Is it wrong to despair of life in the lonely hours when waves of pain mix with whispers of doubt? Perhaps, yet I wonder how many have reached the end of that particular rope, and only with determination, God’s help, and the resurrection of love for one’s life and for those closely bound to it -- have clung tenaciously until loving hands lift them up? I am not ashamed to admit that demons in my darkness have driven me near the end of that golden cable, to stare into the abyss where my darkest doubts abide.
Hanging there, suspended between worlds, it would be so easy just let go and drift into the darkness...
That’s when I heard the voices of my loved ones and felt the uplifting power of prayers, hopes, wishes, good thoughts. That’s when I realized I am among the richest of men. That’s when I know in the superheated core of my soul that I have not the right to cast away the golden gift of life given by God -- the ultimate gift giver.
Today it dawned on me that I have heard so many other souls lamenting for another or a different life and totally ignoring the grace and grandeur of the life they have. Upon hearing those lamentations I better understand the wonder of my own tattersal crazy quilt life, and despite the headaches, and heartaches, I would not trade a moment...would not seek to modify the masterpiece, although its beauty be appreciated only by me.
As you suspect, Day +10 did not start particularly well, although waking up was pretty cool. I have a sore in my throat that makes swallowing food or liquids much the same as swallowing swords. So, last night consisted of naps in between the times I would swallow in my sleep and wake up looking for cool water to put out the fire. They gave me a pain patch at the hospital which should help with the pain. I cannot take Tylenol or similar drugs because they can mask a fever -- usually the first indicator that things are about to go awry. Every day a new surprise and another challenge awaits us and the medical staff at Mayo Clinic. I just pray I don’t discover something they haven’t seen before.
Once again, we were called back to the hospital this afternoon because I needed an IV infusion of magnesium. I’ve searched and cannot find where it is leaking out. I suspect the leak is very near the spot my energy is leaking as well. The fatigue is profound. When I woke up this morning, I sat up thinking that I had a little more energy and walked to the bathroom...all the while wondering when they had time to install the stairs...
Still, the doctors and nurses say I am making very good progress and are amazed that somehow, Marian and I managed to get more than four liters of liquid into me yesterday. Woohoo!
We received four more wonderful cards today, including one of those singing cards from my cousin telling me to “Hang Tough!” You got it, cuz! I’ll hang tough for all the right reasons, including the fact that Marian will be right beside me, hanging tougher.
Please know that, although I visit dark places, I can always find my way back by following the flickering candles of your thoughts and prayers.
They’ve been having network problems all day here, so I am going to transmit now and avoid the frustration later.
God bless you all,
Mick