Xmas Sunday Family Humour Page 3

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5

A Christmas Story

Thanks to Tony

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class:

"Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;

then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.

Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said.

"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.

We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings.

We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,

"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year....Dad comes home from the office.

We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory.

When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...

And begin to sing:

"What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

Happy Penguin

Thanks to Lee

Watch the penguin escape

ALL PUNS INTENDED

Thanks to Cindy

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent..

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.

Daisy says to Dolly,

"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.

The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't

find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel..

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says,

"Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the

craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have

your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing

in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an

hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.

"But why,"

they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said.

"I can't stand chess-nuts

boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes

to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'

The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she

wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds,

"They're twins! If

you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which

produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ...

a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.

The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to

his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Complain Less

Thanks to Colin

PICTURES THAT MAKE YOU GO...HMMMMMM???

Thanks to Ray

"I'm getting slow -- the egg took me a minute. The last one is my favorite."

I'm getting slower. I've been looking at it for an hour, and still don't get it!"

Christmas cards

Thanks to Tony

Still more on page 4

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?....................................................No idea!

Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 Page 4 Page 5