Keeping our children happy and entertained may seem like a difficult task. Believe it or not, there are many easy and effortless ways to be playful with our children and it does NOT include a screen of any sort. We are so used to giving our little kids a screen just to leave us alone while we cook, clean, or drink our morning tea. What if I tell you that you can cook, clean, and even drink your tea while your toddler/child is occupied on his/her own? Yes, you will need to validate him/her and whatever activity they are working on. But come on, that is just part of life when you’re a parent. We cannot pretend we do not have children throughout our day, let us do that after they go to bed. 

Did you know that the first 5 years of your child’s life may determine their personality, behaviors, and future actions? The amount of time, attention, love, and emotional connection you make with your child are extremely important. This is why we need to make an effort and be as creative as possible when it comes to playing and spending time with our children. Research shows that many children who don’t get the needed attention and care from their parents at this young age, tend to suffer from low self-esteem, behavioral issues, mental health issues, and even depression. Let’s avoid these and learn now how to give our children the best versions of ourselves and let’s be happy doing so. 

The worst thing that my 3-year-old could do while we are at home is when he climbs up the kitchen counters while I cook. My blood starts to boil and I get so heated because I began to think of the countless times I had told him not to do that. I was very gentle and explained to him why its dangerous. I even let him get near the heat of the stove so he could understand what I meant. Still, every single day he would climb up and ask me if he could cook with me. Yes, I am not joking, every day! I realized I needed to be smarter and I needed to include him in my cooking. I purchased plastic kids’ knives from Amazon and I started to allow him to make his own lunch. I would give him cucumbers, apples, and hard cheese and he would chop them all up. He really enjoys “cooking” so much. He cuts it all up and puts them in bowls and he eats his lunch while I am doing something else in the kitchen. That didn’t stop him from climbing up the kitchen counters but he does it much less than before. I believe the reason is that he is getting the “cooking” out of his system. I started to think of other ways to include him in the kitchen. I let him clear the dishwasher for me by assigning him all the plastic items as well as the spoons and forks. I even let him mix my cooking pot with my help. I let him add salt and pepper to the dish I am cooking and I show him that his help is so important and that I couldn’t have done it without him. I swear to you that now when I cook, he doesn’t always come up on the counters anymore. He knows to find something else to do until I am available for him again. 

I know that not all moms are willing to do that with their little children; we all tolerate our kids in different ways. But there are other things you could do. You need to find what works for you and what keeps you and your child happy. Here is a list of things that could get you started. Try them all or try a few and see how when you want to be left alone for a few minutes, you just might succeed because you have already given him the attention he needed for the day. 

• Make colored rice for sensory play- put a couple of cups of rice in small bowls and color them with food coloring. Then, put all the rice next to each other in one large bin and allow your child to mix it all together and discover the beauty of colors. This will keep them busy for a bit while you sip on your tea sitting alongside them. Tip: always keep a large cardboard box or a dollar store table cover at home for projects like this. It makes clean-up much easier. 

• Finger paint- find an edible paint recipe online and allow your child to finger paint anything he wants. It is washable and edible. You can tape a very large piece of paper on the floor, wall, and, even on a door. 

• Sort laundry- while you fold laundry, let your child “help” you. Ask them to send this and that to a specific room in the house and tell them they have 10 seconds to come back. They will hear you counting and it gets exciting for them. Yes, this might make folding the laundry a longer process, but it creates a connection with your child and you will both have fun. 

• Paint rocks- Go outside with your child, find a couple of large rocks together, and collect them. Go home and set up a painting station and paint the rocks. You can paint one rock with your child as an example and let him/her finish the rest. 

• Go on a nature walk- You will be surprised how much children love nature. Just go for a walk and let your child lead. Pay attention to what he looks at and what he talks about. Don’t worry about him getting his clothes dirty or getting his hands messy. You will find that a nature walk brings so much joy to children and adults alike. Oh, make sure you let your child bring a souvenir home. 

• Play with dry-erase markers/board- give your child dry-erase markers and a dry-erase board. Take turns drawing and writing whatever you feel like writing. (make sure you don’t leave them alone with it-or find non-toxic markers). 

• Poke pipe cleaners through a colander- Give your child a colander and a bunch of pipe cleaners. Show him how to insert a pipe cleaner into the colander and ask him to do so for the rest. This one is really great when you are trying to get some cooking done because he/she can just sit near you. 

I hope these examples have inspired you to try them out. Oftentimes we get lost in the routine of taking care of our children and we forget that we actually need to play with them. Make an intention to play with your child daily, even if it is just for five minutes, and remember to give them lots of hugs and eye contact. This connection will help them thrive into healthy and joyful human beings. Always remember that no matter what, you are doing your best, and you are an amazing mamma.

12/12/2022

What Can I Do For Myself, Today?

Have you ever asked yourself this question: what can I do for myself today?  I know, it seems like a silly question. The way you respond to that question is so important. Often, the things that we think make us happy are not easily accessible or are currently impossible. You might think things like: a vacation will make me happy. My partner listening to me about a specific request would make me happy. Eating a specific meal I am craving would make me feel happy today. Those are all good and great ways to attain happiness, but they do not give you long-term happiness. One very easy way to attain happiness is through hobbies. It turns out that people who have hobbies are overall happier, healthier, and more likely to be relaxed individuals. We all want to live stress-free and have healthier lives. Let’s discover together how having hobbies is great for our mental health as well as our well-being. 

Many times, we tend to be on auto-pilot. Our days pass by so quickly and we don’t even realize all that we did by the time our day is over. For example, for those who have young kids, we wake up and it’s almost like we are going against time. We rush to feed our kids and get them ready for the day. We rush to make dinner and clean before they get home from school. We rush to pick them up and get them ready for the next day and before we know it, it's night time and we are in bed wondering where the time went. It is common that the only self-care we get that day is our cup of coffee in the morning or in the evening. Surprisingly not, that coffee probably got cold before we drank it because of the many interruptions that happen. 

I want you to sit for a second and think about who you were before you became a mother or a wife. Who are you? What did you do when you were bored? What type of things did you enjoy before you had all the responsibilities you have now? Did you enjoy reading a good book? Did you enjoy listening to music or learning a new language? Those things are very important. We cannot forget who we were once we become moms and wives. Actually, in order for us to be great mothers, we must find the best versions of ourselves. We must find happiness in our hearts or our dissatisfaction in life will be projected through the way we treat our children or our significant other. So let’s explore how to find out what your hobbies are and how you can find time to implement them in your life.

My first recommendation is to go to a craft/hobby store. Just take a walk down the aisles of stores like Hobby Lobby or Michaels Craft Store and see what you like. You will be surprised how much inspiration you will get walking down those aisles. You will find that you can create your own seasonal floral arrangements. You could make some and gift them to friends and family for your holiday. You will also find things like yarn that you could use to learn how to make your baby a blanket. There are aisles and aisles full of beads and string where you can learn to make your own jewelry. 

You might be thinking, why would I start a hobby that will make me spend more money than I need to? Well, if you don't want to spend money, there are also many other things you can do as well. Let me share with you a few hobbies you can start that are free! One is writing. I really enjoy writing. I think writing is a wonderful hobby to have, and it's free! Everyone has paper and a writing tool at home. Give yourself a chance to try it and see how it makes you feel. Even if you think it's not for you. If you have never tried it before, just try it! It is great because there are no rules to your writing. You can write anything you want without worrying about grammar or spelling mistakes. You don't need to worry about judgment or opinions about your writing from others because, unless you want to share it, your writing is just for you. Do you feel like you have a story to tell? Do you feel like you have so many feelings or thoughts and ideas in your mind? Just write them down and see where that takes you. Even if you end up throwing it away when you are done, you will feel good about it. I personally feel like most people have gone through some type of trauma or incident in their life that they could probably write about. You never know, you might start writing and you might just end up writing an entire book! You should write in your native language, so it can come naturally to you.

Reading is also a free hobby. All you need is a library card. Once you get your library card, you can check out many books. You can take them home and discover what type of books you enjoy and what genres you do not like reading. You can check out books from another language. Many libraries in Sacramento carry a large selection of Arabic books; you will be surprised and very happy with what you find. You can even find books that teach you how to do something. These are called DIY books, which take me to my next free hobby. 

DIY is a great hobby to have. DIY means Do It Yourself. People that DIY tend to make gifts for others instead of purchasing. Some even create things and sell them right from home. It can be something as simple as making a wreath for your door or painting your bedroom walls and getting creative with it. DIY gives us a great sense of satisfaction. It makes us feel good and accomplished.  It always feels amazing to begin a project and to look at it and admire it once done. DIY can be costly but there are many projects you can create with things that you have at home.

 I once created my own coffee table. It was so simple but I was so proud of it and I admired it every time I walked past it. It felt good to know that I made it rather than bought it. I made it out of wooden crates. I purchased four crates and nailed them together to create a square shape. Then I added wheels to create legs for it and viola! It was an instant coffee table. I then painted and added books and decor items inside the crates. I have no learning experience in DIY but I watched a few videos and read a blog article like this one and started building. We really are capable of more than we think; we really just need to give ourselves the chance to try something new. Hobbies give us that chance and sometimes, people even end up creating a career out of their hobbies. 

 I recently discovered that I enjoyed painting. I was really surprised with myself because it was never something I considered doing. I started painting with my 7-year-old daughter and I saw how much peace it gave me. It made me relax, unwind and free my mind of any thoughts I had lurking back and forth. One day after my kids went to sleep, I pulled out our paint kit and just began painting. Mind you, I am not professional at all. Actually, the painting I was painting was a paint-by-number kit. You match the paint color with the number written on it and on the canvas and you paint. When you are done, you end up with a beautiful professional-looking painting; thanks to the numbers that show me how and where to paint. If your kids have a paint set at home, try painting with them. Paint without any goal of what to create, just paint. 

So what can you do for yourself, today? You can start by making your daily cup of coffee or tea and sitting down to think about what hobby you want to try out. You will find yourself smiling more often, and you will feel more positive and generally happier. When we do things that are solely for our own happiness, without any expectations from anyone, we will feel amazing. Think about it, all day we cook for our families and we hope they will enjoy the meal. We clean the home so they can be comfortable and we are there for them to make sure they succeed. Your children are most likely not doing that for you, so what are you waiting for? Get up and find a way to be even happier.

11.25.22

An ocean’s healing hymn

The sun’s rays break through the clouds with colors of gold, orange, and pink, filling the skies as if you were on another planet. Can this truly be earth? Where the sun not only shines and beautifies your glowing face but it takes you to another world, through a trance. You stand there in awe as the beautiful rays of yellow shine right through you emphasizing the greens that is in your eyes which only show up when the sun hits them. Miles and miles away you see the ocean hit the sky and you wonder where does it end? How far does the ocean last; you wonder if it actually hits the sky. You turn around to see the picturesque views of deer grazing through the wide valleys of green grass and colorful succulents. There are horses galloping and you watch their tail hit their body as they freely run and explore nature as it is. An experience like this is like no other. There is no medical prescription or therapy session that can give us the satisfaction and the emotional comfort that we might get through nature. A grieving mother might forget all about her sadness while in the comfort of the beach sand. A father who worries about where his children’s next meal may come from forgets all of that as he watches the stars and sits in silence with the peace of the moon. We often hear that nature is healing, but saying nature heals is truly an understatement. Nature not only heals; the sun may give us strength as we discover just how strong it shines when we are underneath it and we feel our skin get warm.  The water in the ocean is hope for our future as we stare into it and realize there is no end in sight. The trees and the birds are our friends as they listen to the venting of our fears and worries. The key is to actually get out in nature and allow it to heal us. 

Many psychologists prescribe nature to their patients and there is a very good reason for it. Sadly we live in a place where many of us would rather take a pill than take a hike in the forest, or truthfully even at a local park. I want to share how many refugees have found peace in nature through trips they were lucky to be able to be a part of. REDA offers these trips for qualifying refugees and in my opinion, these trips seem to be one of the most important services REDA can offer. As I wrote before in a previous blog article, if our mental well-being is not well, we will not be able to live a life of fulfillment or even a productive and happy life. Many adults, in this case, refugees have not felt the dirt under their feet since they were children. Many have never felt sand in their own hands or feet. When one is in nature, we tend to forget who we are, and we easily let go! We naturally let the sounds, smells, and sights of nature around us take over. We might even have flashbacks of our childhood. Often times we feel we are being taken care of by the ocean, and even by God just by allowing us to witness his creation in this form. 

That is exactly how many refugees felt as they made their way to Bodega Bay and Point Reyes in the Bay Area, California. Many felt the ocean for the first time. Tears filled their eyes as they witnessed life outside of their homes and their day-to-day lives. Many thanked the trip organizers for simply smiling in their faces and allowing them to be taken care of. They felt like they were allowed to just exist without any responsibility. Single moms were able to take deep breaths while members of REDA kept their children occupied. These moms said they never imagined that they would ever see the ocean. They never imagined leaving Sacramento! Without these trips, these moms would not have been able to afford to take their families out. There were a couple of single moms on these trips and they had told REDA members that it felt good not having to worry about what they will feed their kids that day or what their kids might be up to. They were very appreciative and could not be more grateful for the opportunity. They were able to take a break from motherhood and responsibility. Children’s laughter and adult conversations filled the beach as they flew their kites and were reminded of their previous lives in Afghanistan. The cold skies were full of beautiful kites and adults and their children watching with peace and awe. There was an elderly couple who had one disabled child and two disabled grandchildren whom they are raising and taking care of. They were able to manage babysitting and joined the nature trip to Point Reyes. They were so grateful because it was such a treat to just be out in nature as a couple without any of the kids. 

An Iraqi refugee was reminded of his days as a caption on a ship. He told stories of how he spent a big part of his life on the ocean and he never thought he would be able to visit the ocean again. He was reminded that he is an individual with hobbies and expertise and he can benefit his community. This captain offered to give classes to anyone that would like to learn from him and his expertise. He felt he was an important contributor and that was due to being in nature. A single mom cooked to make ends meet and offered her catering services to her community members and even to REDA. It is very comforting to know that the trip she was on made her feel like she wanted to give back. Another refugee was a gardener in his previous life and his love for gardening still exists. He also offered to teach botanic and gardening classes to people in his community. 

 Giving from yourself when you already don’t have much tells a lot about a person. Being in nature and being around other people you can connect with changes everything.  Many refugees are just simply living and trying to get by. They forget about who they once were and their previous success and happiness. Trips to nature were a reminder that they are needed. It was a boost in confidence and a boost in their positive self-image. Many refugees were reminded of their self-worth and it was a beautiful thing to witness. 

It is no surprise that being in nature may help reduce stress levels and helps restore your focus- thus leading to long term health benefits. Next time you need a break, just take a walk outside. No matter where you live, it is possible. It can be down the street from your apartment, at a local park where you can see and hear kids playing, or at a walking trail. Stroll with the squirrels and listen to the birds and let your natural instincts kick in. let your heart heal as it slowly clears itself from the stress that envelopes it. Let your mind clear of all negative thoughts and ideas that may surround you. Close your eyes, sit under a tree, it is okay to get dirty, and let go. Pretend you are not just a short distance from home, and let nature and God’s beauty guide your thoughts. I believe that nature is meant to be a means of comfort for us. Next time you have a headache or you feel anxiety coming around, take a step outside and just breathe. 

10.05 .22

Finding Comfort After Loss 

My grandma held me in her arms many days as I wept because I was upset at something. I can’t remember what it is now, but I remember how she always knew what the right words to say were; just like my mom.  My grandma would scold me for wasting my time in the kitchen while I had exams to study for. She would often tell me to study and that she would complete my house chores for me. I can see her now vividly standing over our kitchen sink, a 70-something-year-old widow who had seen so much in her life, washing the dishes without a care. I see her smile when she told me to go to my room and that I better do great on my exams. I see her now sitting on our small sofa in the family room folding towels and telling me to hurry and put them away before my mom comes home. She didn’t want me getting in trouble. Our tears were in synchrony as she watched me get married. More and more tears and love as she met my firstborn. That was the time her dementia became real and she was beginning to forget some of her family members. 

 She first was broken when her son, (my uncle) was killed in the war in Lebanon. Her second heartbreak was when her husband (my grandpa) died while he was at Hajj. After those heartbreaks, my grandma would cry with every crying mother. She cried at the reminder of her martyr son even years and years later. She cried when someone spoke of my grandpa’s generosity and kindness. Her heart was so fragile. She wore a beautiful gold chain with their pictures on it; for her entire life, after their death. There was a time my grandma and I shared a room. She came to visit us and she ended up staying with us for many years. Those were the years when I felt like I had two loving mothers, not one. One night my grandma slept in my full-size bed, and I had put a mattress for me right next to it on the floor. I was asleep and I was dreaming that my grandma was falling. I woke up from my nightmare with my arms open and I felt my grandma fall right into them. It was unreal! My dream was a reality all at the same time. My grandma had just had knee surgery and if she would have fallen without me catching her fall, she would have been hurt. These are just some of the memories I had with my grandma. 

She now lays in bed with no idea who I am or who any of her family members are. She lays on her death bed sometimes smiling and blowing kisses and other times crying and weeping like a newborn does when he is born weak and feeble. Feeble is just one word to describe my grandma, but she is only feeble in her physical strength. She is still a warrior and magnificent woman even on her death bed. She hasn’t eaten for weeks, and she is still fighting for her life. She still manages to smile sometimes and every time we think she is about to pass away, she shows us a sign of strength. If she could understand me, I would tell her “oh, my poor grandma, this is the time to stop fighting and to go meet your Lord.” I would tell her to let go and to go live in Allah’s heaven with her son and husband who are waiting for her. I wince when I see her face shrinking day by day. Her bones become more and more apparent. Her cheeks have sunken in and her fingers have almost melted away. Her beautiful golden hair is still in its place but her head is full of cysts that I know she would have had removed if she was well. Her eyes often roll back scaring us and leaving us to wonder if this was IT! 

I share my grandma’s story because although my heart breaks for her, death is a natural phase of life. Even though we know we will all die one day, it is still one of the most difficult things to accept. It is very difficult and horrifying when we witness our loved ones die. Especially if you watched your husband or child die from war or disease. We must accept this phase of life. Some of us have watched our husband/wife melt away slowly from sickness and we witness their death. Some of us have watched our children suffer and pass away. Many of us have watched our elderly become frail and we prayed for their comfort. No matter what we do, death will come in the way Allah has written. This means there is only one thing that is in our hands; how we react. How do we handle and deal with the death of a loved one? 

First, we must remember to accept this fate. We cannot be angry at the life Allah has written for our loved ones. Second, we must remember that there are healthy ways to cope. We must learn to deal with sadness in a healthy way. My first advice is to utilize the Quran or your book of faith. There is so much comfort in the Quran–we just need to find it. I came across a beautiful book by Asmaa Hussein. She wrote a book of diary entries after her husband was killed in Egypt protesting against the mass injustices taking place. Her husband was killed by a sniper and she was left a widow and her child fatherless. She found so much comfort and healing in the Quran. One quote I read in her book over and over again takes me to my third point: “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than it can bear…”

(Al-Baqarah 2:286)

Do not ever think that you can’t bear the pain of losing your loved one, because the fact that Allah took away that loved one, he is telling you that you can! Allah will never test you with something that you are incapable of dealing with. He has already given you the strength you need to get past your loss. As Asmaa says in her book, “Now it is up to (you) to discover, understand and employ that strength.” Remember that Allah promises us ease. Allah promises us a time when all of our anger, sadness, and burdens will disappear. We need to work our way up to that moment. We need not let the struggles of this life push us to the bottom of the ocean. We must always rise. If your husband has passed away in the war on Iraq or if your home was demolished in front of your eyes in Gaza and if your children were asleep on the rubble and cold roads in Syria–keep on pushing. Every bit of pain and suffering you felt will be unmatched with joy and comfort in jannah.  No matter how hard it is, keep on pushing because Allah says “Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. Verily, with every difficulty there is relief. (94:5 QURAN)

 I sit on my blue couch thinking about my grandma’s funeral and imagining what it will be like. Are we all going to be crying and unable to control ourselves? Are we going to feel a void in our hearts? I chose to let go of these thoughts and I decided to think happy thoughts and happy memories. I pray that I get to see my grandma in heaven and that I can sit and drink a cup of tea with her as I used to when I was 16 years old. I close my eyes and I see us sitting at the kitchen table with the sun glaring through the windows and my mother brings hot mint tea for the three of us to sip, chit chat, and laugh. 

8.30.22

Anxiety Is Real

My body trembles, I am sweating, my eyesight is slowly fading away, I feel my heart thumping out of my chest and I fall down to the floor. I am crouched with my hands on my head and eyes shut. I am unable to open them. When they are finally open, I can't see clearly, and I am crying uncontrollably. “What is going on with me!? I thought to myself.” Why don’t I have control over these tears and why won’t I stop trembling? I got up and found my queen-sized bed which suddenly felt too small for my 5’4” body. I layed down in it, and I kept my eyes shut. I realized what was happening to me, and I remembered what I needed to do. I started breathing deep full breaths. “I am okay, I am okay,” I kept repeating to myself. 

That was a panic attack! You may have experienced many panic attacks in your life and maybe you did not know what was happening to you. You may not have known it was a real condition and that it had a name. It was probably very frightening to you, and you may have had no idea what to do about it. Panic attacks come from our anxiety. Everyone has anxiety., We all get anxious in some shape or form. I get anxious when I need to have an important conversation with someone. Others get anxiety from overthinking a situation they are in, making tough decisions, and even from something as simple as going to a gathering. All these forms of anxiety can sometimes cause panic attacks like what was described at the beginning of this article.

 Another person I spoke to described her experience with anxiety: “My anxiety started as soon I had my youngest child. It started out by feeling severe paranoia and fear towards my kids. I was scared of a blanket suffocating them, whether they were cold or hot at night. I would literally get up in the middle of the night and change their shirts from a T-shirt to a long-sleeve because I was worried they would get sick. I had panic attacks often when a major event was coming up and I didn’t wanna be a part of it. With time, my anxiety went from severe to mild. After learning to manage it and after learning how to live with my anxiety, I now only feel it when I am stressed or overthinking.” Many times our anxiety gets triggered when major changes happen in our lives such as having a baby. She explains that her anxiety, “feels like a way against myself. It’s my mind and my thoughts bothering me and nagging at me. During a severe panic attack, the first thing I feel is dizziness, followed by confusion. It’s almost like I’m looking at myself from the outside and just waiting for it to pass so I can enter back into my own body. My chest starts pounding and then all the side effects together last for a few minutes until I slowly go back to feeling normal.” This is just one example of what anxiety and panic feel like. They are very common and when we learn how to manage and deal with them, our life gets so much easier. 

Four out of ten people have an anxiety disorder in the United States. Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness. Often people with anxiety also have depression. There is treatment through therapy and medication. Let's talk about why people can get panic attacks. When we experience a panic attack, our body is in fight or flight mode. It is in distress from the moment we are in and it must either fight or leave the situation (flight). At this point, it is up to our brain to decide if what we are experiencing is a real threat (such as a fire, or danger) or if what we are experiencing is unreal (such as anxiety, watching a horror movie, etc.). Not to say that anxiety is an unreal feeling, it's very real, but it is something that we must learn to control. When our fight or flight response is triggered too often, that is when we have anxiety and panic attacks. Our fight and flight responses are typically for when we really are in danger and we need to find a solution. They should not be triggered very easily, so when they are triggered often and easily–one is usually diagnosed with anxiety. 

Why does this happen? Why do some of us get triggered easily and face panic attacks? Sometimes we go through difficult times and it affects our minds and for the rest of our lives, that thing we went through continues to trigger us every time we face it again. Here is an example, a mother who has had multiple losses–whether child loss or spousal loss, may get triggered by every story about miscarriage. She may get panic attacks throughout her entire pregnancy because she is constantly reminded of her previous child loss just by being pregnant. Another example is someone who has been in a car accident, she/he may go through times in their lives where just being in a car is scary and is triggering the fight or flight response–again, causing a panic attack. 

If you are a victim of anxiety and panic attacks, here is what you can do about it. For starters, please get help. Anxiety is as real a condition as the flu or an infection. Both require you to seek treatment.  Treat anxiety the same way. It is so important because if you do not deal with your anxiety, you will not be able to function well. If you're afraid of driving or are afraid of getting a panic attack during gatherings, you may be stopping yourself from living your life the way that you want to. You may put your goals and dreams or your family in the backseat to avoid dealing with your anxiety. Many people become depressed, lose a dangerous amount of weight and stop living their lives due to their anxiety. It is very important to address it and find a solution. 

Here are some tips on how to help someone dealing with a panic attack:

1. Talk to the person experiencing a panic attack, ask them to give you an example of a time when something went wrong and how they handled it, and then ask them what they could have done differently. 

2. Provide encouragement--remind them how they handled the previous situation successfully and that they can do that again. 

3. Offer support--be helpful by telling them, “I am here for you.” Redirect the conversation/situation.

4. Offer a story from your experience--“Here is what I learned from my experience.” 

5. Ask them, “What do you need?” They may respond with a request not to judge them, and to be kind to them and you must be prepared for that. 

If you are the one experiencing anxiety or are having an anxious start to your day, I have learned from an online therapist very interesting ways to deal with it. Her name is Faye Hammoud and if you suffer from anxiety or you know someone suffering, I suggest you follow her on Instagram. I will link her page at the bottom of this article. You may find her tips silly or strange, but they work, so try them out! Here are some of the tips:

1. Try an ice facial, put some ice in a bowl and dip your face into it. This facial triggers specific nerves and signals your heart rate to slow down. You can also use an ice cube to rub your neck, temples, wrist and face and it will reduce your anxiety. 

2. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique: as you start to feel anxious, name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. 

3. Sour candy! Take sour candy wherever you go if you easily get anxious. It triggers your nervous system. Sour candy shocks the senses and distracts from panic.

4. Lemon juice directly from the lemon! It gives your body a dose of energy when it enters your digestive tract and guess what? It reduces anxiety.

5.  Hot sauce - Chili peppers and Cayenne pepper have a molecular compound that is directly linked to alleviating feelings of panic and uneasiness. 

As you can see, there are many ways to help you and I deal with our anxiety. It is normal to get anxious and panic but when it is happening more than it should, take it as a sign to get help. Remember this mantra, to be there for the people you love, you must take care of yourself first. 

 Instagram therapist- With love, Faye: https://www.instagram.com/withlove.faye/

06.22.2022

Hope for Self-Harm Behaviors

Have you ever thought about the idea that someone you love or maybe your child is self-harming? This is an incredibly difficult topic to talk about but that is the exact reason I believe it needs to be addressed. More people than you think engage in self-harm behaviors. I grew up in a household where thinking that just “being Muslim” protected me and my siblings from many things that were in fact in no way related to religion such as suicide, substance abuse, depression, and even self-harm in the form of cutting. I have heard many aunties and Muslim community members say they are grateful for Islam because they know their children will most likely not “do” what their non-Muslim peers did. That is simply untrue and I have been seeing more and more awareness about these taboo topics these days, which I am so grateful for. We, as adults, as parents, and as religious individuals, must be aware that perhaps our own children may be suffering from these ailments and we are completely unaware. When is the last time you checked on the mental health of your child? Or even your younger sibling? As mentioned in The Recovery Village website on Drugs and rehabilitation, the average age of the first incident of self-harm is 13. Forty-five percent of people use cutting as their method of self-injury. Additionally, not only is self-harm prevalent, but rates are increasing. There has been a 50% increase in reported self-injury among young females since 2009. These statistics are scary, lets’s discuss why this issue is so common. 

Many teenagers feel misunderstood and even unloved. Due to all the hormones that teens go through, they start to act out in many different ways. Common ways are talking back, being rebellious, not doing well in school, or spending time with the wrong crowd. All of these are usually things that parents are not happy about. Our job as adults is to be there for our children. Your children need to feel safe sharing their experiences with you. If you are always angry, always yelling at your children, they will not feel comfortable or safe to share their feelings, their fears and worries with you. After years of piled up emotions, these children may begin to experiment with different ways to express themselves and let out all the anger inside. Many will seem depressed and spend most of their time outside the home and others will be in their room most of the day. I spoke to someone who once used to self-harm; she explained it as an escape from being misunderstood and unloved. She often felt that her parents did not know her. She felt like she could not talk to them about her feelings because her dad was very short-tempered and telling him about her issues would only escalate things. Her mother was always angry at her for sleeping in, not cleaning her room, and for talking back all the time. She didn’t have time to sit and discuss her daughter's issues; she was too angry and too busy with everything else that was happening in her life. 

She would slowly scratch her arm and then she felt the need to feel something stronger. After every fight with her brother or sister who seemed to always gang up on her, she would run to her room crying. After every scolding from her mother, she would instantly cry and run to her room again. It was times like these that caused her to reach for the razor and to cut herself. I asked her, why? Why can’t you just tell someone that you're hurting? She shared that she wished someone would have asked her how she was feeling. She wished that she didn’t feel so different from her siblings. She needed an outlet. That was the only outlet she knew at the moment. 

Many times children go through trauma in their lives and parents do not think about the effects of it on their child. A parent might think that I went through so much in my life, and now I am fine. But if you’re that parent,  I am asking you, are you fine? Have you ever really sat with yourself and sorted through all the feelings you go through in your day? Are there not any emotions that have been in your heart that you were not able to address or even think about? Pushing these feelings away does not make you fine. Thus, do not allow your child to push their feelings away. Because they are teens and the emotions need to come out one way or another. Hopefully, with the right guidance, and with listening ears and open hearts, our children will come to us with all of their issues. The reality is, many do not. The girl in my story had a father who himself had so much unresolved trauma. He didn’t believe in therapy and he didn’t even share his experiences. This led him to become a very bitter and cold father. He often would call his daughter stupid or he would ask her if she even had a brain to think with. Don’t get me wrong, he loved his daughter very much. In fact, she was probably his favorite. But he never learned to manage his strong emotions, so he took it all out on his kids. When your child is already struggling with her self-esteem and her personality and she has a father like that, it is the recipe for disaster and cutting became her escape. 

Sometimes, our children are too afraid to share their feelings with us. Sometimes they are afraid that what they did or how they felt is not up to our parental or even cultural/religious expectations. I was told that she wished she had shared more with her parents growing up. She wished she was brave enough to tell them how she felt and to tell them about her problems. But I wonder if she would have been more courageous if her parents were more knowledgeable. Only if they knew the importance of communication. 

We need to be the listening ears even when it's hard to listen to our child’s flaws. We need to be the caring touch even when it's hard to hold them tight through their mistakes. We need to be the kind eyes who will give them courage to speak to us. Whether your child is 7 or 18, make sure you keep that communication door open. You don’t want to find out that you failed as a parent when it's too late. 

It is important to talk about red flags for teens when they are going through something and may consider self-harming themselves. Here is a list that I have compiled through my research: 

• When your child is angry too often and too fast.

• When your child cries at the first hint of disappointment.

• When your teen is spending too much time in their room. 

• A teen that doesn’t talk much and prefers to be left alone. 

• When your teen feels that no one gets them. 

• When you see your child wearing sweaters in the summer or clothes that seem inappropriate for hot weather--it is a sign they are covering up self-harming marks. 

It is important to note that these signs do not necessarily mean that your child is self-harming. Alternately, if your parental intuition tells you that something is not right and you see some of those red flags in your children, please make sure to check on them. Sometimes you should just blatantly ask them, are you hurting yourself? Yes, just ask them. Teens cutting themselves sometimes just need to feel like someone cares about them. Of course, all parents care about their children but not all children can feel that care. They need it to be more obvious and they need to feel it's real.Someone who cuts themselves will tell you that it feels relieving. Cutting themselves makes the intensity if the pain subside. It releases some guilt and self-doubt. All the times they were called “stupid “ or “annoying” the cutting becomes a punishment to themselves. These are sad but true thoughts that someone who is harming themselves might be feeling. It can be anyone, your secluded child or your quiet friend. Please always remember to check on the people in your lives, whether they are young or old, many people suffer alone. 

I would like to end this story on a somewhat positive note. Any form of self-harming can stop. With intervention, and communication, it can stop. Self-harming is not a mental condition; self-harming is an effect from unresolved issues. Therapy teaches many ways to deal with our issues. In therapy, a person can learn how to let go of their anger and express their emotions in healthy ways. The girl in this story turned to poetry, she wrote her feelings and her thoughts. Through her poetry, counseling and a new open door communication with her parents, she is healing and she is learning to love herself everyday. Success is beautiful, especially after many difficult hurdles. 

I wanted to share a poem written by this brave girl who went from self-harming to a life of fearlessness, joy and growing up unapologetic. 

Tears of joy

They don’t come very often. 

Tears of joy.

And when it comes, it’s not usually about my joy.

Good things happen 

To good people

Good things, necessary things happen 

To good, necessary people

 It’s

When she first opened her eyes.

When she fell in love.

When he fell asleep in my arms.

When she said “It would be okay if I pass away, I am ready to face Allah” When he came home safe.

When she said “I finally feel okay”, after years of pain.

 It took me too long to realize what true love looked like, or even what true joy looked like.

I was even doubting it was real at some point.

I always said to myself, I can’t wait to get there. I can’t wait till I feel complete and happy.

And full of joy.

Later once I was exposed to the real world, I really doubted true happiness and joy was real, or that it ever lasted.

I suppose everyone goes through hard times, Everyone has their struggles...

But, when will it end?

05.16.2022

Take Care Of You- an article on self-care 

I sometimes find myself wasting my time on social media, specifically Instagram, looking through other people’s posts and stories. Usually, people I don’t even know or care to know. It can be a friend that I haven’t spoken to in years, and I didn’t plan to speak to her again, or maybe it’s an “Instagram Influencer” whose life seems to be summed up in a picture-perfect page. She shares all the gifts and special attention her husband gives her. She even shares her gorgeous kitchen: decor and her quartz or marble kitchen counters with luxurious appliances and also a picture-perfect pantry. I look through the pictures, and I am in awe of how beautiful it is, and how her kitchen is truly a dream kitchen of mine. As I go through her page, I find myself wondering if her husband truly is that kind, or does he just gift her often to compensate for something else he is lacking?  He can’t be perfect after all! I know I am not the only one who does this. I am not the only one who spends wasted hours on social media looking at videos and pictures that will do us no good in our lives. In fact, they hinder our growth and our personal goals. Social media is just one way we choose to waste our time. I am here to share with you tips and tricks on how to take care of yourself and only you. I want to share with you my experience in how I have decided to put myself first and how to avoid looking at unrealistic Instagram posts and unrealistic expectations in my life. 

My first tip, yes you guessed it, get off social media! Many research actually shows that social media is a major cause of depression amongst our youth. Here is an article from Harvard that discusses how social media can lead to depression and other problems Harvard article It prevents our brain from engaging in meaningful thoughts and meaningful conversations. I witnessed this firsthand. I am a 32-year-old woman and when I seldomly sit with someone between the ages of 18 and 25, I am shocked by their weak vocabulary,  lack of meaningful conversations, and simple knowledge. I end up questioning myself, why? Am I just old and from another generation or is our youth just not smart anymore? The truth is: that the perfect couple you see on social media travel monthly and seem to be living their lives, are also struggling with infertility. When you admire and envy their traveling, remember to instead be grateful for the healthy children that you have. The family that seems so rich and is spending their wealth lavishly while you wish you had just a fourth of their wealth, is also the family that does not pray and whose children are lost in this world. Remember to be grateful for your relationship with Allah and that you would rather be close to Allah and be poor or just comfortable rather than rich and lost in your head.  Always remember the good that you have, and never compare your life with someone who you’re seeing through the lens of a screen. Because that is not real. Spend time doing things you love because doing things that make us happy leads us to happier and healthier lives. 

This takes me to my next tip: take care of yourself. Choose to be happy. I know that when I wake up in the morning I have two choices to make: I either stay in my pajamas while I deal with my toddler and 7 year old (I am not a morning person), I make my coffee and sit down to drink it while ignoring their complaints and arguments, or I can choose to change into fresh clothes, put some earrings on, and smile.  The first option sets a negative tone for my kids and me. The second allows me to feel fresh, happy, and ready to face my day and its challenges. When you wake up: smile, brush your hair, maybe put some lipstick on and expect a positive day ahead of you. It might seem silly to wake up one day and put lipstick on and make your hair look nice because maybe it is not something you typically do but try it, and I promise you that it will change your day. 

Tip number three: have you ever heard of the saying, you are who your friends are? Yes, it is true! Here is something I have been doing over the years. If I am spending time with a friend, and I don’t feel good after our time together ends, then I think about why that is. I think about the energy we bring together and I think about how we are benefiting each other through this friendship. Or are we harming each other with negative conversations and wasting our time? Look around you, look at the people in your circle and think about the energy they create around you. If you don’t feel good while you are around them or you feel they are in the way of your personal growth, maybe it is time to rethink the friendship. If you are spending time with someone who makes you feel good and brings out the best in you, then that is the friend that you want to keep. I have an Egyptian friend who literally makes my heart feel full and makes me feel like I am beaming with positivity and joy. Having any type of conversation with her always reminds me of the beauty of life and she always emphasizes my strengths without even trying. If you feel you have no choice but to be around people that don’t support your personal growth, because maybe they are at family functions or community events, then maybe just keep the conversation minimal and bring up positive things to discuss. You need people in your life who uplift you. 

Tip number four: read a book! Reading a book is not only good for our minds but it is good for our souls. I am personally still trying to perfect this tip. I have a book next to my bedside and I do read it but not as often as I would like. I love reading a good book but sometimes it’s just easier to get on our phone ten minutes before bed just to check the last email you got or the last message you received. It is much better for our brains and our sleep if we end our day with a book rather than a screen in our face. If you are religious—pick up your book of faith. If you do not enjoy reading at all and you feel this tip is just not for you then simply sit down and do nothing. Yes, that’s right, do nothing! That is my final tip. 

Tip number five: I know it sounds so silly and like it is such a waste of time. But doing nothing can do wonders for you. When we are allowing our mind to relax from all the thoughts and concerns of our day, we are giving it a chance to recover from our day. If your mind is always on and always thinking of what you need to do, your to-do list, the laundry, the dirty dishes, or what you are cooking for dinner tomorrow, you will burn out. So shut it off, take a break by putting your feet up and closing your eyes, and just releasing all the negative thoughts and concerns and let them slowly depart you one by one. 

Here is a list of a couple of books that you can start with: 

• A Temporary Gift by Asmaa Hussein

• A Place Of Refugee by Asmaa Hussein

• Born A Crime by Trevor Noah

• 19 Varieties of Gazelle by Naomi Shihab Nye

• Rifqa by Mohammed Al-Kurd

I am not a mental health professional or a doctor but I do spend a good amount of time learning. I learn as much as I can and in many forms and I hope that my voice in this article can be a way of learning for you and for your peace of mind. In the end, we all need to take care of ourselves, because if you do not take care of yourself then you cannot take care of the people you love. So start with you, go look in the mirror and smile and tell that person that today is the day when you will take care of YOU! 

If you are having a hard time taking care of yourself and you need help on how and where to start, please reach out to us on our blog and we can direct you to someone who will understand your concerns. Click on the link below and you will find many resources as well as a helpline, on the blog. 

bit.ly/Rahet-Bali

04.14.2022

A Life Found In Unexpected Places- Qusay Hussein 

Imagine being a 17-year-old Iraqi young boy hanging out with your friends, and in an instant, your life literally changes right in front of your eyes. Qusay Hussein was just a young boy when he witnessed a suicide bombing, reached death itself, and lost the life he had then. As a young boy, Qusay wanted to be a plastic surgeon. He knew someone that was always made fun of because of his looks, and Qusay was always feeling the need to help and defend him from bullies. He dreamt of becoming a doctor so he can help people like that boy he knew. Sadly when the war started in 2003, all of that changed. Nobody went to school anymore and people hardly left their homes because they feared they wouldn’t return. They were afraid they would step on a hidden bomb or that they would fall into an explosion scene. Many years passed, and the war in Iraq was not any better. It was 2006 when Qusay almost perished from life itself. 

Qusay often said that life in Iraq during 2006 was not a life of hope or dreams. It was life in the midst of a war, where people lived just to survive the day. Civil war has broken at the time and suicide bombings were happening almost daily. It was a war zone and people just had to live with it. You did not dream of a future nor did you imagine your life to be any different. You lived your life in the best way that you could and you just did your best to survive. This life did not stop Qusay and his friends from attempting to have a good time and from being outdoors. They often went to a place they called “the stadium.” It is not a stadium that we may see in huge sports events or stadiums that held thousands of people. This was a stadium that was made of rocks and sand and was small. Young men would go to the stadium and just try to have a good time together. Some would want to sit so they would use their shoe as a seat and others would stand, run around and just enjoy each other’s company. 

Qusay recalls being at the stadium one day with his two brothers and other friends when he heard a pickup truck coming their way. He watched the truck dramatically make its way around him to the point where it was so close to him that it almost killed him. Qusay looked into the eyes of the man as the man looked to both sides of his surroundings, smiled, and pressed down on his car horn. It was like a volcano went off and a massive fireball was flying in the air. Qusay was only about 5 feet away from the truck as he felt his body flying like a bird in the sky, except this was a body flying from the strength of a bomb. He flew into the air and landed face-first into the rough ground. As he was flying in the air, Qusay recalls seeing the car flying around him as if he was watching an action movie. After he lands face-first, he feels blood rushing down his face and decides that it’s just a broken nose and he gets up and starts running. As soon as he is up and running, shrapnel hits his skull, he falls to the ground with no energy to move his body at all. This is when he went blind!  A few months later, Qusay learned that the shrapnel was just slightly off from killing him completely. This was the first sign to say that Allah did not plan for Qusay to leave this world yet. 

Qusay’s home was not far from the stadium so his father had heard the bombing and he rushed to the stadium to see if his children were okay. As he was searching for his children, he heard Qusay call out to him and he was relieved to find his son alive. After being sent to safety, Qusay’s family was told that Qusay would die in 30 minutes. He was put in the room with all the people that have died from the explosion. His father went to recover the body so he can get it washed and buried but he heard Qusay plead, “dad help me, I am alive!” Qusay was sent to a U.S. base for treatment and he went into a coma for 12 days. During those 12 days, his family had no contact with the U.S. base and had assumed their son was dead. They arranged a funeral and claimed a death certificate from the Iraqi government. When his family got the phone call that he was alive, they did not believe it. It took time for them to believe it and for them to accept the new Qusay. A few weeks before that, Qusay was a healthy 17-year-old son to them and now he was home blind, physically mutilated from the explosion, and traumatized. Qusay’s father did not understand why God allowed Qusay to live this way. He preferred that his son would die and not live a life of pain. When Qusay learned about his permanent vision loss, he became depressed. He lived his next two years miserably. He did not want to be alive and it was very hard for him to accept that he was blind. He was depressed!

 His faith in God and in God’s plan gave him the motivation to later overcome all of the obstacles that came his way. In 2010, with the help of Doctors without Borders in Jordan, Qusay received many more treatments, and he reached a point where he became as self-sufficient as possible. He later resettled in Austin, Texas, and adapted to life in the states by quickly learning English and excelling in everything he attempted. Qusay turned his trauma into a form of self-motivation as well as motivation and inspiration for others. He is currently pursuing a master’s degree in social work and he will not stop at anything until he reaches his goal of becoming a doctor--as he once promised his father. 

Qusay is a perfect example of how life can seem like it is completely over with nothing to live for and to show that it can get turned around into something beautiful and meaningful with faith, hard work, and a lot of intentional effort. He used his strengths to strengthen his weaknesses and he used his faith in God’s plan to keep pushing himself out of the difficult life he was enduring. This is life. We deal with obstacles in our day-to-day lives. Some may be huge obstacles like the ones Qusay was overcoming and others may be smaller. No matter what our obstacles are and no matter how hard we think we are trying, we can always try harder. We are worth it; we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be even when it seems like the entire universe is against us. Just keep in mind that God has a plan for you. Remember that every soul on this earth has a purpose, and it is our job to find that purpose. That purpose will make us happy and content with the life that we create for ourselves. I am sure if someone had told 17-year-old Qusay that he will end up in Texas motivating people to live their best lives, he would have laughed. We don’t know where we will end up, but like Qusay, keep on pushing and believe that God has beautiful plans for you.  Allow your heart to heal and allow your body to take you to the unexpected places that you will soon discover. 

If you feel depressed, unhappy with yourself and your life, please reach out to REDA’s helpline at bit.ly/REDAhelp. We can provide resources to help you overcome your depression--you will be just fine. 

03.27.2022

You Are Worthy- An article about divorce and its realities. 

There are times in life when we go through thoughts of anger, despair, and strong emotions and we feel no one can understand us. We don’t allow ourselves to feel what we are truly feeling. We brush our feelings to the side and we hope for things to get better. We pray and pray and we make dua, and yet we are still unhappy day in and day out. I am not saying that prayer and dua do not work. I am saying that sometimes enough is enough and we need to learn when that time comes. One of the many reasons women may be feeling these deep feelings is divorce. Marriage is one of the most beautiful things that we may experience in life. It completes our deen. It makes us happy to live with a spouse who is there for us and understands us. Other than God and our own children, I believe that marriage should be of the top priorities. It is the way we move up in life, it is how we grow. Everyone hopes they made the right decision and they marry a spouse that only gets them closer to their faith and to their goals in life. But what happens when you choose the wrong spouse? Do you stay in the marriage or do you walk away? I know a few people who have divorced their spouses and let me tell you, it was brutal! We will never know how it feels without being in their shoes. Couples go from being best friends and in love to literal enemies who cannot stand hearing each other’s names, yet many choose to stay in the marriage.

 After speaking to my friends who have been divorced or are going through a divorce; they both said they waited too long. The many reasons they stayed were because of the cultural shame that presented itself. They would hear things like “ It’s your husband, be patient,” or “what will people say?” Away from the weight of cultural traditions and their role in keeping dysfunctional marriages on, here are three things I learned about marriages that ended up in divorce: 

1. Do not ignore the red flags. If you keep seeing red flags, there is a reason—address them! 

2. Gaslighting is real—if your partner is making you doubt your worth or if your partner is accusing you of being unreasonable when clearly the signs of his betrayal/being unfaithful are clear, address it.

3. Emotional abuse IS abuse. Abuse does not only come in the form of physically hurting someone. If your partner is saying negative things to you all the time or is making you feel that you are worthless and not wanted but they still want you in their lives—that is a red flag. There are many forms of abuse, it is so important to know that abuse can be physical, mental, and emotional. It is all abuse and one is not less hurtful than the other. 

A common characteristic  I hear about in men who are leading unhealthy relationships is narcissism—especially covert narcissism. This is when a man is usually loved by others, he is charming and he comes off as a wonderful person. But in his marriage, he is the opposite. It is so important to recognize this in your partner, because these are signs that you need to get out. A narcissistic person will never put your relationship first. 

On the other hand, I want to be sure that I am not giving the wrong message here. I am not saying that the second you see a red flag, you get out. No! Divorce is not a decision that should be taken lightly despite it being halal to us. You must work hard on your relationship and you should really try with all of your mental strength. Work hard on your relationship, go to marriage counseling and talk to your family. Work it out as much as you can, but when you know in your gut and in your heart that your marriage is over and you are unhappy every day, that’s when you may want to think about what options are available to you.  Do not lose yourself and do not give away all you can offer to a relationship that is not giving you peace. That’s when the search for a better life begins. My friend once said it this way: Which do you prefer, to be unhappy and miserable but married so that you don’t go against cultural norms or to sleep happy with a clear, content heart but divorced?  

Learn to find your worth; women often do not know their worth. Women are not just mothers and wives. Women are whole human beings with a heart and with feelings. You have so much love to give, and you are in need of love. Many women may be scared and they think they cannot live without their partner, but they finally make it through.  All it takes is a shift in mindset. If you’re pushed to live on your own, Allah will be with you and you will succeed.  Allah gave us so much strength and so much courage and it's there in our minds; this is one of the times we need to utilize it. 

One of the comments women hear is “get out of this marriage as quickly as possible so by the time you remarry, others would not have even noticed you divorced.” I find these comments so sad! When a woman is going through a divorce, she needs support. She needs her family and her friends. We need to break these cultural barriers that put women down. If you find yourself in a situation where you need to get a divorce, keep this in mind: you are a strong woman. There is no shame in women taking their rights, even when it seems to be culturally wrong.  Do not do it on your own; find a support system. The future may be scary and many women feel stuck in their relationships because they are financially dependent on their husbands. Yes, it will be hard, yes you will struggle. But you can ask for help, there is no shame in asking for help. If you are making the right decision, Allah will somehow guide you. As my two friends say: their divorce was a nightmare. They stayed until their breaking point, but when they finally found the strength to get out, they felt liberated. They found themselves again. They remembered who they were before they entered the toxic relationship. 

I do not support divorce. I believe it should be the last resort. But I do believe women should be mentally stable when in a marriage. Our mental health is so important because if we are mentally unstable, we will not be able to be present or to show up in the important aspects of our lives. What is the takeaway here? If you have issues in your marriage, work on it once and twice, and three times. As long as you see progress, respect from your partner, and communication then keep working on your marriage. Keep making dua and keep praying because, in the end, it is all in the hands of Allah. But also, if you know in your heart that your marriage is over, do what you need to do. Do not wait till your breaking point and do not lose yourself… Allah does not want that for anyone. Know your worth! You are strong, you are beautiful and you are powerful. You are worthy, own it!

If you feel that you are in an abusive relationship and you need help figuring out what to do, reach out to REDA’s helpline at bit.ly/REDAhelp. We can provide resources to help you. You will be okay.

02.21.2022

Child Loss and Grieving : It never truly ends. 

Say the word; Miscarriage. It’s okay, we can talk about it. We must start talking about it. Often times we are told it is better to hide our pregnancy. In fact, most Middle Eastern cultures pass that idea from one generation to the next. People want to hide their pregnancies just in case it ends in a miscarriage or in another unfortunate situation. But why? Why should we hide our greatest joy and why should we hide the result of our many and many duas? I was pregnant for the first time in 2013, and in 2015 I had my first child. In those two years, I was pregnant three or four times. To be honest, I lost count. I lost count because I would continuously get pregnant and then miscarry until I finally had my miracle baby in 2015. I never hid my pregnancies because I was always so happy and excited that my family and friends just knew! I remember after my second or third loss, an elderly in my family had suggested to me that I don’t share with anyone if I got pregnant again. I nodded my head and said okay, but in my heart, I knew that’s not who I was. I also knew his advice was probably better for my soul. People don’t know how to act when they see others suffering or grieving. Let’s face it, people don’t know what to say in uncomfortable situations.  I did not want anyone's pity, I did not want their curious and nervous eyes looking at me. I just wanted others to look at me and say,  “ I don't know how you're feeling, but I am here for you and I am sorry that you're going through such a hard time”. That’s all! Isn’t that all we need to hear from others? Acknowledgment, and comfort.

 After I had my first child, I lost my second child to Spina Bifida.  Her name was Madinah. That’s when I learned that I never truly got over my previous losses. Even though she was never born, I named her and buried her as any other mom would do for her child. I chose to grieve that way. I chose to think of her and to be reminded of her because one will never grieve if these traumatic experiences keep getting pushed to the back of our mind.  Whenever I sit with myself and think about my experiences, I ask myself, what did I learn from my experience? Not necessarily my losses, but my experience in general. I learned to breathe. I learned to accept my fate. I learned to speak up and most importantly, I learned to grieve. Grieving is something many people are afraid of. We are often taught to suck it up and to just forget about it. We are taught to be strong and move on. The number one phrase I was told after my greatest loss was, “ You’re strong, you will be okay”. Many times I wanted to yell out, Yes I am strong but I wasn't prepared for this. Yes, I am strong but I am still allowed to cry. This is when I learned to speak up. I communicated that I needed space. I told my family to stop talking about babies a week into my loss. I asked them to stop telling me not to cry. I want to cry. You should cry. Cry your heart out, go for a drive late at night. Sit in your room alone, ignore the rest of the world and scream into your pillow. Set that inner voice of yours free. Grieve, grieve, and don’t forget to breathe. Many people forget that even our beloved prophet grieved. He also cried and allowed himself to feel pain. We are allowed to grieve. 

I made it one of my missions in life to speak about child loss. I want other women to know that they are not alone. About 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriages. (MayoClinic) The key term here is “known”. It is safe to say that the number of miscarriages is probably higher because a miscarriage typically happens early on in the pregnancy when many women don’t even know they are pregnant yet. The point is, it is very normal to have a miscarriage and you should never be embarrassed or ashamed of it. You should never allow anyone to make you feel like you are less than because you miscarried. We should always keep in mind that it is God that destined that fate for us. We need to accept it and embrace it. I decided to reroute my negative thoughts about my losses and turn them into positive thoughts. I was  telling myself that I have many babies in Jannah (Heaven) just waiting for me to arrive. I actually believe women who went through this,  like me, are the lucky ones. God loves us so much that He guaranteed a place in Jannah for us. He loves us so much that he allowed us to be with our children in Jannah without all the hard work of parenting. If you are one of the lucky mammas who had a miscarriage or lost her child, please remember that you aren’t alone.  Many of us have lost our children. Tell your friend about it, share your loss with another woman who is experiencing her own trauma. The more we talk about it, the more we normalize miscarriage, the easier it will be for us and for others to grieve through it. When we find others who can relate, we won’t feel as sad. We will know that we aren’t the only ones. There is a reason I miscarried so many times and if you lost a child, there's a reason for that as well. Only God knows that reason and when we meet our beautiful children in heaven— we will be grateful for our losses in this Dunya. 

I also wanted to write a side note to all the mammas who had a miscarriage before, please do not hesitate to see a therapist. There is no shame in talking to a professional who can help you sort through your feelings. If you decide you do not wish to speak to a therapist, talk to a friend, someone you trust, and someone that will listen to your thoughts. 

01.21.2022