1. Words of Affirmation 

Of the five love languages, this is one that all teens need, regardless of whether it is their primary love language. This is because teens are grappling with self-identity and comparing themselves with their peers. Many conclude that they do not measure up; they feel insecure, have little self-esteem and blame themselves. Teens need affirming words more than anyone else, regardless of their primary love language. 

Teenagers need to hear words of praise from their parents. There are always teenage actions worthy of praise. Parents should praise positive behaviour specifically; when parents cannot praise results, they should praise efforts.

2. Physical Touch

If a child’s primary love language is physical touch, it will not change during the teenage years. However, the language of physical touch must be spoken at the appropriate time and place and in the appropriate manner. It must be done in a way that does not threaten their emerging self-identity and independence. The book contains a list of practical ways to express this love language.

3. Quality Time

Teenagers with this primary love language require their parents to make the time to give them focused attention. Even when doing things together, parents need to communicate that the teenager is more important to him/her than the activity/event. Ways to do so include eye contact, conversations, body language.and, most importantly, the skill of listening to the teenager. Parents need to ask questions with a genuine desire to understand the teenager’s thoughts, feelings and desires. This means parents listen sympathetically and avoid giving unsolicited assessment. The book offers tips on how to select suitable activities for quality time together and ways to carry out meaningful conversation with teenagers

4. Acts of Service 

In emphasising the importance of acts of service for teenagers with this primary love language, the book clarifies that this should be done without turning the teenager into a helpless person. It gives tips on how to do things for the teenager while nurturing her into an independent person with the skills to do things for herself and others. 

5. Gifts

The book calls attention to the need to give gifts unconditionally, not as compensation or reward, but as a way to show love by choosing gifts that fit the teenager’s interests. It grapples with how parents can give without encouraging materialism and while helping the teenager to appreciate the value of money.

In the chapter, “Love and the Desire for Independence”, the writer stresses that teenagers need and want their parents’ input on important areas of life, but they will not receive it if their parents treat them like a child or deprive them of the freedom to make independent decisions.  He observes that when parents use dialogue and are open to the teenager’s opinions, the teenager will receive the parental input, and thus be influenced by the parent’s values. 

In the chapter “Love and the Need for Responsibility”, the writer shares that teenagers need to know that freedom cannot exist without responsibility. Responsiblity requires boundaries, and parents are responsible for establishing these rules, or boundaries. Yet, because teenagers are developing independence, they want to play a part in forming the rules and setting consequences. Wise parents will let their teenagers express their idea of what constitutes fair rules and responsible behaviour. When parents and teenager share their perspectives and reasoning, teenagers are more willing to accept the final word of their parents on the boundaries. They may still get angry at strict boundaries but they will accept that their parents are right to set boundaries and know that their parents do so because they love them.

While the concept of five love languages has its detractors who argue that there is no scientific basis for people having a primary love language, millions of readers have found the framework to be helpful.

The book can be borrowed from our local libraries in hard copy or in the form of an e-book.

Contributed by Mrs Tan Lu Hoon Irene 

Love Language Infographic

Here's an overview of how we can communicate and demonstrate the various love languages: