Hash Trash - Trail 76 - Highland Games and the Fat Boy after

Greetings Yall,

We could not have asked for a more perfect weekend on the banks of the Shenandoah in West Virginia. The sky was blue, the water warm, and the Porta John was empty. Most people arrived on Saturday with the exception of the Hares who showed up on Friday to drink and be drunk I guess. I even hear tale that Hangman allowed them into his house for some grub and love at some point.

But enough about Friday I wasn’t around and neither were most of you so I am sure we can all agree it was boring and sucked.Saturday started off with a bang with me (Herpicles) taking a poop in the Porta John and to my dismay it was already Christened by I believe Sizzle Sac. We started to get a drinking and people slowly trickled in to join us in our circle of chairs to join the drinking fun. We told jokes, used props to represent sexual organs, talked of times past, and basked in the warmth of our STD’s. It felt like the joy luck club all over again.

Meanwhile Hangman, NFHN Leita, and NFHN Rick were working there arse’s off dragging down wood and chopping up wood for us to have a fire for cooking and cardboard burning. I “wood” like to thank you again for the fire and tolerating us making big wood jokes at your expense. Wood know. I pine to do this again sometime.

It wasn’t until Incredible Edible Shmegg arrived with a most gracious of gifts which was a full keg of beeeeeeeeeeer that things really got underway. The suds were flying and the mugs a lifting in toasts to the brining of the second keg. Sizzle Sac, Incredible Edible Shmegg, and Herpicles spent the next 5 hours talking with a Scottish / Irish / French / Pirate accents driving Taste The RainBlow and many others crazy. The accents got better the drunker these half minds proceeded to get.

Our next surprise was the return of a hasher who doesn’t know how to say goodbye. Givr Givr decided to show up out of the blue wait no more like a murky brown to grace us with his tallness and tales of super STD’s. He even brought along his squeeze NFHN Danielle aka Foreskin Tree who was a little shy at first but slowly warmed up to us.

St. Beatadick the First and Green Nuts from our mother hash made the trip up to see how we Hillbillies role. I know they had a great time because they told me so. These guys were so drunk it made me jealous how much beer they could hold. They even sung us a few songs I have never heard before. Don’t ask me what they were because I forgot due to beers.

With everyone nice and sloshed already it was time was get the games underway. Fuzzy Butt’s wife brought along her bag pipes and played them beautifully with Sizzle Sac leading the procession with his Labatt Blue wizard staff. We then had a rave with some dancing to the bag pipes until we got winded and had to get another beer since we spilled them while busting a groove.

Hangman eventually blew his horn indicating we should circle up. He was equipped with one of those African safari hats and a saber. Why he was dressed like this I have no idea but I wear a toga so I don’t ask these questions of other people. He looked good to me both front and back.

The circle festivities were complete with a tapping of the second keg and the torch (lighter) lighting ceremony. Many heart felt speeches were given and explanation of some of the games. The first game was the shot off where we had o dress up as the shot we were given.

First place went to Couff and Hose Head who dressed like morticians and made some nasty green stuff, Herpicles came in second dressed like Uncle Sam serving up some sweet shit with pop rocks, and third place went to Menage A Who and She Sucks Senior Semen who were dressed like sluts (Normal clothing) and served up red headed sluts. If we were not drunk before we sure were afterwards.

The next event was the dizzy bat relay. For this event teams of four had run to a wiffle ball bat across a field then spin around the wiffle ball bat filled with beer 5 times then down down it and then run back to their team until all 4 members had gone. Apparently our hares are bad at math… Taste The RainBlow. We didn’t have enough people for everyone to participate on a team so Herpicles insisted on competing on his own team. He picked up Eats Ticks making it two but due to some injuries on other teams they were both placed on a full team of 4 before having to compete.

Let me tell you about some of these injuries. Couff was the first to go down after spinning 5 times around the bat and face shoulder planting into the ground. He was in good spirits and managed to walk away unscathed. The next injury occurred on the way to the wiffle ball bat when Incredible Edible Shmegg face planted with a smile on his face into the grass and was out for the remainder of the day. We found him sometime later that night on a piece of cardboard near the fire with patches snuggling with him.

The final two teams which consisted of Herpicles, Eat Ticks, and two other peoples vs. Menage A Who, She Sucks Senior Semen, and two other people had to battle for supremecy with two people downing a full wiffle ball bat before the other team. Despite the girls team trying to distract us with how far they could stick a wiffle ball bat down their thoughts the day went to the guys team.

Our next event was the blind fold piggy back ride where teams of two had run down the field go around a tree then return to start whiles the driver was blind folded and the passenger had to drink a beer. I am not sure who won but it was fun if not tiring.

Our next event I think was the kaber toss. I am not sure if we ever did this but I do remember throwing it around it may have been just for funsies or it may have me in my tent with Stoopid Yogurt Bush later that night.

The final event was the cardboard boat race in which we had to make boats out of cardboard we could sit in and race down river. It was a catastrophe watching all these drunk half minds try to engineer something out of cardboard in 30 minutes that would be capable of floating down river. Many seaman were lost that day. Our most successful boat was I believe St. Beatadick the First who simply tied and empty beer box to himself and swam down river.

The games at this point came to a close and we spent the rest of the time drinking, partying, or passed out. We had some burgers and other sides for dinner. At some point during the night some people were having sex and someone was fighting with someone else. We also had a visit from a real life redneck we had to kick out of the camp for being a mean red neck. His god damn kids ate all of our cheese and bread and hit someone with a stick.

The next morning we awoke and made omelets by boiling them in plastic bags with peppers sliced with a knife used to cut poison ivy down with. We noticed we were missing many hashers who had left sometime during the day before or earlier that morning. We proceeded to float the remaining keg and bitched about having to do trail. Herpicles played the roll of RA and was as you would have expected it to be as him as RA.

Eventually the pack was off up the hill to NFHN Leita place where we had a beer check and short hot tub party. The view from her place is amazing minus all the ugly naked people. Trail was ended with a very fun circle where we had the opportunity to sing hot vagina to a group of 16-17 year old female tubers on the way down to the river and Herpicles killed Eat My Twats tranny friend with a sword and the very shield she made for him.

Things we learned

Pyro has a big pimp hand after getting stung

Finger banging is not for old men

Hamburger nuggets are genius

A hammock will swing the same amount as it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop

Hashers don’t know how to say goodbye

Cardboard doesn’t float