe to share their feelings, their fears and worries with you. After years of piled up emotions, these children may begin to experiment with different ways to express themselves and let out all the anger inside. Many will seem depressed and spend most of their time outside the home and others will be in their room most of the day. I spoke to someone who once used to self-harm; she explained it as an escape from being misunderstood and unloved. She often felt that her parents did not know her. She felt like she could not talk to them about her feelings because her dad was very short-tempered and telling him about her issues would only escalate things. Her mother was always angry at her for sleeping in, not cleaning her room, and for talking back all the time. She didn’t have time to sit and discuss her daughter's issues; she was too angry and too busy with everything else that was happening in her life. 

She would slowly scratch her arm and then she felt the need to feel something stronger. After every fight with her brother or sister who seemed to always gang up on her, she would run to her room crying. After every scolding from her mother, she would instantly cry and run to her room again. It was times like these that caused her to reach for the razor and to cut herself. I asked her, why? Why can’t you just tell someone that you're hurting? She shared that she wished someone would have asked her how she was feeling. She wished that she didn’t feel so different from her siblings. She needed an outlet. That was the only outlet she knew at the moment. 

Many times children go through trauma in their lives and parents do not think about the effects of it on their child. A parent might think that I went through so much in my life, and now I am fine. But if you’re that parent,  I am asking you, are you fine? Have you ever really sat with yourself and sorted through all the feelings you go through in your day? Are there not any emotions that have been in your heart that you were not able to address or even think about? Pushing these feelings away does not make you fine. Thus, do not allow your child to push their feelings away. Because they are teens and the emotions need to come out one way or another. Hopefully, with the right guidance, and with listening ears and open hearts, our children will come to us with all of their issues. The reality is, many do not. The girl in my story had a father who himself had so much unresolved trauma. He didn’t believe in therapy and he didn’t even share his experiences. This led him to become a very bitter and cold father. He often would call his daughter stupid or he would ask her if she even had a brain to think with. Don’t get me wrong, he loved his daughter very much. In fact, she was probably his favorite. But he never learned to manage his strong emotions, so he took it all out on his kids. When your child is already struggling with her self-esteem and her personality and she has a father like that, it is the recipe for disaster and cutting became her escape. 

Sometimes, our children are too afraid to share their feelings with us. Sometimes they are afraid that what they did or how they felt is not up to our parental or even cultural/religious expectations. I was told that she wished she had shared more with her parents growing up. She wished she was brave enough to tell them how she felt and to tell them about her problems. But I wonder if she would have been more courageous if her parents were more knowledgeable. Only if they knew the importance of communication. 

We need to be the listening ears even when it's hard to listen to our child’s flaws. We need to be the caring touch even when it's hard to hold them tight through their mistakes. We need to be the kind eyes who will give them courage to speak to us. Whether your child is 7 or 18, make sure you keep that communication door open. You don’t want to find out that you failed as a parent when it's too late. 

It is important to talk about red flags for teens when they are going through something and may consider self-harming themselves. Here is a list that I have compiled through my research: 

• When your child is angry too often and too fast.

• When your child cries at the first hint of disappointment.

• When your teen is spending too much time in their room. 

• A teen that doesn’t talk much and prefers to be left alone. 

• When your teen feels that no one gets them. 

• When you see your child wearing sweaters in the summer or clothes that seem inappropriate for hot weather--it is a sign they are covering up self-harming marks. 

It is important to note that these signs do not necessarily mean that your child is self-harming. Alternately, if your parental intuition tells you that something is not right and you see some of those red flags in your children, please make sure to check on them. Sometimes you should just blatantly ask them, are you hurting yourself? Yes, just ask them. Teens cutting themselves sometimes just need to feel like someone cares about them. Of course, all parents care about their children but not all children can feel that care. They need it to be more obvious and they need to feel it's real.Someone who cuts themselves will tell you that it feels relieving. Cutting themselves makes the intensity if the pain subside. It releases some guilt and self-doubt. All the times they were called “stupid “ or “annoying” the cutting becomes a punishment to themselves. These are sad but true thoughts that someone who is harming themselves might be feeling. It can be anyone, your secluded child or your quiet friend. Please always remember to check on the people in your lives, whether they are young or old, many people suffer alone. 

I would like to end this story on a somewhat positive note. Any form of self-harming can stop. With intervention, and communication, it can stop. Self-harming is not a mental condition; self-harming is an effect from unresolved issues. Therapy teaches many ways to deal with our issues. In therapy, a person can learn how to let go of their anger and express their emotions in healthy ways. The girl in this story turned to poetry, she wrote her feelings and her thoughts. Through her poetry, counseling and a new open door communication with her parents, she is healing and she is learning to love herself everyday. Success is beautiful, especially after many difficult hurdles. 

I wanted to share a poem written by this brave girl who went from self-harming to a life of fearlessness, joy and growing up unapologetic. 

Tears of joy

They don’t come very often. 

Tears of joy.

And when it comes, it’s not usually about my joy.

Good things happen 

To good people

Good things, necessary things happen 

To good, necessary people

 It’s

When she first opened her eyes.

When she fell in love.

When he fell asleep in my arms.

When she said “It would be okay if I pass away, I am ready to face Allah” When he came home safe.

When she said “I finally feel okay”, after years of pain.

 It took me too long to realize what true love looked like, or even what true joy looked like.

I was even doubting it was real at some point.

I always said to myself, I can’t wait to get there. I can’t wait till I feel complete and happy.

And full of joy.

Later once I was exposed to the real world, I really doubted true happiness and joy was real, or that it ever lasted.

I suppose everyone goes through hard times, Everyone has their struggles...

But, when will it end?

05.16.2022