Mick McKellar Update--Day +37
Marian tells me, it was a very nice afternoon. She went for a long walk (couple of miles) to Walgreens and the HyVee Store. Sunny, bright, an "all is right" afternoon. Where was I? Unconscious. The Ambien has provided the powerful tool to allow me to sleep, on my side, in a bed last night. It also seems to have empowered the great Dozer. As soon as stop working on a problem for even a few minute, I am asleep.
A mini-Rip Van Winkle, I have to ask, "What did I miss?" Unlike missing a TV show or a movie, there is a real sense of loss - at least for me. However, sleep is a great healer and I pray her visits speed things along.
What did I miss?
I was thinking back to my prove yourself/power/promotion days, mostly at SSA, when I worked extensive hours and handled many and complex extra projects for the agency. I wanted on the fast track to a GS-11 Supervisor's job and I was focused on that goal. The agency was noticing young workers who went out of their way to take difficult details and travel for useful training programs. I was hungry.
Full face...
I came home each night, dog tired, and watched the evening news, read a few books. At dinner, I hardly talked, and though Marian and my daughter talked, I hardly listened because I was so wrapped up in my little world of expectant success.
Later one evening, as I was trying to read the local newspaper and watch a TV show, my daughter came over to tell me something important about school...(note: transcription suspect)
"Daddy?"
"Yes, honey, what it is?"
"We're doing something important tomorrow at school, I want to be sure you know about it."
"Go ahead, honey, I’m listening." But I was not listening, I was still staring at the television and trying to portion off a slice of my attention. Suddenly, I felt two small hands grab my face (partly by my mustache, so it got my attention) and pulled my face down to look into her (irritated, but) soft brown eyes...
"No! Full-face listen!"
Needless to say, I listened intently that time. Full-face listen, what a concept! Only years later, after the promotions never happened and I had missed thousands of important minutes in my own children's lives did I realize how important and how hard it is to truly listen to what another person, even a loved one, is tell you.
Your mind runs ahead, preparing questions, other stray thoughts gather around and press inward, you may already be preparing your response and will miss important, even critical facts. I started by scribbling notes on a pad and then asking questions to fill in things I missed. I am still not a great listener, but I do pretty well, despite certain infirmities. I use e-mail now, more than phone, because I can re-read what I missed or did not know that I did not understand.
It is one way I cope in a world where nobody seems to be listening to anything but their own sound track (in some cases, literally -- cell phones, iPods, etc. connected to headphones that block out me and the rest of the world).
Thank you for listening to my journey (all mixed up with my memoirs).
It gives me great inner peace to know that you are there beside us on this journey, as mundane as dust sometimes, and critical at other times. Knowing we are not alone, that you pray for us, think about us, and even send bits of home (cards, e-mails, calls, and messages) makes each day even more special.
I thank God for today. I thank God for a few hours of focused awareness to write to you. And I thank God for all of you.
God bless you all,
Mick