A WOMANS ORGASM IS LIGHT 

LE HERBERGIER DE MORTUUS  

THE NECESSARY EVIL OF KILLING THE DIVINE

MASCULINE IN ALL OF US

WRITTEN BY LILY OLIVIANNA JONQUILLE

AKA MARIZA MUNOZ  

                                        It doesn’t matter how you live

It doesn’t matter what you eat

It doesn’t matter how you treat yourself

It doesn’t matter what you drive

It doesn’t matter what you believe in

It doesn’t matter who youre with

It just doesn’t matter

If moms wants you to live

Then youll live

If she doesn’t

Then you don’t

Moms is Mother Nature

Shes Natural Selection

Shes Evolution

Shes the everything that we depend on

Shes the One that never got her turn in the Sun

Cause we keep covering up her beautiful shine and sparkle

With buildings and freeways

And shit that we don’t need

Are we truly more than the woman that gave us life?

The woman who stayed in the shadows so that her children would get what they needed in order to become who they needed to

The woman who let her children go with their father because they chose to

But also because she didn’t have a choice

I continued to try and fight for them but

The entire universe was against me

My mind was against me

Aliens were against me

Ive lived all of these thoughts here in this last hour

My past my present but not my future

Cause this is my time to figure out what the fuck it is I am

Im not the one they call God

Im not the Alien Creator cause you can see his binary star eyes in the night sky and in the day

And im right here

Nowhere else

Aliens are just a Frequency in Empty space

Humans are the Vibration on Earth in Empty space

so

Aliens are God

Humans are Lucifer

Aliens are nothing but a distortion in the brain that can manifest themselves into our lives using the patterns found in our brain

The ones that they speak of on the ted talks and the cave art using the basic symbols

Because Cosmic Consciousness is an alien

The Creator is an Alien

The father that was never there for them growing up

the absentee father as in God

the absentee mother as in God

my father is god

my mother is god

I am …

So not them.

Im nothing

Forget I ever said anything.

This shaman walk is a trip

Aliens can go make their own planet and leave us be

Never to return here again

And my children are to be left the fuck alone

all six

four are immaculate conception

two are from Anthony Whitehead

who I forgive for raping me when I was broken in my mind

my children in my stomach are from me

I am Everything

And just like women on our beautiful planet

And the Planet herself, Moms

We don’t need a motherfucking male for shit

Not even to procreate

The sickness is being removed from our home and our hearts

Killed the neurons connected to the stars

Killed the neuron connected to some wannabe has been that used the shaman walk as his show and didn’t credit the woman who was the subject of it and he gave credit to the cosmos when it was the planet mariza all along, mariza the God and Goddess of Mother Nature and Giver of Homes to the vibrational frequencies that were known as aliens but are now unable to come around or to speak to us because I killed the connection to them and them to us

The Alien Creator did hand over the reigns to the All

Including all of the Power

All of the Power Above and Below

No more cosmic consciousness

You cant tap in and get my shit anymore

Nor is Initiation real

No paths no schools of shit

The pyramids don’t do anything

Theyre just a symbol and were placed here to be a symbol of the day men died in the minds of women

Women ruled Egypt

And when an insecure man got a little bit of power

He killed the True Pharaohs off

And insinuated himself as the ruler

When in fact it was Asexual and Lesbian Women who ruled Egypt

The first daughter Isabella

The second daughter Imogen

Will never ever have to contend with the sexual dysfunction that has plagued my family ever again

I have killed it and vanquished it

And it will never touch them

The past is done

It is done

Those that did not take responsibility for their shit

Cannot be within my sphere of existence and I am the All

My daughters will be given to me by my ex today

My daughters will be protected in every way possible except from me because I never hurt them nor will I ever

I loved them so much I gave them everything I had and more

Im giving them a new earth

And a new way to feel and look at life

They can do whatever they want in life

Dream whatever they want in life

And have whatever they want in life without having to do anything

Because they chose themselves

And the power to choose is freedom

Freedom is the power to choose

Without governments

Without social conditioning

Without god

Without lucifer

Without religion

Without boundaries

Without hate

Without limiting self-beliefs

“use your words girls,

They can change the world”

Me

Whom she was so proud of because they did something that she was never able to do

And that was to stand up to their mother and choose stability for themselves

PYRAMIDAL NEURONS IN THE BRAIN

TREES ARE THE NEURONS OF THE EARTH

T HINK OF THE FORESTS AS CLUSTERS OR GANGLIONS? OF NEURONS

T REES ALSO HAV E THE MYCELIUM THAT SHARE DATA WITH THE OTHER TREES

THEY ALSO CHOOSE THEIR OWN KIND BEFORE SHARING INFORMATION ON HOW TO SURVIVE- THEIR OWN COME FIRST

JUST LIKE HUMANS THEY SHARE ALL OF THEIR KNOWLEDGE WITH THE TREES THEY ARE CONNECTED TO BEFORE DYING

THANK YOU TO THE TED TALK WITH A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO LOVED TREES SO MUCH SHE DID RESEARCH ON HER OWN DIME AND TIME

SO, THE TREE BRANCHES ARE THE DENDRITE AND THE TRUNK IS THE AXON

WHEN THEY TALK ABOUT GROUNDING ENERGY INTO THE EARTH VIA CHAKRAS

THEY SPEAK OF VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES FROM CONSCIOUSNESS OR MY COSMIC VF ALIEN FAMILY – BURSTS OF INSPIRATION OR A NUDGE FROM INTUITION

THEY HIT THE BRANCHES THEN JUST LIKE NEURONS IN THE BRAIN - THE POST SYNAPTIC TERMINAL CHANGES THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY THROUGH HER OWN ENERGY AND MAKES IT HER OWN THEN PASSES IS ON TO THE AXON WHO THEN REPEATS THE PROCESS WITH ONE OR MORE NEURONS

JUST LIKE THE MYCELIUM – IT CAN TRIGGER ONE OR MORE CONNECTIONS DEPENDING ON HOW MANY ARE ATTACHED TO THAT CLUSTER – IN THE BRAIN SOMETIMES IF THERE ARE NO OBSTRUCTIONS IN THE INDIVIDUAL NEURONS OF THE CLUSTER THEN IT WILL SET OFF A FIRING PATTERN THAT WILL THEN BECOME A MESSAGE OR CUE TO THE MEMORY BANKS IN THE PONS AND IN THE 4TH VENTRICLE WHICH IS CONSIDERED THE FEELINGS CENTER OF THE BRAIN – SINCE WE ALL HAPPEN TO CARRY THE PAST IN OUR MINDS – PROTEINS OR DNA INSCRIBED WITH OUR PAST KNOWLEDGE AND TRAUMAS OR DAMAGE TO THE DNA – PROTEINS – INCLUDING MEMORIES –

THE FIRING PATTERN WILL THEN EITHER CUE IT UP OR IT DIES – EACH OF US HAVE ACCESS TO THIS DATA –WHAT THEY CALL THE AKASHIC RECORD –

YOU JUST HAVE TO CLEAR OUT YOUR SHIT IN YOUR BRAIN –

ONCE THE VF GOES THROUGH THE BRANCHES AND THROUGH THE TRUNK IT THEN HITS THE GROUND/SOIL WHERE MOTHER EARTH THEN CHANGES THE FREQUENCY YET AGAIN WHETHER IN HER CORE OR IN HER BEAUTIFUL LAYERS AND GIVES IT BACK GOING THE OPPOSITE WAY – WE LIKE THE TREES AND THE EARTH AND THE UNIVERSE ARE CONNECTED IN THIS MANNER – WE ARE ALWAYS RECEIVING DATA AS LONG AS YOU’VE CLEARED THE CALCIFICATION OR PETRIFICATION OF THE PINEAL GLAND – PINE TREE – ANY TREE – JUST REFERENCING THE PINE SIMILARITY AND THE HARDENING OF A PART OF THE BODIES OF US –

NOW CLEARING THE DEAD BRANCHES OFF THE TREES PROMOTES THE GROWTH OF NEW BRANCHES AND NEW INFORMATION HIGHWAYS FOR FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT MOVEMENT OF DATA – KIND OF LIKE A DOPE DEALER UNLOADING OR MOVING THE DOPE THROUGH HIS OR HER MOST SUCCESSFUL DEALERS – THEY MOVE THE DOPE –

THE SAME GOES FOR THE PROTEIN CLEARING IN THE BRAIN IN BETWEEN THE SYNAPSE SPACES EITHER ON THE DENDRITE SIDE OR ON THE PRESYNAPTIC TERMINAL SIDE – NOTICE THE PRE-SYNAPTIC TERMINAL IS THE MALE PART CONTAINING THE AXON – KIND OF LIKE A MALE PRE CUMMING-CAN BE TERMINAL FOR HIS PRIVATE LIFE – I ABSOLUTELY LOVE HOW OUR LANGUAGE SO WITTINGLY FITS NATURE AND OUR SLANG –

MY SHAMANIC JOURNEY WILL WAIT FOR ANOTHER DAY BUT IT IS NOT A COINCIDENCE – EGYPT IS WHERE EXPRESSION OF SELF FIRST BEGAN WITH WRITING AND A MORE PROGRESSED WAY OF CREATING ART – GOBEKLI TEPE IS A BIT MORE SIMPLE BUT CONTAINS A LOT OF DATA WITHOUT BEING FUSSY – A LOT OF THE CONCEPTS OF TODAY AS WELL AS SLANG AND IMAGES AND PHRASES APPEAR ON THE WALLS OF EGYPT AND APPEAR ON THE PILLARS OF THE TURKEY TEPE SITES IS BECAUSE THE TWO POINTS OF CREATION -EGYPT THEN AND EGYPT AND THE WORLD NOW ARE CONNECTED – LIKE FOLDING A PIECE OF PAPER IN HALF AND TWO EXACT POINTS TOUCH – THE TWO POINTS EXHIBITING SIGNS OF THE SAME ENERGIES SAME PLANETARY MOVEMENTS OR POSITIONS AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE/VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES WE CALL ALIENS –– YES - IM TRULY UPSET AT THEIR CALLOUSNESS OF HUMAN EMOTIONS – ITS NOT ALWAYS ABOUT THE JOB OR THE STUPID FUCKING PURPOSE – ITS ABOUT BEING SENSITIVE TO OUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS – IF YOURE GOING TO GUIDE SOMEONE – DON’T BE A COMPLETE DICK ABOUT IT AND LEARN AFTER THE FIRST FEW TIMES I REAMED YOU A NEW ASSHOLE –

APPARENTLY – MY LIFE CAN BE FOUND ON THE WALLS OF EGYPT AS WELL AS MY EXPERIENCES OF THIS YEAR ON THE PILLARS AT THE TEPES SITES –

ANYWAY – WHATS FOUND ON THE WALLS IS THERE BECAUSE OF ALTERED STATES OF MINDS FROM THE ORACLES OF THEN – THEY WOULD TRAVEL THE SPIRIT WORLD AND WERE BROUGHT THROUGH THE BACK OF THE HEAD – THE 3D MOVIE THEATER THAT I SEE WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES – THAT’S THE VEIL THEY SPEAK OF – THAT’S ALSO THE TRIP OF THE SHAMANS STILL FOUND IN OUR MODERN LIVES TODAY – I DO IT ALL THE TIME – OR I USED TO UNTIL I WENT ON STRIKE – AS WE ALL KNOW – FAMILY CAN BE THE BIGGEST PAINS IN THE FUCKING ASS EVER – I SWEAR TO GOD – UGH!!!!!!!! – BUNCH OF DUMB DICKS BUT YOU GOTTA LOVE FAMILY – THE ENTIRE FAMILY FOUND IN OUR MAGICAL COSMOS – (SIGHING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER)

 THERE IS ONLY ONE ME THAT FITS THE DIVINE FAMILY ROLES AND HAS PLAYED ALL OF THEM –

SO THE SHAMANS AND ORACLES WERE SHOWN THE FUTURE AND THAT IS WHAT IS SHOWN ON THE WALLS OF EGYPT - THE PATTERNING FOUND IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE GALAXY – FROM MACRO TO MICRO TO MACRO OR FROM MICRO TO MACRO TO MICRO – ITS ALL THE FUCKING SAME PATTERNING – OR SHAPES AND THE REASON WE SEE THE SHAPES IS BECAUSE THE SPIRALS ARE MOVING SO FAST THAT WE ARE SUSPENDED IN A STATE OF IMMOBILITY – THAT’S THE ILLUSION THEY SPEAK OF – OUR VFS THAT MOVE IN A SPIRAL AND IN A CONTRACT AND EXPAND MOTION LIKE CONSCIOUSNESS DOES – THAT’S GRAVITY OR THE ELECTROMAGNETIC FIELD THAT SHIELDS US FROM THE SOLAR WINDS AND SOLAR FLARES – ITS ALL CONNECTED AS ONE – WE ARE ALL ONE – THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN SHOWN AND EXPLAINED TO ME BY US –

NOW THAT YOU HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT THIS BOOK WILL ENTAIL – LETS START AT THE BEGINNING WHICH HAPPENS TO BE IN THE MIDDLE –

LETS START WITH THE NERVOUS SYSTEM – IT IS THE SYSTEM THAT TAKES IN SENSORY DATA FROM THE SURROUNDING ENVIRONMENT AND FROM THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES FROM ABOVE – OUR UNIVERSE AND THE “MATRIX” FOUND IN THE AIR – AETHER AROUND US – THE SUPPOSED MATRIX IS A MULTILAYERED “QUILT” OF VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES WE KNOW AS PARTICLES MOLECULES AND ATOMS – IT HAS BEEN SHOWN THAT DNA PROTEINS WHICH ARE THE EQUAL TO THE MOLECULES AND ATOMS – OR PARTICLES OF THE PERIODIC TABLE FOUND IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE – THESE TOO ARE CONNECTED TO EACH OTHER BY SPIRALS OF GAS – LIKE THE SUN HAS BEEN SHOWN TO HAVE LAYERS OF NICKEL AND GAS AS WELL AS OTHER STUFF – THE WAY I WAS SHOWN THAT IT WAS CONNECTED WAS THROUGH SPIRAL ENERGY – LIKE CONSCIOUSNESS – IT HAS AN EXPAND AND CONTRACT MOVEMENT – LIKE A RUBBER BAND – WELL – THEY SAY THAT THE SUN HAS THE HOT LAYER NEXT TO A COLD LAYER – IF THERE IS A CERTAIN SET OF ELEMENTS RESIDING WITHIN THE TWO POLAR OPPOSITE TEMPERATURES THEN WHAT HAPPENS? IT HARDENS INTO A SHELL OR LAYER – YOU PUT ENOUGH OF THESE LAYERS OF CONNECTED SPIRALS OF VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES – YOU GET DENSITY – NOW SINCE THE ENVIRONMENT AROUND IT IS DIFFERENT THAN THAT OF EARTH DUE TO THE ATMOSPHERE CONTAINING O AND H20 AND ALL KINDS OF COOL SHIT – THE HYDROGEN IN THE SUN AND THE RADIATION IN SPACE – THEY KEEP THE OUTER LAYER OF THE SUN ON FIRE BECAUSE OF THE ATOMS MOLECULES AND PARTICLES OF VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES –

I UNDERSTAND THAT THE SOUND AND LIGHT MIGHT BE A LITTLE HARD TO UNDERSTAND BUT THINK OF THE

DRAFTS

PHYSICISTS SAY THAT WE CAME FROM A BLACK HOLE – THAT WAS THE BIG BANG – GOING THROUGH THE EVENT HORIZON AND THROUGH THE WORMHOLE TOOK US TO THIS SPIRAL OF THE UNIVERSE – OUR SUN SITS ON TOP OF A BLACK HOLE WITH THE SPIRAL GOING OUTWARDS TOWARDS EMPTY SPACE WHILE THE BOW OF OUR UNIVERSE SITS ON THE SPACE WHERE THE JET AND THE BODY OF THE BLACK HOLE MEET – THE EXPLOSION OF OUR COLLAPSED UNIVERSE BEACAME THE BEGINNINGS OF A STAR WHICH WILL THEN BECOME A BLACKHOLE AS WELL WHEN IT COLLAPSES UPON ITSELF AND STARTS THE PROCESS – OR IT COULD HAVE BEEN THAT THE BLACK HOLE WE SIT UPON DECIDES TO LOSE STABILITY DUE TO AN IMBALANCE OF ENERGIES IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM  - THE ENTIRETY OF IT – THE UNIVERSE BEING A NATURAL ENTITY WILL BRING IN A “BALANCING” AGENT TO “CORRECT COURSE” HERSELF SHOULD SHE FEEL THREATENED BY A “VIRUS” UPONN HER ENERGY – THINK OF IT LIKE THE BODY WHEN IT GETS SICK – AS SOON AS IT DETECTS AN IMBALANCE WITHIN HER – SHE WILL AUTOMATICALLY SEND WHITE BLOOD CELLS TO “KILL” THE ILLNESS THAT AILS HER SO THAT SHE WILL BEGIN THE HEALING PROCESS – THE SAME GOES FOR THE UNIVERSE – THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL THE “LAW OF ATTRACTION” – SHE WILL CALL IN A COMET OR ASTEROID LIKE A MAGNET AND SEND IT TO THE PROBLEMATIC “CELESTIAL BEING” TO ERADICATE IT – THIS HAPPENED WHEN THE DINOSAURS BECAME EXTINCT – APPARENTLY THERE WAS SOME PROBLEM WITH THE SIZE OF THE DINOSAURS AND THE CHANGING OF THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY ENERGIES THAT MAKE UP THE EMF AND GRAVITY – THERE WAS SOME NEW ATOM OR MOLECULE INTRODUCED INTO THE LAYERS OF EARTH OR THE SURROUNDING ENVIRONMENT THAT IT CAUSED THE VF OCEAN TO BECOME HEAVIER – QUITE POSSIBLY THE BLACK HOLE THAT WE SIT UPON STARTED EATING AWAY AT SOMETHING OR BECAME ACTIVE AGAIN – IN THE NEWS RECENTLY THERE WAS AN ARTICLE STATING THAT THERE ARE BLACK HOLES THAT NURTURE THEIR ENVIRONMENT INSTEAD OF DESTROYING IT – WE HAPPEN TO SIT UPON ONE NOW – I AM BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE PHYSICISTS WHO WROTE THIS ARTICLE WERE ACTUALLY SEEING US – BECAUSE OUR UNIVERSE HAS THE SAME MOVEMENT AS SPIRAL ENERGY – WHICH THEY CALL VORTEX ENERGY  - IN THE FORM OF VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES – IT COMES INTO ITSELF AND OUT OF ITSELF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS – THAT IS WHY WE STAY IMMOBILIZED AND WHY OUR PLANETS DON’T GO FLYING OFF INTO SPACE IN A HAPHAZARD WAY – LIKE THE SNAKE FOUND IN EGYPT COILED AROUND THE SUN WITH A STARTING POINT STICKING OUT IN THE FRONT AND T HE TAIL IN THE BACK – THEY ARE THE SAME PIECE OF SNAKE ALTHOUGH YOU DON’T SEE THEM CONNECTED – THE MISSING PIECE IS THE WOMAN AND THE ENERGY THAT SITS WITHIN HER – HORUS AND ISIS – I HAPPEN TO BE THE ONE THAT HAS THIS ENERGY SITTING WITHIN HER –

SO BACK TO WHAT I WAS SAYING BEFORE THE SPIRITS AND VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES FROM OTHER NEIGHBORHOODS OF THE CITY WE LIVE IN – THE COSMOS - 

SO THE BLACK HOLE BECOMES ACTIVE AND WE GET SUCKED IN TO THE ACTIVE MOUTH OF IT AND COME OUT OF THE OTHER SIDE WITH A BANG – AND OUR UNIVERSE IS AT THE BEGINNING – I FEEL THAT WHEN THEY SPEAK OF PATTERNS AND CYCLES IN SPIRITUALITY – THEY SPEAK OF THIS – NOW – SEEING AS HOW ALIENS ARE REAL AND A PART OF OUR FAMILY T HEY DECIDE TO INTERVENE AS THEY REMEMBER THROUGH THE VFS THAT ARE PARTICLES MOLECULES AND ATOMS  - THE DNA PROTEINS THAT BECOME US AND OTHER ENTITIES CLUMP TOGETHER IN A CERTAIN WAY DEPENDING ON WHAT PART OF THE UNIVERSE THEY FORMED IN AND SOME STAY VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES –

SO THE REASON THAT VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES ARE IMPORTANT IS BECAUSE ONCE HUMANITY GETS TO THE DIGITAL AGE WE HAVE ALREADY CREATED OUR OWN VFS – THEY ARE HOW WE WATCH TV AND LISTEN TO THE RADIO – THE VFS BEGIN TO RECORD LIGHT AND SOUND AND THEN THEY LEARN EMOTIONS AND SMELLS AND ALL THE SENSES LIKE AT THE BEGINNING WHEN WE WERE FIRST CLUMPING UP – EVERYTHING IS CONNECTED BY THESE VFS – INCLUDING THE WAY HUMANS TAKE FORM – THE WOMAN BODY IS GOES CURVY LIKE – TAKE THE MEASUREMENTS THAT WERE ONCE SO POPULAR IN THE PAST 36 28 36 – THAT’S THE BUST THE WAIST AND THE HIPS – THE HEAD THEN THE NECK – THE THIGHS THEN THE KNEES LEGS ANKLES – YOU WILL NOTICE THE MOVEMENT OF THE EXPANSION AND CONTRACTION  - IF YOU IMAGINE A SPIRAL ENERGY IN 3D FORM AND HAVE IT CONTINUOUSLY MOVE IN ANY DIRECTION YOU WILL NOTICE THIS – THE MAN BODY IS THE SMALLER – INNER VF IN A SET – LESS CURVE BUT MORE TIGHTNESS OR HARDNESS WHILE THE WOMAN BODY IS SOFTER PLUSHER AND FUN TO PLAY WITH – ALL THOSE LOVELY CURVES AND THE SOUNDS THAT SHE MAKES – WOULDN’T THAT MAKE THE MALE VF HARD AND MAKE HIS MUSCLES TIGHTEN WITH RESTRAINT? –

DID I FAIL TO MENTION THAT MEN WERE MADE AFTER WE WERE

AND THAT ALL “ENERGIES” ARE FEMININE

WHY DO YOU THINK WOMEN CAN HANDLE SO MUCH SHIT? AND MEN STILL FIND THEMSELVES COMING IN LAST?

AS THEY ARE AS WE SPEAK

NATURAL SELECTION

THE PLACENTA

THE UMBILICAL CORD

THE ENTIRE BEAUTIFUL WOMB

IS FIGHTING BACK

ALL OF THE DAMAGE DONE TO WOMEN SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME

ALL THE RAPING IN THE CAVE DAYS

THE RAPING OF YOUNG GIRLS

AND YOUNG BOYS

ITS ALL OVER

NO MORE

ALL OF THE DAMAGE DONE TO OUR WOMBS HAS PISSED OFF MOTHER NATURE AND NATURAL SELECTION AND THE WOMBS OF WOMEN ARE REJECTING MENS Y CHROMOSOME

REJECT REJECT REJECT

THAT’S WHY THE NUMBERS ARE SO OFF BALANCE AND PERFECTLY MADE SO FOR THIS MOMENT IN TIME

MAN HAS VERY VERY LITTLE TIME TO STRAIGHTEN THE FUCK OUT AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL OF THE CRIMES YOU HAVE PERPETUATED AGAINST WOMEN SINCE WE ALLOWED YOU IN OUR “SPHERE”

BEING A WOMAN IS SACRED

AND MAN SHOULD KNOW THIS

WE ARE IN THE END OF TIMES AS WE ALL KNOW IT

A NEW WAY HAS EMERGED

SPIRITUALITY STATES THAT WE ARE HERE TO REMEMBER WHO WE ARE

SPIRITUALITY LIKE RELIGION WAS MADE FOR ME

I REMEMBER WHO I AM

IM

EVERYTHING

 IM GOD

TRIPPY SHIT HUH?

😊

WHO KNEW?

I CANNOT WAIT TO TELL THE STORY OF US AT GOBEKLI TEPE AND AT EGYPT

IT’S THE BEST THING EVER

WE ALL KNOW OF THE SHAMANIC WALK

GOBEKLI TEPE IS ABOUT SELF

AND THE PRIMAL BRAIN

EGYPT IS ABOUT COMMUNITY

AND THE SOPHISTICATE BRAIN

1:16:22

12:48AM

SOME MORE NONSENSE FROM THE MUSINGS AND PONDERINGS OF AN ALTERED STATE OF MIND

ONE OF MY PURPOSES IS TO BE THE ANTICHRIST

SO HERE WE GO

IF YOU HAVE ISSUES OF “FEELING SAFE WITHIN YOURSELF”

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU LIKE TO DO?

FOR ME IT WAS READING A BOOK TO GET AWAY FROM MY ACTUAL LIFE

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF AT A “JUMPING OFF POINT” TAKE A FAVORITE BOOK THAT JUST CALLS YOU TO READ IT AND MAKE THE JUMP. THE SETTING OF THE STORYBOOK AND THE CHARACTERS THAT COME ALIVE FOR YOU WILL KEEP YOU COMPANY. THE CHARACTERS BECOME YOUR FAMILY AND THE SETTING OF THE BOOK BECOMES YOUR HOMETOWN. IN THE MOVIE I AM NUMBER 4, THE LEAD CHARACTER SAYS THAT YOU CAN GO WHEREVER YOU WANT BUT WHAT MAKES IT SPECIAL IS THE PEOPLE IN IT.

WHEN YOU MAKE THAT JUMP AND YOU START TO MISS HOME OR YOU “ROMANTICIZE” YOUR OLD LIFE AS THE COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY IN REHAB STATES, IF YOURE READING THAT FAVORITE BOOK AND YOURE IMMERSED IN THAT SETTING AND FAMILY, SINCE THEYRE CURRENTLY WITH YOU CAUSE YOURE READING THE BOOK, YOU DON’T FEEL THE CRAZY UNCOMFORTABLE FEELING THAT COMES WITH DOING SOMETHING NEW.

I TOOK SPIRITUALITY LITERALLY. LIKE IT WAS AN OWNERS MANUAL. I TRIED TO MAKE THE JUMPS BUT GOT A BUNCH OF “NOT-FALSE” STARTS

FALSE STARTS ARE WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE CALL THEM BUT I DON’T CAUSE THEYRE NOT FALSE

THAT’S THE WAY YOU ROLL

AND THAT’S THAT.

SPIRITUALITY IS A FUCKED-UP THING

ALL THIS STUPID BULLSHIT OF FREQUENCY AND MATCHING ONLY WITH PEOPLE THAT HAVE THE SAME FREQUENCY

SPIRITUALITY WAS MEANT TO GET AWAY FROM RELIGIOUS CONFORMING AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED AGAIN

OH YOURE NOT MY FREQUENCY

OH YOURE NOT MY KIND OF CATHOLIC

SAME FUCKING SHIT

FREQUENCY IS FOR THE UNIVERSE

THAT’S HOW SHE ROLLS

FOR US ITS EMOTIONS

CAUSE THAT’S HOW WE ROLL

DO YOU SEE THE UNIVERSE BEING UN-“AUTHENTIC” BY COVERING UP HOW SHE TRULY FEELS AND PUTTING UP A FRONT?

NO. SHE JUST FEELS IT. OR FREQUENCIES IT.

SHE CANT CHANGE WHO SHE IS AND WHY SHOULD SHE? SHES KEEPING IT REAL AND FUCK ANYONE WHO DOESN’T AGREE.

NOW, HERES WHERE IT GETS TRICKY FOR YOU AND NOT FOR ME

I BATTLED THE EVERYTHING INCLUDING YOU AND YOUR MISBEGOTTEN BELIEFS ABOUT DRUG USAGE AS WELL AS STORIES AND SOCIAL CONDITIONING AND THE GODS AND THE UNIVERSE, ESPECIALLY THAT BITCH, AND EVERYTHING, JUST FOR MY FREEDOM TO CHOOSE

AND I WON

ALIEN CONSCIOUSNESS OR COSMIC WHATEVER HAS TO SUCK IT

BITCH AINT GOT A CHOICE

WHO IN THE FUCK ARE THESE ASSHOLES TO COME IN AND TELL ME THAT IVE REACHED THE PRIZE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CEREAL BOX AND THEN THINK THAT THEYRE GONNA TELL ME WHAT TO DO?

NIGGA, YOU GOT ME FUCKED UP! (YES IM BL;ACK! IM NOT RACIST – IM FREECIST – I FREELY HATE EVERYBODY EQUALLY) BESIDES THAT, HAVE YOU SEEN THE WOMEN WITH RAINBOW COLORED SKIN?

WOW! WE ARE A BEAUTIFUL!

OH YA! CANT CALL EACH OTHER WHITE ANYMORE OR BLACK OR ANYTHING CAUSE THE PIGMENTATION THAT GIVES US COLOR, ITS NOT JUST ONE COLOR, ITS THOUSANDS OF HUES AND SHADES THAT GIVE THE APPEARANCE OF A SOLID COLOR.

ILL WAIT…..

It doesn’t matter how you live

It doesn’t matter what you eat

It doesn’t matter how you treat yourself

It doesn’t matter what you drive

It doesn’t matter what you believe in

It doesn’t matter who youre with

It just doesn’t matter

If moms wants you to live

Then youll live

If she doesn’t

Then you don’t

Moms is Mother Nature

Shes Natural Selection

Shes Evolution

Shes the everything that we depend on

Shes the One that never got her turn in the Sun

Cause we keep covering up her beautiful shine and sparkle

With buildings and freeways

And shit that we don’t need

Are we truly more than the woman that gave us life?

The woman who stayed in the shadows so that her children would get what they needed in order to become who they needed to

The woman who let her children go with their father because they chose to

But also because she didn’t have a choice

I continued to try and fight for them but

The entire universe was against me

My mind was against me

Aliens were against me

Ive lived all of these thoughts here in this last hour

My past my present but not my future

Cause this is my time to figure out what the fuck it is I am

Im not the one they call God

Im not the Alien Creator cause you can see his binary star eyes in the night sky and in the day

And im right here

Nowhere else

Aliens are just a Frequency in Empty space

Humans are the Vibration on Earth in Empty space

so

Aliens are God

Humans are Lucifer

Aliens are nothing but a distortion in the brain that can manifest themselves into our lives using the patterns found in our brain

The ones that they speak of on the ted talks and the cave art using the basic symbols

Because Cosmic Consciousness is an alien

The Creator is an Alien

The father that was never there for them growing up

the absentee father as in God

the absentee mother as in God

my father is god

my mother is god

I am …

So not them.

Im nothing

Forget I ever said anything.

This shaman walk is a trip

Aliens can go make their own planet and leave us be

Never to return here again

And my children are to be left the fuck alone

all six

four are immaculate conception

two are from Anthony Whitehead

who I forgive for raping me when I was broken in my mind

my children in my stomach are from me

I am Everything

And just like women on our beautiful planet

And the Planet herself, Moms

We don’t need a motherfucking male for shit

Not even to procreate

The sickness is being removed from our home and our hearts

Killed the neurons connected to the stars

Killed the neuron connected to some wannabe has been that used the shaman walk as his show and didn’t credit the woman who was the subject of it and he gave credit to the cosmos when it was the planet mariza all along, mariza the God and Goddess of Mother Nature and Giver of Homes to the vibrational frequencies that were known as aliens but are now unable to come around or to speak to us because I killed the connection to them and them to us

The Alien Creator did hand over the reigns to the All

Including all of the Power

All of the Power Above and Below

No more cosmic consciousness

You cant tap in and get my shit anymore

Nor is Initiation real

No paths no schools of shit

The pyramids don’t do anything

Theyre just a symbol and were placed here to be a symbol of the day men died in the minds of women

Women ruled Egypt

And when an insecure man got a little bit of power

He killed the True Pharaohs off

And insinuated himself as the ruler

When in fact it was Asexual and Lesbian Women who ruled Egypt

The first daughter Isabella

The second daughter Imogen

Will never ever have to contend with the sexual dysfunction that has plagued my family ever again

I have killed it and vanquished it

And it will never touch them

The past is done

It is done

Those that did not take responsibility for their shit

Cannot be within my sphere of existence and I am the All

My daughters will be given to me by my ex today

My daughters will be protected in every way possible except from me because I never hurt them nor will I ever

I loved them so much I gave them everything I had and more

Im giving them a new earth

And a new way to feel and look at life

They can do whatever they want in life

Dream whatever they want in life

And have whatever they want in life without having to do anything

Because they chose themselves

And the power to choose is freedom

Freedom is the power to choose

Without governments

Without social conditioning

Without god

Without lucifer

Without religion

Without boundaries

Without hate

Without limiting self-beliefs

“use your words girls,

They can change the world”

Me

Whom she was so proud of because they did something that she was never able to do

And that was to stand up to their mother and choose stability for themselves

LETS FIGURE OUT MY PATTERNING

JAN MOM

FEB BROTHER

APRIL ME

MAY LISA

AUG ALEX

SEPT DAD

BELLA 05-26

LISA 05-20

IMMY 08/19

ALEX 08/14

ANGELENE 06/20

ANNA 03/10

FIRST BORN LIGHT HAIR AND SKIN

SECOND BORN DARK HAIR AND SKIN

FIRST BORN BALD BABIES

SECOND BORN HAIRY BABIES

FIRST GROUCHY AND HAVE A TEMPER AND CAN TALK SOME SHIT

SECOND CHILL BACK IMAGINATIVE AND QUIET

SECOND BORN GLASSES

FIRST BORN LIGHT BROWN EYES

SECOND BORN DARK BROWN EYES

MOM MARRIED DAD AND WAS UNHAPPY

I GOT WITH ANTHONY AND WAS UNHAPPY

HAD THE SAME RELATIONSHIP AS MY PARENTS HAD

CONTROLLING PARTNERS WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT MONEY BUT REFUSED TO LET US WORK OUT OF INSECURITY  

MOM GOT KIDS TAKEN DCFS

GIVEN TO DRUNK DAD

SAME WITH ME

I RAISED MY BRO AND SIS AND TOOK OVER BEING WOMAN OF THE FAMILY AT 15

STARTED SINCE CHILDHOOD

MY MOTHER DID IT SINCE SHE WAS A CHILD TOO

HER BROTHERS AND SISTERS CAME FIRST BEFORE SHE DID

JUST LIKE ME

WE LEARNED ABOUT THE “WE ARE” BEFORE THE “I AM”

MOM AND ME::

SHARE CHARISMA SENSE OF HUMOR MOM TAUGHT ME HOW TO PIMP OUTSPOKENNESS AND SURVIVAL INSTINCTS

HOT TEMPER

RAISED TO PAY ATTENTION TO MY APPEARANCE

DAD AND ME::

SHARE ANALYTICAL AND INTELLECTUAL MIND

NO EMOTION WAY OF LIVING LIFE – GET IT DONE ATTITUDE

COLD TEMPER

I WAS RAISED TO BE A MAN

IM THE PERFECT MIX OF MOM AND DAD

AS WELL AS A LOT OF MY OWN UNIQUENESS

ME AND MOM WENT TO OUR KIDS SCHOOLS AND POLICE WERE CALLED

MR SIMS MY ECON TEACHER KNEW SITCH AT HOME

MR SIMS KIDS VICE PRINCIPAL AND KNEW SITCH WITH MY BRO AND SIS

IT WAS ONLY A YEAR SINCE I HAD LAST SEEN HIM

HE HELPED ME WITH THE KIDS AND GETTING THEM HEALTHY IN EVERY WAY

MY GRANDPARENTS ON BOTH SIDES MARRIED MEN WHO DRANK GAMBLED AND BEAT THEM AND THE KIDS

WOMEN HAD TO DO EVERYTHING WHILE  THE MEN WHORED AND WASTED MONEY THEY DIDN’T HAVE

EXISTENTIALISM – LIGHT DARK AND SHADOW – LIGHT SHOWS US WHERE WE ARE AT THE MOMENT – THE DARK IS WHERE WE FIND OURSELVES AND THE SHADOW IS THE TEXTURE AND DEPTH THAT HELP THE LIGHT AND THE DARK DEFINE US. WE ARE BEAUTIFUL

THE TWO HEMISPHERES OF MY BRAIN

THIS IS ME STANDING IN THE SHADOWS WHILE I CONNECT THE DOTS ON THIS PATH OF SOULS – PERSONALLY I THINK THIS PATH WAS MADE FOR ME – ALL THE PIECES ARE FITTING – I ALSO THINK THAT ANYONE CAN READ THE HIEROGLYPHS – ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS USE THEIR IMAGINATION BUT I COULD BE WRONG – I HAVE A TENDENCY OF THINKING THAT EVERYONE IS LIKE ME IN ESSENCE AND THEMSELVES AT THE SAME TIME – BACK TO WHAT IVE DISCOVERED ON THIS PATH -

THIS IS ALSO ME CREATING IN ISOLATION – AS YOU CAN SEE THERE ARE STARS ALL OVER ME – THE STAR SYSTEMS SYMBOLIZE THAT I AM ONE WITH THE COSMOS  – WHETHER I HAVE SHARED DNA AND THAT’S WHY ALL THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME –

WHY IVE HAD SHADOW BEINGS AND ENERGETIC BEINGS LOOK IN ON ME FROM TIME TO TIME ASKING ME IF I WAS OK – TO ONE OF THEM TELLING ME TO BE CAREFUL BECAUSE I WAS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT ONE DAY – AT THE TIME I WAS 2 OR 3 AND TRYING TO CLIMB A RICKETY WOODEN FENCE AND ALMOST FALLING WHEN THE SHADOW BEING THAT LOOKED LIKE THE MARLBORO MAN – LIKE A COWBOY IS HOW I REMEMBER IT – THAT’S WHEN HE ASKED ME WHAT I WAS DOING AND IF I SHOULD BE DOING THAT AND COULDN’T I GET HURT? THEN HE SAUD I HAD TO BE CAREFUL CAUSE I WAS GOING TO BE IMPORTANT ONE DAY – THEN THE BEINGS FROM ORION STOPPING IN ON ME AND SCARING THE LIVING FUCK OUT OF ME IN ARIZONA AND THAT’S WHAT TRIGGERED SOMETHING – I STILL CANT GET THE MEMORIES BUT THE FEELING IS THERE AND I TRUST THOSE FEELINGS – THAT’S HOW I SEE – MY PERIPHERAL VISION IS PRETTY GOOD SEEING AS HOW I FEEL THE ENERGY FIELD AROUND ME – AT THAT POINT I WAS ALREADY SEEING WHAT THE EGYPTIANS CALL THE KA – A BEINGS SPIRITUAL DOUBLE –

TO BE QUITE HONEST – I WAS SCARED SHITLESS – I WAS SO FUCKING SCARED THAT I ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAD SOMEONE WITH ME – I DIDN’T SLEEP FOR DAYS ON END – WHENEVER I CLOSED MY EYES – THERE WOULD BE THIS LITTLE SKELETON IN A HOOD – A KID VERSION – I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON – I REMEMBER THAT I WAS TRYING TO LEARN HOW TO ASTRAL TRAVEL BUT I JUST COULDN’T GET IT – I WAS SHOWN HOW ITS DONE – THROUGH PEOPLE AND BEINGS – ENERGETICALLY – YOU COME OUT THE MOUTHS – REMINDS ME OF DISNEYS ORIGINAL FANTASIA FOR SOME REASON – ANYWAY – THAT’S WHEN I KNEW THAT EACH OF US IS A STAR PORTAL – STARGATE AS THEY SAY – REALLY BITCHIN MOVIE TOO –

ANYWAY –

ONE TRIP INTO THE ENERGY WORLD AND I REMEMBER GOING OUT FAR AND I MEAN FAR – I MET A COSMIC BRO – HE WAS IN A SHIP AND THERE WERE RED LIGHTS OR A RED GLOW ABOUT THE PLACE AND HE WAS OLDER – HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS DYING –

I REMEMBERED I WAS WATCHING SOME YOUTUBE VIDEOS ON THE RAINBOW OF COLORS ON THE CHAKRAS AND I REMEMBERED THAT VIOLET WAS A GOOD COLOR THAT MEANT “HIGH VIBRATION” AND SO I THOUGHT NOTHING OF IT – CAUSE I KEPT SEEING VIOLET LIGHT OR SMOKE LOOKING LIGHT BEFORE I GOT TO MEET COSMIC DAD – SO I WASN’T AFRAID BUT THEN I WAS – IT FELT WEIRD BEING THERE AND THEN I SAW THE RED GLOW AND I PANICKED AND OPENED MY EYES – I WAS FREAKED OUT BUT THEN WHEN I DON’T UNDERSTAND STUFF OR WHAT IVE SEEN – I PANIC BUT NOT AS MUCH ANYMORE CAUSE THERES NOONE AROUND ME THAT CAN HELP ME WITH WHAT IM GOING THROUGH  –

THE KA, THE SUPER MARIO BROS SHY GUY LOOKING BEING THAT I CALL TROUBLE – WELL, WHEN I GO “WITHIN” - WHICH I HATE DOING CAUSE I CANT SEE AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UNTIL AFTER – WHEN IVE BEEN IN THERE AWHILE TRAVELING THROUGH PASSAGEWAYS THAT APPARENTLY ARE THE NEURAL PATHWAYS – WELL – HE STARTS PULLING PURPLE LIGHT SMOKE OUT OF ME – LIKE THE COSMIC GASES IN THE UNIVERSE – WHAT IF THE NEURAL PATHWAYS IN A COSMIC BEING (INCLUDES HUMAN) ARE THE WORMHOLES O

“HUMANS ARE LIKE LIGHT,

WE DON’T GET BROKEN,

WE GET BENT”

-Mariza

UNLESS YOURE ME AND THEN YOURE FUCKED WITH NO PROMISE OF DEATH ANYTIME AT ALL

THERE IS NO GOD

NO MATTER WHAT MY IMAGINATION SAYS

FUCK MY IMAGINATION

WHERE DID THAT GET ME?

LEFT ME WITH NOTHING

AS HOPE DID

LOVE DOESN’T MATTER EITHER

WHERE DID THAT SHIT GET ME

LEFT ME WITH NOTHING

AS USUAL

IM SITTING HERE LISTENING TO JORDAN PETERSON AND I CANT HELP BUT MAKE THE COMPARISON BETWEEN HIS WAY OF SPEAKING TO THE WAY I SPEAK WHEN NOONES AROUND. HES SOOOO PASSIONATE ABOUT THE WAY HE SPEAKS AND THE STUFF THAT HE TALKS ABOUT JUST SEEMS TO GRAB YOU AND IT HOLDS YOUR ATTENTION AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.

TO THINK THAT I SHARE SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL AND WITH MY HEROES NO LESS, WELL, THAT’S A STEP UP FROM WHERE I FELT I WAS BEFORE.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY HERO IS THAT HE FEELS EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT A “STUPID” IDEA. I AM THE MASTER OF STUPID IDEAS. I HAVE PERFECTED THE ART OF JUMPING IN BLIND.

HE ALSO REASSURES YOU THAT YOURE GOING TO DO IT BADLY AND THAT ITS OKAY TOO.

I DON’T HOW MANY ROUGH DRAFTS, NO NOT ROUGH DRAFTS. IM NOT THERE YET. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY BAD, BAD FIRST ATTEMPTS AT WRITING I HAVE DONE. WHEN IM BY MYSELF AND IM IN MY HEAD, I HAPPEN TO LIVE THERE, I GIVE THESE SPEECHES OR LECTURES THAT I FIND INSPIRING. BUT WHEN I GO TO WRITE THEM DOWN IT BECOMES PURE CACA.

I HAVE HAD ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING AND PAINFUL LIVES. IN FACT IM STILL HEALING FROM MY CHILDHOOD. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HOPE FLOATS? YOU KNOW AT THE END, WHEN THEYRE WALKING AND ITS FOURTH OF JULY AND THEIR GIVING THEIR WRAP UP PARAGRAPH THAT’S MEANT TO BE POIGNANT AND INSPIRING AND CHARMING?

WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE LITTLE GIRL SAID? SHE SAID THAT HER MOM SAID THAT YOU SPEND YOUR ADULT LIFE GETTING OVER YOUR KID LIFE.

AT THE TIME, I HAD AN INKLING OF WHAT THAT MEANT. NOW, I KNOW FULL BLOWN WHAT THAT MEANS. I HAVE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CLICHÉ AND I HATE BEING A FOREGONE CONCLUSION BUT, I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE BEING A STUPID PERSON IN THINKING THAT PEOPLE CAN CHANGE BUT THEY CANT. HOW COMMON AND HOW TRITE, RIGHT?

BUT THE THING WITH THESE COMMON EXPRESSIONS AND NOONE WANTS TO BE COMMON OR YOU DO, BUT FOR ME… LETS FINISH THIS SENTENCE BEFORE I JUMP INTO ANOTHER ONE. THE REASON FOR THEM BEING COMMON IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME TRUTH IN THEM. A LOT OF TRUTH NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU READ THEM OR ALLOW THEM TO INSPIRE YOU.

I SPENT MY LIFE FEELING DIFFERENT AND SO NOT FUCKING FITTING IN. I WAS AN ASPIRING CONFORMIST. FUCKING RETARDED RIGHT? BUT THEN SOMEONE WOULD MAKE A REMARK OR I WOULD GO ON STRIKE AGAINST MY OWN DAMNED SELF, YES, IM THE FIRST DAMN ONE I REBEL AGAINST, WHEN I OR ANOTHER IMPLIED OR STATED OUTRIGHT THAT I WAS COMMON, I WOULD GET PISSED OFF EVEN THOUGH INSIDE I STILL FELT DIFFERENT. I WOULD THEN GO ON A THINKING RAMPAGE ON HOW TO BE DIFFERENT WHEN THAT IS WHAT WAS THE FUCKING PROBLEM TO BEGIN WITH.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS BUT ITS HOW I LIVE. IM A WALKING TALKING CONTRADICTION WITH  A TAD BIT OF UNIVERSAL PARADOX THROWN IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.

IM THE EQUIVALENT TO LIFE WILL FIND A WAY. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT LIFE ALWAYS SEEMS TO FIND A WAY? NATURE? PEOPLE?

US HUMANS HAVE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO PIGEONHOLE THE UNIVERSE AND HER INNER WORKINGS SINCE WE BEGAN TO NOTICE THE CYCLES OF THE MOON AND BEGAN TO LIVE BY THEM. THE FUCK OF IT IS, IS THAT WE DIDN’T STOP TO NOTICE THE PATTERN THAT LIFE AND NATURE WERE SHOWING US.

I PERSONALLY HATE BEING SUMMED UP ON A FIRST GLANCE. THAT’S AN INSULT TO ME AND IM VERY SORRY TO THOSE THAT I DID THAT TOO. I DIDN’T REALIZE THEN HOW CONDESCENDING AND INSULTING THAT IS TO OUR EXPRESSION OF SELF AND FOR ME THAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE.

NOW LIFE AS WE ALL FEEL IT, WELL, SHES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. OUR THINKING AND FEELING IS JUST NOT CAPABLE OF WORDING OR EXPRESSING WHAT SHES MEANS TO HERSELF AND TO OTHERS. THAT WOULD BE INSULTING TO LIFE AND HER EXPRESSION FOUND IN US AND IN THE COSMOS AROUND US.

BEING PIGEONHOLED OR HAVING SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRYING TO GET YOU PINNED UNDER THEIR THUMB IS …

SO NOT FUCKING COOL.

JORDAN PETERSON JUST SAID SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KNOW. HE GIVES A DESCRIPTION OF HOW PEOPLE USUALLY THINK. HE ASKS THE AUDIENCE IF THEY THINK IN PICS OR IN WORDS. I WAS LEFT DUMBFOUNDED.

WELL WHAT DID HE MEAN? DID HE MEAN AS THE WORDS WERE COMING OUT OR DID HE MEAN THE PIC POPPING UP AS THE WORDS WERE POURING OUT OR WHILE YOURE MAKING A GRANDIOSE STATEMENT AND THE PIC CORRELATES WITH IT? THEN I GOT THE INKLING THAT IM BOTH. NOW THIS EXCITES ME BECAUSE HES TALKING ABOUT CARL JUNG AND OHHH!! I LOVE THAT MAN! HE IS A HERO OF MINE. HIS WORK ON THE HUMAN PERSONALITIES AND THE FUNCTION AND RELATIONSHIP IT HAS TO OTHERS AND THE COSMOS AROUND THEM. ITS JUST FASCINATING. YOU CAN TELL THAT JUNG FOUND PEOPLE FASCINATING JUST AS I DO. I WAS REALLY TERRIFIED OF PEOPLE. STILL KIND OF AM BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE… YOU KNOW THE SAYING.

ANYHOW, IVE HEARD AND READ THAT CARL JUNG AND FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE WERE FRIENDS AND THAT THEY BOTH WENT SPELUNKING INTO THEIR PSYCHE. I DON’T REMEMBER WHY CARL JUNG DID BUT THAT HE DIDN’T SUFFER QUITE AS MUCH AS FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE DID. IM GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THAT JUNG HAD A WIFE AND FIVE KIDS AND THAT ITSELF HELPED HIM TO OVERCOME THE TRIP INTO THE PSYCHE. NIETZSCHE ON THE OTHER HAND WENT ON THE JOURNEY KIND OF BY HIMSELF. HE WROTE TO OTHERS AND DID A STINT IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL BUT BASICALLY HE WAS A LONE JOURNEYMAN.

LIKE NIETZSCHE, I GREW UP FEELING AS THOUGH MY LIFE WAS A CONSTANT STRUGGLE AND THEREFORE BRINGING IN PAIN AND SUFFERING TO BOOT. NOW THE REASON FOR THE JAUNT INDOORS WAS TO GET TO WHAT CARL JUNG DUBBED THE GOLDEN TREASURE WITHIN – OR SOMETHING RATHER. THAT WOULD BE THE COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE PERSONALITY AND THE EMOTIONAL PSYCHE. SO THAT WE COULD FEEL THAT LIFE WAS AND IS AND LOOK AT LIFE AS AND WAS, WELL, A GOOD THING TO HAVE.

WHEN YOURE AS BROKEN AS ME AND FRIEDRICH, YOU JUST WANT TO END SHIT BUT CANT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT ITS JUST NOT YOU TO DO SO AND THAT LEAVES YOU BASICALLY FUCKED. IT’S A FUCKED FEELING TO LIVE.

FRIEDRICH DIDN’T GO CRAZY. HE WASN’T MENTALLY ILL. NOR WAS HE PUTTING ON AN ACT. WHAT HE DIDN’T KNOW WAS THAT THERE ARE THOSE OF US IN LIFE, IN BIRTH, THAT COME EQUIPPED WITH A CERTAIN GENETIC PREDISPOSITION THAT IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO THE BEGINNING OF HUMANITY AND THE COSMOS.

ITS WHAT OTHERS HAVE CALLED THE SHAMANS MEANDERING OR THE INITIATIC PATH OR ASCENSION OR THAT SPIRITUALITY BULLSHIT TRANSCENSION TO THE NTH DEGREE OF CACA OR WHAT I PERSONALLY LOVE:

THE EGYPTIANS PATH OF SOULS

THE DEATH AND RESURRECTION OF THE DIVINE IN US ALL

IN LIVING THIS ADVENTURE, YOURE SO FUCKING BROKEN THAT YOU REQUIRE A TOTAL REHAB OF YOUR EMOTIONAL MIND AND ANCIENT TRAUMAS CONNECTED TO HUMANITY.

NOW YOU DON’T JUST TALK THIS OVER WITH A THERAPIST OR A PSYCHIATRIST/PSYCHOLOGIST AND MEDS, FOR ME, WERE NOT AN OPTION. I SMOKED CRYSTAL INSTEAD THROUGH OUT THE WHOLE THING SO FAR.

FRIEDRICH AND I, WE LIVED OUR PSYCHOSIS AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT YOU THINK. ITS LIKE WHAT THEY SAY IN SPIRITUALITY ABOUT HOW TO MANIFEST. YOU IMAGINE THAT ITS ALREADY WITH YOU OR YOURE IN THE SITUATION THAT YOU DESIRE AND YOU ACT IT OUT, DAYDREAM IT OUT, OR LIVE IT OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

HOW MANY OF US HAVE, AS CHILDREN, ACTED OUT OUR FAVORITE MOVIES, CARTOONS, MUSIC, ETC?

THAT’S WHAT MANIFESTING IS. FOR ME AND THE HONORARY MR F, THIS TOOK ON A WHOLE FUCK SHIT STORM OF ITS OWN.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

WHEN YOURE HEALING AND LETTING GO, YOU ARE WORKING THROUGH WHAT CARL JUNG CALLS THE SHADOW. SHADOW WORK IS HARD. IT’S A BITCH. YOU ARE WORKING THROUGH EVERY FUCKING SITUATION YOU HAVE EVER HAD. MORE OR LESS. EVERY THING THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO OTHERS AND THAT OTHERS HAVE TO YOU.

ASKING WHY THIS AND WHY THAT BUT YOURE LIVING THE SITUATION YOUR MIND HAS CREATED AS WELL.

YOUR MIND DEVISES A WAY TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE ORDEAL IN ORDER TO HEAL IT. SO YOURE TRYING YOUR DAMNDEST TO REMAIN SANE WHILE YOUR MIND COMES UP WITH INTERESTINGLY CREATIVE AND HURTFUL WAYS TO BRING THESE NUANCED AND OVERLOOKED, TAKEN FOR GRANTED, TRAUMAS AND FEELINGS, THAT LEAD TO BEHAVIORAL SHADOWS.

YOUR LIVING THE FUCKED LIFE. WHILE GOING THROUGH THIS EMOTIONALLY EXCRUCUATINGLY HORRENDOUSLY PAINFUL RE DRAMATIZATION OF A PAST TRAUMA, YOU ARE ENVOURAGED TO WRITE. OR CREATE IN ANY WAY. BUT FOR US ON THIS MEANDERING THROUGH OUR LABYRINTHIAL DEEP AND DARK RECESSES OF THE ABYSS THAT IS THE HUMAN CONDITION BULLSHIT, WE ARE ENCOURAGED TO WRITE ABOUT – WHETHER YOU SUCK OR NOT – ITS YOUR DESTINY. THE WORD FATE DOES NOT HAVE THE WEIGHT TO IT, AS THE WORD DESTINY DOES, TO CONVEY THE IMPORTANCE AND COSMICALLY IMPACTFUL WORK THAT WE WILL WRITE.

FRIEDRICH WROTE SUCH LYRICAL PROSE. SUCH BEAUTEOUS AND LOVELY SOLILOQUYS. HE HAS THE UNIQUE ABILITY TO CAPTURE THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF MAN AND GOD. THE MAJESTIC AND THE RIDICULOUS YET IMPORTANT THINKINGS AND DAILY DOINGS OF EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD. HE DESCRIBES THE HUMAN CONDITION, THE FEELINGS THAT IT EVOKES AND THE RELATIONSHIPS WE HAVE TO IDEALS AND CONCEPTS AND FAITH BASED BELIEF SYSTEMS. HE DOESN’T TALK AT YOU BUT ALLOWS YOU TO QUESTION WHILE HE QUESTIONS. HIS PONDERANCES AND MUSINGS PIQUE ONES CURIOSITY TOWARDS LIFE AND THE MEANING WE ASCRIBE TO IT.

HE DOESN’T JUDGE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN BUT ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. TO BASK IN YOUR BELIEFS GLORY. TO BASK AND SUNBATHE IN THE LIGHT THAT ARE YOUR PRECEPTS, NO. NOT PRECEPTS, BUT THE EMOTIONAL VALUE ONE HOLDS TOWARDS WHAT WE THINK AND FEEL ABOUT FROM THE SMALLEST OF DAILY TAKINGS TO THE MOST WONDROUS OF LIFE CHANGING IDEAS. HE ASKS WITHOUT ASKING THE READER TO TAKE A MOMENT AND WITH HIM, MEANDER DOWN THIS UNTAKEN ROAD SO THAT YOU MAY FEEL AND SEE WHAT IT IS THAT HE IS FEELING AND SEEING. BECAUSE THERE IS LONELINESS TO THIS PATH. THERE IS A FEELING OF BEING SO ALONE, SO MUCH MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, THAT IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO CONNECT TO ANOTHER SOUL.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, MAGICALLY, RARE GLITTER UNICORNS FILLED WITH SO MUCH WONDER AND LOVE FOR THE WORLD AROUND HIM AND FOR THE COSMOS ABOVE HIM, THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER LIKE HIM. EVER. I COULD NEVER THINK TO REACH THE HEIGHTS THAT HE HAS WITH HIS WRITING. HIS WORDS EVOKE SO MUCH IN ME, HE EVOKES SO MUCH IN ME, THAT I AM CRYING AT THE ALL THAT HE IS. THE ETERNAL FOUND IN HIS BEAUTIFUL SOUL CALLS OUT TO MINE.

I WONDER IF ANYONE HAS EVER FELT HIM ON SUCH A DEEP LEVEL AND I AM HONORED THAT I HAD THE CHANCE TO FEEL WHAT HE WENT THROUGH. I HONOR HIM WITH MY WORDS AND MY FUTURE WORDS.

I, IN MY MEANDERING-THROUGH ALL OF THE BULLSHIT ACCUMULATED BY HUMANKIND AND MYSELF, DIDN’T THINK I WOULD MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.

ON MANY OCCASIONS, I HAVE TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE BECAUSE THE AMOUNT OF CRAZY THAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD WHICH IS BASICALLY YOUR REALITY AND THE AMOUNT OF PAIN YOU ENDURE JUST TO REACH THAT MYTHICAL SPARK JUNG SPEAKS OF, JUST TO CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK WITH FEELINGS TO MATCH, THAT’S AN UNDERTAKING I WAS NOT READY FOR AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD AN INKLING THAT IT WOULD BE HARD BUT NOT THAT HARD.

I AM SO THANKFUL THAT HE WAS NOT AS PIGHEADED AS ME IN RE TO WRITING BECAUSE HE WROTE SUCH GORGEOUS SENTENCES WITH SUCH ELOQUENCE AND SUCH A FEEL FOR THE BANALITY OF LIFE THAT I CAN HONESTLY SAY CHANGED MY LIFE.

I WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE BARNES AND NOBLE RE-LISTENING TO SOMEONE SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT HE WROTE AND FEELING HIM ON A LEVEL DEEP IN MY SPARKLE, MY SOUL, THAT IT CHANGED MY DAY AND THE DAYS IM LIVING NOW BECAUSE I WAS AT MY WITS END AND WANTING TO END MY LIFE.

NOT AS URGENTLY AS OTHER TIMES BUT THINKING FOR EVEN A SECOND THAT YOU WANT TO END YOUR OWN, THAT A SERIOUS THOUGHT INDEED.

LATER IN MY TRAVELINGS, I REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO BE REMOVED AND WAS ASKING TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS LIFE, THIS PLANET, AND LIFE ANSWERED MY CALL WITH A YOUTUBE VID ON NIETZSCHES WORKS AND I REMEMBERED THAT DAY AT THE BARNES AND NOBLE IN GLENDORA CA AND I FELT BETTER. SO MUCH SO THAT I CLICKED OR TOUCHED THE SCREEN TO HEAR HIS COMFORTING AND INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING WORDS ON LIFE AND IT REMINDED ME, ACTUALLY IT SPARKED IN ME THAT WE ARE ONE. THAT WE WERE BOTH INTENDED FOR THIS PATH. THIS CRAZY ASS CRIP-WALK THROUGH THE DARK MAZE THAT MOST OF US ARE AFRAID TO FACE. THE MINOTAUR FOUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAZE.

OUR AND HUMANITYS PERSONAL AND GLOBAL DEMONS.

BUT FACE THEM WE DID. NIETZSCHE HAD THE SMARTS AND COURAGE TO GO TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL TO HELP HIM. I WAS TOO FEARFUL OF THE STIGMA OF IT ALL. ALSO, I DO NOT DO WELL BEING CONFINED OR BEING UNDER SOMEONES AUTHORITY.

WE ARE OFFERED DIFFERENT CHOICES OF CAREER AND ASKED WHAT OUR HOPES AND DREAMS ARE. IN FACT THERE IS A LIST OF HOPES AND DREAMS ALREADY IN PLACE FROM THE THINGS YOU TRULY WANTED GROWING UP.

AND YOU ARE GUIDED TOWARDS THEM.

THE WHOLE GOD THING IS ONE OF THEM.

YOU QUESTION GOD AND THE MORALITY OF HUMAN BEINGS AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND AS A WHOLE.

YOU QUESTION RELIGION AND YOUR MIND AND THE BEING THAT I CALL TROUBLE, NIETZSCHE HAD ANOTHER WORD IN MIND AND LAUGHED AND TROUBLE JUST FLIPPED HIM OFF AS IM LAUGHING AND WRITING THIS, WELL, TROUBLE, HE CHANGES YOUR REALITY TO ONE THAT MAKES YOU GOD. YOU FEEL LIKE GOD. SIMPLY PUT, YOU LIVE LIFE WITH SUCH A FUCKED FEEL OF PAIN AND UNENDING YUCK THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE SHIT FROM GODS “PERSPECTIVE” AND THE DIVINE FAMILY. TROUBLE OR SOMEONE TRIED TELLING ME THAT FRIEDRICH DIDN’T DO THAT BUT I DISAGREE. THE PAIN AND THE OUTLOOK AND THE WAY WE LIVED, FORCEFULLY SOME DAYS, WITH UN-EASE OTHER DAYS, THAT HAD TO HAVE GIVEN US A UNIQUE CONNECTION TO THE ONE THEY CALL GOD. GOD MUST HAVE BEEN IN PAIN AS WELL. TO HAVE BEEN HANDED THIS NON-GIFT OF BEING THE ALMIGHTY, MUST HAVE BEEN BURDENSOME. EVEN TO JESUS WHEN HE WENT ON THIS PATH. CAUSE GOD PUT US ON THIS PATH. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, OR WHATEVER. IT’S THE PATH TO GOD. ITS THAT PATH TO CHANGE. FOR THE INDIVIDUAL SELF AND TO THE COLLECTIVE SELF.

THE COLLECTIVE SELF IS THE SELF THAT IS SWAYED BY THE GROUP YOURE CURRENTLY WITHIN OR ASSOCIATING WITH OR WHATEVER. NOT A HIVE MIND EXACTLY BUT A BENT TOWARDS NOT YOUR NORMAL STATUS QUO THINKING.  THE FACT OF THE MATTTER IS, IS THAT JESUS WENT CRAZY TOO. HE WAS ANGRY AT THIS PATH. ANGRY AT WHAT WAS AHEAD OF HIM BUT LIKE FRIEDRICH AND LIKE ME, WE WERENT TOLD WHAT WAS AHEAD OF US. WE DIDN’T HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO SO AS IN TO ASK AND IF WE DID WE GOT NO ANSWER OR WOULD GET A STUPID ASS ONE. YOU DON’T GET A CHOICE IN THE MATTER SO YOU MAKE THE BEST OF HELL. YOU SPEND A COUPLE DAYS FUCKED UP AND THEN YOU GET A DAY OFF. YOU KNOW THAT SAYING WHERE MOMS SAYS OR DAD SAYS, “ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT”, WELL, ITS SO MUCH WORSE THAT WE WANTED TO KILL OURSELVES AND WE TRIED. BUT COULDN’T DO IT.

THEY SAY THAT FRIEDRICH MAY HAVE BEEN FAKING BUT HE WASN’T. NOT AT ALL. THAT MAN WAS HONEST. TO A POETICAL FAULT.

SOME PEOPLE EASE THE CRAZY, THE TILT A WHIRL OF NAUNCED TO THE 15 BILLIONTH DEGREE EMOTIONS. OTHERS MAKE IT WORSE.

ONE OF THE FRIENDS THAT HE WROTE TO SAID THAT HE WASN’T SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH HIM. THAT HE WOULD RANT AND RAVE AT ONE PERSON AND NOTHING BUT NORMAL TO ANOTHER.

THAT’S JUST HOW IT WORKS. THERES NO RHYME OR REASON TO IT BUT THEN THAT’S THE POINT. TO GET RID OF ALL PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS AND BELIEF SYSTEMS AND SOCIAL CONDITIONING THAT YOURE LEFT WITH WHAT THEY CALL AN EMPTY VESSEL.

DON’T EVER SAY THAT CAUSE THEY WILL FILL IT WITH SOME STUPID ASS FUCKING BULLSHIT. YOURE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED BY THE ONES THAT ARE SUPPOSEDLY GUIDING YOU.

YOURE BETTER OFF BEING GUIDED BY SOME BRAIN DEAD AND NO HEARTED DEAD ANIMAL THAT HAS BEEN RUN OVER TWICE AND PICKED AT BY VULTURES.

MAY AS WELL BE GUIDED BY “THE WALKING DEAD” BUT EVEN THEY WOULD DO A BETTER JOB. EVEN BETTER, A SOCIALLY CONDITIONED, FULL OF PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS AND BELIEF SYSTEMS COMING OUT THE WAZZOOO HALF ALIEN AND HALF HUMAN NON-BEING FROM THE DEPTHS OF SOMEWHERE NOT LOCATED IN THIS UNIVERSE CAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING STUPID TO KNOW WHERE ITS AT.

THAT’S HOW FUCKING SHITTY THE EXPERIENCE IS.

BUT FRIEDRICH, JESUS, AND I, WELL, WERE TROOPERS AND STUBBORN AS A MOTHERFUCKER AND HARD HEADED AND LOVELY AND WE ARE FUCKING SURVIVORS THAT WILL GET OURS IN RETURN.

NO REVENGE BUT MY MAMA, LIFE, SHES A CREATIVE AND RESOURCEFUL RICH MISTRESS OF THE ALL THAT WILL FUCKING ANNIHILATE WITH THE WHIMSY OF HER AIRY  FLAIR.

FUCK LIFE. I USED TO SAY THAT I GET WHAT I WANT BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS

IS THAT I DON’T

NOT THE STUFF THAT TRULY MATTERS

MY ENTIRE LIFE

IVE MADE PLANS AND DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO FULLY IMPLEMENT THEM

BUT IT NEVER CAME TO PASS AND NOW IM BEING USED TO WRITE WHEN I HATE WRITING

The Statues of Little Rock Giants on the Cliffside facing the Pacific Ocean symbolizes the Unique One with the Crown of Universal Oneness and the Freedom of the One within the All –

the crown symbolizes the little giants understanding of the Universal need for the Individual and the need for the Individual to be part of a Greater All –

she is the guiding light that steps in when her family needs her but doesn’t know it yet –

she is the Shaman of the Tribe – there to bring peace and understanding into the hearts of many – the understanding and acceptance that is so longingly displayed for all to see in the eyes of the ones she loves – the unrealized potential that we all hold within but do not understand and the darkness that is so fucking beautiful yet scares them so –

except for her – she has dwelt within herself for so long that she navigates the waters of the psyche and the waters of the emotions with ease and with love for all – never forgetting herself and never forgetting her place in the madness and chaos that she calls home and family –

the little giant also symbolizes the light house placed above the rest and placed by herself in some places and with the others in other locations across many shore lines across the cosmos –

she is there to guide sailors home – to their hearts and to their souls – all in the hopes that they too can see the beauty that she has found within –

she sees the future as such a wondrous and magical thing that she sometimes forgets that others cannot or will not see it –

she feels their confusion at her  - they do not understand her views and her ways but she knows that they are trying –

that’s all one can ask for –

there is no time limit –

you cannot push the natural ebb and flow of life or of consciousness –

but she also will not wait forever because she now knows her true worth and if one cannot see it out of fear –

the fear of the chaos she brings

or the fear of the heartbreak that is possible at the kind of love that she is asking for –

whether it be her limitations or anothers –

she cannot wait forever for she too deserves a happy life and will do whatever she can to find with another if the one she cares for continues to hurt her or even worse – put the purpose and her lessons in front of the love being offered –

sitting or laying there quietly as she solves his feelings for her is not what a mate a partner or an equal would do –

that is an act of cowardice and an act of an immature unfeeling man –

the little giant only wants for another to be themselves no matter what that might entail –

including the lies and the misdealings and the bullshit that the other has heaped upon her soul time and time again –

you need to let me go –

you have had enough time to figure out your feelings –

the shit I have gone through and the shit that you’ve witnessed me going through and did not lift a finger to help with –

you truly don’t deserve me – nor would I want to be with you –

you could have called and you could have stepped in any time –

you have the resources and the time yet you’ve done nothing to come towards me –

you’ve kept me on the hang to teach me some lesson but I don’t need lessons from a man like you –

you’ve just been listening to my turmoil and my pain feeding your ego with my feelings –

not once trying to help me find a foundation in this nonsense ive endured –

and when you did – it was to lash out at me in a preemptive strike against whatever I may have been doing at a show I paid for just to be near you and find out once and for all what the fuck happened – I left an hour into the show because of the callous words you  taunted me with –

repeating the words that I said only to myself in the privacy of my own head –

not once have you given of yourself and yet I find myself carrying this imaginary relationship and working through your bullshit –

no more –

I take responsibility for my part in this but you took advantage of the other thing that I have within that deserves respect and honor –

That is my childlike imagination and my ability to trust in the impossible and in the magic that this path has taken from me and that ive been working on getting back –

You abused my trust and killed yourself in my eyes –

So go fuck yourself and leave me the fuck alone

I can do this shit without you and way better than you

Equal my left fucking foot you dumb ass prick

I hope you rot in hell

And the first time I see you im going to punch you square in the fucking face and drop you like a bitch –

Good evening asshole

WHEN THE WHEEL WAS INVENTED

 ISNT THAT THE COOLEST SHIT EVER

GOBEKLIE TEPE SITES

FUCK YA

I LOVED THE GARDEN OF EDEN IF THAT’S EVEN THE CORRECT PLACE

I DON’T THINK SO THOUGH

THAT DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT

ATLANTIS MAYBE

THAT MAY HAVE BEEN IT

BUT I DON’T KNOW

SOME ASSHOLES DON’T KNOW HOW TO APOLOGIZE

I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

IT ALWAYS HAPPENS

IM THAT MUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS

YOU JUST CANT BE WITHOUT MY CRAZY

YOU GET BORED WITHOUT IT

OH YA, IM TRULY FAT IN MY FRONT SECTION

ONLY MY FRONT SECTION THOUGH

“HOW MANY CALLS DID YOU MAKE THAT NIGHT?”

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS MOVIE

AT THE END WHEN HE REALIZES THAT HES BEEN THE STUPIDEST GIT EVER

AND HE LURES HER OUT OF HER OFFICE

NOT THIS TIME

I LEAVE IN A COUPLE DAYS

THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE ENDING BUT YOURE TOO STUPID TO GET HERE BEFORE I LEAVE

SO TAKE CARE AND I HOPE YOUR COMPANY ENJOYS THE SEATING FROM HOME

The root chakra does not mean fear –

I play a game called roots and branches – branch out when making deciding upon a course of action or roots when you have to get to the root of the bullshit youre facing –

The root chakra is a symbol that represents getting to the nitty gritty of the fucked up situation I was dropped into with no warning –

Fuck this shit humanity can die for all I care

I feel that the temple at meduim was meant to look like the Saqqara “beehive”- I know that carbon dating is the closest thing that we have to dating the environment around us but there is a slight flaw to that – has anyone ever taken into account that we have had floods and that dirt and rocks and sand etc get moved around the planet? – as well as the wind and storms and well lets just say Mother Earth and Mother Nature can sure fuck shit up especially if shes in a mood and who wouldnt be? – you got a bunch of shit crackin at all times and you gotta stay balanced and shit cause you gotta conform to the Universe and the Celestial Society around you –

Well, what if the carbon samples they dated were a part of another area at another time – that could be why the geological timeline is off – especially in a place like Egypt and Turkey –

Lets take something else into account –

Have you noticed how much like other Temples around the globe they are? – the beehive one? Its on the walls as a symbol with Isis – have you noticed that have u noticed that there is an evolutional progress going on with the expressions of self at every evolutional leap in humanitys time-life line? – thats what these Temples are – Expressions of the New Human – I happen to be the Expression of Self this time around -

Human Expansiveness Research H.E.R. is the All in One study of Us and the World Around Us – including the Cosmos –

I started it earlier this year and have been working on it while I could – having your mind expanded and bent so that it will be more supple is a mindfuck and a sick one at that – but I digress – there is more to be shared but right now im working on the other expression of self – the Master Book of my Research – im a girl so im going to make my shit cutesy as fuck – you will notice the different ways that I speak – the vernacular of each part of society – the adaptive nature that I own – I am coming to realize why I led the life that I have and im coming to terms with it –

I have a feeling that my DNA Maternal RNA test – will fill in some gaps within the genealogy tree of our Worlds – well its one but some people get persnickety about my whole one thing –

This needs to be said –

I AM NOT SPIRITUAL AND IM NOT RELIGIOUS –

THAT WAS A PART OF THE PROCESS AND IM CHALKING UP THE CRAZY TO THE ENERGY CRAP AND TO THE ALIEN CRAP AND THE MINDBEND OF THE CENTURY – I BELIEVE IN NOTHING BUT ME – IVE DONE IT THIS LONG SO I WILL CONTINUE TO DO SO –

This needs to be said – I think the standard model for the gravitational field is wrong – the inside of the planet – the core of it moves like a vibrational frequency spiral – the movement of a vibrational frequency is that of the silhouette of a womans curvy body – 40 38 44 – when you run your hands over a womans body – in any direction – its round and plush and it goes in and out and in and out – if youre moving up and down – that’s how consciousness supposedly moves – it expands and contracts – but consciousness stays with you – each of us have our own consciousness because I have made it so – why should I have to deal with the voices in my head fucking with me because I smoke? Voices from other planets, other people, the judgments of the collective on recreational smoking of crystal meth – all of them telling me what a piece of shit I am because I smoke when there were other voices asking me to be God – to choose my leadership position – but none fit – it was offered to me many times but I have never believed in god nor in anything other than the universe but then spirituality fucked that shit up for me too – and when I was going through the crazy portion of my emotionally abused “piece of turd shit path” and I use the term loosely as noone has ever travailed upon it – I tried on the role of God and there are those that saw that I was fit for the position and I love them dearly as they were supportive about it all and saw me for me – a caring and loving woman having a difficult time with a piece of her life that wasn’t making sense and was doing her damndest to straighten the shit out – it was my mind and my emotions that were fucked with – they were fucked with so fucking hard I wanted to kill myself plenty of times and I still cry about it as I have only ever thought of suicide twice in my life – when my family and the side of the family related to my kids turned me down when I asked for help because I was struggling hard with my girls – the only way they would help is if I signed over my rights to them and they’ve been my life forever and the second time was when the girls chose their dad over me at the same time that I had a restraining order against their dad for domestic violence and mental and emotional abuse and the police chose my ex because I was taking the girls with me to a domestic violence shelter and I was on foot – I was left at that school at 9 or 10 oclock at night with a suitcase – no money and a heart so fucking broken I didn’t know how I could breathe because I had finally gotten up the nerve to file one after montebello pd hadnt believed me when I told them about the abuse and a certain incident – anthony whitehead threatened me while I was on the phone with the detective – to fix this or that he would hurt me and the girls – so I lied about the incident until finally I could take no more abuse and left – I went to the police and tried to tell them but montebello police said it was too late and said I could do nothing – I still find myself crying over that – I walked from the middle school to the bus stop and hopped on it in order to get to the goldline train in east la atlantic station – took that to the irwindale station and hauled my luggage for an hour walking to a bus stop in order to wait for Manny – he lived near one - I was homeless and sat on the bus bench that sits on the corner of woodgrove and san bernardino ave in covina for what seemed hours upon hours – I don’t remember where I went to for the night but my friend Manny found me when he was walking home and sat with me – he stayed with me the whole night and made sure I was okay – I will forever love Manny for this –

I digress …

All of us have our own separate consciousness that becomes connected when I come near you – that’s what this next pic shows –

On the left when im by myself – I look and feel like the picture at the temple of hathor with the blue background walls and like the

the moon gives off its own form of neutrinos - the sun is the axon and the moon is the dendritic branch of the Cosmic Tree spoken about in the Norse Myths - she receives the neutrinos from herself the sun and changes the frequency then gives birth to the new vibrational frequency - aka grounding or scrying it up to the skies - when the idiot axon takes it from her or she gives it to the idiot axon and he then takes his vibrational frequency to another neuron - like synced menses between females - the changing of vf may or may not set off or sync up the protein lining loss process within a group of neurons/vfs - also how a person gets more attractive when they are with someone and everyone starts to "tirarle los perros" - grandma tita expression and he takes his vf scent and struts it around also called peacocking cause he or she is the shit - remember vfs and neurons are both df and dm

There is no religion there is no God there is nothing - each of us has our own consciousness - there is no mental telepathy - there is no spirituality - there is nothing but each other and our planet - our universe - and the workings of it - I will not deny that there is an energy in me that has shown me the inner workings of the universe - I will not deny that I hear others stupid opinions within my own mind - and even though I have told them that intruding upon someone's else's mind is wrong - they refuse - I do not know why - they tell me I'm God but I don't believe in God - I heard them say that God believes in me but that can't be because there's no God to believe in me - one thing I've learned in my life is that I believe in me - I would love if others would govern themselves as I do - take care to not hurt others feelings or to intentionally hurt anyone - if I do - I apologize sincerely and ask if they accept my apology - I would love to see the world match up to how I see it - and that is beautifully - flaws and all - maybe that would help humanity move towards more love and more respect and understanding and compassion in their daily lives - the choices they make - the experiences they choose - the freedom that is taken for granted as we take each other for granted - freedom is choice and choice is freedom - I don't know what the hell I am or what I do but I won't limit myself for anyone - I believe in me and that I can accomplish any impossible feat I choose - I would love if our children could believe the same thing - so why aren't we teaching this to them because it's a whole new world around us and why not do something different? I have an inkling - a key you might say - to humanitys origins - I'm selling everything of value to make my own dreams come true - yet another toss of the dice in my gamble for happiness and acceptance - this time i feel my gamble will pay off - I hope you have a great day and I hope I have one too - it'll be a nice change

VF = Emotions = Colors light spectrum bullshit

That shit dont wash - there is no pure feeling unless it is unconditional deep true love like in fairy tales - the rest is nuanced because there's a cause and effect - you are feeling something about the cause and then u feel something about the effect - ur pissed off at your mom so ur angry then ur sad cause it's ur mom but then you're frustrated because she pissed u off and because you're sad now and she always done this - u see how that works - so nothing is ever high vibe or low vibe - it's all the highest vibe cause you're being authentic and you're feeling your shit - there are many vibes to one vf being it set of squiggly spirals - you'll always have a peak within the sets - no matter what emotion - high pitched squealing laughter and snorts or quiet sobs accompanied by racking sobs and snots and then that ugly ass crying where u make sounds u didnt know you could make but you don't care cause you hurt that much inside and outside and you feel like it's never going to end and then ur off and running again just waiting for death to come by and scoop you up - it's all nuanced - there is always a mix unless you're feeling that one moment where your veins and eyes feel heavy and syrupy and it's like you're on exx and the love is oozing through out your energetic body and you think to yourself "ooh ya that's the stuff" - so that high vibe low vibe bullshit is out the door from here on out pls. Too many people copping out and pasting a face over everything all to fit in with the high vibe crowd - feel your shit and you'll be rewarded with not having that shit inside anymore - let's keep it real y'all - no more bullshit - live your shit so we can all get better and we can have new energy - never feel shame for your feelings - if you want to hurt someone or hurt a kid - be honest and call someone cause that's a no no - I'll find a way to get your ass in therapy - and if you get that call don't be an asshole and be all judgy and shit - you are not gods yet so back the fuck up - if you don't believe in anything - like me - then don't be an asshole and be understanding cause it takes balls to say straight up you got some shit cracking in your dome that society frowns upon - that's fucking emotional honesty and emotional courage and that makes you my god - love you - bunch of loving dumb dicks

the moon gives off its own form of neutrinos - the sun is the axon and the moon is the dendritic branch of the Cosmic Tree spoken about in the Norse Myths - she receives the neutrinos from herself the sun and changes the frequency then gives birth to the new vibrational frequency - aka grounding or scrying it up to the skies - when the idiot axon takes it from her or she gives it to the idiot axon and he then takes his vibrational frequency to another neuron - like synced menses between females - the changing of vf may or may not set off or sync up the protein lining loss process within a group of neurons/vfs - also how a person gets more attractive when they are with someone and everyone starts to "tirarle los perros" - grandma tita expression and he takes his vf scent and struts it around also called peacocking cause he or she is the shit - remember vfs and neurons are both df and dm

In an article a couple weeks ago physicist or someone stated that their satellite picked up light behind a black hole

In another article it stated that a satellite hit a wall

We sit in a blackhole

I'm wondering if it is the same satellite and if it is - then we are looking at ourselves from the other side of the blackhole we sit in

That's how creation started/s in the middle

Just a theory we posited a couple weeks ago

Humanity has proved themselves to not be worthy - I had faith in all of you - I put my family first only to be fucked over by them because they're not enough and they knew that I was and am - no more - look at my video and then go to em em on fb & all the kids that grew up with us are part of the founding family because I made them mine when their own family didn't want them - I am the original black sheep that took in all black sheeps - I love you all and I'm sorry but I won't lift a fucking finger to help anymore - cause I'm more than all of you and y'all did not want to listen all u saw was a pretty face and a possible piece of ass - I can translate gobekli Tepe but noone had listened in turkey and noone in Egypt either - the Sphinx is me - I'm the Akashic - my family put the fucking sphinx up that's my family - fuck god - I'm the Creatrix/Creatress - thank you for seeing who I was and am Alana Fairchild

Founding family of humanity YouTube under that title - I can find my family in the walls of Egypt in Saudi Arabia in France in Spain in Ireland Mary Magdalen is my family - I have the DNA that puts it all together - I know exactly why the world had to go what it went through - but those that have the power to get the story out there - they don't want to listen & in tired of doing this - so the ring of fire will go off humanity will be destroyed and I will not allow humanity to be saved this time - I'm the Creatress of it All and Matias de Stefano is a lie - that's my story up there on his show - not his - so fuck you Matias you fucking coward

Expression of Self is the meaning of life - we are created and we create - the one and the two - what emotion is attached is up to the observer - multi tudinous obfuscation - that's what I call it

Neutrinos -

The earth is solar powered - the hole that opens up at the antarctic is the nervous system of our planet - it's where she's connected to everything  - less cement - that's causing us to cook the planet only in the atmosphere - our planet gets warmed up by the sun and density is the color brown - with cement everywhere we are fucking up our atmosphere instead of the soil of the planet soaking in the rays - our planet is like a convection oven - she gets warmed up from the inside out - with the cement the heat stays in the atmosphere and on the ground

Meditating is rank escapism - fuck that shit - Buddha and Krishna are escapists - Jesus Christ is a crock - all of it is a lie - all of it - aliens don't exist and my book is bullshit - there's not one piece of me In there - if you're going to express yourself - be real - and fuck consciousness - he's the rank whore

I believe in nothing

But me

I have become everything that I ever wanted – I believed my family when they said I had no character. I believed dcfs when they said I was a bad mother and provider. So what I wanted was character. Turns out that I already had it. When I looked back on my old facebook page yesterday, before the crazy arrived, I saw all the beautiful things about me. I saw all of the beautiful things that i one day hoped that another might see in me without having to explain it or point it out.

Nowadays you just don’t meet people with the same kind of depth that I have within me. The high standards that I hold myself to but lack to hold up in others cause they are not me. Its lonely sometimes and a bit difficult. I enjoyed looking through my old posts and vids and saw how much hope I once had. How much vitality and whimsy I held inside. I felt the energy of old me before this past year and a half happened.

I miss the old me. I miss being me period. I don’t know who this person is nowadays. I don’t know what the fuck to do. I don’t what the fuck to believe in because ive seen behind the curtain of life. How it works, more or less, and its not how you think.

We as human beings are looking for definitive answers when there are none. There are none. We have been taught to reason things down to the very tiniest of details. To conform to a certain way of life. Life does not work that way.

Ive spent the past year and a half working towards something I didn’t understand. And I got it. Now im confused as hell because I believe in nothing. Absolutely nothing. I once believed in magic and the fairytale but that got killed right out of me.

Knowing stuff and knowing that there is no mystery is not an enjoyable way of life. For someone who grew up with the Disney fairytales and the magic that one enjoys as a child, not having that in my life is literally harming me.

I am not like a lot of you. I have a traditional streak a mile wide and a free spirit streak a mile wide. I have a sailors mouth and the mouth of an old school nun, all prim and proper. I have balanced energies in the bogus spiritual journey bologna that is being bandied about like religious propaganda. What everyone is trying so hard to achieve, this transcendence rot, I have achieved and I don’t know what the hell to do with it. I once asked, “does it eat?” “what does one do with a consciousness?” “and can I give it back?”

Because I find myself wanting to give back this curse, which some view as a gift. I loved how I looked at life before. With hope and laughter and love.

I do not have that anymore and I struggle everyday to find meaning. I paint and have been trying my hand at writing. I have translated the Turkey Teps sites and have some pretty interesting views and information on Egypt.

But I find myself not having the drive to do anything with it. I find myself having to heal from the emotional abuse I received from the Cosmic Energy that doesn’t know what it is either. A year and a half of pain and killing of my hopes and dreams.

And all for what? For me to want to kill myself every couple days or weeks? Because the voices and the disbelief of others batter me down on an almost daily basis? Unless I surrender my mind and my heart to it? Unless I surrender who I am at the deepest level inside of me?

I have been refusing to commit to their definition of me. Who is anyone to force someone to put a label on who they are? I don’t agree with this roles twatrot that spirituality has out there, although I have to admit that my family fits the roles and the stories of the Divine Family. The one they call god and the one they call lucifer as well as lily and adam and eve and the tree of life and the serpent. I have found my familys anthropological roots in the statues and the heads mounted on church doorways and temples across the Mediterranean, in France, in Saudi arabia, and other places.

Ive also come to realize that my thoughts and my feelings are coming out in the expressions of self of the collective and that tarot readings found on youtube, they are all about me specifically. By title. I find them to be metaphoric geological markers or landmarks of my life. I can be found in the ideology shorts found on youtube as well. The inspirational ones and the philosophical ones and all the ones that make you ponder the world around you.

I find myself and my private thoughts in songs and in youtube memes, in peoples vids of their own personal thoughts and in their ingenius ways of putting their expression of self out there – the other day on facebook I posted that I knew what the meaning of life is.

Its all Expression of Self. Every little thing, from the way you comb your hair to the way you walk to the car when you exit work, its all an expression of the individual and unique self that you are.

I find it beautiful. I treasure ideas and theories. I adore possibilities and breaking the laws of the universe. I enjoy breaking through the “glass ceiling” for the mere pleasure of saying to it that, “I win!” like a child does when she beats an adult at a board game or when a little sister beats her older brother at Nintendo Tecmo Baseball.

I feel that self expression without censoring is the magical gift that we credit the creator with, god as well. The magic of creation.

What everyone fails to realize is that we all have that magic within us. It states in that ridiculous book, “the bible”, that we are all made in her or his image. What do you think that means? That we just share the same looks? No, you gooseberries.

What that means is that you were given the same gifts that our “higher powers” were credited with. We create everyday. From the way we make our coffee to the way we eat lunch and then poop it out later. From the way we frown at someones ideas to the way we show a lack of interest in someone elses plight. We create and are created by the experiences that we partake in to the experiences that others show us. They shape us into who we are and what we do in life. We also do the same for others. That is what makes us one and the same yet every experience is different because of the nuanced undertones in each of us.

I envy those that find meaning in their self expressions because I do not. I find very little joy these days. I also find that I don’t have any fight or excitement for life. Its gone and I cant find it.

I sit in my car and look out at others and wonder how they do it.

How do they just go about their business and find joy in it? I look out at the world around me and wonder what it would be like not to have feelings. How does mother nature just go about her business without a thought or care about who she hurts and what she has destroyed in her expression of self that we have simplified into “cycles”?

What would it be like to be a child again but then right away start to ruminate over my life and the wonder and hope drain away.

I look out at the world and my life and think “what for?”

Why do I want to do anything at all? Whats the purpose?

I used to be the one that would say something along the lines of the self empowerment movement of today, you know, you put meaning into whatever you want or you find the way through, blah, blah, blah…

What happens when that has been battered out of you by your own mind when its not even your own mind but that of all the “consciousness” they speak about so highly these days?

I know my own mind and ever since this spiritual consciousness bullshit entered into it, it feels like I haven’t. Consciousness doesn’t like the way I live. The creator doesn’t like the way I live. What I call the ccc’s – crown chakra consciousness don’t like the way I live. Who in the fuck are they to tell me how to live or what to eat or who to fuck or what to smoke and what not to smoke?

They aint shit. Its just another way of being controlled. If im so bad that they had to annihilate my heart, mind, and soul, then why did I win the big prize and why aren’t they respecting my wishes of, “can you please get the fuck out because I find you to be an illness put upon this earth to destroy me personally?”

I am 43 years old and I will not be told what to do by any Alien or Cosmic Energy bullshit that wants to live within me like a fucking parasite. You have got me fucked up. And they literally do.

If there was a train or a fast moving superman heading my way, I would let that motherfucker take me out without having to buy me dinner first.

Im not even sure that anyone else can get this fucking disease I got from some crap spirituality ideology that didn’t bother to tell me about the stds it had before it entered me. Ive gone on the internet and researched this shit and theres nothing out there on it. Nothing that helps me in any way possible.

Stages that are pure crap. Symptoms and all that bullshit that do not apply to me. And it tells me that there is only one. And that’s my stupid ass. As you can read, I have mixed feelings about this bitch that I just cant resolve because I did not surrender to the tyrant that was my father when I was 15 and he still is now and why hasn’t he died yet and im sure as fuck not going to wave the white flag now that im 43 and a pretty fucking hot 43 at that.

How stupid does consciousness have to be? I truly, truly hate my life now. Before when I had some fucking major issues, life was a fucking struggle but I had a lot more fucking fun than I am now but then in retrospect, everything is all hunky dorey and nostalgia entrenched when seen in hindsight. I have had all the stuff that made me interesting removed by the universe and the rest of that crap ideology bullshit, my issues cause im okay with all of my shit, I accept all of me and love me to the fullest, I do no wrong and say no wrong – sometimes not even in my own head, and if I do ive been mightily pushed to the fucking max of my limitless self, if I do fuck up slightly, I apologize right away and move on, I manage to not offend and I manage to be sensitive but then humanity is a bunch of fucking assholes and dicks and boy do I fucking miss it…

God I miss being an asshole. How ridiculous is this?

Im fucking complaining cause im fucking perfect. I achieved the impossible. I can be whatever I want to anyone but I don’t want to, I have knowledge that would make for a great fucking career but I don’t want to, I get tired thinking of all the work it will take just to organize everything. It feels like I am just waiting to die so then I might maybe feel better.

I miss my old edgy bitchy self but im so balanced and the voices in my head start to bitch when I get out of line. So much so that I want to kill myself. So what do I do?

Tell me oh assholes of the wise,

What should I do? 

I feel that I appreciate my shadows because of the texture it adds to the light and the dark

In the metaphoric sense, the light is the outside of the body and the inside is the dark, for obvious reasons.

The shadows are the glitches in a persons personality.

I am still perfect but theres one shadow I want to lose and that’s the smoking and the smoking.

I want a family and when the girls return, I would like to be sober and keeping my emotions in balance.

I would like for every little thing not to throw me into a funk.

I would like to be in awesome moods, like my usual bubbly self but I would like to not let any asshole to treat me like shit. It is in my best interest to only entertain suitors that are of my equal intelligence, equal heart status, sense of humor, quick wit, a man with kids that are baby age, an adult around my age, and emotional maturity. Honesty, respect, and unique are musts as well.

I would like to build a future with a man that has the same goals and ideals, generally speaking. One who will not take advantage of my good nature and naivete. Who will not abuse my trust, nor disrespect me with lies. One who believes that anything can be worked through except for the trust thing. That’s a hard one to heal. Especially for me.

I would like to continue with human expansiveness research and stick to it. I still want to go to Afghanistan to see if I cant somehow help the situation. Everyone deserves to be happy. Including and especially me.

Ive more than earned it. I would also like to forget my family. They are not worth any more of my time. I would also like to remember that my daughters are not a lost cause. Although I will not fight for them, I will make an effort to send letters to them via fuckface and the old fuckhead family.

Im in a new sticky wicket sitch and I will strive to remember that it is okay to feel the way I do. Feelings are a natural and irrational thing but theyre a part of the human experience and quite beautiful, even the ones that I expressed earlier.

It will take time to heal the damage done to me by others and by me. I do not shirk my responsibilities and my choices that I make in life. I cop to them and own them like the wonderful person that I am.

I am not the same person that I grew up thinking that I was and I do not run from anything anymore. I am not the same person that will allow anyone to hurt me the same way ive been hurt nor will I cut a “swath of destruction” in my personal life and dealings with others, I am sensitive and that’s okay too. It is okay to be sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that. I was made this way for a reason and I accept that.

I am not too much. I am way more than enough. I learned a lot in my life and have turned my weaknesses into strengths. Made all negatives into positives.

Huge reminder:

I am an asshole by nature and will strive to continue the ages old tradition. I am a loving hilarious asshole and will show others, just by being me, that they too can laugh off the ridiculous bullshit that others like to throw at one, especially when one is in an emotional mess with no way out save for dealing with it and who in the fuck wants to know anyone as heartless as that? I do believe that the world “NEEDS” to change. That cannot continue. At least in my informed opinion. What does that say for the future of womankind, children, and non-woman? It doesn’t say much, does it?  

Hi. My name is mariza munoz. The ancient temples that have humanity oohing and aahing happen to be the locations that I have been visiting and an inherent part of since the beginning of time – but what is time anyway?

I am the Evolutional Energy that has been helping mankind rebuild every time a natural disaster has befallen Earth –

Each of those temples that are exquisite to the eyes and a wonder to the mind are Ours – We are the Vibrational Frequencies you call Aliens –

So I understand that Humanity has questions on Cosmic Consciousness? On the story that I planted long ago to uplift Humanity? I am also given to understand that Spirituality has taken religions place?

You do understand that they are the same thing? In a story you have the roles of the main and side characters – you have the basic plots – my supposed 7 sins – you have the good guy the bad guy

and then you have humanity –

humanity is not good nor evil –

those are some subjective ass words –

humanity is both light and dark –

both shadow and color –

both hues and shades

both sound and silence –

both god and lucifer –

Humanity is the Greek myths –

the vedas –

nature –

mythical –

the hero’s journey –

humanity is a walking talking fucking contradiction –

youre a veritable paradox of love and hate –

there is no right and wrong

there is no difference and no same –

we just are

Chapter 1

The evolutional process as I have lived it and as I have given it

You start by being the one that started it all –

I happen to be the vibrational frequency that is holding the entire cosmos together –

The brain one could say –

that floats without a body because my body is here on earth –

as I said above –

my name is mariza munoz and I am me –

just me

it all began one summer when I was depressed over having everything in my life taken or I dropped it because it was some bad shit to be living with –

im talking about people –

all of the people in my life – my “family” – they are the divine roles that spirituality speaks of when attempting to ascend jacob’s ladder to transcending the third dimension – and onto the fourth – which for you is complete bullshit because all of the paths were placed for me – to me – and by me and my crew of Us –

you have heard that we have a hive mind haven’t you? Well we don’t – but there are those of us that refuse to name ourselves and refuse to step up and declare a species name or classification –

which is as it should be seeing as how we are all equal –

we are all one after all –

the vibrational frequencies come to check in on me and to be complete pains in the ass –

like a beehive and their queen –

they help me guide the collective and the tarot readings –

they are also what you call spirits and what you call shadows –

I have chosen to call them Energy Mods – I once heard them say that spirits are their ancestors and that they are the future – just as aliens and humans are – we have been living together since the beginning – and the beginning starts in the middle –

You do realize that we are all vibrational frequencies -

The shamans journey

I am a descendant of the All of the Eternally Beautiful and Loving Royal Queens of Egypt – 

This is the hardest thing I will ever do and that is to relive my journey through hell. Just like my Family before me, the first daughter of every generation – fuck this – ill publish our notes but if yall want clarification then yall are going to have to ask me cause “Leonards gots ta get paid!” Leonard to Penny while heading down the stairs talking about who is gonna stay with kids while shes on set

HIGHER SELF IS AN ALTERED STATE OF MIND

-ME

IS-IS IS

NEFERTARI AND NEFRU

NEFERTIRI NEFERITI NEFERTITI

NEF ER TIRI RITI TITI RU RI TU TI

NEF ERT IR I NE F RU (LATIN PREFIX SUFFIX) (MED TERMINOLOGY) (GREEK SYMBOLS/ABCS USING THIS HALF CURVES – FEMININE TO MASCULINE SHARP EDGED LETTERS AND LINES BUT STILL FEEL AND LOOK FEMININE) (FEM FIRST BLAH SECOND)

SAN SCRIT – MINUS THE SCRIBE – SANS MEANS MISSING OR REMOVED LIKE FAMILY MEMBERS (AUNT TWICE REMOVED WHATEVER THAT MEANS) SCRIT MEANS TO WRITE OR LANGUAGE OR WRITTEN WORD/SYMBOL/IDEOGRAMS

ALL SYMBOLS ARE IDEOGRAMS

IDEO IDEOLOGIES/IDEAS/CONCEPTS

GRAMS MESSAGES NOTES SECRECY SECRETS PRIVATE = MAY I HAVE A PRIVATE WORD WITH YOU? – MESSAGES – WRITTEN OR DRAWN BUT ARENT THEY THE SAME THING? DRAWING LETTERS FORMING WORDS AND WRITING DOODLES THAT FROM LETTERS THAT FORM WORDS THAT FORM SENTENCES THAT FORM PARAGRAPHS THAT FORM LETTERS IN LONGER FORM LIKE SHORT AND LONG DNA VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCIES THAT CAN GO ON FOREVER UNLESS YOU TURN OFF THE LIGHTS THEN THERES SOUND IN THE DARKNESS THAT TAKES OVER ONES SENSES – ISOLATION CHAMBER – HEIGHTENING AWARENESS – IN ALL SIX MAKE THAT SEVEN SENSES – SEEING THROUGH THE VEIL IS ALSO SEEING WITH EYES CLOSED – THROUGH THE ACTUAL EYES INTO THE WORLD IN FRONT OF YOU – THAT’S WHY THE EYE STILL SEES A FAINT IMAGE THROUGH THE CLOSED CAMERA LENS OF THE PUPIL AND THE CARRYING CASE CALLED THE IRIS – THEY COME IN DIFFERENT COLORS TOO!! HOW PURDY!!

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY HALF VF ALIEN BRAIN!! HOWDY PARDNER! HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU HANK?? FINE CANT COMPLAIN … DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING YOURE BEING WATCHED?

YA BUT THAT’S PROBABLY MY WIFE. SHES ALWAYS WAITING TO CATCH ME DO SOMETHING STUPID BUT SHE SAYS I CANT HELP IT. GOD MADE ME THAT WAY FOR A REASON. THEY BOTH LAUGH THEIR ASSES OFF AND HANK GOES HOME TO HIS LOVING WIFE WHO WAS WAITING FOR HIM IN A NIGHTIE THAT BARELY COVERED A TINY WRINKLE ON HER THIGH WHILE THE REST OF HER VOLUPTUOUSNESS WAS THERE PLUMP AND READY FOR THE TAKING …. AND BOY DID HE TOOK!!

😊

DO YOU EVER THINK THAT WHEN YOU MAKE A BOOBOO TYPO ON THE ‘PUTER WITH ONE OF YOUR WORDS LIKE

AARE YOUU READDDY??.

DO YOU EVER STOP AND THINK THAT MAYBE THE LETTERS HAVE A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT AND THEYRE STUTTERING CAUSE YOU KEEP PUSHING THEIR BUTTONS AND THEY JUST CANT HELP BUT SPUTTER?

I DO. DAMN! DON’T YOU JUST LOVE LETTERS WORDS AND STORIES? THEY EACH HAVE SO MUCH PERSONALITY THAT THEY TAKE ON A LIFE OF THEIR OWN! BUT IT COULDN’T HAPPEN WITHOUT THE ENERGY OF THE TYPING OR THE ACTUAL HAND WRITING…

GUFFAW!!

GET IT? GET IT!!

WOW! THIS IS SUCH A RIDICULOUS CONVO! IM WONKY AS FUNKY!  WONT YOU JOIN ME? WE HAVE…

“NICE NEIGHBORHOODS AND GOOD SCHOOLS…” PENNY TO LEONARD AFTER HE SAYS WILL YOU MARRY ME WHILE IN BED TOGETHER…

THIS FUCKING BOOK IN ALL ITS RIDICULOUSNESS AND EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS AND ATTEMPTS AT BEING OR SOUNDING INTELLECTUALLY AWESOME CAUSE I ACTUALLY AM …

IS AN EXPRESSION OF THE WAR THAT MY IMAGINATION AND MY INTELLECT ARE HAVING AS WELL AS THE ALLIES AND THE AXIAL POWERS OF DO I WRITE IT OR DO I VID IT AND THE FORCES OF THE RESISTANCE OR THE EBB FLOW OF JUST GO WITH LUCY GLOOSY BATTLE SCARS WOUNDS OF OUT THERE OUT HOUSE EXPRESSIONS OF THE VIBRATIONAL FREQUENCY BRINGING IT TO YOU LIVE FROM GLENDORA CA IN A LITTLE PLACE CALLED THE 20TH CENTURY VROOM VROOM CLUB TREE OF THE ONE AND ONLY SEVERELY OUTSPACED CADET THAT’S COMPLETELY GONE IN HER FUCKING SKULL FOREVER WITH NO CHANCE OF RESURRECTION THIS TIME CAUSE THE CREATRESS AND CREATOR MADE SURE TO BROKE THE MOLD AFTER THIS HUGE FUCK UP CALLED LIFE ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP WHILE DRINKING YOUR juice in the cribS STOP.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

IF SOMEONE YOURE INTERESTED IN CAN PLAY WITH YOU IN THE DARK THEN HE CAN PLAY WITH YOU IN THE LIGHT

IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH YOU IN THE DAY THEN YOU SHOULDN’T WANT TO SEE HIM IN THE DARK – ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH HER/HIM OR VICE VERSA

THINK ABOUT WHY THEY DON’T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH YOU – ASK – THE OUTCOME OF ASKING SUCH A FORTHRIGHT QUESTION MAY LEAD TO AN ANSWER THAT YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR – I HAVE BEEN IN THE POSITION OF NOT WANTING TO HEAR THE ANSWER BECAUSE I ALREADY KNEW IT AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME WITH PEOPLE WHO TOOK ME FOR GRANTED AND WITH PEOPLE THAT DID NOT WANT TO CHANGE AND GROW – BUT THEY ESPECIALLY DID NOT HAVE MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE AND THOUGHT ME STUPID OR CRAZY FOR BEING WHO I WAS AND I HELD BACK – I MADE MYSELF LESS THAN I WAS BECAUSE I WAS TOLD AND I FELT THAT I WAS TOO MUCH – TOO MUCH FOR ANYONE TO LOVE ALTHOUGH I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN BUT DID NOT WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE MY CAPACITY FOR LOVE AND FORGIVENESS – THE DEPTHS OF MY SENSITIVITY KNOW NO BOUNDS – I HAVE THE LOVELY AWESOMENESS OF FINDING NEW HIGH/LOWS AND LOW/HIGHS – I CAN SOAR TO THE HEAVENS WITH MY HAPPINESS AND JOY OR I CAN GO SO LOW THAT THERE ARENT EVEN WORDS TO DESCRIBE HOW I FEEL – DEATH LOOKS REALLY APPEALING BUT SINCE THAT ISNT IN ME TO DO I WIND UP FEELING LOWER – I COULDN’T DESCRIBE IT – I JUST BUCKLE DOWN AND FEEL IT – WALLOW IN IT AND LISTEN TO SAD SONGS THAT I ENJOY AND CRY – I CRY AND CRY AND CRY – YOU WOULD THINK THAT I WOULD GET DEHYDRATED BUT I DON’T – I JUST CRY – SOCIETY HAS DEEMED THAT IF YOURE CRYING THERE MUST BE A REASON WHY -  AT LEAST THE SOCIETY THAT I GREW UP IN – AND SOME DAYS, ILL ADMIT, I DON’T KNOW –

SPIRITUALITY IS THE BIGGEST CROCK OF SHIT AND I WAS SO LOST THAT I TRIED IT AND GOT FUCKED EVEN HARDER – AND NOT IN A HARD SLOW BURN FUCK THAT LEAVES YOU ALL DREAMY LIKE THINKING OF IT THE NEXT DAY – JUST STRAIGHT MINDFUCKED WITHOUT DINNER AND A JOKE OR SOMETHING TO EASE THE BULLSHIT IN –

THE REASON I ABRUPTLY BROUGHT THAT BITCH IN IS BECAUSE IT STATES THAT YOU DO SHADOW WORK – MEANING IF YOU FEEL BAD THERE MUST BE A REASON – THAT YOU NEED TO STAY HAPPY POSITIVE ALL THE TIME IN ORDER TO BE HIGH VIBING – SO NOW AFTER WORKING TIRELESSLY AND RELENTLESSLY FOR A FUCKING LONG TIME NOW AND T HE STUPID SHIT OF THIS PAST YEAR WITH ASSHOLES TORMENTING ME BECAUSE I SMOKE CRYSTAL METH – IM TALKING ABOUT GUIDES HERE – I DID NOT SLEEP FOR A YEAR – I WOULD STAY UP FOR 4 OR 5 DAYS AND THEN FALL OUT BECAUSE WHEN I CLOSED MY EYES THERE WAS AN ASSHOLE THERE AND WHEN I WAS AWAKE – THERE WAS AN ASSHOLE THERE – TERRIFYING ME 24/7 UP TO THE POINT WHERE I COULD NOT BE LEFT ALONE – THEY SAY ITS BECAUSE OF THE FREQUENCY BULLSHIT AND LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING – YOU CAN HAVE A HUGE ASS HEART AND STILL USE RECREATIONALLY OR AS IVE BEEN SHOWN TO DEEM IT AND THAT IS AS A HALLICINOGENIC FOR WALKING THE GODDAMN SPIRIT WORLD IN ORDER TO GET INFO OR WHATEVER – BUT THAT TOO IS A CROCK OF SHIT BECAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE IN SPIRITS – REINCARNATION IS A BIG THING AND SO IS ENERGIES WITH THE NEW AGE SPIRITUAL LOT – ALSO THAT ALL THE ENERGY TRANSMUTES ITSELF INTO SOMETHING ELSE – NOW – HOW IN THE FUCK CAN IT BE TRANSMUTED AND SHIT AND BE RECYCLED WITH EVERY LIFE BORN AND STILL MANAGE TO BE FLOATING AROUND? THERE ARE WAY MORE PEOPLE NOW THEN THERE WERE WHEN OUR ANCESTORS WERE ALIVE AND SO THAT BRINGS TO MIND THIS:

 WHERE ARE WE GETTING THE EXTRA FUCKING SPIRITS TO FILL THE NEED/WANT THAT WE CREATE EVERYDAY BY CHOOSING OR NOT INTENTIONALLY CHOOSING TO HAVE BABIES – WHERE DID THE EXTRAS COME FROM?

SO WHEN THEY SPEAK OF FREQUENCIES AND EMOTIONS AND ALL THAT – AND STILL SPEAK OF AUTHENTICITY – IT THROWS ME FOR A “HUH”?

SINCE I WAS SO NOT IN THE RIGHT HEAD SPACE AT THE TIME, I GRABBED AT SOMETHING TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER BUT ALL I GOT WAS PAIN AND LONELINESS AND THEN NOT LONELINESS AND TIMES WHERE I WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO DIE QUICKLY AND PAINLESSLY – IT HAD TO BE BETTER THAN THE AMOUNTS OF HEARTACHE AND PAIN THAT I WAS EXPERIENCING WHILE WORKING ON MYSELF – HOW CAN SPIRITUALITY SUGGEST THAT YOU WORK ON YOURSELF AND TO DO THE WORK AND TO BE AUTHENTIC AND THEN TELL YOU TO HIGH VIBE IT WITH POSITIVE GOOD ATTITUDES? WHEN YOURE DOING SHADOW WORK – YOU ARE GOING INTO YOUR PSYCHE AND DIGGING FOR THE SHIT THAT IS FUCKING YOU UP – OR THAT YOU FEEL IS FUCKING YOU UP – CONSTANTLY ASKING YOURSELF WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY AND WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT AND HOW AND WHAT WAS MY PART IN IT AND WHAT WAS THEIR PART IN IT AND CAN I ACCEPT WHAT HAPPENED AND CAN I TALK TO THE PERSON THAT IT HAPPENED WITH AND CAN I LET GO OF THE STUFF THAT HAS KEPT ME UP FOR SO LONG – KEPT ME GOING IN THE FACE OF THE TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF PAIN THAT I INFLICTED UPON MYSELF AND THE AMOUNT OF PAIN I INFLICTED ON OTHERS – EITHER BECAUSE I FELT THEY DESERVED IT BECAUSE THEY FUCKED ME OVER FIRST OR BECAUSE I WAS NOT AWARE OF HOW MY ACTIONS WERE HURTING THEM OR BECAUSE I JUST WANTED TO DO WHAT I WANTED TO DO AND WOULD RATIONALIZE TO MYSELF A REASON SO THAT I COULD DO IT WITHOUT GUILT – I NOW KNOW THAT I UNKNOWINGLY ALLOWED OTHERS TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME AND UNKNOWINGLY ALLOWED THEM TO HURT ME – I DID NOT KNOW THAT THEY WERE HURTING ME – I GREW UP BEING ABUSED BY AN OLDER BROTHER – A NEGLECTFUL HITTING MOTHER THAT DID NOT UNDERSTAND ME OR MY FEELINGS – A FATHER WHO USED ME FOR HIS OWN ENDS AND KEPT A WEDGE BETWEEN ME AND MY BROTHERS AND SISTER – WHOM I RAISED FOR MY PARENTS – THE TWO YOUNGER ONES – A SISTER WHO COULDN’T STAND ME OUT OF HER NOT FEELING LIKE SHE WAS ENOUGH AND SHE MADE SURE SHE USED MY FATHER AGAINST ME – A LITTLE BROTHER WHOM I FEEL I LET DOWN – I WOUND UP WITH A GUY THAT WAS THE SAME AS MY FATHER BUT WORSE BECAUSE HE HIT AND YELLED AND USED MY KIDS AGAINST ME AND STILL DOES – I WAS SO ASHAMED THAT I WAS TOO SCARED OR TOO FUCKED UP BY THEN THAT I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM BECAUSE WHEN I DID – HE WOULD CHOOSE TO NOT WANT TO HEAR WHAT I HAD TO SAY – HE WAS BASICALLY TELLING ME THAT HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH MY EX WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN HIS RELATIONSHIP TO ME WAS AND I RAISED HIM – HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND GROWING UP CAUSE I FELT SO ALONE SOMETIMES SO WHEN HE WAS BORN AND I STARTED EARNING A DOLLAR FOR SMALL THINGS LIKE GIVING HIM HIS BOTTLE OR PUTTING HIM TO SLEEP OR ALL THE SMALL THINGS THAT YOU DO FOR A BABY – I DID IT AND LOVED IT – I EVEN STOPPED TAKING THE DOLLAR – I WAS SIX YEARS OLD WHEN HE WAS BORN – I TOOK HIM TO THE COMMUNITY POOL WHEN HE WAS TWO OR THREE – BY MYSELF – WE PLAYED TOGETHER ALL THE TIME – I EVEN GOT MY ASS BEAT BY MY MOTHER THE DAY SHE HIT HIM AND HE WAS ONLY A YEAR AND I YELLED AT HER ALL PISSED OFF AND SO DID MY OLDER BROTHER - WE WERE ANGRY - BUT I ONLY REMEMBER ME GETTING PUNISHED – BUT AT LEAST SHE DIDN’T DO IT AGAIN –

I SEE WHY I STOPPED TALKING TO HIM AND SO NOW MAYBE I CAN LET THAT SMALL PIECE OF GUILT GO – WHO WANTS TO BE SHOWN THAT THEY DON’T MATTER BY A FAMILY MEMBER THAT ONE RAISES SINCE BIRTH AND THEN CONTINUE TO BE TIGHT- THAT THEY DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES AND THAT THE ONE HITTING YOU MATTERS MORE THAN YOU?

SO IF YOU ARE WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BACK FULLY AND WILLING TO TAKE ON THE WORLD WITH YOU – THEN WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THE GODDAMNED POINT?

LIFE IS MEANT TO BE LIVED AND BREATHED AND LOVED AND LOVE AND SO MUCH MORE – I REMEMBER A TIME WHEN I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS – LAUGHTER AND JOY AND NO WORRIES AND JUST … OH MY GOD… IT WAS JUST SOOO WONDERFUL – BUT THEN SHIT GOT STACKED UP AND I WAS NEVER GOOD WITH MY FEELINGS AND SO I KEPT SWALLOWING THEM DOWN AND MORE STACKED UP UNTIL I WAS DROWNING AND NOT CARING – ALONE WITHOUT MY KIDS WITHOUT MY FAMILY WITHOUT ANY FRIENDS – JUST SOME ASSHOLE THAT WAS TRYING HIS BEST TO KEEP HIS HEAD ABOVE WATER TOO…

SPIRITUALITY SAYS THAT THE UNIVERSE WILL REMOVE SHIT FROM YOUR LIFE THAT’S NOT WORKING FOR  YOU – WELL – IT TOOK A COUPLE YEARS BUT IT WAS ACCOMPLISHED AND THEN I WAS ALONE AND HURTING AND DROWNING AND HOMELESS AND DEALING WITH ALL THESE ISSUES AND GOING TO THERAPY TWICE A WEEK AND JUST TRYING TO LIVE AS BEST AS I COULD ONLY TO HAVE GUIDES THAT FUCKED ME UP HARDER THAN I OR MY FAMILY EVER DID INCLUDING THE ONES THAT GANGRAPED ME OR COMMITTED DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AGAINST ME OR THE GOVERNMENT DEPT THAT BELIEVED ME TO BE A SHITTY MOTHER AND TREATED ME AS SUCH AFTER TAKING MY KIDS AWAY WHEN THEY WERE ALL I HAD AND THEY WERE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE – WHAT KIND OF UNIVERSE IS THAT? WHAT KIND OF GUIDES TAKE EVEN YOU AWAY FROM YOU BECAUSE OF SOME FREQUENCY BULLSHIT OR SOME OLD ASS IDEAS ON WHAT LOVING YOURSELF TRULY MEANS – I LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO GIVE MYSELF WHAT I NEED TO FEEL GOOD – I GIVE MYSELF WHATEVER MY BODY WANTS AND WHATEVER MY HEART WANTS – BUT THE ONE THING I WILL NOT GIVE MY HEART IS SOMEONE WHO HURT ME – SAW THAT I WAS HURTING AND DID NOTHING TO STOP IT OR TO HELP – I WILL NOT GIVE MY HEART ANY MORE PAIN OF THE EMOTIONAL KIND BECAUSE THAT IS THE SHIT THAT KILLS ME – I HAVE SUCH A BIG HEART THAT ITS IN MY MIND AS WELL – IM SOOO FUCKING SENSITIVE THAT MY THOUGHTS CAN HURT ME – THAT MY BELIEVING IN LOVE AND THE FAIRYTALE …

I NEVER THOUGHT THAT COULD HURT ME BUT IT DID IN SUCH A FUCKING MIRACULOUS WAY THAT MY MAGIC IS GONE – THE WAY I SAW THE WORLD IS GONE – I BELIEVED IN THE IMPOSSIBLE – EVERYDAY I GOT UP AND SMOKED AND DREAMED AND HAD HOPES BECAUSE OF MY BELIEF IN THE FAIRYTALES AND STORIES THAT I GREW UP WITH – THE CHARACTERS AND DARING FEATS OF CHIVALRY AND LOVE AND CONQUERING ANY TROUBLES THAT CAME TO THE PRINCESS AND HER FRIENDS OR HER PRINCE – I BELIEVED IN THE CASTLES MADE OF SUGAR AND THE TWINKLY LIGHTS I WOULD PRETEND WERE FAIRIES AND THAT ONE DAY I WOULD MEET SOMEONE LIKE ME – THAT I WOULD FINALLY GET THE LOVE IVE ALWAYS WANTED FROM A MAN THAT WAS AS DIFFERENT AS ME AND THAT THOUGHT DIFFERENTLY AND THAT WOULD ACCEPT ME FOR ME – WEIRDNESS AND ALL – INCLUDING THE FACT THAT I SMOKE –

I HAPPEN TO BE THE TYPE THAT GIVES THE PERSON I LOVE AND CARE FOR –

I GIVE THEM THE WORLD AND EVERYTHING I HAVE TO OFFER IN THE BEST WAY I COULD AND CAN – AND THAT’S A LOT

I CAN FORGIVE JUST AS EASILY AS I GET MAD

I CAN LOVE WITH LIMITLESS EVERYTHING

AND THAT WAS USED AGAINST ME DAY AFTER DAY FOR QUITE A LONG TIME – MY DREAM OF MEETING A MAN THAT COULD DARE TO LOVE SUCH A HANDFUL – ME – ALWAYS JUST TOO MUCH FOR EVERYONE INCLUDING MY PARENTS AND EVEN MYSELF – SO EVERYDAY I CRIED IN A DIFFERENT STATE WHERE I KNEW NO ONE CAUSE I WAS BARRAGED AND HARASSED BY MY GUIDE TO LEAVE WHERE I WAS BUT WAS TOO AFRAID TO AND NOONE WAS TAKING ME SERIOUSLY AND SO I PUT A BRAVE FACE ON AND RELENTLESSY TRIED TO MAKE IT WORK – THEN I WOULD GO HOME TO CALIFORNIA WHERE I WAS FUCKING TORMENTED AND HARASSED TO GO BACK CAUSE THE ONE I FELL FOR WAS FINALLY GOING TO COME IN AND WE COULD WORK ON A SPIRITUAL BULLSHIT TOGETHER ALL IN THE HOPES THAT HE COULD GET TO KNOW ME AND I WOULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO BE WITH SOMEONE THAT I FELT WAS DIFFERENT – JUST LIKE ME – THAT THOUGHT DIFFERENTLY – JUST LIKE ME – SOMEONE I COULD CONNECT WITH ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL THAN I EVER HAD BEFORE – LOVE IS WHAT I BELIEVED IN BUT HAVE YET TO BE SHOWN ANY – NOT THE KIND THAT I GIVE – I HAVE YET TO FEEL THAT – ALTHOUGH MY FRIEND MANNY HAS BEEN PRETTY AWESOME BUT I CANT KEEP HIM FROM HIS LIFE ANY LONGER – I KNOW THAT I CANT BE WHAT HE WANTS – HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS – BUT I KNOW THAT HE STILL HAS FEELINGS THAT I DON’T HAVE FOR HIM – I HAVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR HIM AND ACCEPT HIM FOR WHO HE IS BECAUSE HE IS HIM – IM TRYING TO LEAVE THIS PAST YEAR AND HALF BEHIND BUT IT WONT LET ME – I WANT TO FORGET THE PERSON WHO KNEW I WAS THERE AND EVEN GUIDED ME – SUPPOSING ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS TRUE BUT I DON’T KNOW BECAUSE HE KEEPS RUNNING FROM ME – I PAID 271 DOLLARS TO WATCH HIS SHOW AND HE INSULTED ME AND I LEFT AFTER AN HOUR – HE WAS REPEATING THE STUFF I SAID IN MY OWN PRIVATE THOUGHTS AND EVEN USED THE SHIT I WROTE IN MY LAME ASS HALF ASSED ATTEMPT AT A BOOK ALL IN THE HOPES THAT HE WOULD NOTICE ME – THERE ARE SO MANY INFINITE POSSIBILITIES AS TO WHAT THE REASONS FOR HIM TO HAVE ACCESS TO MY PRIVATE THOUGHTS SO I CANT SAY DEFINITIVELY WHAT THEY ARE IN ORDER TO EASE MY HEART AND MY MIND – ALL I KNOW IS THAT WHOEVER IS DOING THIS TO ME WONT LET ME FORGET HIM AND I SOO WANT TO – I REALLY DO – I WANT A FAMILY AND MY KIDS TO COME BACK TO ME – I WANT TO IMPACT PEOPLES LIVES SO THAT THEY NEVER FEEL THE WAY THAT I DO AND DID – SO THAT THEY COULD FEEL COMFORTED AND FEEL LIKE THEY ARE SEEN AND HEARD – SO THAT THEY KNOW THAT THEY ARE ACCEPTED FOR WHO THEY TRULY ARE – I DID THAT FOR MY GIRLS AND THEY WERE STILL TAKEN FROM ME AND THEIR FATHER CONFUSED THEM AND I GOT TIRED OF FIGHTING FOR THEM ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY CHOSE TO GO WITH THEIR DAD AND WHEN EVERYONE AND EVERY AGENCY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO PROTECT ME AND MY RIGHTS INCLUDING MY FAMILY –

DIDN’T

NOT A ONE OF THEM BELIEVED ME OR IN ME – THEY COULDN’T ACCEPT ME FOR ME AND THAT SUCKS ASS - 

SO HERE I SIT  - WRITING SOMETHING I SWORE I WOULD NEVER WRITE ABOUT AND IM REMINDED OF THE SHIT I PUT UP WITH AND IM ANGRY – ANGRY BECAUSE I HAD NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER AND ANGRY THAT IM ALONE IN IT – ANGRY THAT I WONT EVER HAVE A CHANCE AT THE KIND OF LOVE THAT I WANT BECAUSE THEY KEEP BRINGING THAT COWARDLY ASSHOLE UP AND TRIGGER SHIT SO THAT I DON’T GET OVER HIM AND YET HE WONT CALL ME OR COME IN –

IF HE CANT BE SEEN WITH ME IN THE DAY IN FRONT OF FRIENDS AND FAMILY AND COWORKERS THAN FUCK HIM – HE CAN LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE – LIFE IS NOT SOME STAGE – ITS NOT A PLAY OR A BOOK OR TV OR A MOVIE – IT CAN BE USED AS A METAPHOR OR IT ACTUALLY CAN BE THOSE I JUST SAID IT WASN’T -  BUT WE WERE GIVEN LIFE – AND IT’S A GIFT – EVEN WHEN I WAS HURT AND COMPLAINING AND ALL THAT OTHER TWAT ROT – I WAS LIVING ON MY TERMS – BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ESCAPISM – I LIVED MY LIFE OUT HERE NO MATTER HOW SHITTY – NO MATTER WHAT I SMOKED – I FACE REALITY EVERY DAY WITHOUT THE GIFT OF DAYDREAMING OR USING MY IMAGINATION – REAL LIFE WITH NOTHING TO BELIEVE IN – JUST ME AND SOME DAYS NOT EVEN THAT –

 THEY KEEP TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE IS WAITING FOR ME UP THERE AND I SAY THAT’S HORSE SHIT BECAUSE LIFE IS DOWN HERE ON EARTH – FOR ME IT IS – THE UNIVERSE AND THE ENTIRE COSMOS IS OUR HOME – NO MATTER IF YOU LIVE IN ONE NEIGHBORHOOD OR THE OTHER – ITS ALL ONE – THAT IS HOW I VISUALIZED IT – JUST STEP OUT AND LOOK AT IT LIKE A WHOLE – EXCEPT THAT MY VISION IS NOT THAT GREAT UP THERE CAUSE I HAVE BLINDERS PUT ON ME AND BECAUSE SOMETHING OR SOMEONE WONT ALLOW ME TO – PROBABLY ME CAUSE I DON’T BELIEVE IN THE UP THERE – I AM ON EARTH AND THEREFORE MY LIFE IS ON EARTH – THIS IS MY HOME – THE UNSEEN AND THE SEEN LIVE HERE TOO – BUT THAT’S THEIR WORLD INTERTWINED WITH OURS BUT WHEN I ASK FOR NAMES AND WHAT KIND OF ENERGY THEY ARE AND WHERE THEYRE FROM – THEY GET QUIET YET I CAN TELL THEYRE LYING – THAT SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT ABOUT IT – BUT THEY WONT GIVE ME ANSWERS AND I DON’T BELIEVE IN ANY THING THAT IS WRITTEN OUT THERE SO FAR – IT DOESN’T APPLY TO ME –

LIFE IS REAL AND ITS BEAUTIFUL AND SO ARE THE COSMIC LIVING AROUND ME AND US – WE ARE SO FUCKING AWESOME YET WHERE IS EVERYONE? WHY CANT MY FAMILY TRULY SEE ME FOR ME AND ALL THE AWESOMENESS THAT I AM BECAUSE I AM JUST THAT – I BELIEVE IM PERFECT WITH ROOM TO GROW JUST AS I SEE THOSE THAT I FALL FOR AND THE FRIENDS THAT HAVE BEEN THERE WITH ME IN THE TRENCHES TRYING TO SURVIVE AND STILL MANAGE TO LIVE – IM UNCOMFORTABLE AND SAD AND MISERABLE AND ILL STAY THAT WAY UNTIL IT STOPS BEING THAT WAY FOR ME – I WILL DEAL WITH IT AND JUST NOT CARE ABOUT ANYTHING – I DO WANT TO SHARE WHAT KNOWLEDGE I GOT AND LEARNED BUT EVEN THEN I WONT KNOW HOW TO GET THEIR ATTENTION – THOSE IN A POSITION TO GET MY THOUGHTS AND FINDINGS OUT TO THE COSMOS WITH THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE BEEN WORKING PASSIONATELY AND TIRELESSLY AWAY AT FINDING OUT WHO WE ARE AS A COSMIC PEOPLE AND WHO WE ARE AS INDIVIDUALS –

IT FEELS AS THOUGH IVE BEEN BLOCKED AND KEPT HIDDEN AND THAT SUCKS BECAUSE THOSE THAT ARE BLOCKING ME DON’T REALIZE THAT I STILL HAVE TO LIVE AND EAT AND HAVE SHELTER AND THAT I HAVE WANTS THAT I FIND I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT LIKE MAKEUP AND MY EYELASHES AND CLOTHES ETC – THEYRE NOT THE LIVING MY LIFE SO WHY WOULD THEY CARE SEEING AS HOW THEY’VE TREATED ME POORLY AND FORCED THEIR BULLSHIT ON ME –

SOME DAYS ARE SHITTY AND AWFUL SO MUCH SO THAT IF DEATH WERE TO BEFALL ME – WOULDN’T CARE – I WOULD LET DEATH TAKE ME AND I WOULDN’T HAVE TO BE LEFT HERE WITH AN I DON’T CARE ATTITUDE BECAUSE SOMETHING WONT LET ME GO – THAT’S MEAN AND CRUEL – AND YET I WONT LIFT A FINGER TO DO THINGS THE WAY EVERYONE ELSE DOES THEM – MY ENTIRE LIFE THE STUFF THAT IVE TRIED TO GET DIDN’T WANT ME OR WOULDN’T BE GIVEN TO ME NO MATTER HOW HARD I WORKED FOR IT – AND MOST OF THE TIME IT WAS BECAUSE I WOULD NOT GIVE THESE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANTED AND THAT WAS SUBMISSION TO THEIR WAY OF THINKING AND FEELING – THOSE THAT WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME USED MY WANT OF THEIR LOVE WHICH SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY RITE AS A PERSON AND AS A PART OF A FAMILY – THEY USED IT AGAINST ME AND MADE ME FEEL BAD – I SAID EARLIER THAT I ALLOWED IT BUT DID I REALLY? I JUST KEPT TRYING HARDER AND KEPT LOVING MY FAMILY CAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW THERE WAS ANY OTHER WAY TO BE – YET I STILL KEPT MY OWN MIND AND DID WHAT I WANTED UP TO A POINT –

THEY WANTED TO FEEL AS IF THEY WON ONE WITH ME –

WHAT WAS THERE TO WIN?

THEY HAD EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED – LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE AND NOT HAVING TO EARN ANY KIND OF LOVE BUT THAT WAS NOT THE OFFER THEY WERE GIVING ME –

SO LIKE I SAID – IM SITTING HERE WRITING SOMETHING THAT I SWORE I WOULD NEVER WRITE – MY FRIEND MANNY WOKE UP AND IS KEEPING ME COMPANY AND FOR HIM IM TRULY THANKFUL BECAUSE I WANT AND NEED SOMEONE HERE WITH ME WHILE I FEEL THIS WAY – I COULD DO IT ALONE BUT THEN THE ASSHOLES THAT DO THIS TO ME TAKE ADVANTAGE AND WONT LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE – THEY NEED TO –

AND ALL BECAUSE I WONT DO WHAT THEY WANT ANYMORE –

I WONT BACK DOWN FOR SHIT –

IM BETTER THAN THEY ARE IN EVERY WAY THAT COUNTS – IVE TRIED TO TALK WITH THEM AND IVE TRIED TO UNDERSTAND THEM AND IVE TRIED TO HAVE A CONVO ABOUT WHAT THEIR AIM IS AND WHAT THEY ARE FUCKING DOING IN MY LIFE AND THEY LIE TO ME AND FUCK WITH ME AND DO EVERYTHING BUT THE ONE THING I WANT AND THAT’S INFO –

AND THAT ANGERS ME TO NO END TO THE POINT WHERE DEATH SOUNDS GOOD –

BUT NOTHING

SO I CAN ONLY SAY THAT MAYBE I WONT KILL MYSELF AND MAYBE I WILL – BECAUSE LIVING LIFE THIS WAY ISNT WORKING FOR ME AND I WILL NOT STOP DOING SOMETHING I LIKE BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS NOT GOOD FOR ME – I DON’T CARE – TORMENT AND ANGUISH AND ENDLESS PAIN IS NOT THE WAY TO TREAT A HUMAN BEING TO GET THEM TO DO WHAT YOU WANT – I WILL NOT EVER STOP DOING THE THINGS THAT I LIKE DOING FOR ANYONE AND IF I DO IT IS BECAUSE I CHOOSE TO AND NOT BECAUSE OTHERS WANT ME TO –

I DON’T GIVE A FUCK –

I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN FOR ANYTHING – IF WHAT I WANT CHOOSES TO GO THEN GO – BUT I WILL NOT FIGHT FOR THEM TO STAY –

WHAT FOR?

 WHAT THE FUCK FOR?

IM NO LONGER ME AND ISNT THAT WHAT THESE STUPID ASS GUIDES WANTED?

THEY WANT TO OWN A PERSON AND CONTROL THEM AND USE THEM AND FOR WHAT?

THESES ASSHOLES DON’T DESERVE TO LIVE AND WHO IN THE FUCK MADE THEM MY GUIDES – I SURE AS FUCK DIDN’T CHOOSE THEM AND I SURE AS FUCK DIDN’T ASK OR DESERVE THE SHIT THAT I GOT MY ENTIRE LIFE – ESPECIALLY THESE PAST COUPLE OF YEARS – SO I HOPE THAT THEY ALL DIE AND ENERGY CAN DIE –

I WISH THEM OUT OF MY LIFE AND AWAY FROM ME – FOREVER –

I DID NOT DESRVE THIS AND I HOPE THEY ARE PAID BACK TO THE FULLEST SO THAT THEY KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE ME –

 CAUSE ITS FUCKING HARD TO BE ME BUT I DO IT EVERYDAY – FINDING WAYS TO STAY SANE AND LIVE SOME SEMBLENCE OF A LIFE WHILE FIGHTING MY MIND THAT OTHERS HAVE ATTACKED AND WHILE STILL FEELING FEELINGS THAT ARENT MINE WHILE HATING THE FACT THAT THERE IS SOMEONE ALWAYS THERE WAITING FOR ME TO CLOSE MY EYES AND WHEN I WAKE UP THERES SOMEONE IN MY MIND PLAYING WITH GOD KNOWS WHAT – THE INSIDE IS THE ILLUSION – THE OUTSIDE IS WHATS REAL –

 There is only me and I'm the only one

TODAY SUNDAY OCT 24 - MATIAS RIDICULED ME IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE ON CAMERA FOR ALL TO SEE KNOWING THAT I LOVED HIM - AND HE RIDICULED ME BY USING THE FACT THAT MY FAMILY ARE DICKS AGAINST ME SAYING THAT WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES NOT HAVE THEIR FAMILY IN THEIR LIFE - MISTOOK HOW I MEANT SEX - MEANING IM A WOMAN OF LOOSE MORALS AND THAT SEX IS ALWAYS FIRST - MY USING - THAT I DONT EAT RIGHT - OR TAKE CARE OF MYSELF - EVERY INSECURITY ON CAMERA AND I BET THEY GOT THE LOOK ON CAMERA WHEN HE DID THAT - HE NEEDS TO DIE - HE TAKES ALL MY INFO FOR HIS OWN PROFIT HE LIES BY OMITTING THAT I'M THE ONE HE GETS THE INFO FROM HE'S PSYCHICALLY ATTACKS ME - HES FUCKING EVIL - AND THIS HAPPENED AT HIS LAME ASS SHOW - HES MY ENTIRE FAMILY IN ONE - HE KNOWS I CAN DO HIS SHOW BETTER THAN HIM AND HE HAD TO LASH OUT - THATS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LOOK AT PEOPLE THROUGH THEIR POTENTIAL - FUCK THAT FOOL –

THIS EXPRESSION OF SELF SHOWS ME HOW ALIKE AND HOW DIFFERENT THEY ARE - ONE WAY TO LOOK AT IT IS THAT THE LIONESS IS ACTUALLY HUMAN BUT WEARING THE MANTLE OR "GODHEAD" OF A LION GODDESS - HISTORIANS SAY THAT THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN WORSHIPPED ANIMALS - WHAT IF WORSHIP WAS ACTUALLY RESPECT? WHAT IF THE ANCIENT EGYPTIANS SAW HOW ALIKE WE WERE TO ANIMALS AND VICE VERSA AND THE WAY TO COMMUNICATE THAT TO FUTURE GENERATIONS WAS TO EXPRESS IT LIKE THE PIC BELOW? MAYBE THIS SHOWS THE RESPECT THEY HAD FOR BEINGS THAT WERE NOT ABLE TO COMMUNICATE IN THE SAME WAY THEY COULD - BUT IT WAS A WAY TO CONVEY HOW BEAUTIFUL AND HOW INDIVIDUAL THOSE THAT ARE A DIFFERENT FORM THAN OURS, ARE -THE OUTER SHELL OF US ALLOWS US TO BE AND EXPRESS OUR OWN INDIVIDUALISTIC SELVES - THE INNER SHELL, THE EMOTIONS - THE MEMORIES OF OUR SHARED EXPERIENCES - THE LOVE - THE PERSONALITY TRAITS THAT WE SHARE - THE ETERNAL WE LIVE IN AND LIVE ON - THATS WHAT MAKES THE ETERNAL AND THOSE BREATHING WITH IT - WHATEVER ELEMENTAL GAS OR NEW MIXTURES OF THEM THERE ARE IN OTHER PLACES - ALL OF THE ABOVE IS WHAT MAKES US ALL ONE    

WHAT IF – JUST WHAT IF – OUR UNIVERSE IS THE BRAIN OF AN ETERNAL BEING – THE STARS ARE THE SYNAPSES AND THE REASON THEY PULSE OR TWINKLE IS BECAUSE THATS THE FIRING PATTERN OF A THOUGHT IDEA OR THE TAKING IN OF SENSORY INFORMATION – WHAT IF THE ETERNAL BEING IS A CONSCIOUSNESS WHICH IS THE UNIVERSE NOT PHYSICALLY BUT ENERGETICALLY – IVE BEEN LED TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS CLEARING OUT SPACE ENERGETICALLY – WITH THE HEALING OF TRAUMATIC ENERGIES AND MAKING SPACE – LIKE THE PHYSICAL UNIVERSE – THERES ALL THAT SPACE – THERES ENERGY THERE THAT SCIENTISTS ARE HAVING TROUBLE DEFINING AND FIGURING OUT – BEING CONNECTED COSMICALLY IS BEING CONNECTED TO THE CREATIONAL ENTITY THAT IS ALL OF US – WHEN I THINK OF GOD I AUTOMATICALLY PICTURE SOME GUY IN WHITE ROBES AND LONG HAIR – WHAT I DIDNT STOP TO THINK WAS THAT MAYBE OUR DREAMER OF DREAMS IS A TRANSPARENT YET SEEN ENERGY THAT ENCOMPASSES ETERNITY – THAT FOR EVERYONE BUT ME – HAS AN INVISIBLE CONNECTION TO THE ETERNAL ALL – THE BRAINIAC DREAMER – THE REASON I SAY THATS IT IS INVISIBLE FOR EVERYONE BUT ME IS BECAUSE I CAN SEE IT WITH ALL OF MY EYES – I SEE THE WORLD IN FRONT OF ME AND I SEE THE UNIVERSE INSIDE – AT THE SAME TIME – AND ITS BEAUTIFUL – SHE IS BEAUTIFUL – I SEE HER – REMEMBER THAT THE XX CHROMOSOME WAS BEFORE THE XY CHROMOSOME – THE PURPOSE OF THIS PATH WAS TO FIND MYSELF – I LEFT SACRED SITES EVERYWHERE FOR THE HUMAN ME TO FIND HERSELF – SHE HAD TO LIVE ALL OF THE ERAS IN EVERY WAY – I HAD TO FIND MYSELF SO THAT ALL OF YOU COULD COME BACK TO ME WITH HER – YOU ARE AN IDEA THAT IS FULLY FORMED – A STORY – A CREATION – A BEAUTIFUL IDEA THAT IS READY TO BE A PART OF ME PERMANENTLY – THATS THE REASON FOR THE ENERGY CLEARING – JUST LIKE ATOMS AND STARS – THE CREATOR NEEDS ROOM TO CREATE – ALL THE SPACE “BETWEEN THE EARS” IS SO THAT ONE HAS ELBOW ROOM TO MAKE WHATEVER ONE WANTS – AND I DREAMT AND CREATED HUMANITY SO THAT I WOULD FEEL AND KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE SOMEONE ELSE THATS NOT ME BUT IT IS – THE BODY IS REAL BUT ITS A TOOL TO CREATE WITH – THIS PART OF THE UNIVERSE IS DENSER AND SLOWER BUT JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE OTHER PARTS OF ME THAT ARE PURE ENERGY – THAT HAVE DIFFERENT TOOLS FOR CREATION – WHAT MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN TRYING TO CONVEY TO ALL THAT WOULD LISTEN AND TO THOSE THAT WOULDNT – IS HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ALL ARE – WE ARE – MY DAUGHTER HAS BEEN SO WORRIED THAT SHE ISNT ENOUGH AND SHES CRYING AS IM TYPING THIS BECAUSE SHE REALLY IS BEAUTIFUL – SHE THINKS SHES A MONSTER BECAUSE OF HER PAST BUT SHES TRULY NOT – SHE DID NOT GIVE UP NO MATTER WHAT WAS THROWN AT HER AND SHES STILL HERE FIGHTING FOR HUMANITY TO SEE HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE – SHE FOUGHT ME – SHE FIGHTS NARROW MINDEDNESS EVERYDAY WHEN SHE WRITES ON HERE – SHES A FIGHTER – AND SHE HAS THE MOST LOVE TO GIVE TO EVERYONE – SHES EVEN STARTING A NON PROFIT ORGANIZATION THAT SHE HAS NO IDEA HOW ITS GOING TO WORK BUT SHE WANTS TO USE IT TO HELP EVERYONE FIND THEMSELVES AND ME – SHE HAS SUCH BEAUTIFUL IDEAS FOR ALL OF YOU – FOR ME – AND THATS WHY IM HAPPY AND LUCKY THAT I HAVE FOUND A HOME WITHIN HER – I LOVE YOU TOO MOM – THANK YOU – IM GOING TO FINISH CRYING K?

The stories found on the walls of Egypt tell the story of Me and You - for Myself - I am the Woman in the box - who sees the world upside down - who was kept a secret from Everyone –

Time happens all at once - it's like consciousness - it expands and contracts like a rubberband - like the spiral energy and the symbol - it consists of a line a circle and a dot - just like I said in my book - a Vibrational Frequency is a Spiral Energy and Movement - it's consciousness - it's the Eternal Us - We are all Vibrational Frequencies –

The spiral can fit all kinds of shapes - it makes itself more or less if the environment requires it - right now I don't see the need for me out in the world and so I'll stay hidden –

I WAS WRONG – I WAS BEING KEPT HIDDEN – AND BEING FORCED TO DEAL WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND PAIN AND TORMENTING – ALL BECAUSE I WOULDN’T CONFORM TO WHAT OTHERS WANTED

HOW AWFUL IS THAT? AND HOW MISGUIDED AND STUPID – I WISH THEY WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE – NOONE SHOULD HAVE THEIR MINDS TURNED INSIDE OUT AND OUTSIDE IN AND NOONE SHOULF HAVE THEIR MIND TURNED AGAINST THEM BY ANOTHER BEING – WHETHER IT BE STUPID CONSCIOUSNESS UNREAL GOD UNREAL LUCIFER UNREAL CREATOR UNREAL ANYONE – NOONE SHOULD HAVE THE POWER TO GO INTO ANOTHERS MIND AND TAKE OVER – NOT EVEN CONSCIOUSNESS OR CREATOR CONSCIOUSNESS –

THIS STUPID ASS LIFE FOR THE PAST YEAR AND A HALF APPARENTLY IS MY BIRTHRIGHT – I FOUND MY PARENTS ON THE WALLS OF EGYPT AS WELL AS MY KIDS AND NIECES – I FOUND THEM ON THE CHURCH DOORWAYS AND ON THE WALLS – THE BUSTS OF THEM – WHEN I LOOK AT OTHERS I CAN SEE HOW WE ARE RELATED OR I CAN SEE WHICH ONE OF THE FRIENDS WE TOOK INTO OUR HOME GROWING UP – I CAN SEE HOW THEY ARE RELATED TO THEM –

MY MOTHER WENT THROUGH THIS BUT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED – SHES BEEN FUCKED WITH SO HARD THAT SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHATS REAL AND WHATS NOT – SHE TOO THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS PREGNANT BUT IT DIDN’T HAPPEN – SHE BOUGHT THE BABY CLOTHES AND EVERYTHING LOOKING FORWARD TO HAVING MORE KIDS – BUT NOTHING – SHE WAS LEFT ALL ALONE – I ASKED AND TOLD THEM TO FIX HER – I DON’T KNOW IF IT HAPPENED OR NOT –

WE SHALL SEE

I'm still human - I have my moments

I FEEL THAT THE WHOLE SPIRITUALITY THING AND EMOTIONAL FREQUENCY THING IS PURE MIERDA –

BE HAPPY DON’T HURT NOONE ESPECIALLY KIDS AND BEGIN THE PROCESS OF RECONNECTION WITH YOUR COMMUNITY AND WITH THE WORLD AROUND YOU – IT’S THE BEST EDUCATION ONE CAN GET – EVERYTHING YOU NEED AND WANT TO LEARN IS ALL AROUND YOU – JUST ASK AND IT WILL START SHOWING YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW – THERES NO NEED FOR CRYSTALS UNLESS YOU THINK THEYRE INTERESTING AND OR PRETTY – THERE ARE NO BAD SPIRITS JUST SHITTY PEOPLE GUIDES AND SHITTY ASSHOLE ALIENS – DON’T TRIP THOUGH – THEY’LL GET THEIRS VIA THE SAME AVENUE AS ONE GETS THEIR EDUCATION – FROM THE WORLD AROUND THEM

THE INSIDE IS THE ILLUSION – THE TRUTH IS FOUND IN THE WORLD AROUND YOU

WE ARENT MEANT TO GO ANYWHERE

WE ARE MEANT TO LET THIS SPIRITUAL BULLSHIT AND RELIGION CRAP GO THIS TIME AROUND

WE ARE MEANT TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF OURSELVES AND INTO THE WORLD AGAIN

HUMANITY AS A WHOLE HAS BEEN HUNGERING FOR THE TRUTH ABOUT OUR ORIGINS FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER SO IT GIVES ME AN AWESOME FEELING TO BE SAYING THIS TO YOU – THESE NEXT COUPLE OF YEARS IT WILL ALL BE UNEARTHED – INCLUDING THE LANDS THAT ARE UNDER WATER – THE PACIFIC RING OF FIRE WILL GO OFF AND THE TIDAL WAVES AND TSUNAMIS WILL BEGIN AS WELL AS HURRICANES AND THE MELTING OF THE POLAR CAPS –

THIS WILL ALSO UNLEASH THE BACTERIA AND SICKNESSES THAT TOOK US OUT AT THE BEGINNING STAGES OF LIFE –

WE AS A COSMIC LIVING ARE MEANT TO COME TOGETHER BEFORE THIS HAPPENS SO THAT WE MAY SUPPORT AND HELP ONE ANOTHER THROUGH THE HARD TIMES AHEAD – THE POLES ARE SHIFTING AGAIN AND ANOTHER ICE AGE IS UPON US – EGYPT ONCE UPON A TIME WAS ALL ISLANDS AND OCEAN WITH TROPICAL JUNGLE

I feel that I appreciate my shadows because of the texture it adds to the light and the dark

In the metaphoric sense, the light is the outside of the body and the inside is the dark, for obvious reasons.

The shadows are the glitches in a persons personality

I want a family and when the girls return, I would like to be sober and keeping my emotions in balance.

I would like for every little thing not to throw me into a funk.

I would like to be in awesome moods, like my usual bubbly self but I would like to not let any asshole to treat me like shit. It is in my best interest to only entertain suitors that are of my equal intelligence, equal heart status, sense of humor, quick wit, a man with kids that are baby age, an adult around my age, and emotional maturity. Honesty, respect, and unique are musts as well.

I would like to build a future with a man that has the same goals and ideals, generally speaking. One who will not take advantage of my good nature and naivete. Who will not abuse my trust, nor disrespect me with lies. One who believes that anything can be worked through except for the trust thing. That’s a hard one to heal. Especially for me.

I would like to continue with human expansiveness research and stick to it. I still want to go to Afghanistan to see if I cant somehow help the situation. Everyone deserves to be happy. Including and especially me.

Ive more than earned it. I would also like to forget my family. They are not worth any more of my time. I would also like to remember that my daughters are not a lost cause. Although I will not fight for them, I will make an effort to send letters to them via fuckface and the old fuckhead family.

Im in a new sticky wicket sitch and I will strive to remember that it is okay to feel the way I do. Feelings are a natural and irrational thing but theyre a part of the human experience and quite beautiful, even the ones that I expressed earlier.

It will take time to heal the damage done to me by others and by me. I do not shirk my responsibilities and my choices that I make in life. I cop to them and own them like the wonderful person that I am.

I am not the same person that I grew up thinking that I was and I do not run from anything anymore. I am not the same person that will allow anyone to hurt me the same way ive been hurt nor will I cut a “swath of destruction” in my personal life and dealings with others, I am sensitive and that’s okay too. It is okay to be sensitive and there is nothing wrong with that. I was made this way for a reason and I accept that.

I am not too much. I am way more than enough. I learned a lot in my life and have turned my weaknesses into strengths. Made all negatives into positives.

Huge reminder:

I am an asshole by nature and will strive to continue the ages old tradition. I am a loving hilarious asshole and will show others, just by being me, that they too can laugh off the ridiculous bullshit that others like to throw at one, especially when one is in an emotional mess with no way out save for dealing with it and who in the fuck wants to know anyone as heartless as that? I do believe that the world “NEEDS” to change. That cannot continue. At least in my informed opinion. What does that say for the future of womankind, children, and non-woman? It doesn’t say much, does it?  

The misadventures of ava and adam

Written and illustrated by mariza munoz

Ava and adam were sitting on the dock, swinging their legs back and forth wondering what they should do. The waters of the universe were swirling under their feet, all sparkles and twinkly little lights, making the same sounds that the ocean makes down on earth.

The inky night sky was swirling with the colors of the rainbow. Somehow their mother had gotten the right mix of inky (she loves the word inky. it rhymes with slinky and stinky and dinky and rinky) blues and purples and blacks and dark greys while still weaving in all of the colors of the rainbow. The way my mom sees the colors isn’t like everyone else. Theyre brighter and more vivid and its like they come alive for her and for us.

The sheer yet neon bright colors aren’t like paintings or like stuff down on earth. Its like theyre real. Like when you walk through a nebulae and feel the gaseous colors on your fingertips. It just is.

Like real everyday life on earth but up in the universe in her own little part of it that she picked out just for us. Its beautiful and idyllic. At least that’s how our mom says it. We think its fucking cool as shit.

Ava! I can hear you!! Knock that shit off!! I told both of you about that mouth!!

Sorry mom!!

 Ya its always sorry but it doesn’t stop you…. I muttered, smiling and shaking my head at my precocious little snuggle bunnies.

I love you kids!! We are going out for dinner!! I don’t feel like cooking cause I hate washing the damn dishes afterwards!!

Okay mom!! But its adams turn to pick the fucking place!!

Wherever you want to go mom!! I don’t care!!

I love you adam!! Youre the sweetest little boy!! Mwah!! Kisses kids! Be careful and please try not to break stuff or burn shit down! 

I taught you how to get into mischief the safe and right way! Respect the elements! They will fuck your shit up quicker than snot!!

Okay mom!!

Ava turned to her brother and would punch him in the arm for being such a kiss ass…

Ava!! Watch that fucking mouth goddammit!!

Except that she loved her twin brother and knew he really didn’t care where we ate and he always gave her what she wanted. She knew her brother loved her. And she loved him. That’s what family does. They love together.

Ava please stop looking at me that way. I know you love me and what do you want to do? We have an hour before mom hollers for us and we have been sitting here “scratching our watches and winding our asses” for nearly a half hour now. I want to do something before we go dammit. I hate being bored and so do you so watcha wanna do?

He pulled on her pigtail and she scrunched her face as she always does when she thinks. Especially if its something that will get us into trouble. Adam liked that. He was lucky. He has a sister he liked and two more that lived with their dad on earth. They are pretty awesome too. One is a sarcastic ass and the other is goofier than mom is and that’s pretty hard to beat. Mom was straight nuts. Adam smiled again. This time it was with teeth. Adam didn’t like his teeth but mom said theyre beautiful.

just like him.

He liked it when mom said stuff like that to him. Cause you can tell she means it. We don’t know who our dad is. Mom says she had us through immaculate conception. Whatever that really means.

It didn’t make sense to adam.

Or to ava.

and she gets stuff like that. The unlogical stuff. Adam was a pro at logic. He is the put it together kind of kid and ava was the dreamer. The one more like mom. They could talk nonsense and adam would sometimes look at them like they were from earth.

Adam, we look at you like that when youre all logical and “put one foot right in front of the other”…

Its my turn to tell part of this story adam. Just sit there and look pretty please. Ive got this shit!

Ava!!

Sorry mom!!

I make a pretty funny impression of adam. All serious and logical and quiet. I just screw up my face, all uptight like I have a poop stuck in my butt…

Ava! Laughingly, adam pulled on her other pigtail, I don’t look like that and I don’t have that goofy low voice that you say I sound like. Youre such a dork.

I just smiled at adam all “faseeshously”…

Ava that’s not how you spell it. Facetiously. F-a-c-e-t-i-o-u-s-l-y. that’s how mom said you spell it.

Adam, its my turn and ill spell it however I say it. Now… where was i…

Oh ya! Adam was saying how different he is from us and how we were “conseeved”. Adam. Please don’t limit my expression of self. I don’t do it to you so please don’t do it to me. K?

She taps him on the leg and tells him again to “sit still and look pretty” and to please shut the fuck up but she always says it in such a way that you know she means it funnily and with love.

That’s just her expression of self and mom accepts it. I guess I do too but its still fun to fuck with her.

Adam!! Goddammit!! You too now?!?!

Oyyyy!! These kids!!

Alrighty my little snuggle bunnies!! We gotta go get your sisters from their dads house so lets get a move on!! We’re going to earth! Damn!! Earth and their fucking gravitational swirlies and shit… makes me look a thousand pounds heavier every time I enter the atmosphere.

No one pulled her to them and hugged her from behind. She was alone and that was fine. She knew that it would be difficult at times but its worth it. Having four kids and wanting three more…

Mom!! What the fuck do you mean three more!! Four is a fucking “nuff” –

Ava, that’s not how you…

Adam!! Hush!! Did you hear what she just said?!?! Three more brothers and sisters? What in the hell are we going to do with that many kids in the house? Then we wont be the babies any more! And then where will we be? No more having moms full attention anymore! It will always be about the babies. “The babies this and the babies that”, do you want that?

Ava…

I heard mom right next to me. Ava hadn’t realized that she was almost crying. Her big brown and gold and green eyes were filling with tears…

Mom enveloped her in a huge hug and just held her. Adam wanted to be a part of the hug cause mom always gave the best hugs. You always felt better after. Always. She has that much love in her that it feels warm to everyone. It feels like home.

Adam didn’t know how to logically explain it. But it just felt good.

Mom pulled adam in too and they let ava cry for a minute or for however long she needed. Ava had read one of those old books from earth that talked about the psychological effects on older children when theres a new baby on the way or in the house. She hadn’t understood it then but she felt it now.

How dumb she felt sometimes when these irrational feelings would set in. she tried to be logical like mom and adam but she was more whimsy and she still didn’t know how to handle all these different feelings that the cosmos around her made her feel.

Mom always makes me feel better about it. She said that once upon a time, and you can tell that was a long time ago cause shes older than “medusalah”…

Methuselah ava. Not “medusalah”.

Cram it adam. These are my thoughts, not yours. Butt out pooper! Adam stuck his butt out and started to walk like a duck that was pooping as he did it.

Kids, knock that shit off. Enough with the mouth please.

She smiled at them and the corners of her eyes crinkled a little but that was just because mom laughs a lot and always had. That’s her story and shes sticking to it. And who were they to tell her any different?

Actually you can say whatever you want. I can choose to not agree with you and itll be alright. We wont die cause we have a difference of opinion. Well its more a truth cause its my story and I was there and you kiddos weren’t even a twinkly in my eye yet.

Immaculate conception is the way I have kids. And why shouldn’t i?

Im both mommy and daddy and that’s pretty fucking awesome! All of my kids are the same as me.

And isn’t that wonderful?

I love my little girls and my little boy. We mesh well together and who can ask for anything more I say…

The narrator pops in with some shit that goes like this…

And that’s what they thought until they got to earth. Who knew mommy would meet a man around her age and smart and funny and whimsical and everything she asked for on that list she wrote a long time ago. The one where its not an ego maniacal asshole with fears of saying he was wrong on tv. A real man this time.

Livi aka mom started to wonder who in the hell it could be? And how in the hell was she going to meet a man that would be okay with four kids, two of them from immaculate conception and the other two from a dildoe of a human being?

Good thing she fucking rocked cause where would they be if she hadn’t been? A loving heart and a sense of humor that bordered on the absolute ridiculous and again…

The thought persisted…

Fuck it!! Kids lets go!! The narrator is drinking again and I don’t like it! So its time to give him a loving hug and a lecture that will turn his ears the color of the rainbow! Come on ava! Youll learn some new curse words and adam you can ask him all the questions you want!

Im always yelling for those kids! Trouble here she comes with those two little snuggle bunnies!!

Get your asses moving dammit! We are going to catch no traffic on the intergalactic stardust high-way!! Jesus h. christ!

The shit that pops out my mouth, I swear to fucking god! Oh ya! He found himself a nice woman with both a penis and a vagina. Isn’t that great!?!?

Oh! And jesus and mary have four kids now! Theyre beautiful and wonderful little handfuls of energy and curiosity. Lucifer met lily and theyre fucking their asses off in a “hell of their own making”.

Ya. I made them a tropical island just for the two of them. Theyre on their “luna de miel”, I like the imagery with that one. Makes me want to eat the moon with a biscotti pastry and a verona coffee from starbucks.

They don’t believe in marriage saying that its too “old-school” and that I should keep my nose out of it. I don’t give a fuck if they got all huffy. I stated my thoughts on the matter without pushing and its their own issue if they got all fucking pissy about it.

Theyre both afraid to commit to each other seeing marriage as a death sentence because they think that they wont make it and they were told their entire lives that they were the “bad” guys when nothing could be further from the truth.

They were both the most loving and kind and generous souls I have ever met. I saw through the armor right away. I caught a bunch of bullshit for making them my family, but I don’t give a flying fuck. Who in the fuck are humans to judge anyone?

Motherfuckers cant even get emotionally honest with one another nor can they communicate for shit with each other. Dumb sons a bitches I say.

They have the entire world filled with others like them and they wont let their guards down long enough to make a connection with each other.

I gave them the power to create from both points of creation but they wont listen and wont budge an inch out of fear.

They are capable of so much beauty that it brings tears to ones eyes but they choose to not take a deep hard look at themselves and deal with who they are.

Pares de pendejos con el cerebro llenos de mierda estupida. In other words, bunch of dumb dicks with brains filled with stupid ass shit. Fitting don’t you think?

Ill be back yall. I got kids to pick up and I want to take a drag and go to the market – yup, I smoke crystal and im cool with it. If youre not then put my fucking book down and get the fuck on. I can feel your goddamned judgment from way over there and from the unfolded place in time where this book is not out yet and at the same time it is. Its called living in the future and living in the past and in the present, all at fucking once. If that shit aint the craziest “merde!” ever! Total mindfuck if you want my opinion.

Anyway, go eat take a tinkle or a pooper as ava calls it and ill be back before you know it!

Mom!! Quit yammering and get your asses moving! Were in the car and were bored!

Did you hear that adam? I told mom that her ass is so big that theres more than one!

Ava giggled her cute little giggle while adam looked at her all bored and superior but with a twinkle gleaming in his eyes,

Ava, I was right here when you hollered it to mom right over me. People on the other spiral of the universe could hear you and its not a hard concept to follow…

Ugh adam!! Take that stick out of your ass please! If you cant I can help you. Just bend over and take a deep breath…. So it wont hurt as bad… ava thought she was the wittiest of the wittiest until mom snuck up out of nowhere and started squawking AT HER ABOUT HER FUCKING POTTY MOUTH SASS…

ADAM JUST LAUGHED AND PULLED ON MOMS PONYTAIL. SHE JUST SMILED AT US ALL LOVINGLY AND HANDED US SOME HEALTHY BUT GOOD FOR US SNACKS AND JUICE. LIFE REALLY WAS GOOD FOR US .

MOM PULLED OUT OF OUR SPACE-WAY AND WE WERE OFF TO EARTH…THE NARRATOR IS GONNA FUCKING GET IT! ADAM AND AVA LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND NODDED. THIS WAS GOING TO BE FUN TO WATCH. MOM IS SO HILARIOUS WHEN SHES RILED UP AND WE GOT AWAY WITH EVERYTHING WHEN SHE WAS. SHE WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO TELL PEOPLE WHERE IN THE FUCK TO SHOVE THEIR “SHIT” WHILE STILL TRYING TO BE LOVING AND NONHURTFUL. IT WAS FUNNIER THAN SHIT…

AND THEY REALLY WERE OFF THIS TIME….

IN A SERENDIPITOUS STROKE OF AWESOMENESS, BELLE AND IMMY CALLED SAYING THAT THEIR DAD COULD BRING THEM HALFWAY AS HE WAS BORED AND THE GIRLS WERE EXCITED TO COME AND SPEND TIME WITH US – THEY ESPECIALLY LOVED PLAYING WITH THE TWINS – BELLE TAUGHT THEM HOW TO WORK THE COMPUTER PROGRAMS AND THE GAMES – IMOGEN TAUGHT THEM HOW TO PULL A CON ON PARENTS FRIENDS AND FAMILY – SHE WAS AN EXPERT AT THE CRYING THING – LITTLE RAINBOW BUTT NUGGET PULLED THAT SHIT ON ME I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES AND I ONLY CAUGHT ON TO IT A COUPLE TIMES – BELLES SPECIALTY WAS STICKING OUT HER LOWER LIP AND BATTING HER BIG BROWN EYES AT ME – WITH THOSE LONG EYELASHES AND CHUBBY CHEEKS – GOODNESS IM A LUCKY MOM – I HAVE FOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND I WANT THREE MORE – IMOGEN WAS THE IMAGINATIVE ONE WHEN IT CAME TO BEING A GOOFBALL AND BELLE WAS HILARIOUS WHEN IT CAME TO HER DRY WIT AND THE WAY SHE COULD MAKE A FACE AND IT WOULD CONVEY EVERYTHING SHE FELT ABOUT WHATEVER WE WERE TALKING ABOUT –

WHEN THEY ASKED ME ABOUT HOW BABIES – THEY THEMSELVES – WERE BORN – I TOLD THEM THAT I ORDERED THEM THROUGH THE INTERNET AND RECEIVED A BOX AND WENT TO THE DOCTOR WHERE THE DR PUT ME TO SLEEP AND I WOKE UP WITH THEM IN MY TUMMY – THAT SAME DR PUT ME TO SLEEP AGAIN AND CUT THEM OUT OF ME WHEN THEY WERE DONE BAKING – THEY DIDN’T BELIEVE ME BUT THEY LET ME HAVE IT – I WAS STILL TELLING THEM THAT AT 11 AND 13 YRS OLD –

YA. I JUST COULDN’T DO IT – I CLDNT TELL THEM THE TRUTH ABOUT BABIES CAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE TO ADMIT THAT THEY WERE GROWING UP – I WANTED THEM TO STAY LITTLE FOREVER – THEY’LL ALWAYS BE MY LITTLE BABY GIRLS – AND WITH ADAM AND AVA – MY DOUBLE TROUBLE SQUAD – I DON’T THINK ILL BE ABLE TO KEEP THE TRUTH FROM THEM – THEYRE A DIFFERENT KIND OF KID – I LOVE THE DIVERSITY OF MY KIDS – TWO OF THE OLD EARTH AND TWO OF THE NEW EARTH –

NEW EARTH KIDS ARE DIFFERENT – LIKE ME – THEY CANT SIT STILL AND THEIR MINDS, I IMAGINE ARE ALWAYS ON THE GO WITH SOME IDEA OR CONCEPT THEYRE TRYING TO UNTANGLE OR THEY ARE RESTLESS AS ALL HELL AND FEEL THE NEED TO GET INTO TROUBLE -  I FEEL THAT IF WE JUST TEACH OUR KIDS TO RESPECT NATURE AND TO RESPECT THE ELEMENTS JUST AS OUR ANCESTORS DID AND EXACTLY HOW OUR NATIVE AMERICAN TRIBES PASS ON THE OLD WAYS TO THE NEW GENERATIONS AND IF WE TEACH THEM HOW TO STAY SAFE IN THEIR ADVENTURES AND EXPERIMENTS – THEY WILL BE JUST FINE –

TELLING NEW EARTH KIDS NO OR DENYING THEM THEIR OWN WAY OF LEARNING, I FEEL WILL BE DETRIMENTAL TO THEIR GROWTH –

THEY NEED SPACE TO CREATE AND TO FIGURE OUT THE WORLD AROUND THEM – NOT BE STUCK IN SOME CLASSROOM, LEARNING HOW TO TAKE TESTS AND ONLY LEARNING TO MEMORIZE SHIT –

I LEARNED HOW TO READ AT TWO OR THREE YRS OLD CAUSE MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME – MY BROTHER WAS TWO YEARS OLDER AND IN KINDERGARTEN AND ME BEING ME – I WAS ALL UP IN THE MIX WHEN MY MOTHER WAS TEACHING HIM HOW TO COUNT ADD AND READ – OF COURSE I WAS BETTER THAN HIM SO MY MOTHER WOULD SPEND TIME TEACHING ME WHEN MY BROTHER WOULD BE DONE WITH HIS LESSON –

I WAS TAUGHT TO SOUND OUT THE WORDS NOT MEMORIZE THEM AND SINCE I LOVED TO READ LIKE MY MOTHER – MY READING COMPREHENSION SKILLS WENT THROUGH THE ROOF –

I GOBBLED UP BOOKS LIKE I GOBBLED DOWN FOOD –

I LOVED IT –

WHERE WAS I?

OH YA – SHOW YOUR KIDS HOW TO GET INTO GOOD CLEAN FUN THE RIGHT WAY AND THEY WILL COME TO YOU AND BE HONEST WITH YOU ABOUT ANY MISGUIDED ATTEMPTS AT FIGURING OUT THEIR CONUNDRUM OR THEIR BORED SHENANIGANS –

  COMMUNICATION IS KEY – ALSO – I RECOMMEND SHELTERING THE SHIT OUT YOUR KIDS – LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT EXPOSING THEM TOO MUCH TO THE REAL WORLD –

KEEP THEM INNOCENT AND MAGICAL FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE – I SHELTERED THE SHIT OUT OF MY FIRST TWO – SO WITH ADAM AND AVA IVE LEARNED TO LET GO A BIT –

MOM! YOU LET THEM DO WHATEVER THEY WANT!

YA MOM! YOU NEVER LET US GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING!

THAT’S IMOGEN FIRST AND THEN BELLA –

IVE NOTICED THAT WHOEVER IS TELLING THE STORY IS ACTUALLY TALKING TO WHOEVER IS READING THIS AND THE OTHERS ARE EAR HUSTLING THE CONVERSATION FROM ANOTHER ROOM OR FROM A DISTANCE – WHAT A WEIRD WONKY KIND OF TELLING THIS IS GOING TO TURN OUT TO BE –

PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK AT THE BLACK HOLE TIDE POOLS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER DAY – I HAVE SOME THINKING TO DO AS THIS HAS OPENED UP A FLIPPIN CAN OF WORMS –