My Marriage Is Not Working: How To Turn Around A Bad Marriage

My marriage is not working - How to turn around a bad marriage.

I get a lot of emails that ask for advice on a marriage that is "just not working." Usually some things have been tried and maybe a promise or two has been made. Usually the result is some short term improvement but no long term gain. At the end of the day, the whole process will make both parties frustrated and confused because, despite the time, effort, and aggravation going into this process, the marriage is still something that they see as less than desirable. People often describe these types of marriages as "like living with a roommate" or something that has evolved into a sort of "sister / brother relationship." Sometimes I hear comments like "I love my husband dearly, but I'm no longer 'in love' with him. Despite our best efforts, the spark is just gone."

Sometimes I get descriptions from the other side of the spectrum where there is just no love lost between them. They constantly fight or collide and there can be a lot of anger and tension in the house. Believe it or not, both scenarios are likely a symptom of the same thing and both need the same improvement process in order to recover. I'll explain this more in the following article.

Watch How You Describe And Think About Your Marriage: I realize that you've probably found this article by searching phrases like "the spark is gone in my marriage," or "I'm no longer in love with my husband," or "my marriage isn't working." And, these may well be accurate statements, at least for the time being. However, your thoughts can have a HUGE impact on your perceptions and on your actions. So if, even to yourself, you're describing your marriage like it's a broken down car missing a tire or that it's something that so run down that it will take a lot to fix it, (if this is even possible,) then you're already forming your negative perceptions so your negative actions are going to logically grow out of this and follow.

You don't want you or your spouse to view this as something that is insurmountable or that something that is going to be impossible to fix. And, you don't want to have the mental image that turning this around is going to involve something like rolling up your sleeves and getting down to hard labor ("work.") You want to look at this as an opportunity to grow together so that you're both happy and fulfilled again - as you were in the beginning. You want to make the process enjoyable so that you will both participate willingly, knowing that the pay off will be pleasurable and will be worth it. This doesn't need to be drudgery.

There's no reason why you can't work with the most important person in your life to make things better for both of you. Think back to the things you enjoyed together and vow to do more of them. Know that rediscovering each other will only be awkward or difficult if you let it be. So much of this is your attitude and your willingness to be open again. So, don't refer to your marriage as a broken entity that "just isn't working right." Think of it as something in transition that is going to so much better that you're both incredibly happy with it when you're through.

Deciding What's Actually Wrong In Your Marriage: It's absolutely normal and understandable that most people want to go right for the heart of the matter. They believe that all they really have to do is to pinpoint what are the fatal flaws in their marriage, work really hard to fix them, jump through really difficult and uncomfortable hoops, and you'll eventually limp along to a place where you can at least function decently again. This is how many people approach this process, but this model is very flawed.

Sure, you need to understand and then fix the issues in your marriage. You can't just turn a blind eye on what is really bothering you. However, jumping in to the unpleasant large issues between you is, in my opinion, sort of going at the process completely back ward. Because until you're feeling intimate and bonded with your spouse again, you're going to have walls built up that are going to quite difficult to navigate. You're going to have a much easier time if you're able to establish a "we" mentality where both people are getting some sort of positive pay off, are having a decent time, and want very much to stay in the game.

This comes back to looking at this like labor that is intense and undesirable. This is not what you want. You want to create shared experiences (without putting too much pressure on yourself) where you can begin to rediscover what brought you together in the first place. Because honestly, no matter where you think your problems lie, almost every marital issues stems from one thing - a lack of intimacy. So, you can't restore the spark, chemistry, or bond until you address the feelings of closeness and affection. If you're not feeling the give and take of a healthy relationship, then you both are likely going to drag your feet when it gets to the "hard parts."

So, in the beginning, just try to have some fun together. Vow not to let neglect and just doing what you've always done or allowing the bad habits that you've fallen into the set the tone. Change things up. Make the time. Do what you used to love doing together. You don't want to have the deep discussions right now. At this time, you should be only looking to lighten the atmosphere and to cut the tension. You're looking to put in more time, listen more intently, give more freely, and to be open to seeing the positive rather than the negative.

Because when you begin to both do this, the dynamics begin to change. You'll start to see conversations just naturally growing out of this process. Your spouse will actually want to work with you because he enjoys being with you and the pay off is greater with you than without you. Once you've very closely bonded and intimate again, you can begin to approach what you've identified as the reasons that the is stale. However, most people find that since they've done the work to reconnect, those "big issues" just don't seem quite as important anymore.

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Further Reading:

My Husband Cheated On Me While I Was Pregnant

Loneliness In An Unhappy Marriage

My Marriage Is On The Brink Of Divorce

My Husband Talks To Everyone Except Me

My Husband Treats Me Bad But I Still Love Him