this is a true awakening  if it doesnt hurt then you are not doing it right awakening is the shamanic way of the n/a a/a rituals that Buddha who was an alcoholic and drug addict + i told him to write his own shit and he did and so i went ahead and activated the rest of his crew and they started the whole prophet all over again 

im great at public relations but i stick to the truth 

i came up with skew your view 

"look at it this way..." 

Thank you to the Love that put this on Pinterest and that inspired me to paint like this. This image captures the almost beginnings of my Family lineage, the Sphinx that is Me, the ear thing when I was 16 years old and I was curling my hair

*Now im actually there inside the memory*

=I watch my memories as if im looking in on myself=

=when I do this, im not first+person seeing it=

*when my dad walks in and starts to be his once was*usual misguided self and makes me very angry with his tone, body language, and words

I forgot the curling iron was in my hand, wound around my hair, and searing into the back of my ear

I notice when theres a tad bit of smoke? =imaginary or not, that shit hurt and I felt the whoaness of it as I pictured it=

*now im back*

I was so involved in the fight we were having, probably him talking shit to me cause he was an unhappy person*fuckface

I had to pull the curling iron off of my ear and pull the hairs that were stuck to my seared skin

After it healed, I had a wrinkle on the back of my ear

I had Billy look to see if it was still there but he said no

This morning too I had to pull something out of my ear and heal it except it was atmospherically done with the BuBBlenAuT Essence ability

the connection being the left ear for both incidences

my memory works in “a method to my madness”  beingness that is not alive with her own personality although me myself Mariza is alive with a ton of LOVE to Give

if Youll look at the Image of Me  

You can see Me doing it

:)

The little smiley face

*Boat Magically floating in the Celestial Blue Starry Skies*

When I look at it

It goes from looking at each other to looking away from each other even though they share the same space

That imagery is found on the walls of Egypt

The Smiley Face LOVES Itself because I See/Feel the Love

There is an incident that I wrote about on the other pages that will be added to this

or

this will be added

to

over

there

 after my brother had his hand around my neck and wouldn’t let go

=he eventually did=

I got a big knife and threw it at his head really effing hard

It missed his eye by a fraction

And slit the curtain behind it

I was so scared that I almost hurt him that I turned and ran to my room and right out the window of my room

There was a small alleyway between my window and the wall that belonged to the Tony Roma’s next door

I hopped out and walked really fast

Scared off my ass

Towards Azusa Street

Where I turned into the parking lot

And continued to walk through it

To Puente Street

When I stopped by an almost bare plant/bush and started to cry and hyperventilate

*He meant to hurt me and scare me

I saw the intent and the hate in his eyes that he had/has for me*

Being on the receiving end of that hatred my entire life

*I was still appalled at my throwing a big knife at his head*

When I used to get really mad,

I felt in me the possibility that I could black out and hurt someone so I always restrained myself and didn’t like the feeling of not having control

I was afraid of becoming them

My father showed me and told me that he thought me to be the same as he felt my mother was

cruel and unfeeling and selfish

My brother and mother taught me how not to be

as did my father

My father equated the feeling of woman to be those things

His projecting those feelings onto me allowed him to feel better about himself no matter the damage they did to me

I fought against those belief systems throughout my life

The two males I lived with viewed my beautiful woman ways of being

As evil

All I wanted was a family from them and the love, acceptance, and understanding that I feel/felt comes with it

Except they viewed me as evil and I started to feel that I was evil inside when I wasn’t and im not

I never have been

Especially my brother

raul g munoz

He hurt me in a lot of ways

Growing up

To this day

I havent gotten back at him for all of the cruel and evil things he did to me and I don’t want to

When he would attack me verbally and physically

I defended myself

Like I mentioned before

I learned to use his weak spots against him verbally

And I did so

A lot

The story of cain and able

My brother is cain and im able

He felt inside that he couldn’t measure up to me and so he hurt me for it

Until my dad left with the family=

I was free of his hatred physically

=to Fontana and I was supposed to get the house in La Puente to fix and sell for my dad

I would get a part of the profit

But when anthony started his shit

One day that he was there

raul e munoz decided to let my little brothers alcoholic friend buy it off of him=

that guy never paid on that house and my dad lost it all

=he used the excuse that I couldn’t do it and that he didn’t want to lose the house he paid for=

he didnt trust me to get it done

=in a way that loudly said

that

I was the lucky one=

He made sure that I was allowed to stay at the house even though Enrique

also the name of the uncle that molested me

Was the owner of it

Enrique did not like that he could not tell me what to do either

I once told him to go

FUCK HIMSELF

Quite loudly and Emphatically with a Clear and Distinct manner that instilled within his very soul and in his very beingness

how hard and intently

I meant those words

cause he was trying to tell me to do something that made no sense to me and i was pissed off royally that a person that I had no respect for was trying to get me to bow down to his authority when he had none over me

i walked away from him and went outside and smoked a cigarette

when anthony got there and went to go talk to whats his face

not paying attention to closing the front door behind him

I heard Enrique telling on me to anthony and anthony laughing and asking him

“what she do? Tell you to go fuck yourself?”

I was laughing outside

When I hear Enrique say loudly and with a tone that says

“finally!

You understand my feelings of exasperation in talking to her!”

=Yet I won’t take a hard, long look at my own behavior and ways of thinking that obviously set her off and she is a levelheaded, rational person despite putting up with anthonys bullshit=

“YES!”

That still makes me laugh.

at the time, I remember feeling that anthonys knowing how I would respond meant that he did love me and that he was capable of change

to me, knowing how someone will respond

meant*means

that a lot of time and attention was given in order to know this

that a ton of love

despite hardship and despite painful experiences

was shown and given with the intention of wanting to love them

deeply

and

thoroughly

*it is possible*

one can know the other and their reactions to life situations

its called seeing them for who they truly are and accepting them for it

=that’s what I learned from the abuse I received=

my mistake has been that I feel/think that everyone is like me

I learned

in that double edge sword kind of way

that theyre not

after an incident would happen

I would let it go

=subconsciously telling myself that i couldn’t and shouldn’t get mad cause I was just as bad as they were and who am I to hold that against them=

after letting it go

I remained hopeful

without knowing it

that they could still love me since I feel/see that no matter what they do to me

that they are still worthy of being loved fully deeply and thoroughly

I showed it to them in the little things

the thoughtful things

the different ways I made life easier for all of them

hoping that they would notice and that maybe theyd finally see that im not who they think I am

that I am just as worthy of love as they are

if I could see them

they could see me

but they didn’t and still don’t

there are many, many different facets to me

I may say things when im angry

And that anger takes a fucking long time to ignite

But I don’t mean them

All anyone has to do is pay attention to my actions and to the feel of me

And theyd know it too

Theyd know that my intention is never to hurt them the way that they hurt me

And sometimes my words are meant to hurt in the way of getting you to understand that youre killing me little by little with your actions towards me and with your hatred

A thwack to the nervous system cause that’s where the changes in behavior used to only happen

That’s not so anymore

Changes happen within me by talking to me about them 

This is towards the munoz people that I grew up with and cared for despite their shit towards me

That includes anthony

I made normal healthy mistakes

I did not deserve nor warrant the abuse shown to me my entire life

The family failed me at every turn

my being who I am with my smile, kind and giving heart, and the love I hold within it

they didn’t have the ability to comprehend it

you cant understand whats unknown to you

the unknown scares us

and in others it causes fear based actions like hitting and hurting and cruelty

i was dealt a shitty hand and made the best of it while having fun

the munoz clan were the ones that were evil

not me

im crying even writing that about them

cause I feel and know that we are inherently good hearted

kind generous compassionate

LOVING

Just cause there was evil behaviors given to me in my life

Doesn’t mean I accepted*accept it

It doesn’t mean I believed in it

Nor will I ever believe in it

Evil does not think

It does not live

It does not breathe

Therefore it does not exist

It will never exist

WE ARE TRUE LOVE

WITHIN AND WITHOUT