When writing--a brief informational essay for a web page, for example--you should try to be concise.
Below are two excerpts from a backgrounder on the famous pirate Sir Francis Drake. How did the writer go about making the second passage more concise?
(first version)
In reputation, Francis Drake was a towering figure and man more famous than all the other sailors of his day. He was a brilliant seaman. He was ambitious, brave and ruthless in piracy just as he was in war.
Drake was born to strongly Protestant Devon farmers. When he was young his family was driven from their home in the middle of a Catholic uprising. Some years later, he made his first ocean voyage with his cousin, who was the pirate and slave trader John Hawkins. Drake was with Hawkins in 1567 on an expedition to New Spain (Mexico) that was ambushed by the Spanish at San Juan de Ulua, also known as Castle of San Juan de Ulúa, which is near Veracruz, Mexico. The ambush turned into a battle that lasted four days and left many English sailors dead. It also resulted in the capture of the slave cargo and a ship owned by Queen Elizabeth. (157 words)
(revised version)
Francis Drake towered above all the other sailors of his day. A brilliant seaman, he was ambitious, brave and ruthless in piracy and war.
Drake was born to strongly Protestant Devon farmers who were driven from their home by a Catholic uprising. He made his first voyage with his cousin, the pirate and slave trader John Hawkins, and was with him on the 1567 expedition to New Spain (Mexico) that was ambushed by the Spanish at San Juan de Ulua. The four-day battle left many English dead, and saw the capture of the slave cargo and a ship owned by Queen Elizabeth. (102 words)
From the Website Elizabeth’s Pirates at www.channel4.com/history/microsites/H/history/pirates/index.html
Viewed 11/15/2010
So…what techniques were used to make the second version a full one third shorter? Also, has any vital information been sacrificed in the shorter version?
Scroll Down to See a Few Editing "Tricks"
I. Cut words that are not needed or are already implied
In reputation, Francis Drake was a towering figure and man more famous than all the other sailors of his day.
Becomes
Francis Drake towered above all the other sailors of his day.
II. Cut "extra" factual information that bogs the reader down
Drake was with Hawkins in 1567 on an expedition to New Spain (Mexico) that was ambushed by the Spanish at San Juan de Ulua, also known as Castle of San Juan de Ulúa, which is near Veracruz, Mexico.
Becomes
...and was with him on the 1567 expedition to New Spain (Mexico) that was ambushed by the Spanish at San Juan de Ulua.
III. Use a phrase instead of a clause to be more concise
his cousin, who was the pirate and slave trader John Hawkins.
Becomes
his cousin, the pirate and slave trader John Hawkins
IV. Combine sentences to improve flow and eliminate words, often by turning a phrase into an adjective
The ambush turned into a battle that lasted four days and left many English sailors dead. It also resulted in the capture of the slave cargo and a ship owned by Queen Elizabeth.
Becomes
The four-day battle left many English dead, and saw the capture of the slave cargo and a ship owned by Queen Elizabeth
Did you spot any other techniques for making writing concise?