Xmas Sunday Family Humour

Jokes presentations, videos, pictures, cartoons - family humour

A very special thank you to all contributors.

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The current banking crisis explained

...... NOW YOU'LL UNDERSTAND!

Thanks to Chris

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'sorry son, but I have some bad news.

The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'

Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'

Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened

with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds

apiece and made a profit of £898'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy was appointed General Manager for the Royal Bank of Scotland !

Europe in 2015

Thanks to Tony

The William Tell Overture

Incredible Harmonica Playing -very enjoyable

Thanks to Tony

Two Medical Students

Thanks to John

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.

He walks slowly and his legs are apart just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:

"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart..........But I was wrong, too!"

Johnny The Bagger

Thanks to Ray

Follow the link to a heart-warming story that will inspire you to greater things

Please watch the following video clip -- it is a story of Johnny, the grocery store bagger.

It is very short, but it will remind you of why and how we make an impact in what we do. You may even want to share it with others, and I hope you will. It's amazing how one young Down's Syndrome bagger made such a wonderful impact on those customers lucky enough to have Johnny bag their groceries!

Click Here To View The Movie

DEAR ABBY

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a

middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid

twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen

a man go into or leave their apartment.

Do you think they could be

Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and

Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,

I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.

It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend

should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to

discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when

confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would

never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was

raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world.

I've seen it.

Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an

hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank

until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short tempered

I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to

send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and

he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Jesus is watching you

Thanks to Tony

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shone his torch around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus is watching you.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin. He turned off his torch and froze.

After a short while, when he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

'Jesus knows you're here.’

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked,

'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' he laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Jesus

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