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My husband is critical and negative - How to deal with a negative and critical husband.
When you are first in love, everything is great and rosy. It is all about us, not you and me. But after a while the ego begins to creep back in. You begin to notice his/her faults, and will call attention to them. Your partner in return also will begin to call attention to your faults. In this way the vicious circle begins.
What is your reaction to being criticized? You will defend yourself, of course. And you will defend in a tone of voice that is less than pleasant. You partner will then reinforce the criticism in a very emphatic manner, and if you do not shut up a fight will ensue. Exactly the same thing will happen when you decide to criticize your partner.
All criticism is the result of projection, that is, you project an unfavorable image onto the other person and attacks it. So when you are criticized know that it is an image that is being attacked and not you. The thing to do is let it slide. If it is a misunderstanding then explain in a cool and calm manner. As if it does not matter. If the explanation is not accepted (more often than not) then let it go at that. Yes, it does not matter!
When you want to criticize another person you must realize if it is something in you that you do not like and is seeing it in another person. If it is something that needs to be point out then point it out. There is a difference in pointing out something and criticizing. It is in you intent which your tone of voice will reflect. Practice and know the difference.
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Relationships have challenges and require some work from both parties to enjoy success. Part of being in an honest and openly communicative relationship may be "truth spoken in love" or criticism that is designed to be constructive and ultimately supportive of your goals and aims. However, if your partner picks at you constantly, making you feel incompetent, inferior, or even crazy on a regular basis, this can become a toxic scenario that is very damaging. Here are 3 strategies for successfully resisting assimilating continuous criticism from your partner:
Be aware that your partner may be seeking to "program" you into thinking that what he or she says is the gospel truth. If you look at your partner as having an agenda to dominate or control you by creating your reality, this may help you keep some of what you are hearing in perspective.
Spend as much time around the other people who know and love you as possible. Listen to their perspectives on you - chances are they are far more positive. Think of your support network as being your "reprogrammers." Allow their words of encouragement and affirmation to sink in.
Resist engaging with your partner and defending yourself during an episode of criticism. If your partner accuses you of being "too sensitive," shrug it off or say "okay." It is all right to be sensitive. If your partner is critical of the way you do the dishes, or fold laundry, or do any mundane activity, say "okay" and remind yourself that there are many ways to competently do things. If the criticism becomes too excessive, you can simply repeat a nonsense phrase over and over in your head while your partner is talking, like "lalalala."
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.
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Who are you?
Whether you are crossing a border, a town, or just crossing the street, the foremost question on any person's mind when they come in contact with you is "Who are you?". They want to know who you are so they can know how to interact with the person now before them. If you are a policeman they will respond to you differently than if you are a salesman. If you're a lawyer, you may not get the same conversation as a farmer or a preacher. How you interact with others is in large part related to who you are.
The question doesn't really have to be just on the surface to be of great significance. If you want your marriage to take a different path than it is on now, you really need to internalize that question. The way you respond to that question to yourself can make all the difference in the world to your relationships.
Who are you?
If your answer to yourself is that you are a teacher, jet pilot, or accountant, then your focus is going to be on the things that make you successful in that field of expertise. You are likely to see those things as primarily important to how you spend not only your time and physical energies, but also how you spend your emotional energy. Of course, it is vitally important that you spend a great deal of effort in your occupation and improving yourself in your chosen trade. However, if you want to improve the likelihood of success in your marriage I would challenge you to take a slightly different approach.
How would it change your focus and priorities in life if you really believed you were first and foremost a child and servant of God? Would it make a difference in the way you treated those you interact with each day? Would it make a difference in the way you treat your spouse and children? I think it would if you followed his example of love and forgiveness.
How would it change your marriage if you answered "Who are you?" with "I am a loving spouse!"? Well, if it were just empty words, then it probably wouldn't make much difference at all. But if you put the same energy and commitment into making that true that you might put into your job, then it could make a world of difference.
If you make your relationships the cornerstone of your existence, then that is what will define you and that is what you will excel at. Too often in our society people put their occupations before anything else. They let their job or even sometimes their hobby define who they are. They are so caught up in chasing the dream of a bigger boat or a nicer car or a more powerful position, that they don't have the time or energy to invest significantly in their relationships. The result is broken homes, neglected spouses, and depressed children.
Don't let that happen to you and your family. Put as much study into learning how to be a better spouse as you would put into learning how to be a better teacher. Hone your skills as a loving partner just as you would to improve your abilities as a jet pilot. Pay attention to the details in making your marriage better just as an accountant would labor over the numbers in a ledger.
You see, a better marriage really does start in the mind first. You can't change who your spouse is but you can make up your mind to improve youself. Start by honestly answering the question "Who are you?".
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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your marriage can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage - Learn More Here
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Further Reading:
My Wife Doesn’t Want to Make Love
Wife No Longer Interested In Intimacy
My Wife Walked Away From Marriage
Feeling Lost and Alone In Marriage
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