A man walks into a bar....

... and he says, "Give me a drink before the trouble starts."

He drinks that and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." He drinks that and says, "Give me another drink before the trouble starts." The bartender says, "When's the trouble going to start?" The man says, "The trouble starts once you realize that I don't have any money."

... and gets stopped by this bum...

panhandling on the corner before the bar who says, "Mister, do you have a dollar you can spare me." And the man says, "Well, if I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No...." "Well, if I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?" "Nnnoooo...." "Listen, would you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

... and orders his drink, and he looks in his pocket.

And he orders another drink and looks in his pocket again, and drinks that, and orders another drink and drinks that, and looks in his pocket. Has another drink. It goes on like this for awhile, and the bartender finally says, "What -- what do you have in your pocket?" The guy says, "Well, it's a picture of my wife. And when she starts looking good to me, I know it's time to go home."

... and he orders three separate shot glasses of Irish whisky.

And he drinks all three in a row. And he does this day after day after day until the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three of those shots into one glass for you." "No, no, no, I prefer it this way. You see, I have two brothers, and they're over in Ireland, and I love them. This glass right there -- this is for Finnian, and this glass here is for Fergus, and this glass is for me. And this way, with all three glasses, I sort of feel as if we're together having a drink." So he does this day after day, comes in, the bartender sets up all three glasses. The man drinks them and then one day the man says, "Gimme...two shots today." And the bartender says, "...What happened? Did something happen?" "Oh, no no no," the man says, "They're okay, my brothers -- it's just that I decided to quit drinking."

... and there's a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

They sit and have a drink together and she leans over and says, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." And he takes off his jacket and he says, "I need this ironed."

So an old man and woman walks into a bar, and the woman sits at the bar.

And the old man gets up to go talk to some young women who were in the corner. And the bartender says, "Say, ma'am. Doesn't that bother you, that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?" And the wife says, "No, not really. I mean, dogs chase cars, but it doesn't mean they know how to drive."

So this cowboy walks into a bar and he orders a beer.

His hat is made of brown wrapping paper, his shirt and vest are made of wax paper, and he had chaps and his pants and even his boots were made of paper. Even his spurs were made of tissue paper. Pretty soon they arrested him for rustling.