I was so looking forward to “sleeping in” on our day off from visits to the hospital, that I lay awake most of the night in anticipation and in fear that something would go wrong (fever, rash, etc.) and Marian would have to call 911. They don’t take minor changes lightly. A fever of 100.3 is enough to send the ambulance -- the reason: Fever is one of the first indicators of an infection and all infections must be treated as life-threatening -- with IV antibiotics, etc.-- a constant reminder of how tenuous is the web that weaves me to this life.
Near Panic at the Mall
Yesterday, I tagged along as Marian and our friends made a side trip to the mall. I figured to find a quiet corner, hide behind my mask, and do a little people watching. It never dawned on me that yesterday was Saturday...at the mall... No only were they very many people, but also very many little people -- kids everywhere! We walked in past the pit area for kids to play. Where I should have seen a concave coliseum of comical chaos, I saw a bloody big basin of bilious bacteria. I shuffled past as quickly as possible and ensconced myself on an uncomfortable bench well protected by fake ficus. I practiced caution. I perceived fear. I purchased a pair of slippers. (My old ones had the souls loose both front and back. Coming down the halls at the transplant house I sounded like a horse at full cantor...clippety clop, clippety clop).
Shortly thereafter we swam quickly from that sea of humanity and went to dinner. One thing I will grant the restaurants in Rochester...if you are wearing a mask like mine, they know to find you a corner or wall table with as much distance from other customers as possible -- because you have to take off the mask to eat, and they seek to limit your exposure.
I don’t know...is OK
Over breakfast discussions with Marian and our friends Mina and Roy, a thought awakened as good strong coffee help to lift my morning fuzziness fog: It is OK to not know something. I remember when I was 18, that I already knew everything. I know this because my parents, usually with some disgust in their voices, would say things like, “You just go ahead, you already know everything! Smart (you fill in part)” At the time, I thought them quaint and a bit jealous.
Much of my life since has been as much a struggle to “unlearn” all the crap I thought I knew, as to learn the truths about living, loving, and relating to fellow students of life. Still, I felt that I had to pursue topics diverse, sublime, and even ridiculous in an effort to become a modern Renaissance man. I wanted to know it all, or at least enough to converse, debate, and communicate on any and all subjects. Needless to say, it was a grand and foolish design, in the end doomed to failure. However, recent events have changed my perspectives to understand that the pursuit of knowledge is a worthy goal, but not if it consumes your soul and you forget to live your life.
As the medications steal some of my mental edge and I have more “Senior Moments,” I have discovered it is OK to say, “I don’t know.” I may forget the things I learned, but I do not forget the moments I lived, and they are most precious to me. I won’t regret the trivia I failed to memorize. I will regret the little life moments I let pass by, the greeting I failed to utter, the smile I withheld, and the lost opportunities to simply say: “I love you.”
The greetings, the cards, the e-mails,and all the blessings and prayers power our progress and give me more of those precious moments to treasure.
Thank you all and God bless,
Mick