Another icy steel dawn melts into a gray slush puddle day. The light is uniform gray and welds the steel and glass buildings with the stainless sky. The bare arms of the lonely trees and shrubs that defy the encroaching concrete and black top, sway and dance in the chilly wind. The ever-present crows and ravens haunt these survivors, often filling every branch in true Hitchcock-ian fashion. One could almost imagine watching the world in black and white and shades of gray -- like the old TV shows.
Our patient shuttle was full this morning -- standing room only. Marian volunteered to stand, but the driver made her sit because she is too short to effectively use the central hand rail which is near the ceiling. Smug Mick was grinning behind his mask until I was force to sit as well -- no patients are allowed to stand either. I swear the rather large woman I replaced was upset, so I shrugged my shoulders, and I said: “I guess chivalry IS dead!” Besides I was pretty sure she would not hit a fellow wearing both glasses and a medical mask...
I won’t say I move slowly, but as I climbed down from the shuttle, I was offered a wheelchair. Being the pleasant person I am, I glowered at him until he backed away. However, my numbers are looking very good. My hemoglobin is up from 8.4 to 9.0, my WBC increased from 1.2 to 2.2, my ANC climbed from 0.47 to 1.12, and my platelets are up from 95,000 to 130,000. These numbers indicate full engraftment is taking place, and we now start watching for signs of Graft versus Host Disease. I think things may be moving faster, because the inhalation therapy (medicine to prevent the pneumonia the often comes with GVHD) scheduled to begin March 16 has been moved up to tomorrow.
They are still having difficulty balancing my cyclosporin levels. Today they drew blood from my vein rather than my line, because they fear some cyclosporin my have coated one of the lines and offering readings far above the actual. I’m still waiting for the phone call to change my dosage.
Ash Wednesday
The atmosphere seems appropriate, although I cannot attend services. Still, today seems like an appropriate day for reflection on the last year. I know that I have caused upheaval in my family, caused suffering through the heroic efforts of my blood brother and my impossibly dedicated spouse, and caused multiple clerks and customer service people to reconsider their careers. I have spent almost an entire year being as self-centered and selfish as a person can be, all under the auspices of the patient allowance.
Tonight also helps me put my “suffering” and fear of death into perspective. I carry none but the weight of my own sins as I stare into the abyss. “Ashes to ashes” has haunting new meaning for me. In the last six months, I believe I have come to understand my own mortality and to no longer fear death itself -- only the pain and suffering my own death would have on those I love.
For that reason, my focus for Lent is on life -- not the “good life” or “high life,” but on staying alive and finding a purpose for that life, beyond simply not being dead. Instead of giving something up for lent, I intend to grab on to something -- my own life and make Lent truly a time of renewal.
I’m keeping my update short tonight because I want to spend time resting and reflecting, and probably sleeping.
Thanks to all who keep writing and sending messages, who offer good thoughts and prayers. In my opinion, I think we are ahead of schedule because of the powerhouse of your prayers.
God bless and good evening,
Mick