Wonder

I wonder if my dad knows that I dream of what our old life looked like

I hope he remembers teaching me how to cut an onion like I remember learning

I wonder if he knows that I’m still afraid of the dark

I know he doesn’t because he broke my nightlight when we moved, and never got another

I wonder if he remembers cleaning the blood off my wrists when I overdosed

He turned off his reminder to check on me months ago 

I wonder if he misses watching TV with me at dinner

Yesterday, I listened to him watching Survivor with my stepmom as I ate dinner alone

I wonder if he remembers holding my hands away from my face as I had panic attacks to prevent bruising 

A week ago, I used makeup to cover up all the bruises on my forehead from a panic attack

I wonder if he knows how hard I try to keep clean

I sit on the floor every Friday as he scolds all the areas I missed

I wonder if he hears my cries as I lose myself to sadness 

I heard him turn the record player up as I cried the last time

I wonder if he knows that my drawers are full of suicide notes

When I die, I wonder if he’ll remember all the times I begged for help 

I wonder if he’ll remember just how much more important my stepmom and stepbrother seem to be. 

--Luluolo, 20/10/2025

Theme : Self

Image source:https://pixabay.com/photos/stairs-staircase-dark-room-night-7104607/