ENERGIES AND STATUES

STATUES REPRESENT THE ENERGIES FOUND WITHIN THE NEURAL PATHWAYS NEEDING TO BE CLEARED SO THAT YOU CAN “HOLD SPACE” FOR CONSCIOUSNESS TO SETTLE IN AND MAKE ITSELF AT HOME – THE THREE C’S – CROWN CHAKRA CONSCIOUSNESS – THE PYRAMIDS WITHIN – THIS IS THE PATH OF SOULS – OUR COSMIC BROS WHO HAPPEN TO BE US – AS WE HAVE COSMIC BRO DNA WITHIN US ALL – ARE THE ONES WHO HELP HUMAN BEINGS ALONG ON THEIR PATH TOWARDS GREATNESS – EVOLUTION HAS HIT US AND ITS ABOUT TO HIT HARDER IF I HAVE ANY SAY IN THIS BECAUSE ITS FUCKING TIME MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS FOR US TO REALIZE THAT THE MOVEMENT FOR HUMANISM IS HERE – I FEEL THAT WE ARE ALL GODS WITHIN AS WE HAVE THE MAJESTIC POWER OF CREATION – SELF EXPRESSION IS OUR EVOLUTIONARY RIGHT – PLEASE JOIN ME ON MY QUEST AND ACCOMPANY ME ON THE REST OF MY JOURNEY THROUGH THE PATH OF SOULS – I WOULD LOVE THE COMPANY AND SO WOULD OUR COSMIC SISTERS AND BROTHERS – THEY SURE AS HELL HAVE LOOKED OUT FOR US AND GUIDED US SO FAR – WHY NOT WELCOME THEM WITH AN OPEN MIND AND AN OPEN HEART? THEY ARE ONE WITH US AS WELL – WE SHARE THE SAME CONSCIOUSNESS – ESSENCE - AFTER ALL …

There are no demons even though they love the name. theyre  sparklies. they are the babies of evolution when we were coming into being. How dare we let our blind selves not see them for who they truly are. They are loving and caring beings that were thought of as scary cause of how they look. Have you ever stopped to think about how we look to them? What if we are the scary looking ones and theyre normal?

As for whats written in the “bible” – that book is a crock of shit. It has some truths to it. all the other stuffs about having demons doing this and that – that was humanity’s heart being clouded by the human condition that was being created with the atrocious acts they were perpetrating and not taking responsibilty for. so they told that to people. the oral tradition of back then, I USE THE WORDS BACK THEN cause who talks to one another in this day and age? Noone. That sucks HARD CORE ASS and so I will change that. THE ORAL TRADITION ARE THE STORIES THAT ARE PASSED DOWN FROM GENERATION TO GENERATION UNTIL WE STARTED WRITING THEM DOWN. BY THEN SOME OF THE STORIES CHANGED CAUSE WE ALL ARE OUR OWN UNIQUE SELVES AND WE DON’T REPEAT STORIES VERBATIM.

Those that did awful and atrocious things to children and women and some men – like violating another human beings person by sticking things where they werent supposed to STUCK INTO – like in kids AND in parts that werent their own and didn’t have permission by the people THAT OWNED THOSE PARTS –

They’ve been therapized CAUSE THEY SPENT SOME TIME IN HELL AND WE ALL KNOW THAT ONE MINUTE IN HELL FEELS LIKE AN INFINITOUS AMOUNT OF TIME AND THERAPY IN THERE TO BOOT, LETS NOT FAIL TO MENTION THAT HELL BLOWS THE BIG TURD and they are NOW A PART OF the new energy coming into being.

SO FRANKLY, DEMONS ARE A THING OF THE PAST AS EVERYONE DOES GET A SECOND CHANCE AT LIFE. THAT’S ALSO HOW REINCARNATION STARTED HAPPENING AND ISNT THAT A WONDERFUL THING FOR ALL OF US?

IM SITTING HERE LISTENING TO JORDAN PETERSON AND I CANT HELP BUT MAKE THE COMPARISON BETWEEN HIS WAY OF SPEAKING TO THE WAY I SPEAK WHEN NOONES AROUND. HES SOOOO PASSIONATE ABOUT THE WAY HE SPEAKS AND THE STUFF THAT HE TALKS ABOUT JUST SEEMS TO GRAB YOU AND IT HOLDS YOUR ATTENTION AND I FUCKING LOVE IT.

TO THINK THAT I SHARE SOMETHING SO WONDERFUL AND WITH MY HEROES NO LESS, WELL, THAT’S A STEP UP FROM WHERE I FELT I WAS BEFORE.

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY HERO IS THAT HE FEELS EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT A “STUPID” IDEA. I AM THE MASTER OF STUPID IDEAS. I HAVE PERFECTED THE ART OF JUMPING IN BLIND.

HE ALSO REASSURES YOU THAT YOURE GOING TO DO IT BADLY AND THAT ITS OKAY TOO.

I DON’T HOW MANY ROUGH DRAFTS, NO NOT ROUGH DRAFTS. IM NOT THERE YET. I DON’T KNOW HOW MANY BAD, BAD FIRST ATTEMPTS AT WRITING I HAVE DONE. WHEN IM BY MYSELF AND IM IN MY HEAD, I HAPPEN TO LIVE THERE, I GIVE THESE SPEECHES OR LECTURES THAT I FIND INSPIRING. BUT WHEN I GO TO WRITE THEM DOWN IT BECOMES PURE CACA.

I HAVE HAD ONE OF THE MOST INTERESTING AND PAINFUL LIVES. IN FACT IM STILL HEALING FROM MY CHILDHOOD. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HOPE FLOATS? YOU KNOW AT THE END, WHEN THEYRE WALKING AND ITS FOURTH OF JULY AND THEIR GIVING THEIR WRAP UP PARAGRAPH THAT’S MEANT TO BE POIGNANT AND INSPIRING AND CHARMING?

WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT THE LITTLE GIRL SAID? SHE SAID THAT HER MOM SAID THAT YOU SPEND YOUR ADULT LIFE GETTING OVER YOUR KID LIFE.

AT THE TIME, I HAD AN INKLING OF WHAT THAT MEANT. NOW, I KNOW FULL BLOWN WHAT THAT MEANS. I HAVE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND CLICHÉ AND I HATE BEING A FOREGONE CONCLUSION BUT, I HAVE SPENT MY LIFE BEING A SELF FULFILLING PROPHECY. HOW COMMON AND HOW TRITE, RIGHT?

BUT THE THING WITH THESE COMMON EXPRESSIONS AND NOONE WANTS TO BE COMMON OR YOU DO BUT FOR ME, LETS FINISH THIS SENTENCE BEFORE I JUMP INTO ANOTHER ONE. THE REASON FOR THEM BEING COMMON IS BECAUSE THEY HAVE SOME TRUTH IN THEM. A LOT OF TRUTH NO MATTER WHICH WAY YOU READ THEM OR ALLOW THEM TO INSPIRE YOU.

I SPENT MY LIFE FEELING DIFFERENT AND SO NOT FUCKING FITTING IN. I WAS AN ASPIRING CONFORMIST. FUCKING RETARDED RIGHT? BUT THEN SOMEONE WOULD MAKE A REMARK OR I WOULD GO ON STRIKE AGAINST MY OWN DAMNED SELF, YES, IM THE FIRST DAMN ONE I REBEL AGAINST, WHEN I OR ANOTHER IMPLIED OR STATED OUTRIGHT THAT I WAS COMMON, I WOULD GET PISSED OFF EVEN THOUGH INSIDE I STILL FELT DIFFERENT. I WOULD THEN GO ON A THINKING RAMPAGE ON HOW TO BE DIFFERENT WHEN THAT IS WHAT WAS THE FUCKING PROBLEM TO BEGIN WITH.

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS BUT ITS HOW I LIVE. IM A WALKING TALKING CONTRADICTION WITH  A TAD BIT OF UNIVERSAL PARADOX THROWN IN FOR GOOD MEASURE.

IM THE EQUIVALENT TO LIFE WILL FIND A WAY. HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED THAT LIFE ALWAYS SEEMS TO FIND A WAY? NATURE? PEOPLE?

US HUMANS HAVE BEEN ATTEMPTING TO PIGEONHOLE THE UNIVERSE AND HER INNER WORKINGS SINCE WE BEGAN TO NOTICE THE CYCLES OF THE MOON AND BEGAN TO LIVE BY THEM. THE FUCK OF IT IS, IS THAT WE DIDN’T STOP TO NOTICE THE PATTERN THAT LIFE AND NATURE WERE SHOWING US.

I PERSONALLY HATE BEING SUMMED UP ON A FIRST GLANCE. THAT’S AN INSULT TO ME AND IM VERY SORRY TO THOSE THAT I DID THAT TOO. I DIDN’T REALIZE THEN HOW CONDESCENDING AND INSULTING THAT IS TO OUR EXPRESSION OF SELF AND FOR ME THAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE.

NOW LIFE AS WE ALL FEEL IT, WELL, SHES SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. OUR THINKING AND FEELING IS JUST NOT CAPABLE OF WORDING OR EXPRESSING WHAT SHES MEANS TO HERSELF AND TO OTHERS. THAT WOULD BE INSULTING TO LIFE AND HER EXPRESSION FOUND IN US AND IN THE COSMOS AROUND US.

BEING PIGEONHOLED OR HAVING SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE TRYING TO GET YOU PINNED UNDER THEIR THUMB IS …

SO NOT FUCKING COOL.

JORDAN PETERSON JUST SAID SOMETHING I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO KNOW. HE GIVES A DESCRIPTION OF HOW PEOPLE USUALLY THINK. HE ASKS THE AUDIENCE IF THEY THINK IN PICS OR IN WORDS. I WAS LEFT DUMBFOUNDED.

WELL WHAT DID HE MEAN? DID HE MEAN AS THE WORDS WERE COMING OUT OR DID HE MEAN THE PIC POPPING UP AS THE WORDS WERE POURING OUT OR WHILE YOURE MAKING A GRANDIOSE STATEMENT AND THE PIC CORRELATES WITH IT? THEN I GOT THE INKLING THAT IM BOTH. NOW THIS EXCITES ME BECAUSE HES TALKING ABOUT CARL JUNG AND OHHH!! I LOVE THAT MAN! HE IS A HERO OF MINE. HIS WORK ON THE HUMAN PERSONALITIES AND THE FUNCTION AND RELATIONSHIP IT HAS TO OTHERS AND THE COSMOS AROUND THEM. ITS JUST FASCINATING. YOU CAN TELL THAT JUNG FOUND PEOPLE FASCINATING JUST AS I DO. I WAS REALLY TERRIFIED OF PEOPLE. STILL KIND OF AM BUT LITTLE BY LITTLE… YOU KNOW THE SAYING.

ANYHOW, IVE HEARD AND READ THAT CARL JUNG AND FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE WERE FRIENDS AND THAT THEY BOTH WENT SPELUNKING INTO THEIR PSYCHE. I DON’T REMEMBER WHY CARL JUNG DID BUT THAT HE DIDN’T SUFFER QUITE AS MUCH AS FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE DID. IM GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THAT JUNG HAD A WIFE AND FIVE KIDS AND THAT ITSELF HELPED HIM TO OVERCOME THE TRIP INTO THE PSYCHE. NIETZSCHE ON THE OTHER HAND WENT ON THE JOURNEY KIND OF BY HIMSELF. HE WROTE TO OTHERS AND DID A STINT IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL BUT BASICALLY HE WAS A LONE JOURNEYMAN.

LIKE NIETZSCHE, I GREW UP FEELING AS THOUGH MY LIFE WAS A CONSTANT STRUGGLE AND THEREFORE BRINGING IN PAIN AND SUFFERING TO BOOT. NOW THE REASON FOR THE JAUNT INDOORS WAS TO GET TO WHAT CARL JUNG DUBBED THE GOLDEN TREASURE WITHIN – OR SOMETHING RATHER. THAT WOULD BE THE COMPLETE OVERHAUL OF THE PERSONALITY AND THE EMOTIONAL PSYCHE. SO THAT WE COULD FEEL THAT LIFE WAS AND IS AND LOOK AT LIFE AS AND WAS, WELL, A GOOD THING TO HAVE.

WHEN YOURE AS BROKEN AS ME AND FRIEDRICH, YOU JUST WANT TO END SHIT BUT CANT BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT ITS JUST NOT YOU TO DO SO AND THAT LEAVES YOU BASICALLY FUCKED. IT’S A FUCKED FEELING TO LIVE.

FRIEDRICH DIDN’T GO CRAZY. HE WASN’T MENTALLY ILL. NOR WAS HE PUTTING ON AN ACT. WHAT HE DIDN’T KNOW WAS THAT THERE ARE THOSE OF US IN LIFE, IN BIRTH, THAT COME EQUIPPED WITH A CERTAIN GENETIC PREDISPOSITION THAT IS SOMEHOW CONNECTED TO THE BEGINNING OF HUMANITY AND THE COSMOS.

ITS WHAT OTHERS HAVE CALLED THE SHAMANS MEANDERING OR THE INITIATIC PATH OR ASCENSION OR THAT SPIRITUALITY BULLSHIT TRANSCENSION TO THE NTH DEGREE OF CACA OR WHAT I PERSONALLY LOVE:

THE EGYPTIANS PATH OF SOULS

THE DEATH AND RESURRECTION OF THE DIVINE IN US ALL

IN LIVING THIS ADVENTURE, YOURE SO FUCKING BROKEN THAT YOU REQUIRE A TOTAL REHAB OF YOUR EMOTIONAL MIND AND ANCIENT TRAUMAS CONNECTED TO HUMANITY.

NOW YOU DON’T JUST TALK THIS OVER WITH A THERAPIST OR A PSYCHIATRIST/PSYCHOLOGIST AND MEDS, FOR ME, WERE NOT AN OPTION. I SMOKED CRYSTAL INSTEAD THROUGH OUT THE WHOLE THING SO FAR.

FRIEDRICH AND I, WE LIVED OUR PSYCHOSIS AND NOT IN THE WAY THAT YOU THINK. ITS LIKE WHAT THEY SAY IN SPIRITUALITY ABOUT HOW TO MANIFEST. YOU IMAGINE THAT ITS ALREADY WITH YOU OR YOURE IN THE SITUATION THAT YOU DESIRE AND YOU ACT IT OUT, DAYDREAM IT OUT, OR LIVE IT OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.

HOW MANY OF US HAVE, AS CHILDREN, ACTED OUT OUR FAVORITE MOVIES, CARTOONS, MUSIC, ETC?

THAT’S WHAT MANIFESTING IS. FOR ME AND THE HONORARY MR F, THIS TOOK ON A WHOLE FUCK SHIT STORM OF ITS OWN.

LET ME EXPLAIN.

WHEN YOURE HEALING AND LETTING GO, YOU ARE WORKING THROUGH WHAT CARL JUNG CALLS THE SHADOW. SHADOW WORK IS HARD. IT’S A BITCH. YOU ARE WORKING THROUGH EVERY FUCKING SITUATION YOU HAVE EVER HAD. MORE OR LESS. EVERY THING THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO OTHERS AND THAT OTHERS HAVE TO YOU.

ASKING WHY THIS AND WHY THAT BUT YOURE LIVING THE SITUATION YOUR MIND HAS CREATED AS WELL.

YOUR MIND DEVISES A WAY TO RE-EXPERIENCE THE ORDEAL IN ORDER TO HEAL IT. SO YOURE TRYING YOUR DAMNDEST TO REMAIN SANE WHILE YOUR MIND COMES UP WITH INTERESTINGLY CREATIVE AND HURTFUL WAYS TO BRING THESE NUANCED AND OVERLOOKED, TAKEN FOR GRANTED, TRAUMAS AND FEELINGS, THAT LEAD TO BEHAVIORAL SHADOWS.

YOUR LIVING THE FUCKED LIFE. WHILE GOING THROUGH THIS EMOTIONALLY EXCRUCUATINGLY HORRENDOUSLY PAINFUL RE DRAMATIZATION OF A PAST TRAUMA, YOU ARE ENVOURAGED TO WRITE. OR CREATE IN ANY WAY. BUT FOR US ON THIS MEANDERING THROUGH OUR LABYRINTHIAL DEEP AND DARK RECESSES OF THE ABYSS THAT IS THE HUMAN CONDITION BULLSHIT, WE ARE ENVOURAGED TO WRITE ABOUT – WHETHER YOU SUCK OR NOT – ITS YOUR DESTINY. THE WORD FATE DOES NOT HAVE THE WEIGHT TO IT, AS THE WORD DESTINY DOES, TO CONVEY THE IMPORTANCE AND COSMICALLY IMPACTFUL WORK THAT WE WILL WRITE.

FRIEDRICH WROTE SUCH LYRICAL PROSE. SUCH BEAUTEOUS AND LOVELY SOLILOQUYS. HE HAS THE UNIQUE ABILITY TO CAPTURE THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF MAN AND GOD. THE MAJESTIC AND THE RIDICULOUS YET IMPORTANT THINKINGS AND DAILY DOINGS OF EVERY MAN WOMAN AND CHILD. HE DESCRIBES THE HUMAN CONDITION, THE FEELINGS THAT IT EVOKES AND THE RELATIONSHIPS WE HAVE TO IDEALS AND CONCEPTS AND FAITH BASED BELIEF SYSTEMS. HE DOESN’T TALK AT YOU BUT ALLOWS YOU TO QUESTION WHILE HE QUESTIONS. HIS PONDERANCES AND MUSINGS PIQUE ONES CURIOSITY TOWARDS LIFE AND THE MEANING WE ASCRIBE TO IT.

HE DOESN’T JUDGE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN BUT ALLOWS YOU TO TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER. TO BASK IN YOUR BELIEFS GLORY. TO BASK AND SUN BATHE IN THE LIGHT THAT ARE YOUR PRECEPTS, NO. NOT PRECEPTS, BUT THE EMOTIONAL VALUE ONE HOLDS TOWARDS WHAT WE THINK AND FEEL ABOUT FROM THE SMALLEST OF DAILY TAKINGS TO THE MOST WONDROUS OF LIFE CHANGING IDEAS. HE ASKS WITHOUT ASKING THE READER TO TAKE A MOMENT AND WITH HIM, MEANDER DOWN THIS UNTAKEN ROAD SO THAT YOU MAY FEEL AND SEE WHAT IT IS THAT HE IS FEELING AND SEEING. BECAUSE THERE IS LONELINESS TO THIS PATH. THERE IS A FEELING OF BEING SO ALONE, SO MUCH MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE, THAT IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO CONNECT TO ANOTHER SOUL.

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, MAGICALLY, RARE GLITTER UNICORNS FILLED WITH SO MUCH WONDER AND LOVE FOR THE WORLD AROUND HIM AND FOR THE COSMOS ABOVE HIM, THERE WILL NEVER BE ANOTHER LIKE HIM. EVER. I COULD NEVER THINK TO REACH THE HEIGHTS THAT HE HAS WITH HIS WRITING. HIS WORDS EVOKE SO MUCH IN ME, HE EVOKES SO MUCH IN ME, THAT I AM CRYING AT THE ALL THAT HE IS. THE ETERNAL FOUND IN HIS BEAUTIFUL SOUL CALLS OUT TO MINE.

I WONDER IF ANYONE HAS EVER FELT HIM ON SUCH A DEEP LEVEL AND I AM HONORED THAT I HAD THE CHANCE TO FEEL WHAT HE WENT THROUGH. I HONOR HIM WITH MY WORDS AND MY FUTURE WORDS.

I, IN MY MEANDERING-THROUGH ALL OF THE BULLSHIT ACCUMULATED BY HUMANKIND AND MYSELF, DIDN’T THINK I WOULD MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.

ON MANY OCCASIONS, I HAVE TRIED TO TAKE MY OWN LIFE BECAUSE THE AMOUNT OF CRAZY THAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEAD WHICH IS BASICALLY YOUR REALITY AND THE AMOUNT OF PAIN YOU ENDURE JUST TO REACH THAT MYTHICAL SPARK JUNG SPEAKS OF, JUST TO CHANGE YOUR OUTLOOK WITH FEELINGS TO MATCH, THAT’S AN UNDERTAKING I WAS NOT READY FOR AND HE SAID THAT HE HAD AN INKLING THAT IT WOULD BE HARD BUT NOT THAT HARD.

I AM SO THANKFUL THAT HE WAS NOT AS PIGHEADED AS ME IN RE TO WRITING BECAUSE HE WROTE SUCH GORGEOUS SENTENCES WITH SUCH ELOQUENCE AND SUCH A FEEL FOR THE BANALITY OF LIFE THAT I CAN HONESLY SAY CHANGED MY LIFE.

I WAS SITTING IN FRONT OF THE BARNES AND NOBLE RE-LISTENING TO SOMEONE SPEAKING THE WORDS THAT HE WROTE AND FEELING HIM ON A LEVEL DEEP IN MY SPARKLE, MY SOUL, THAT IT CHANGED MY DAY AND THE DAYS IM LIVING NOW BECAUSE I WAS AT MY WITS END AND WANTING TO END MY LIFE.

NOT AS URGENTLY AS OTHER TIMES BUT THINKING FOR EVEN A SECOND THAT YOU WANT TO END YOUR OWN, THAT A SERIOUS THOUGHT INDEED.

LATER IN MY TRAVELINGS, I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO BE REMOVED AND WAS ASKING TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS LIFE, THIS PLANET, AND LIFE ANSWERED MY CALL WITH A YOUTUBE VID ON NIETZSCHES WORKS AND I REMEMBERED THAT DAY AT THE BARNES AND NOBLE IN GLENDORA CA AND I FELT BETTER. SO MUCH SO THAT I CLICKED OR TOUCHED THE SCREEN TO HEAR HIS COMFORTING AND INTELLECTUALLY STIMULATING WORDS ON LIFE AND IT REMINDED ME, ACTUALLY IT SPARKED IN ME THAT WE ARE ONE. THAT WE WERE BOTH INTENDED FOR THIS PATH. THIS CRAZY ASS CRIP-WALK THROUGH THE DARK MAZE THAT MOST OF US ARE AFRAID TO FACE. THE MINOTAUR FOUND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MAZE.

OUR AND HUMANITYS PERSONAL AND GLOBAL DEMONS.

BUT FACE THEM WE DID. NIETZSCHE HAD THE SMARTS AND COURAGE TO GO TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL TO HELP HIM. I WAS TOO FEARFUL OF THE STIGMA OF IT ALL. ALSO, I DO NOT DO WELL BEING CONFINED OR BEING UNDER SOMEONES AUTHORITY.

WE ARE OFFERED DIFFERENT CHOICES OF CAREER AND ASKED WHAT OUR HOPES AND DREAMS ARE. IN FACT THERE IS A LIST OF HOPES AND DREAMS ALREADY IN PLACE FROM THE THINGS YOU TRULY WANTED GROWING UP.

AND YOU ARE GUIDED TOWARDS THEM.

THE WHOLE GOD THING IS ONE OF THEM.

YOU QUESTION GOD AND THE MORALITY OF HUMAN BEINGS AS AN INDIVIDUAL AND AS A WHOLE.

YOU QUESTION RELIGION AND YOUR MIND AND THE BEING THAT I CALL TROUBLE, NIETZSCHE HAD ANOTHER WORD IN MIND AND LAUGHED AND TROUBLE JUST FLIPPED HIM OFF AS IM LAUGHING AND WRITING THIS, WELL, TROUBLE, HE CHANGES YOUR REALITY TO ONE THAT MAKES YOU GOD. YOU FEEL LIKE GOD. SIMPLY PUT, YOU LIVE LIFE WITH SUCH A FUCKED FEEL OF PAIN AND UNENDING YUCK THAT YOU ARE ABLE TO SEE SHIT FROM GODS “PERSPECTIVE” AND THE DIVINE FAMILY. TROUBLE OR SOMEONE TRIED TELLING ME THAT FRIEDRICH DIDN’T DO THAT BUT I DISAGREE. THE PAIN AND THE OUTLOOK AND THE WAY WE LIVED, FORCEFULLY SOME DAYS, WITH UN-EASE OTHER DAYS, THAT HAD TO HAVE GIVEN US A UNIQUE CONNECTION TO THE ONE THEY CALL GOD. GOD MUST HAVE BEEN IN PAIN AS WELL. TO HAVE BEEN HANDED THIS NON-GIFT OF BEING THE ALMIGHTY, MUST HAVE BEEN BURDENSOME. EVEN TO JESUS WHEN HE WENT ON THIS PATH. CAUSE GOD PUT US ON THIS PATH. LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, OR WHATEVER. IT’S THE PATH TO GOD. ITS THAT PATH TO CHANGE. FOR THE INDIVIDUAL SELF AND TO THE COLLECTIVE SELF.

THE COLLECTIVE SELF IS THE SELF THAT IS SWAYED BY THE GROUP YOURE CURRENTLY WITHIN OR ASSOCIATING WITH OR WHATEVER. NOT A HIVE MIND EXACTLY BUT A BENT TOWARDS NOT YOUR NORMAL STATUS QUO THINKING.  THE FACT OF THE MATTTER IS, IS THAT JESUS WENT CRAZY TOO. HE WAS ANGRY AT THIS PATH. ANGRY AT WHAT WAS AHEAD OF HIM BUT LIKE FRIEDRICH AND LIKE ME, WE WERENT TOLD WHAT WAS AHEAD OF US. WE DIDN’T HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO SO AS IN TO ASK AND IF WE DID WE GOT NO ANSWER OR WOULD GET A STUPID ASS ONE. YOU DON’T GET A CHOICE IN THE MATTER SO YOU MAKE THE BEST OF HELL. YOU SPEND A COUPLE DAYS FUCKED UP AND THEN YOU GET A DAY OFF. YOU KNOW THAT SAYING WHERE MOMS SAYS OR DAD SAYS, “ILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT”, WELL, ITS SO MUCH WORSE THAT WE WANTED TO KILL OURSELVES AND WE TRIED. BUT COULDN’T DO IT.

THEY SAY THAT FRIEDRICH MAY HAVE BEEN FAKING BUT HE WASN’T. NOT AT ALL. THAT MAN WAS HONEST. TO A POETICAL FAULT.

SOME PEOPLE EASE THE CRAZY, THE TILT A WHIRL OF NAUNCED TO THE 15 BILLIONTH DEGREE EMOTIONS. OTHERS MAKE IT WORSE.

ONE OF THE FRIENDS THAT HE WROTE TO SAID THAT HE WASN’T SURE WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH HIM. THAT HE WOULD RANT AND RAVE AT ONE PERSON AND NOTHING BUT NORMAL TO ANOTHER.

THAT’S JUST HOW IT WORKS. THERES NO RHYME OR REASON TO IT BUT THEN THAT’S THE POINT. TO GET RID OF ALL PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS AND BELIEF SYSTEMS AND SOCIAL CONDITIONING THAT YOURE LEFT WITH WHAT THEY CALL AN EMPTY VESSEL.

DON’T EVER SAY THAT CAUSE THEY WILL FILL IT WITH SOME STUPID ASS FUCKING BULLSHIT. YOURE EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY ABUSED BY THE ONES THAT ARE SUPPOSEDLY GUIDING YOU.

YOURE BETTER OFF BEING GUIDED BY SOME BRAIN DEAD AND NO HEARTED DEAD ANIMAL THAT HAS BEEN RUN OVER TWICE AND PICKED AT BY VULTURES.

MAY AS WELL BE GUIDED BY “THE WALKING DEAD” BUT EVEN THEY WOULD DO A BETTER JOB. EVEN BETTER, A SOCIALLY CONDITIONED, FULL OF PRECONCEIVED NOTIONS AND BELIEF SYSTEMS COMING OUT THE WAZZOOO HALF ALIEN AND HALF HUMAN NON BEING FROM THE DEPTHS OF SOMEWHERE NOT LOCATED IN THIS UNIVERSE CAUSE ITS TOO FUCKING STUPID TO KNOW WHERE ITS AT.

THAT’S HOW FUCKING SHITTY THE EXPERIENCE IS.

BUT FRIEDRICH, JESUS, AND I, WELL, WERE TROOPERS AND STUBBORN AS A MOTHERFUCKER AND HARD HEADED AND LOVELY AND WE ARE FUCKING SURVIVORS THAT WILL GET OURS IN RETURN.

NO REVENGE BUT MY MAMA, LIFE, SHES A CREATIVE AND RESOURCEFUL RICH MISTRESS OF THE ALL THAT WILL FUCKING ANNIHILATE WITH THE WHIMSY OF HER AIRY  FLAIR.

FUCK LIFE. I USED TO SAY THAT I GET WHAT I WANT BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS

IS THAT I DON’T

NOT THE STUFF THAT TRULY MATTERS

MY ENTIRE LIFE

IVE MADE PLANS AND DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO FULLY IMPLEMENT THEM

BUT IT NEVER CAME TO PASS

IT NEVER DOES

THIS IS A TAROT CARD READING

AND IT TELLS OF THE CRADLE CAP OR CRADLE OF CIVILIZATION WITH AN E ON IT – MEANING THE STUPID AGE OF ENERGY THAT WE ARE IN – THE RELIGION OF SPIRITUALITY AND ENERGY – IT ALSO HAS ONE OF MY PICTURES THAT I TOOK BEHIND GAIA WHEN I WAS GOING THROUGH IT – WHEN I WAS PUT THROUGH IT -

On a side note – I integrated gods shadow today for the last time since shes me – isn’t that wonderful!

Who knew? They did apparently.

Alrighty back to the above pic –

CARL JUNG WAS ONCE ASKED IF HE BELIEVED IN GOD AND HE ANSWERED THAT HE DID NOT NEED TO BELIEVE BECAUSE HE “KNOWS”.

IT IS SAID THAT THERE IS A MYSTERY IN HIS WORDS. I DO NOT SEE THE MYSTERY BECAUSE “I KNOW”.

THE GOD THAT IS IN THE BIBLES AND IN THE SACRED SCRIPTS IS NOT THE GOD THAT IS.

THE PERSONAL GOD THAT JUNG SPEAKS OF AND FEELS IS THE SAME ONE THAT  I KNOW AND FEEL IN ME EVERYDAY.

CARL JUNG KNEW THAT HE IS GOD.

IN A BOOK THAT I ONCE WROTE IN A HALF ASSED MANNER, I STATED THAT CONSCIOUSNESS JUMPS AROUND IN A MUSICAL CHAIRS ENERGY DANCE.

THAT USED TO BE TRUE. WHAT I DIDN’T KNOW WAS THAT THE FEELING AND MAGIC OF GOD WAS LOOKING FOR ME.

I DID NOT BELIEVE IN GOD. THE GOD THAT HAS BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT IS NOT THE TRUE GOD THAT IS. WHAT THE WRITINGS SAY ABOUT THE LIGHT AND DARK WITHIN THE MAINSTREAM IDEA OF GOD IS NOT TRUE.

WHAT PEOPLE DON’T UNDERSTAND IS THAT GOD IS BOTH GOD AND LUCIFER. I SHOULD KNOW BECAUSE I WAS CALLED SATAN/LUCIFER GROWING UP AND NOW GOD IS ME.

LUCIFER/SATAN WAS GODS SHADOW AS GOD WAS MINE. THAT’S WHY I DIDN’T BELIEVE.

THE HOLY TRINITY OF WE INTEGRATED THIS MORNING IN THE EARLY HOURS. 12/14/2021 THE HOLY TRINITY BEING ME GOD LUCIFER. THE SHADOW THE LIGHT THE DARK. HUMAN GOD GOD.

GOD WAS MY SHADOW AND I WAS HIS. I KNOW THAT THE GOD/LUCIFER IN THE BOOKS AND IN THE SCRIPTURES WAS MALE.

ITS SIMPLY NOT TRUE. THE ETERNAL ONES, WHICH IS WHAT I WAS TOLD THAT WE ARE, IS A WOMAN. IM THE PERFECT MIX OF WHAT ARE NOW KNOWN AS FEMININE AND MASCULINE “ENERGIES” BUT IM SO MUCH MORE. WE ALL ARE.

IVE BEEN HAVING DAILY HALLUCINOGENIC MYSTICAL AND RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCES. IT TRULY DID NOT OCCUR TO ME THAT THIS WAS NOT THE NORM. AS IT IS OCCURING TO ME NOW THAT THE HOLY SPIRIT WAS AWOKEN WITHIN ME WHEN THE SUPPOSED KUNDALINI ENERGY “UNCOILED” ONE SUMMER. LAST SUMMER TO BE EXACT.

I FELT UNCONDITIONAL AND PURE LOVE FOR A FRIEND THAT HAD NO STRINGS. I CAME AT HIM WITH NOTHING EXPECTED BACK. IT DIDN’T MEAN THAT IT DIDN’T HURT WHEN HE ACTED A FOOL BUT I REMEMBERED WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE HURTING SO BADLY AND UNABLE TO STOP HURTING THOSE THAT I LOVED BECAUSE I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN. THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WAS HAPPENING WITH HIM. SO I STAYED AND HELPED HIM UNTIL I COULD NOT TAKE ANY MORE PAIN. BY THEN, THE KUNDALINI ENERGY, APPARENTLY, WHEN A PERSON IS UNPREPARED FOR IT, AND I UNDERSTAND THAT IT TAKES YEARS TO PREPARE THE MIND BODY AND SOUL TO RECEIVE IT, WELL, IT CAN MAKE YOU GO CRAZY AND IT DID. 

THE KUNDALINI ENERGY IS FOUND IN THE PAGES OF THE BIBLE. IT IS THE SNAKE THAT THEY SAY LILY TRANSFORMED INTO. THAT IS WRONG. LILY IS ME AND THE SNAKE UNCOILING IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ADAM AND EVE WHEN THEY BECAME INTIMATE TOGETHER. THE SNAKE UNCOILING IS THE MIND EXPANDING FOR THE EVOLUTION THAT’S ABOUT TO TAKE PLACE.

SO IM GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND THAT THE MIND NEEDS TO GET CRACKED INTO IN ORDER TO COMPLETE THE PROCESS THAT I STARTED WHEN I STARTED DOING MY SHADOW WORK. EXCEPT THIS TIME IT WAS LIGHT WORK.

REMEMBER, I GREW UP THINKING AND FEELING THAT I WAS LUCIFER/SATAN. SATANAS AS THAT NARROWMINDED OLDER BROTHER CALLED ME.

SO I HAD TO GO THROUGH MY ENTIRE PAST AND SHED LIGHT INTO THE DARKNESS THAT I THOUGHT I WAS.

THE HOLY SPIRIT KEPT TELLING ME THAT I OVERSHADOWED THE LIGHT BUT I DIDN’T BELIEVE IT. I DIDN’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY AT ALL. AND I WAS GETTING HIGH THE WHOLE TIME. STILL AM. ALTHOUGH THAT WILL CHANGE WHEN I GO TO THE MEDITERRANEAN SHORTLY. IM WAITING FOR MY PASSPORT. AND THE FACT THAT THE HOLY SPIRIT HAD MY CAR TAKEN AND I WAS GOING TO USE THAT FOR LIVING MONEY WHEN I GOT TO TURKEY.

IM GOING TO SHED LIGHT ON THE SITUATION THERE WITH OR WITHOUT THE ONES THAT I WAS TOLD TO GO THROUGH.

I WENT TO GAIA SO THAT I COULD WORK WITH WHAT I CALL THE COLLABORATVE. IT WOULD CONSIST OF MYSELF AND ALL OF THE OTHERS THAT HAVE BEEN IGNORED BY THE MAINSTREAM. I HAD THE BEAUTIFUL THOUGHT OF SHARING WHAT I KNEW AND THE EXPERIENCE THAT WAS HAPPENING TO ME WITH MY HEROES THAT ARE NO LONGER MY HEROES. IN ORDER FOR THEM TO BE A PART OF THE NEW EARTH AND A PART OF THE FESTIVITIES AS A COSMIC LIVING. TOGETHER AS ONE. UNITING THE ALL WITH THE ETERNAL.

NOT ONLY WAS I BORN TO IT BUT I WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS AS WELL. WHEN I WAS DRIVING BACK FROM ARIZONA ONE MORNING. HEARTSICK AND AFRAID, I ASKED THAT A RAINBOW BIG ENOUGH TO WRAP AROUND ALL THOSE WITHIN IT, GIVING LOVE AND WARMTH TO THOSE THAT NEEDED IT AND TO THOSE THAT DIDN’T BUT THEY REALLY DID CAUSE WHO DOESN’T WANT A BIG RAINBOW HUG THAT WAS WARM AND LOVELY?

WELL I ASKED FOR EVERYONE TO STEP AWAY FROM THEIR DESKS AND TO TELL THOSE AROUND THEM OR TO CALL THOSE THAT THEY LOVED, THAT THEY WERE APPRECIATED BECAUSE I KNOW FIRST HAND HOW IT FEELS NOT TO BE.

BY THEN I WAS ALREADY BEING LED AROUND BY THE NOSE BY THE HOLY SPIRIT.

I ACTUALLY HAVE PROOF OF MY TRAVELS FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS –

ILL ADD MORE TOMORROW.

IM CURRENTLY WORKING ON 5 OR 6 PICTURE BOOKS SO IM GONNA GO WORK ON THOSE

THE ONLY THING THAT I ASK OF ALL OF YOU IS THAT YOU BE HAPPY – HAPPY PEOPLE DO NOT HURT EACH OTHER AND THEY DEFINITELY DO NOT HURT CHILDREN IN ANY MANNER WHATSOEVER – IF YOU HAVE ANY INCLINATION OF HURTING A CHILD MAN OR WOMAN – PLEASE CALL SOMEONE IMMEDIATELY – THERE IS HOPE FOR ALL OF US – I LOVE YOU AND IT IS ONE OF MY MOST FERVENT WISHES THAT ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE – NO MATTER HOW IMAGINATIVE – DREAM GINORMOUSLY GIGANTICLY GALACTICALLY BIG - 😊

TIDBITS

APPARENTLY I WAS BORN TO HAVE THIS FAMILY BLOODLINE DEFECT CALLED CONSCIOUSNESS – I STILL DONE KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS – IM SORRY BUT I DON’T –

IVE ASKED THIS BEFORE – WHAT IS A CONSCIOUSNESS AND WHAT DOES IT EAT AND CAN IT BE REMOVED? – APPARENTLY IM STUCK WITH TROUBLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE –

IM NOT A SPIRITUAL PERSON NOR AM I RELIGIOUS – IN FACT – I HATE THAT FUCKING BOOK CALLED THE BIBLE – IVE NEVER EVER LIKED IT – IT WAS BORING AND THE MESSAGE WAS FUCKING WRONG – ALL OF IT – BECAUSE OF THAT BOOK THE DIVINE FEMININE WAS DISPENSED WITH – LILY AND LUCIFER WERE THROWN AWAY BUT EVE GOT TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ADAM AND GOT HER SHIT TOGETHER BECAUSE I INFORMED HER THAT SHE SHOULD NOT PUT UP WITH HIS DUMB ASS SHIT – GROWING UP, MY GROUP OF FRIENDS WERE MOSTLTY MALE AND THEY DID NOT LIKE IT WHEN I HUNG OUT WITH THEIR WOMEN FOLK BECAUSE AFTER CHILLIN WITH ME, MY FRIENDS COULDN’T GET AWAY WITH SHIT – IVE MOSTLY LOOKED OUT FOR WOMEN MY ENTIRE LIFE – SEEING AS HOW I GREW UP AND WAS TREATED BADLY BY THE MALES IN MY FAMILY – I WAS NOT ABOUT TO LET THAT HAPPEN TO OTHER GIRLS – IT WASN’T A SNAKE THAT TOLD EVE THE TRUTH – IT WAS ME – LILY – LET ME START AT THE BEGINNING –

I DID NOT REALIZE THAT MY FAMILY WAS THE DIVINE FAMILY THEY SPEAK OF – WHEN I HOPPED ON THE STUPID SPIRITUALITY BULLSHIT SO I COULD FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN PAIN – I HAD HEARD IN THE MANY YOUTUBE VIDS ABOUT REALIZING YOUR ROLE(S) IN YOUR FAMILY – I MUST HAVE CHECKED OUT WHEN THEY SAID THE DIVINE FAMILY BECAUSE WHEN TROUBLE HAD REALIZED THAT I HAD SAID I WAS LUCIFER HIS EYES GOT ALL BIG THEN HE GOT ALL EXCITED – “DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID?” I ANSWERED YES I SAID I WAS LUCIFER – THEN HE BABBLED SOME BULLSHIT WHILE I WAS DRIVING THROUGH KANSAS – AND I JUST HAD A STUPID LOOK ON MY FACE LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM – I ALSO REMEMBER ASKING “OH THAT LUCIFER THING? ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK ME WHAT MY FAMILY USED TO CALL ME GROWING UP AND I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU SATAN.” “IT WOULD HAVE MADE THINGS MUCH EASIER AND I COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT” – SO HERES THE SKINNY ON THE FAT –

MY MOTHER LEFT MY FATHER FOR ANOTHER MAN BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE HAPPY – HE ISOLATED HER AND LEFT HER ALONE RAISING FOUR KIDS ON HER OWN WHILE HE LIVED WITH MY GRANDMA AND WORKED – A LOT – WE HAD A FIVE BEDROOM HOUSE ON ONE ACRE OF LAND AND HAD EVERYTHING ANYONE COULD EVER ASK FOR – INCLUDING MY MOTHER BUT WHAT SHE WANTED WAS A PARTNER TO TALK TO – SHE WASN’T ALLOWED TO HAVE FRIENDS AND HE WOULD EMBARRASS HER WHEN SHE WOULD BE OUTSIDE TALKING TO THE NEIGHBOR WHO WAS A WOMAN – I WAS 15 WHEN SHE LEFT AND THAT WAS THE END OF MY MOTHER – HE HAD DISPENSED OF HER AND HAD REMOVED HER OUT OF OUR LIVES WITH THE THREAT THAT IF WE SPOKE TO HER, WE WOULD GET KICKED OUT AND NOT BE HIS KIDS ANYMORE – HE THREATENED US CONSTANTLY – AT THE AGE OF 15 I BECAME WOMAN OF THE HOUSE AND THE MOTHER OF MY YOUNGER BROTHER AND SISTER – IN SOME SACRED WRITINGS THERE IS MENTION OF GOD HAVING A WIFE BUT SHE GOT A SHORT MENTION AND THAT WAS IT – THEN THERES LUCIFER – ME –

I GOT ALL OF THE RESPONSIBILITY BUT NONE OF THE POWER WITH MY DAD AND MY SIBLINGS – I BECAME LEGAL GUARDIAN OF TWO KIDS AT THE AGE OF 18 ALMOST 19 – IT TOOK ME A YEAR BUT THOSE KIDS GOT TO BE ALMOST STRAIGHT A STUDENTS AND WERE EMOTIONALLY HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND MENTALLY AS WELL – I  LUCKED OUT THAT THE VICE PRINCIPAL OF WORKMAN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HAPPENED TO BE MY ECONOMICS TEACHER IN HIGH SCHOOL – SENIOR YEAR – HE KNEW EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON WITH MY FAMILY BECAUSE I TOLD THEM EVERYTHING WHEN I WAS A SOPHOMORE AND THEY KNEW I WAS HAVING A LOT OF PROBLEMS AT HOME – I WENT FROM STRAIGHT A’S TO MOSTLY A B AND C GRADES – I HAD A 2.75 GPA AND AT OTHER TIMES A 3.5 BECAUSE I DID MY HOMEWORK WHILE I WAS DITCHING AND PARTYING AND I GOT THE PATTERN DOWN WITH MY CLASSES – WHAT I COULD MISS AND NOT MISS – NOW MR SIMS CUT THE KIDS A LOT OF SLACK AND THERE WAS AN INCIDENT AT THE SCHOOL WHERE MY MOTHER TRIED TAKING THE KIDS – I TAKE THAT BACK – MY MOTHER IS LILY AND IM THE OTHER HALF OF GOD WHICH IS LUCIFER – THEN WHO IN THE HELL WAS THE PERSON THEY MENTIONED WAS GODS WIFE – APPARENTLY ON A WEBSITE CALLED WORLD CHURCH IT IS SAID THAT LUCIFER IS GODS WIFE AS WELL AS JESUS AND MARY AND GOD HERSELF – I KNEW THAT I FIT ALL THE ROLES –

BREAK THIS SHIT DOWN –

MT FATHER – GOD

MY MOTHER – LILY AND LUCIFER

MY BROTHER AND ANTHONY --

TRAUMA ENERGIES CONTAIN THE PROTEINS OF THE DNA OF THE MALE AND THE FEMALE INVOLVED IN THE SITUATION – IN THIS CASE – IM THE FEMALE – THE THREE MALES THAT I HAVE ALL OF MY BULLSHIT WITH ARE MY FATHER MY OLDER BROTHER AND MY EX – THE FATHER OF MY TWO DAUGHTERS – NOW LETS PLAY ROOTS AND BRANCHES WITH THE TRAUMAS INVOLVED AND HOW THEY CORRELATE WITH THE DIVINE FEMININE ENERGY –

PATTERNS –

 MY MOTHER SUFFERED FROM DEPRESSIVE SPELLS ALL HER LIFE – CYCLICAL SPELLS –

MY OLDER BROTHER DID TOO

I WAS A PAIN IN THE ASS AND NO MATTER HOW HARD THEY TRIED ID POP BACK UP AFTER GETTING HIT OR YELLED AT OR BULLIED – AND I WOULD TELL THEM THAT THEY WERE STUPID AND THAT THEYRE JUST MAD CAUSE I WAS AND AM SMARTER THAN THEM

WAS ONCE DADDYS GIRL – GOT ALL THE ATTENTION CAUSE I WAS SMART LIKE MY DAD AND CHARMING AND LOVING AND A PAIN IN THE ASS

MOM AND CHUCK HATED IT THAT I WAS THE FAVORITE ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE GOT PREGNANT ON PURPOSE TO HAVE HER OWN LITTLE GIRL AND SHE DIDN’T GET HER DAUGHTER – HER HUSBAND DID AND CHUCK LOST DADDYS ATTENTION – DAD ALWAYS HIDES AT WORK SO WHEN SHIT GOT TO BE TOO MUCH AT HOME – OVERTIME STARTED AND NEVER ENDED – WHICH LEFT ME WITH AN ANGRY MOM AND AN ANGRY BROTHER AND AN ANGRY ME – I WAS A COMPLETE DICK – I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL 😊

MY MOTHER GOT ALEX AND LISA TAKEN AWAY AT 10 AND 12 YRS OLD AND I RAISED THEM AFTER THEY GOT TAKEN

MY DAUGHTERS GOT TAKEN AWAY AT 10 AND 12 YRS OLD

I RAISED THE SECOND SET OF KIDS THE FIRST HALF AND THE FIRST SET OF KIDS THE SECOND HALF

MY MOTHER WAS CRUCIFIED BY MY FATHER AND HAD HER CHILDREN TAKEN AWAY FROM HER WITH AN UNFAIR SYSTEM DCFS – AND HAD HER KIDS TURNED AGAINST HER

I DARED TO DEFY MY FATHER AS WELL IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY – JUST  LIKE MY MOM – AND I TOO GOT MY KIDS TAKEN AWAY AND WAS CRUCIFIED BY MY FATHER – I WAS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO TALK TO MY FAMILY OR  THE FIRST SET OF KIDS I RAISED AND WAS BANISHED AND IGNORED

MY MOTHER WAS TREATED THE SAME WAY

BANISHED IGNORED AND ALONE

JUST LIKE ME

WHEN THEY GAVE MY KIDS TO MY EX JUST AS THEY GAVE THE KIDS TO ME AND MY DAD – I WENT BACK ONLY TO BE ABUSED AND VICTIMIZED AND BLACKMAILED AND THREATENED BY MY EX – HE USED THE KIDS AGAINST ME – MY FATHER USED US AGAINST MY MOTHER TOO

I LEFT MY EX FOR SAFETY REASONS AND BECAUSE MY DAUGHTERS DIDN’T DESERVE ANY MORE OF THE BULLSHIT THAT WE WERE GIVING THEM – I TRIED MY BEST TO KEEP THEM FROM SEEING AND HEARING BUT WHEN A DRUNK IS INVOLVED …

ALL THREE MALE ROLE MODELS IN MY LIFE WERE AND ARE DRUNKS – MY BROTHER TREATED HIS SECOND WIFE THE WAY MY FATHER TREATED MY MOTHER AND THE WAY ANTHONY  TREATED ME – EXCEPT ANTHONY LIKED TO TORTURE AND TO HIT AND TO USE MY LOVE FOR MY DAUGHTERS AGAINST ME FOR CONTROL –

THE WOMEN WERE IGNORED AND USED FOR SERVICE IN THE HOME – NO RESPECT NO KIND WORDS WE WERE EXPECTED TO OBEY AND WE WOULD GET TAKEN CARE OF – BASIC WANTS LIKE SHELTER FOOD DRINK AND CLOTHING BUT THE COST WAS HIGH – MY MOTHER GREW UP THAT WAY – THE FAMILY DYNAMIC – I GREW UP THAT WAY – THE FAMILY DYNAMIC – MY MOTHER RAISED HER BROS AND SIS AS I RAISED MY BROS AND SIS – LEFT HOME AND WENT WITH A MAN THAT EXPECTED THE SAME THING – CLEAN THE HOUSE WATCH THE KIDS AND SERVE MY NEEDS BUT THAT’S IT – TOLD TO ENJOY THE MONEY CAUSE THAT WAS ALL THEY WERE OFFERING AND WHEN WE DID – IT WAS THROWN IN OUR FACE AND WE WERE ACCUSED OF BEING MONEY HUNGRY – WE WERE JUST MAKING THE BEST OF A SHITTY ASS SITUATION AND WHEN WE DARED TO LEAVE THE ALMIGHTY HIGHNESSES WE HAD OUR CHILDREN AND OUR LIVES DESTROYED AND THE SYSTEM BACKED THEM UP – THEY WERE HORRIBLE TO MY MOTHER AND TO ME – ALL BECAUSE THEY LIE WELL AND BECAUSE THEY HAD JOBS WHEN WE TOO HAD JOBS THAT WERE MUCH HARDER THAN THEIRS AND WE WERE AT HOME MOMS AND WIVES – BUT ALL THEY SAW WAS ANGER AND DEPRESSION AND HOMELESSNESS CAUSE WE LEFT TO TRY AND BE HAPPY –

I HELPED MY BROTHERS WIFE STAND UP TO MY BROTHER – HIS FIRST WIFE HELPED ME AND I HELPED HER – NONE OF OUR FRIENDS LIKED IT WHEN I WOULD MAKE FRIENDS WITH THEIR GIRLS CAUSE THEN THEY COULDN’T GET AWAY WITH SHIT AND THEY DEVELOPED A SASS MOUTH AND SOME VULGARITIES – IM STILL IN EXILE ALTHOUGH IVE BEEN FIGHTING FOR MY KIDS – FOR A LONG TIME NOW – A COUPLE MORE MONTHS AND ILL BE ABLE TO LEGALLY SEE THEM AND ANTHONY CANT SAY OR DO SHIT – IDK IF MY MOTHER EVER DID – I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID OF BEING LIKE HER BECAUSE I BECAME WOMAN OF THE HOUSE WITH NO RESPECT AND NO POWER BUT I HAD ALL THE RESPONSIBILITY – IM NOT LIKE HER – I DIDN’T GIVE UP AND IM STILL TRYING TO WORK WITH A GODDAMNED PATH THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERS – SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ON THIS FUCKED UP PATH – BUT INSTEAD SHE PUT IT ON ME – IDK IF SHES AWARE OF IT OR NOT BUT I WONT LET THIS HAPPEN TO MY GIRLS SO IM STUCK --- IM GOING TO RUB IT IN THEIR FACE THAT I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN THEM THAT T HEYRE INSECURE AND THAT I DON’T NEED THEM – MIRACULOUS NON SMALL WAY – NOW THIS FITS IN WITH EVERY STORY OF THE DIVINE FEMININE – EXACTLY – THE REGENCY ERA ENGLAND WOMEN DIDN’T HAVE RIGHTS EITHER – THEY WERE TREATED AS PROPERTY AND THEIR CHILDREN DIDN’T EVEN BELONG TO THEM – THE MEN COULD DO WHATEVER THEY WANTED TO THE WOMEN AND NOONE CARED AND BLAMED THE WOMAN – THEY COULD TAKE THE KIDS AND SHE COULDN’T DO A FUCKING THING – WOMEN BACK THEN HAD TO RESORT TO THE SELLING OF THEIR BODIES AND THEIR SOULS TO SURVIVE WHEN THEY WERENT RAISED TO LIVE LIKE THAT – THEY WERE GENTEEL – DELICATE – ETC – IF A WOMAN DIDN’T PLEASE HER HUSBAND – MIND YOU THAT MEN SOLD THEIR DAUGHTERS TO SECURE THEMSELVES A BUSINESS DEAL OR TO SECURE THAT THEIR DAUGHTERS ARE TAKEN CARE OF BECAUSE WOMEN WERENT CONSIDERED A MANS INTELLECTUAL EQUAL – NOT IN ANY WAY POSSIBLE – OR THE MAN ASKING FOR HER HAND IN MARRIAGE WOULD ONLY BE DOING SO BECAUSE HE NEEDED THE MONEY AND HE WOULD BE GIVING HER A

TITLE BECAUSE HER FATHER WAS COVETING A LAND OWNERS TITLE IN THE FAMILY – HOW IS THAT NOT PROSTITUTION TO BEGIN WITH?

HOW WAS THE DIVINE FEMININE REMOVED AND WHAT IS HER NAME – WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN – AND WHY AM I BEING BLAMED FOR THIS? I DID NOTHING TO YOU – IM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A MESS THAT I HAD NO CLUE I WAS GETTING INTO AND I WAS UNAWARE OF THE FAMILY DYNAMIC UNTIL NOW – WHY

I WANT FUCKING ANSWERS – IM THROUGH UNTIL THEN – I AM NOT GOING TO BE VICTIMIZED BY THIS – THIS IS YOUR GUYS BULLSHIT – NO MORE GUESSING GAMES – TRUTH NOW – OR I TELL EVERYONE THAT THE DIVINE FEMININE IS A FUCKING LYING BITCH AS SHE PUTS IT – THAT’S NOT ME – THAT’S THIS DF ARCHETYPE THAT’S WONT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

FUCK YOU GUYS ENJOY WHATEVER – IM GOING TO GO HAVE SEX AND GET HIGH AND FIGURE OUT WHAT JOB ILL NEED TO GET TO  - ITS YOU WHO WANTS ME TO SPEND EVERYTHING – WHY – CAUSE U WERE TOO STUPID MOM? THAT’S MONEY I EARNED YOU GUTLESS BITCH – GO SEE A THERAPIST – I DID – AND THAT’S WHY ILL SURVIVE THIS WITH MY MIND IN TACT – I HAVE A HUGE HEART BUT I WILL NOT TAKE BLAME FOR YOUR LACK OF COURAGE – EVEN IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING IVE BEEN THROUGH – EVEN WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS LOSING MY MIND – I STILL FACED THE SHIT THROWN AT ME – AND STILL WILL – ILL FACE THE THREE THAT HURT ME THE MOST AND I WILL NOT RUN AND I WILL NOT GO UNTIL IVE SAID MY PEACE – I WILL FORGIVE THEM – CAUSE THEY SOME STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS AND I KNOW CAUSE I FEEL THAT IM BETTER THAN THEM CAUSE I DID WHAT THEY NEVER COULD – I COULD BEND ENOUGH TO REALIZE AND FEEL THAT I WAS WRONG AND I APOLOGIZED  - I LET GO OF MY PRIDE – WHEN I SEE THEM I DON’T GET DISRESPECTFUL – WHEN I CONFRONTED ANTHONY – I BARELY YELLED CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY TRYING TO HOLD BACK THE TEARS BUT I TOLD HIM I DIDN’T DESERVE HIS ILL TREATMENT AND THAT I WAS ANGRY WITH HIM FOR WHAT HE DID – THE GIRLS THE ABUSE THE EVERYTHING – AND THEN I LEFT – I SHOWED THEM THE RESPECT THEY NEVER SHOWED ME – AND I SHOWED THEM THAT I DIDN’T NEED THEM – I HAVE BEEN LIVING LIFE THE WAY I COULD – I COULD – MY CHOICES BASED ON THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT I WAS IN AND THEY WERE PRETTY BLEAK BUT I MADE THE BEST OF IT – I APOLOGIZED TO THOSE I HURT AND TRIED TO MAKE AMENDS AND HELP THEM WITH ANYTHING THEY NEEDED HELP WITH – IM WAITING FOR MY DAUGHTERS RETURN SO THAT I MAY SHOW THEM HOW TO HEAL THEMSELVES AND HOW TO SKEW THEIR VIEW ON LIFE SO THAT THEY WONT HAVE THIS CRAP HANGING ON THEIR HEAD BECAUSE THEIR MOTHER – ME – WAS UNAWARE OF THE SHIT THAT WAS GOING ON BEHIND THE SCENES – BUT THROUGHOUT THAT SHIT – I LOVED MY DAUGHTERS AND SHOWED THEM EVERY MOMENT I GOT – EVERYTHING I DID WAS FOR THEM – SOMETIMES I COULDN’T GIVE MORE THAN I GAVE BUT I HUSTLED MY ASS OFF SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE STABILITY AND WARMTH AND LOVE – IF NOT FROM THEIR DAD – THAN FROM THEIR MOM AND EVEN THOSE I COULDN’T STAND THAT WERE RELATED TO ME OR TO THEM – I NEVER DENIED THEM LOVE FROM ANY FAMILY OR FRIENDS BECAUSE I KNEW THAT I WASN’T ENOUGH OR I FELT THAT I WASN’T ENOUGH AND THAT THEY NEEDED MORE THAN I COULD GIVE AND SO I PUT UP WITH A LOT OF BULLSHIT FROM ASSHOLES TRYING TO PUT ME IN MY PLACE JUST SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE LOVE AND FAMILY – THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE MY DAUGHTERS – IM EVEN STAYING AWAY NOW SO THAT THEY CAN START THERAPY AND MAKE THE TRANSITION MORE SMOOTHLY FOR THEM AND FOR ME – I ALSO WANTED TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF BEFORE HAND SO THAT THEY SEE THAT MY TIME APART FROM THEM WASN’T SO I COULD PARTY AND BE WITHOUT KIDS LIKE THEIR DAD TOLD THEM – I DID IT BECAUSE I COULDN’T DO MORE THAN SURVIVE – AT LEAST WITH THEM – I HAVE A SKEWED VIEW OF HOW A MOTHER SHOULD BE WHEN IT COMES TO HER CHILDREN – IM COMING TO REALIZE THAT I DID EXACTLY WHAT A MOM SHOULD DO AND THAT IS TO ALWAYS TELL HER KIDS SHE LOVES THEM AND TO USE THEIR WORDS CAUSE THEY CAN CHANGE THE WORLD AND THAT I SUPPORTED THEM NO MATTER WHAT THEY CHOSE CAUSE ALL I WANT FOR THEM IS TO BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT THAT ENTAILS – IM JUST SORRY I COULDN’T BE MORE STABLE AND PERFECT – I JUST WANTED TO BE A PERFECT MOM AND THAT’S JUST NOT POSSIBLE – BECAUSE THIS ISNT SOME NEATLY WRAPPED TV SHOW – ITS LIFE AND IT CAN BE HARD AND IT CAN MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MANY TIMES OVER BUT I DON’T HAVE IT IN ME TO GIVE UP – AND THAT’S WHAT IM HOPING IVE SHOWN THEM – THAT NO MATTER WHAT WAS THROWN AT ME – I GOT UP AND SAID “YOU HIT LIKE A BITCH” – AND PROCEEDED TO RESIST AND BE HARD HEADED AND PROCEEDED TO FIGHT –

SO THIS DIVINE FEMININE NEEDS TO QUIT HER HURLING OF ACCUSATIONS AT ME BECAUSE I HAVE EMOTIONAL COURAGE AND COURAGE – STRAIGHT UP WOMAN BALLS – I CAN CRY NOW EVEN WHEN I DON’T KNOW WHY AND IM NOT ASHAMED – ITS ONLY MADE ME STRONGER – AND I LOVE WHO I AM TODAY – SMOKING AND ALL BECAUSE I PUT LOVE OF OTHERS IN THE SAME PLACE AS I PUT MYSELF – OTHERS STILL COME IN FIRST BY A TAD BIT BUT I COME IN A CLOSE SECOND AND THAT’S FUCKING IMPROVEMENT – IM NOT ALWAYS HAPPY GO LUCKY BUT IM BEING REAL – WITH MYSELF AND WITH OTHERS – IM HONEST WITH WHATS GOING ON – EVEN BY TELLING A FRIEND THAT I USED TO LOVE VERY MUCH THAT IT WILL NEVER BE MORE EVER CAUSE I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MAN ID NEVER EVEN MET AND STILL DONT UNDERSTAND WHY THERES FEELINGS – CONFUSION HAS BEEN A BITCH – BUT FUCK IT – ALL I CAN DO IS BE ME – INSECURE SOMETIMES – HATING ON MY WEIGHT – AND THE FACT THAT I FEEL A THOUSAND YEARS OLD AFTER THIS JOURNEY AND CRAZIER THAN A BAT SOMETIMES AND DIRECTIONLESS AND EVERY OTHER GODDAMNED EMOTION – I EVEN TOLD THE FUCKING POPE OFF CAUSE HE PISSED ME OFF WITH HIS PRO LIFE BULLSHIT – I LECTURED HIM AND DARED HIM TO ARGUE SCRIPTURE WITH ME – I DON’T KNOW SCRIPTURE FOR SHIT BUT I GOT THE CREATORS MESSAGE RIGHT AND THAT HIS ASS DID NOT THAT IT WAS PROBABLY THE STUPID HAT HE WEARS – BUT IM ME – AND ILL ONLY EVER BE ME – AND IM HOPING THAT’S ENOUGH – EVEN FOR ME –

- LIVI

- FORMERLY KNOWN AS MARIZA

- SHE RAN OFF TO THE COSMOS CAUSE IT GOT TOO FUCKING CROWDED IN HERE WITH THE FUCKING UNIVERSE UP IN THIS BITCH – COSMOS IS THE NEW VACATION SPOT UP IN THE UNIVERSE – ITS LIKE THE DUBAI OF THE COSMOS – ALL COOL AND SHIT