Mick McKellar Update--Day +71
Long shadows tell the tale: Dusk draws nigh and twilight soon after, a fitting end to a sunny spring day in Rochester. Of course, the intrepid walkers participated -- we walked to Barlow Plaza and back, enjoying a bit of sunshine on the two mile round trip. My legs complained a bit, but this is a good thing -- for a muscle to complain, it has to still be there.
We had no business at the hospital today, but my doctor did call to verify the correct dosages of my medications and to let me know the results of the second Chimera test: I am still 100% donor in my blood stream! This, coupled with the ongoing antics of GVHD (minimal now) are good indicators. I thanked her profusely and hung up, smiling a great smile.
The good news prompted me to take a chance on a poem after all these months. The rest of tonight's journal entry is my introduction to the poem and the poem itself. I am uncertain how much poem is Midnight Poet and how much remains the unfocused mind of Chemical Elwin. In "Glance" I try to describe the decision to share my personal journal of my journey of 100 days and beyond.
I thank you all for your grace in the face of my slow-coach reasoning and uncounted grammatical and syntax errors, and for your wonderful communications, whether by card, letter, e-mail, phone, or messages. Your prayers, good thoughts, chants, wishes, and stories continue to provide hope and peace for us.
God Bless and good night,
Mick
And now: Glances
Beginning with the gift of life from my brother Kevin, I began sharing my journey through the blood and marrow transplant process. A mailing list given over to sharing my poems, suddenly became a daily journal of challenges, victories, set backs, and lots of memories rushing in to fill the long hours spent waiting, praying, fighting, crying, and shivering against a burning rash. It was not an easy decision to share so much, both because the content could not be more personal and because I feared none would care about such a personal journey into the past, mixed with the daily challenges of the BMT process.
Imagine my surprise when my friends and family asked me to continue! I nearly ran and hid away in my erratic attic -- my dusty, musty mind. However, poking about in there has proven both useful and surprising for me, and sharing some of what I have found has helped clarify my responses to daily challenges and changes. Viewed through the new eyes of a soul that takes each new day as a gift from God, each new breath as a gift from my brother, and each moment as a treasure to be shared -- those bags of dusty old memories and those many mirrors in my mind demand I consider sharing them. This poem, my first in many long months, describes my decision to share.
Mick
Glances
I ran among the mirrors in my mind,
And fearing any inadvertent glance
Would touch my eye, or else that I should find,
Another presence watching me by chance,
So suddenly suspicious and afraid,
Blind panic robbed my reason and my wit;
Until by dusty bags of thoughts delayed,
I chose a smaller one and sat on it...
While sitting on the bag, as still as stone,
I calmed myself down, as I knew I must.
I'd always felt as though I were alone,
When shuffling among cobwebs and dust,
When peeking into mirrors old and new,
When sorting through my musty memories,
When seeking shadows, hoping for a view
Down into why they grow like a disease.
I pondered in the hazy, silent gloom,
What caused me both to startle, and to run
Around within my ancient storage room:
The feeling that a new change had begun!
It happened when I opened up a door,
And shared the contents of my dusty bags.
Then opening some windows, I shared more,
By dusting off my mirrors with old rags.
As I discover memories long sought,
And search among them with a focus small,
Assessing if the recollections caught
Within them should be shared with one and all;
Then having shared so many recently,
Among my family and many friends,
I'll share whatever cleans up decently --
And hope and pray the sharing never ends.
Mick McKellar
May 2011