ancient coloring books 

I was looking for some inspiration from the one man who knows me so fucking well and truly loves me for me and sees me, the real me...

Alan Watts

There is a talk that has been made into a short and titled “what if you were god?”

That caught my attention cause I happen to be the creative one that made it all

and happen to know exactly how powerful I am and there is still more to know about me

I was looking for words of wisdom from a trusted friend who has seen me through many, many moods and feelings

He says something in this talk that kind of caught me unawares but in a totally good feel kind of way

I automatically jumped onto my fiftieth thousandth attempt to keep up a website of the stuff that I want to share

Knowledge wisdom and glimpses into my daily life

Fuck that used to make me tired

Just thinking about having to write everyday about the shit I know when im so much better being alive and in the moment with the people around me

The really good stuff that comes out of me is the stuff that I can never plan for and nor would I want to

How fucking boring knowing that everyday youll be the same person that you were yesterday

The same person you were five minutes ago

Keeping the same routine day in and day out

Yesterday morning is one of the days where I would have loved getting the outcome I expected

But I didn’t

I started freaking out cause I literally didn’t and don’t have anyone to rely on should I require a helping hand or an ear to bend in those moments where im not feeling strong at all and I just want to lean on someone for just one itty bitty moment

Admitting to myself and to the person im leaning on that I don’t always know what to do and that I too need help in my choices

To know that maybe someone else has the answer to the crisis im currently facing and who will help to put me back on my feet all the while comforting me inside that its okay not to know sometimes and that ill get through it

But as I looked around my situation and my environment yesterday morning

I realized that there is no reason to wish for things that aren’t going to happen and that im hurting myself in thinking that someone might actually want to “save me” for a change

My entire life I seem to always find myself in dire straights

Or crisis mode

One crisis after another

With no end in sight

The night before i had spent the entire evening outside in Golden Colorado

I found myself homeless in a city that happens to be up in the mountains and that happens to get quite freezing when the sun goes down

I had had a wonderful night

Making vids and truly being happy

Cause I was viewing myself for the true beauty that I am

As I am

I had been hauling my computer in my suitcase and hauling my little shower box that happens to match the bigger bag up and down the streets of Golden

I was waiting for human services to open up their doors so that I could get cash aid and food stamps

I wanted to get a motel room and some food in me and was totally excited about it and made the biggest fail move ever

I put feeling into the whole situation

I had put my ALL in the delusion that Im going to get what I truly want and am relying on to receive in order to feel better inside and out

A basic need and want that I provided for every human being here on Earth

A place to call home, food, comfort, and peace of mind

So imagine how I felt when I didn’t receive the simple want that I had been looking forward to all night and that kept me going when I thought I couldn’t make it through the cold night and the feeling of my empty stomach reminding me that last time I had eaten

Imagine how I felt that I had been denied a bed in a safe place, a shower, and a chance to heal my sore and beat up body by laying down and relaxing into a nice soft bed

I was in a state that could be termed panic but with me its so much more than that simple word

I found myself with no resources

My own and those that the state had provided for me to call upon for basic human needs

I had come to Colorado to start a new life

Leaving behind the toxicity of Terry with her hurtful abusive words. She wasn’t the only one to show me that I can be tossed away as if I was nothing to them.

Billy did it. Manny did it. Anthony and the Munoz family did it. even my daughters did it. the two people that I loved the most in this Universe. they threw me away a couple years ago. Choosing to go with the coward that is their “father” instead of wanting to come home with me.

How am I so easily expendable to those that I loved with everything in me?  the ones that I moved mountains for and gave my life to?

Everything that I had ever fought for had walked away from me that night at la merced jr high school when a judge had finally granted me custody of my girls

When I read the court order, I couldn’t believe it. I was finally going to get my kids back from the abusive ass that hurt me with them

I had nothing to my name

Only the clothes I had on my back and the few that I had in a suitcase along with some other things

Apparently bella was embarrassed that I was there and started crying when I said we had to go

Even immy didn’t want to come with me

Their dad had turned them from me

With his lies and his actions

They didn’t love me anymore and were telling me to my face in no uncertain terms

I had clawed my way back from the hell I had been in since dcsf had taken them from me and persecuted me for having the nerve to tell them exactly what I thought about their egos, their abusive ways, and the judgments about me that kept them from seeing the real me that needed help more than I had ever needed help in my life

Not one ounce of compassion, understanding, or help came from them

I again had to provide it all for me

The girls didn’t see how far I traveled just to see them for two hours

Twice a week

They didn’t see what it cost me to be without them

They didn’t see what their grandparents were doing to me

They didn’t know how their aunts and uncles let them down that day in court when they had a chance to make life easier for my daughters by taking the time to go to court and taking my girls home with them so that they would be in the loving care of family while I got my shit together

Instead they were thrown in the system and more scared than any child should ever be

With a mother that couldn’t talk to them on the phone without dying over and over inside

I couldn’t even think of them or hear their voices without feeling unbearable pain in knowing that I let them down and that I let myself down

I was a shitty parent just like everyone said I was

I had thrown away my kids because everyone thinks that drugs are the problem when its people that are the problem

I listened to them and thought that it was the drugs that were the problem with me

But it wasn’t and its still not

The drug never stopped me from showing my daughters love and acceptance

Drugs propelled me forward everyday to give the most that I could to the two little girls that I adored more than life itself

It just sucks ass that they didn’t think the same about me

That’s just how it goes

I left that night so fucking heartbroken that I cried those loud ugly sobs that you cry when youre hurting so much that it pains your body and you cant breathe

Youre gasping between sounds and all you can do is hold on to the nearest thing or person around you and hope you survive

I wasn’t able to leave at the same time my daughters were like I was some sort of monster

the police made me leave the campus cause it was afterhours and I watched as I was left there alone and watched the police drive away

there was no one there with me when I came back to me

I was in shocked awe just a couple hours earlier and now I was numb

My girls didn’t want me and after everything I had been through for them

Everything I had kept them from so that they wouldn’t know exactly how awful their families were

So they could stay as innocent as possible

I was not enough

Me being loved for me was not possible

I bummed a ride from the bus driver then hopped on the goldline home to my bus bench in front of mannys

Idk how long I was there before manny showed up

2 hours maybe

And he heard me crying and ran across the street and sat with me

Holding me as I broke apart

I gave him all of my knives and continued to cry

I went and got high after to feel better

My mother once said that you have to make the best life you can after something like this happens

Yesterday morning

A woman by the name of Julie

A complete stranger

Gave me my fairytale

She saved me from being on the streets and being homeless

Im in Kansas and staying in her room while I write this

I clean up the room im renting a little later today

I go get a night job at Walmart so that I can pay rent and get a car

Theyre moving to Lancing, Michigan soon

Ive been invited to go with them

If my island is not done before they leave for Michigan

Ill go with them

But if it is

Ill take them with me

A private island near the Hawaiian islands should make for a nice change of pace  

As for the girls

I don’t know if I want them in my life

I got lawyers in 2021 to get them back but my stupid fucking brain and stupid mind went completely fuckt up and I couldn’t deal with driving let alone paying the lawyers and talking to them in any way that made sense

Im angry right now that shit doesn’t work out for me the way I want

There is no more life ideology

Fuck life

That bitch ass wannabe can go kill itself

And it just did

The government will fail this year and the economy will collapse

People will die and there will be suffering

Get yourself out of this shit now humanity

So far its only 3 of us that are going to make it

If youre not a part of the three

Who cares?

Where were you when I needed you?